Saturday 22 December 2012

And the ball keeps rollin....

A few days before Xmas now, feeling like ass with my typical too-stressed-out-at-the-end-of-the-year-cold,    and things are about to get so busy that I may not get a chance, or even think of writing again before the end of the year. So its a good time to look back on what has happened.

But first, I just wanted to mention last night. An old friend of mine restarted her yearly xmas potluck dinners and of course invited me and Becca. After receiving the invite, I got anxious, didn't want to go, wasn't sure why, then it dawned on me (pun not intended), I didn't want to go as a guy.

We're going to be doing alot of family stuff over the break, we always do, and that's an environment where I still have to be a guy, and I'm not really looking forward to it to tell the truth. So the thought of going to a friends event, and this is a friend who has met and interacted with Dawn on a few occasions, and was one of the first to do so way back in 07, and having to be a guy at that event just got me so down, so sad, ugh. So I mentioned if it would be all the same if I came as Dawn, of course she said yes.

(In fact her hubby, a guy I've known for 15 years, told me that I am never to ask again if its "ok", I show up as I choose, after all, he doesn't ask permission to wear jeans to my place.... love this guy)

So last night I showed up alone, Becca was working a 12 and was beat, and it was awesome. I met some new people who didn't even blink at meeting a transwoman (I had a lovely chat later with a woman who had watched someone transition at work), their little boy fell absolutely in love with me and even grabbed my boob at one point. There was also one specific friend, a very good friend who only recently found out about me (a few months back), who got to meet Dawn for the first time. I noticed that he made a point not to use any names at all which I think was cute, but he seemed to be totally OK with it. It was a great night, I felt comfortable, people seemed comfortable around me (I think me being fairly social helps, if I was hiding in the corner being shy I think people would have felt differently around the trans person). I felt fine chitchatting with the boys over scotch, and I was accepted easily in the ladies circle chatting in the living room. A wonderful evening overall.

And its also a clear indication that yes, I am finally doing right by myself, good grief I can't wait to start....

Anyway, looking back, wow... this time last year i was just starting to feel good about myself en femme again, and now I'm counting the days to my first doctors appointment to check my levels, and make sure that my body can handle transition. I've even quit smoking, 23 years of almost a pack a day, done, December 2nd, 4:05AM, wild stuff.

Becca and I are doing better, its not easy, that's for sure, but we really are doing better. We are living with the idea that transition is soon, its guaranteed, its happening. We want to stay together, and I love her so much for that, and yes we are going to keep trying over the next 6 to 10 months to have a child, hopefully the cutting out tobacco will get my levels up enough to have a chance. Once she's pregnant, and things are looking good, or if the year just gets too long (at which point we will switch to IVF to conceive), I'll start on my own transition.

If I think the last year was a crazy ride, lol, having two hormonal women in the same house?, thaaaats gonna be interesting ;).

I also need to mention again the sheer amount of support I've received over this past year. Everyone has been awesome, they've accepted me, and once they meet Dawn they include me and love me just the same, if not more. Dawn exists now, not only because of all the steps that I have taken throughout this year, but also due to how everyone has taken her in, taken me in. It really is amazing.

I've even started using my real family name instead of the "Labelle" I've always used, it looks good, more than that, it feels right. Especially knowing that I have my father on my side, if he had shunned me completely, I think I would have changed my entire name, and not only my first.

I don't often say this, but I am looking forward to next year..... bring it on :D

Dawn

Wednesday 19 December 2012

One out of four aint bad!

Well wouldn't ya know it, good old dad pulls out the stops and surprises me. I just got a response back from my awkward outing-myself email that I sent him, and to paraphrase:

- no big deal, do what you want / need to do, its your life
- if you want to talk about it, no problem, but don't think that I *need* to discuss anything, I'm fine with it
- I'm sure you've thought everything out very carefully
- you have my full moral support

I'm really proud of him right now

Gawd I hope he doesn't do a 180.... *knock on wood*

Tuesday 18 December 2012

Thoughts that make me feel really small

If the universe is still expanding..... what is it expanding into?

Is there something else in the "other" that our universe is expanding into?, perhaps another universe?

(multiverse)

What happens if two collide?

Are we in one fixed point expanding outwards from that point?, or does our universal center move?

Is the expansion a perfect oval / circle / whatever "they've" decided it to be?, or does it roll, shift, change?

why?

After Philip K Dick's mind imploded, he wrote: "God is the book of the Universe", the sum of all possible knowledge about everything. Perhaps all of this is the universe trying to attain its own godhood, using each speck of life throughout its vast being as a way to experience everything there is to experience. Learning, feeling, being.

So what happens after the great crunch?

I've seen a set of cute images fly by on facebook from time to time, showing how patterns repeat themselves at the cosmic, and at the microcosmic level. The firing of neurons in a brain, the creation of a star.

If patterns repeat themselves, the expansion, the contraction, birth, death, the great cycle.

After the crunch, to the next bang, is anything kept?, is there a purpose to the cycle, can anything be gained by one run?

Will we all go through this again in X trillion years time?

Is there something sitting in the "other", watching?

time for another drink




Procrastinating..... pt 2

Ever since the fallout from my in-laws finding out about me, I've been really procrastinating telling my dad about me.

I mean, its makes senses doesn't it?, 3 out of 4 parental units that have been told have reacted fairly negatively so far, so while my dad doesn't know, it can't be 4 out of 4. The unknown is still keeping me safe.

Here's the thing though, I barely have a relationship with my dad, sad to say, but its true. He doesn't know anything about me, and has never been interested in learning. We've never been able to communicate about anything serious, anything emotional or heartfelt, and while I do enjoy the odd time we spend together (which amounts to 2 or 3 times a year), its very superficial. So if he were to absolutely freak the fuck out and never want to see me again, it wouldn't make that much of a difference in my life, but it would still really suck, after all, aren't parents the ones who are supposed to stick with you through and through?

This past Sunday we had our little Xmas get together before he takes off to Europe with his girlfriend for the holiday season. I had planned on going over to his place for two weeks leading up to this get together for the purpose of telling him about me, and every day I managed to find a reason to not go, and all throughout the evening that we all spent together I kept forcing myself to open up, to start talking, and I just couldn't.

So today I outed myself to him via email, something I hate to do to people who are (should) be close to me, I find it so impersonal, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone.

..... still waiting for a response......

Saturday 15 December 2012

Well, it's official!

I am a transsexual.

Well, duuhhhh, no kidding you may say.

But see, its different now, I have been "approved" as an actual transsexual by my therapist, in that, on my next visit, I will have my papers.

I kinda feel like I graduated from something :P

A little over a year ago I had dressed for the first time in something like 2 years, and now I'm 2 short weeks away from getting official paperwork which will empower me to get hormones and surgeries.

Wild stuff.

I hadn't expected to get them this early, although it seems that my therapist would have been ready to give them to me any time (well, after the obligatory 3 sessions that she does to make sure that all of the bases have been covered before providing papers). I asked for them early because..... drum roll please...... I have an appointment at a new clinic which specializes in under represented people (i.e., trans folk, people with HIV, people with psych issues, etc) in order to find out if my system can handle a transition. When i was making the appointment it kind of came across that I already had my papers, and since the lady on the phone seemed quite happy to hear that and that it would make getting an appointment easier, I didn't correct her.

So I didn't mean to ask for them this early, but I've come to realize over the past few sessions that I am ready for them. I'm not starting on hormones right away, but I am ready, and really excited, to get this confirmation of who I am. I know I shouldn't care about things like that, the only persons approval any of us need is our own, but its still pretty cool to have something that I can hold up and say "see, an accredited member of our medical establishment has signed off on me, I'm not crazy!!!". Plus, if I ever have washroom issues where some ultra-con bitch makes a stink about a trans woman being in there, I have something official to show the ignorant authorities (yes I know its not a get out of jail free card, but its better than nothing).

Things have been better, not easy, but definitely better with Becca and me at home. She has a few therapy sessions under her belt now, and we really are living with the constant knowledge that I am going to transition, and its not going to be a long time away either. We still love each other, and still are planning on staying together, she's come to that conclusion with help from therapy, we can't say that we'll make it for sure, but at least we have a direction to travel.

Oh, and I quit smoking. Yup, 23 years of tobaccoo was given up at 4am on Dec 2nd, so its been almost 2 weeks now, and I gotta say it was alot easier than I had thought it would be. Sure it helps that I'm still smoking pot, but I do have good motivation.

See, before I start on hormones, we are going to keep trying to start a family. Once I start, I may still be able to father a child for a short period, but considering we've already tried for 2 years, and that my tests show that my count and viability are both very low, I'm sure that I can just forget about my boys working properly after my first injection. So hopefully the quitting smoking will give me enough so we can have one naturally, but after that, assuming we are still together post my transition, we will have to go with a different route like IVF.

If we do manage to get pregnant, we'll wait a few months to make sure everything is OK with her, and then I'll start early. Yup, we're going to have two VERY hormonal women in the same house, followed by a newborn. And yes I realize we're nuts, that's OK, after what we've been through, we'll handle it.

No big conclusion in this post, life is looking up, the ball is still rolling, and it kind of feels like we are slipping back into a routine, which for a married couple is a good thing. More later

Dawn


Wednesday 21 November 2012

Cyclical Meanderings

I've been telling myself all day I should write something down, as usual, a ton has happened in the past week, some good, most bad, oof. It just feels that lately my writing has been alot of whining, and I hate whining, I hate whiners, fuck I'm doing it right now.

***shakes head vigorously***

***thinks how weird it still feels to have earrings sometimes, like when you shake your head and your earlobes are lagging behind due to the added weight and I wonder if thats going to stretch out my holes more and I should really stop thinking about stupid stuff like this I mean seriously!***

okay... back to business

Remember a few posts when I talked about sitting down with the parents in law, and how things went well and maybe I should have told them earlier?.... yyyeeeeaaahhhhh.... no, that would *not* have been a good idea.

As it turns out, a few days after I tell them, they tell Shirley's mom about it. Shirley is Becca's cousin, and someone I've known since I was 16, and her mother also considers me part of the family. And yes, while I do love the woman, she is a bit of a nutcase, not someone I'd take parenting advice from if you know what I mean (and I think you do!). They both freaked out together, the mom calls Shirley and blames her for everything, why didn't she tell them about me?, how could she have permitted Becca to date me?, ya know, real nice and compassionate stuff like that. Becca went to see them and her father could barely look at her, barking everything at her, her mother in tears, saying horrible shit like why don't I flood myself with testosterone to make these feelings go away (a woman with 30 years in nursing and who knows about transsexuality should know better), how could she have dated me, all fantastic supportive stuff right out of the 50's. So now I'm not welcome in their home, they said I would never be if I presented feminine... well... guess what.... that means who I am is not welcome period. Becca is devastated by their reaction, and while I know I can't blame myself for all of it, of course I do, how can I not. I see the sadness in Becca's eyes constantly now, neither of us will be able to keep this up for too much longer I don't think.

Keeping my fingers crossed for her therapy to go well, and for her to get along with the therapist. 5 days away now....

I mentioned above that good stuff happened as well eh?, enough whining, lets get to that now.

When you come out to somebody, they often feel honored, like you are taking them into your confidence, you are telling them you trust them. I kinda feel bad when I say "well, most people know by now", lol. Regardless, I've found that quite a few people have come out to me because all of a sudden, they felt that much safer around me. Now, I'm not saying that I helped out a bunch of closeted gays and lesbians, although I have had a couple of confessions of "I'm actually bi.... only accepting it recently... could be gay, not sure", I've learned about peoples financial issues, relationship issues, sexual issues, personal emotional issues, things which many of them have not told a soul before in their lives. As usual, when you get anything big and heavy off your chest you feel better, and I've helped alot of old and new friends deal with their own stuff, even if its just listening to them talk.

While telling one specific old friend, Tanya (totally awesome brainy chick (and hot :P)), and pointing her to read Nat's Rocky Horror post, she made a very poignant comment

"More articles like this need to be written"

I read that as "more stories like this need to be told", which is I'm sure what she was implying, and its true, they do. We all have our demons, we all have our filters, the things we hold back, the things we're scared of, anxious of, worrying about (usually for nothing), and if we just talked more, opened up more, trusted each other more (and judged a little less), things would be so much easier for all of us, for people in general. Never once has it happened where someone opened up to me, and then come to regret it later. I've heard the phrase "I've never told that to anyone before" more times than I can count throughout my life, and never once has it been a mistake for them to open up.

People, tell your stories, tell your fears, talk more, and always listen to those who are trying to find their voices.

..... ok, didn't see this post going in this direction, I was going to talk about the awesome support I've been getting lately from friends, but whatever, that will be for another time, good place to end, so.




Wednesday 14 November 2012

Introspection....

What am I getting myself into?

My emotions have been all over the place lately, understandable sure, but its still a tough ride. I’m switching between “what the fuck are you doing?!” and “I want my anti-androgens / injections / name change now noW nOW NOW NOW!!!!!”.

I’m picturing myself as a woman, well, as a trans woman, ok, not quite right, a person who will appear as though they wish to be addressed as a woman and accepted as a woman but is…. something else. After all, while transsexuality is definitely a hot topic right now, the vast majority of people have never given it more than a few moments of thought. Even here in liberal, cosmopolitan, open and friendly Montreal, I find myself giving Trans 101 lessons to random folks fairly often, sometimes its friends, other times it’s the lady at the counter who is just oh so interested in me. I’m not complaining mind you, I love educating and sharing my story, but it is a constant reminder that I will be, once this is all over, still considered as something “other”, something “different”, something of a curiosity.

It’s a scary thought… and I’m starting to really understand down to my core the attractiveness of going stealth.

Even if I never have a truly negative experience, I never get assaulted, I never get harassed, I never feel discrimination, things work out with Becca and I, or alternatively, they don’t and I actually manage to find another to love me as much as I love them, even if all this “good” stuff happens and none of the “bad” stuff ever happens…. that look of curiosity, surprise, confusion, just the fact that the look is there will be something that I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Even those that treat me wonderfully, make no pronoun mistakes, they still have that look in their eyes at first, and lets face it, 95% of people that we interact with don’t actually know us as people, they’re never given the time to learn about who you actually are. They see a man, they put the man in a little box in their mind filled with assumptions about what a man of that look / age / style / race / etc actually are and treat them as such, and barring outright racism or classism or sexism, the result is usually fine for those little encounters. Same thing when someone sees a woman…. but when someone sees a transsexual?, they don’t know what assumptions to make, they don’t know how to fit a person like me into one of those ‘boxes’, its clear to people like me, that they don’t know what to do.

Again, I’m not complaining that they don’t know, we are still a relatively new phenomenon when it comes to mass exposure and education about what we are (of course I realize that trans folk have always been a part of the human story, but we don’t have an automatic part in this society like the Two Spirit folk would in Native American societies), and I am happy to teach, but will this become my job?, will I be explaining myself to people the rest of my life?, can I handle that level of scrutiny, and, possibly, judgement?.

I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately, looking for Dawn when I wake up, when I get out of the shower. Sometimes I see her, strangely enough, I see her a lot more clearly when I smile (happy girl, sad boy, happy girl, sad boy, lol), but often I just see a sad looking man. I know makeup will make him vanish and bring her out, but the makeup won’t always be there, I will interact with people, as a woman, with my naked face, and how will that feel?, what will that look be that they give me, my male face, and my female body. My first laser hair removal session is coming up fast and I have to admit I’m scared, partly because this is the first really permanent step I’m taking, and my beard was an enormous part of my male identity for a large part of my life. I’m also scared because I really want the removal to (a) go well, (b) not leave me with scars or pigmentation problems, and the real reason, (c), that it may not make a damn difference in the feminization of my face, or of my look. When I look for Dawn in the mirror in the mornings, I can see her in my eyes, I can see her in my smile, in the lines my face takes when I smile, but the jaw, the stubble, the shadow destroys her image. I’ve put very high hopes on what this procedure will do for me, and maybe I’m simply scared of it letting me down.

I just got off the phone, my laser appointment was supposed to be next Tuesday (6 days away), now, its in 24 hours….. 

…. And that’s strange…. I’m feeling less scared.... apprehensive yes.... its difficult to explain

I used to feel often that this whole thing was a boulder I had to strain against to make any headway, now I almost feel like the boulder is getting away from me and I need to slow it down, like I’m being taken on a ride. I think of actually starting hormones, and that could be as soon as 6 months away. I think about my body changing, right now I’m looking at doing my social transition after my body has caught up a bit, basically, when I can’t hide my new body anymore….that could be only 12 to 18 months away, and at this age, a year and a half is nothing, that goes by in the blink of an eye. So in less than 2 years, Dawn may be walking into the office.

Feels far away, but it’s not, it’s right around the corner, it’s essentially here. 

Am I ready?

Wednesday 7 November 2012

Support

Even through all of this crazy stuff that has been going on, I've still been telling people about me. My day to day friends all know, and so far have all been pretty great about everything. I spent a day out with an old girl-friend shopping, first time she had met Dawn, and to say it was comfortable would be understating it, it felt as though this was how it had always been, she said the same thing, feels pretty great.

I surprised one of my Cegep* friends when I finally caught her on facebook, nothing but thumbs up. Got a few more I want to tell as well.

Earlier this year when I spent a month on the other side of the country, Becca came out to visit me for a few days and we got to get together with another old girl-friend of mine Rachel, her husband and son, and her mom Louise. Rachel and I were very close for a while as tween / teens, we used to sneak cigarettes under the bridge in the little town we lived in, sitting there for hours chatting, and more than that, Louise really took me into their home and made me feel welcome when things for me at my own home were going pretty badly. I have alot of great memories hanging out in Rachel's room listening to music, she used to love brushing and fiddling with the long hair I used to have, playing cards with the family, and just feeling like it was a home. It was great to see them again, and I really wanted to tell them about myself, but at the same time I didn't want to make the whole evening about me. So long story short, I caught Louise online earlier this week and let her know, and a few days after managed to catch Rachel online as well and filled her in, Louise had agreed to let me tell her. The words that she wrote to me felt like a big warm hug, like I was back in their living room listening to Garth Brooks (yes, she got me to appreciate one of his albums, lol). Rachel as well was full of support, lots of love, and she even knew a couple of trans-men in her previous city, and a girl-friend of hers is writing a thesis on a trans subject.

On my way into the building today, the security guard (gorgeous girl, chatted with her for years, outed myself to her ... wow.... six years ago?, holy crap) stops me and just gives me what I can only refer to as a speech. She tells me to keep my chin up, that I know what I have to do, I can't let being worried about hurting Becca hold me back from what I need to do to be at peace with myself, that I'm beautiful and that even if things don't work out with Becca and I, that Becca will be OK, she'll be happy, and that I'll find love again because I'm a wonderful person. I mean, wow, wtf, lol. I know that she is in a dark place right now, and missing her boyfriend who is on the other side of the planet, and she just shot that out at me today. Love her.

Out of the blue today, another old friend from Ottawa messaged me, haven't talked to them in at least 4 years. I had actually told her about me being a CD'er a while ago, right after my first pride outing, so I filled her in to where I am now, no surprise, full support, big thumbs up, knows a trans-man which is pretty cool. Is it just me, or are we popping up just everywhere these days?

Of course there are my friends who have known and been with me since the beginning (being 2k6 for starting to come out), I've been reconnecting with them on this level, and they were there for me, just waiting for me to be ready to talk about it again. I spent some time with a very good girl-friend of mine and her hubby (who I've known for ever) en femme a short while ago, full support, they accept me no matter what.

There was also the acceptance that I experienced a couple nights ago from my parents in law, begrudging sure, but being trans was never really the issue, just the effect that it is having on Becca. My sister as well, while so bloody busy that she still hasn't 'met' me, has been just great and I love her for it.

There has been one other constant in all of this support, which is concern for Becca. Everyone asks about her, wants to know how she feels about everything, how she is coping and if we are going to continue together, and I love that. I tell Becca about it sometimes, and I let her know that these people are there for her to talk to if she needs to, after all, many of them are "our" friends as much as they are "my" friends, but she has trouble doing so. Along with all of the concern for her, there is another key aspect to it all, no one is blaming me for it, no one has told me "why can't you just ignore this and push it away and have a normal life?", no one has questioned the legitimacy of my needs, of who I am. They offer compassion and support in getting through this situation in one piece and happy, the both of us, they don't suggest that it can be avoided. I love all of you for that.

Way to go straight people!. I do love my trans circle, and they do offer me wonderful support as well, but one can't live their lives hiding away from the 9x% of the rest of you all, and I wouldn't want to either!.

Oh, before I forget, Becca has something lined up with a highly qualified therapist in a few days, so keeping my fingers crossed, and yay!.

So I guess that's it for now, good night everyone, and thank you

* Cegep is a Quebec school system anomaly, its a separate school between high school (ends at grade 11) and University. You're usually between the ages of 17 to 20 there, 21 for the kids doing the 3 year "straight-to-work-no-university" programs.

Tuesday 6 November 2012

What a couple weeks......

This easily ranks up there with one of the best couple weeks of my life, and one of the worst....

Since the 25th I've:

Reconnected with an old friend, one of those people that may not have been there for long, but they made a huge impact on your life, and have their own little place reserved just for them in your heart. Quick in and out at a mall, walk down to a cool little Korean place, dinner, as if the past 20 years just weren't there. Felt great, comfortable. She doesn't know that going to well lit sit down restaurants while en femme (and not in the village) is very new to me, and one of those things I'm actually quite scared of and I've only done once before. Didn't let it show, shoulders back, tits out, get it done, never gave it a second thought. Wonderful conversation, made plans to see Rocky, relived the old, discussed the new, things with Becca and I, her and her wonderful Greek. She told me on the way back to the car that I too was an important person to her in her life, after all, we were 14 when we met, those are long and memorable years, I was the first 'guy' she was ever friends with.... she looks at me a little crooked.... 'well, maybe you weren't eh?', heh.

We're walking along the street, this travelling musician (i.e., some older dude wandering down the sidewalk holding and strumming an acoustic) walks by us... we hear strumming from a ways behind.... two cute young things pass ahead of us quickly being cute young and giggly, you know what I mean.... suddenly the strummer is back!, he passed by us again, strumming after them with a big dumb grin on his face. Ahhh, Montreal..... but why did I write all this?, here's the cool and slightly surreal part. Nat* and I have "our song", and in all honesty, none of my girlfriends (of the romantic variety) have ever been music nerds like I am and Nat was (tut tut tut), so she is the only person out there that I even HAVE a song with. And our weird Mr Strummer came right on by strumming out the opening bars to just that very song, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. 

Seriously disappointed and upset Becca due to me being blind to her needs and all in all, pretty selfish. I was on a high again, and it had been such a long time, and I let my needs get in front of a serious need of hers. The shittiest thing is that it was such an amazing time for me, and such a terrible time for her.... and I made it worse. My therapist saw how much I was beating myself up over this and said that transitioners kind of have to be a bit selfish, 'yeah, but not like that' I replied, she dropped it, I was right.

Becca told her mother the truth about me.

Had an amazing girls night out with Becca, Nat, and Isabelle at Rocky.

Was told by Becca that she wants a divorce.

Played pretend in front of the family, yes all is good, la la la la.

Nat posted an entry on one of her blogs about me and our outing to Rocky, which I've read oh, at least 15 times now. Yes she writes beautifully and I've always enjoyed her work (did I mention she's a journalist?, pretty cool eh? :), but there is something pretty amazing seeing someone else write about me and my journey in their own words. It really feels like a gift to me, if you're interested please click here.

Becca and I talked and talked and talked and talked

She's still having no luck finding a therapist, its getting frustrating....

She decides that she can do it, she can handle starting a family and watch me transition and go on with life together.... I look in her eyes.... neither of us believe it

I cried through most of my therapy session..... still felt good

Visited my inlaws on the way home to talk. It hurt. They don't blame me for being trans, I felt more love and understanding from them in an instant than I have from my own mother over all of this, they're just sad for Becca. Things slipped out a couple of times, I know that her mom is mad at me, she knows she can't really blame me for being this way, but she is still hurt, her children truly are her life. And them being who they are, they truly do consider me one of their own children and always have, yet it took this for me to finally feel it, I feel so stupid, so ungrateful. I think what scares them the most is us separating, me going off to find a husband, and just Becca being sad. Leaving Becca was never a goal in my mind, it was the biggest price of all that I may one day have to pay in order to find my true peace, and its one I still may have to pay in order for her to find hers.

Between sobs, I asked them if they would accept me, accept us, if we were able to stay together and I transitioned..... they looked at me almost surprised, both of them did, and I could read it in an instant that NOT accepting me, had never once crossed their minds. Her father looked at me, and he was having trouble looking at me up to that point, and said "we just want you to be honest".....

Fuck me, was that one of the biggest mistakes of them all, waiting until the end to tell them, not doing it at the beginning?..... that never crossed my mind up until now.

I started off by saying that this was one of the best and one of the worst couple weeks in my life..... but after re-reading this before posting it, I realized something...... yes alot of tough stuff happened, and yes, I guess Becca and me may not even last the year, and this was all spurned on by the events of the past year, now culminating in this final end game (dramatic much?), but there isn't anything actually bad here. I'm trans, simple as that, yes I'm almost 35, and hell yes I should have dealt with this ten years ago, but if I don't deal with it now, when?, 45?, 55?, fuck... no.

'night

* I'm breaking my own rule at using a real name, as I'm linking to a blog she participates in, and her real name is there, not much point in masking it here. 

Sunday 28 October 2012

A poem.....

This was written for me a little while ago, I still go to it when I need some strength, when I need to feel that things will be ok, no matter where I end up......

We all are here to fly.
To be free to love and find.
Hand in hand.
Ready to jump with this hand.
In a world I do not know.
I don't want to go alone.
Such a beauty I've come across.
strong and wise
with a smile of a angel.
hard not to stair.

Thank you, you know who you are...

Tuesday 23 October 2012

Pictures....

.... or the lack thereof

It's a classic stereotype, and a damn true one, the trans girl and the camera. Especially at the CDer stage, or the pre-going out and having a real life as a woman* stage, so many of us feel the need to document almost every single dress up session, every single outfit, from a hundred different angles.

Hey, I'm not judging, I've got a thousand pics on my machine easy..... and a few hundred on my phone. I've probably lost (or flushed) more than I currently have.

I haven't felt the urge to take reams of shots in a few months now. I did take a few while on my trip, but thats been over for a couple months already and barely a shot has been taken since.

I don't check flickr much anymore either, when I first got on that late last year, I was hooked. I'd spend hours looking through it every few nights. But now?, I check it briefly once a week to check for new comments, and that's it.

So.... why?

I've thought about it a while, and I think its simply that: the taking of pictures for me was almost a way to cement each time I dressed in stone, I lived with the assumption that there may not be a next time, that I may never look that good again, so I had to take shot after shot. It was also a way of creating a female life for myself, and sharing those pictures was my way (and I think alot of others') of validating my female existence to myself. Dawn essentially lived in the camera's eye.

But now Dawn lives in the eyes of the people that interact with her, people I know, and people I don't, but they see me..........

ooooooooh, spooky voice

gotten silly, time to go

* I am specifically not including FtM in this simply because I have no idea if you guys do the whole lunatic-with-a-camera thing that us girls do, therefore I didn't want to assume.


Catching up

I really didn't realize it had been this long since I last posted, ah ben*.

It's been a weird, tough, yet not at all as tough as they could have been few weeks. Been out a few times, had a wonderful shopping day with an old girl-friend** who I just only recently came out to and absolutely loved it, and a bombshell dropped between Becca and I.

I don't really see transitioning as an "if" anymore, it's more of a "when".

There, it's out, it's said.

A few tears, on both our parts, quiet-ness, then a surprise...

when Becca gets frustrated at stuff, she tends to get cranky (in an absolutely adorable way, just don't tell her I told you that) and "lashes out" by punching my upper arm. Look, she's a full foot shorter than me, it's nothing to worry about. The thing is, usually the cranky punches come when she is starting to feel better about a situation, has accepted something to a certain degree.... an example would be her giving me cranky punches while saying 'I wont get mad at you for being a dumbass I just have to accept it'.... and then usually the smiles come out and things "get better" between us regarding whatever situation had started this all.

so, yeah, the cranky punches came out. No more big tears, panic attacks (usually on my side for the record), freak outs, and there haven't been since. We're probably not talking as much as we should, but little pieces come out here and there, I think we're finally learning how to talk about serious stuff with each other, without letting it tear us down entirely, by having these little conversation-squirts that we've had a few times this past week.

She also picked up the phone and made some calls to the therapists that my therapist gave her, unfortunately no luck and she got a bit frustrated, but the first step was taken and I'm really happy for that.

So yeah, she didn't pack and leave, so that's good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.......

ciao

* "ah ben" literally translates from French into English as "oh well". I just like it alot better.

** Since in this stupid world women call their female friends their "girlfriends", and people who are romantically involved with women call their female partners their "girlfriends", I've always felt the need to make the distinction between someone who is a female friend, and who is an ex-partner, especially because most people I date, and most people I am friends with, are all women. Therefore, girl-friend, is friend, girlfriend is ex/current partner.

Monday 1 October 2012

Dysphoria

I hadn't felt that in a while...

I came to realize only afterwards that I hadn't actually gone to a mall in boy mode in a couple of months. With my outings before my trip, then being pretty much fully femme during my trip, then once back here Becca took off for almost a month on a trip with her parents so my outings for shopping then were en femme, the last time I was out like that was probably June or July, wow.

We had to go and get a new phone for Becca, she lost hers unfortunately during her trip, so I dropped her off at one of the local malls and took off to get gas and find parking. Heading back to the mall in the car, I started to feel my anxiety levels rising, no clue why, I just felt really twitchy. Walking up to the mall from the parking spot the feelings got worse, and these are feelings I haven't really felt in a good number of months. I located where I needed to go on the map, and headed off, passing familiar stores, seeing gorgeous pieces here and there, and when I almost wandered into one to try something on it finally clicked, whoah buddy, you're not dressed right for that.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

The things is, the past few weeks while Becca was gone, the whole "gotta do it gotta do it" mindset of transitioning has really subsided. Don't get me wrong, its still there, but it's a dull murmur in my head as opposed to a roar. Since she's come back the thoughts have come back stronger because I feel more male around her, which means I feel more male for a larger percentage of my day, which, well, irks me in some way that only transfolk really get. I did spend the majority of my time en homme while she was gone, I went out en femme a few times, spent an evening / day by myself at home en femme a few times, but I also went out as a guy to visit friends. I didn't feel that same male'ness when I was out at my friends place, they all know about me (or were told that day), and I make no pretense and don't "act" at all, but at the same time I don't have that pressure. I guess I didn't realize I did have that pressure around Becca, after all, I don't "act" around her either, but in retrospect, of course the pressure is there, duh.

So, all that to say, the dysphoria gets worse depending on the situation, but the fact that its there harder because I'm back with Becca now is kind of telling. I've been worried about the possible situation that we split up because I'm going to transition..... and I don't actually end up doing that. Wouldn't surprise me honestly, lol. When I'm single, although its been a long time, these feelings are alot easier to handle, or even push away, but when you are with someone, and they are reacting to you the way they expect you to be (i.e., male, boyfriend, husband) all of the time, that's when the discord raises its ugly head. After all, when you're alone, regardless of how you look or the current configuration of your body, what does being male or female even mean?.

I wonder how many transitioned women can relate to these thoughts, I'm sure alot of middle path'ers can.....

anyhoo, rambling girl out!

Saturday 22 September 2012

Where is the line

At what point do I feel like a woman?

Is it when my face is smoothed by powder?, is it liner, mascara, forms and a bra, a wig, at what point does the dysphoria fade?, at what point does the accessorizing do the job?

The weather is crummy and I was stuck in the office regardless today, got home not feeling too hot, took a long bath, got dressed, very light makeup, wig and boobs but no other padding, some jewelery.... I spent some time with Netflix going in the background doing my nails, watched a couple movies cuddled under a blanket, nothing I wouldn't do on any other rainy and mucky night.

Aside from my outside appearance, I feel and think the same as a few nights ago when I was sitting in the same spot, watching TV and fiddling around on the net, the clothes are the same (literally, top is a different color, but I wear femme tops around the house regardless), does it make me feel that much different to have the extra curves and hair?.

On a side note, I met a cool chick at a bar last week, got to talking, she mentioned off hand how she could see how I would want to be with a man in order to feel more feminine, after all, what makes a woman feel more like a woman than being "taken" by a big strong man. Her words not mine by the way, I didn't contradict her, cause I have had those thoughts in the past, but at the same time I realized that I feel feminine because I am feminine. Yes I want to be treated respectfully and as I am presenting when I am out and about in the world, but I don't need anyone's approval or permission or help in order to feel feminine. I do because I simply am.

So back to when do I cross that line?, is there still a line to cross?. I feel femme all the time, regardless of how I present, so dressing now is just getting the outside to look more like what the inside feels like, as stereotypical as it is to say that (although I never have said that before). I feel just a bit more relaxed right now than I do in full boy mode, but since the boy mode is quite girly to begin with, that extra relaxation is diminishing as I cross over. I do kind of miss the rush, but the crash is much easier to deal with as well.

We often talk about the pain at the end of the night, the procrastination before taking the makeup off, the sadness to returning to boy mode for who knows how long, hell, I've mentioned it myself not too long ago. I haven't felt that in a little while now, I don't mind getting the makeup off (especially in this humidity), I know that there is nothing holding me back from slathering it back on again. I also know that I don't stop being a trans woman just because I happen to be in boy mode for a while.

I think the line is simply fading, perhaps thats the answer?



Tuesday 11 September 2012

Passing.....

I had to talk about this at one point didn't I?

Do I like the way I look en femme?, yes, in fact, I love the way I look en femme, I think I'm classy, sexy when I want to be, I know how to dress and move and don't walk like a trucker (that... really.... bugs me), but do I think I pass as a GG?. Hells no

First off, I'm definitely taller than the average woman, but I'm still fairly lucky at only being 5'10", of course this does mean I'm 6'2" in my favorite heels, but thats neither here nor there. I don't have a big heavy jaw, my french blood saved me there from the Irish side, but its still just male enough. Same with the brow ridge, it could be oh so much worse, but its still male. Unfortunately, my nose is Irish.... this pic I think sums it up well.


Again, I think I'm beautiful in this picture, and that's not just me having an inflated ego, I've never really considered myself beautiful, pretty, handsome, attractive even, ever. But do I pass?, lol, no. It seems I pass for a full time and fully transitioned trans woman, and I'm very happy for that, but not for a GG.

It took me a long time to get to this way of looking at it, but why should I feel the need to "fully" pass, i.e., go stealth. Is my mere presence such an upset to the world around me?.

{ Absolutely no judgements on those who choose that its the best path for them, I know sometimes it can mean the difference between a life lived in fear and one lived in relative peace.}

I'm lucky enough to live somewhere where the "different" folks like me aren't hated or feared on sight, life is never easy for trans folk regardless of where they are, but when it comes to the location lottery, being in Montreal is a big win. While it is a friendly place, I still don't see many visible trans women (or men) out and about in every day life, I no longer live right in the city, but I still get out there quite often, and unless I'm going to a trans specific space, I'm usually the only visible transsexual out there. And while it can be a touch lonely, I do think that it's pretty cool sometimes, after all, the tons of people who clock me every time I'm out have now seen "One Of Them!" out living her life just like any other - slightly taller than average - woman, and I think that's a win for all of us. Maybe some heavily closeted guy or gal see me strutting my stuff down St Catherine's, clock me immediately (cause again, I aint fooling anyone here), and say "hey, maybe I can....."

So, this begs the question... since I've made it quite clear that without a few FFS procedures I'll never be going stealth... if I was blessed with perfectly feminine features and body shape / size, and going stealth was simply what happened when I dressed whether I wanted it or not, would I still feel this way?, would I go out of my way to tell people about my trans status ASAP?. Knowing who I am, I think its easy to say, yes, yes I would, holding anything back about my history to people is really painful for me, it's always been an act of shame to me, so when I hold back I feel that old shame and guilt, hate it. Of course if I was that naturally feminine, I wouldn't be who I am now, so it's kind of a moot point.

so where was I going with  this?, oh yeah

IMO, fuck passing, you will always be clocked by someone out there. Look as good as you can, no matter your style, be genuine, and have a smile on your face. Don't give the world any other choice than to smile back.

ciao


Thursday 6 September 2012

Memories......

rolling my socks down so they made little bands around my ankles, thinking how pretty it was and how like all the little girls it was..... age 3ish..... already knew to hide what I was doing

school uniform, shirt and shorts for the boys in the summer, blouse and skirt for the girls, shorts the same length as the skirts. I'd hold my legs together tight and hold the edges of the shorts out as far as I could and pretended that it was a skirt..... age 5ish

realizing how pretty the girls' shoes were, and how ugly mine were, thus cementing my life long hatred of men's shoes.... age 5

raiding my mothers closet and playing dressup, whole thing, hose and slip, dress, shawl, hat, makeup, jewlerry. Get caught by mother who at first thinks its funny, shows my father who growls at me to take it off immediately, scares my mom, never spoken of again..... age 6

not wanting to change for swimming class with the boys, something about it felt wrong, changed with the girls for half a year, in those days and where I lived, no one was getting sued or freaking out over that.... age 7-8

never felt comfortable changing with other men..... age, always

pictures of me and my childhood friends, all girls

parents yelling at me telling me to spend more time with boys instead of all the girls I hung out with, mother whispering to me 'your father is scared of you turning into a homosexual', I ask her what that is, she shushes me and says later..... age 11-12?

"fucking queers, they should all be put to death", my father mutters as the first flamboyantly gay guy I've seen in my life walks by us on the street..... age 12

"you want a dress to go with your long hair you little girly boy"...... actually, yes dad, yes I do..... I never had the guts to say that back to him.... age 11 to 15

dreaming of being female.... waking up so happy, so unbearably happy, then looking at my body and realizing it was all a dream.... age .... puberty, 10 to 16

lots of drinking and drugs.... age 13 to 16 were the bad years

guilt
shame
denial
hate
anger
.......... age 5 to well, im not perfect, no one can be, but up to early this year. I'm done with you all, good riddance




Life

No one ever said being trans was easy....

Dawn, for the first time, felt loved, and desired.... and that gaping hole in my soul was suddenly, if only temporarily, filled. I've felt this hole for ... well ... ever, did I know this is what it needed?, maybe, we lie to ourselves so easily.

At home, Dawn, while loved in a certain way, is still seen as a threat. I can't find any fault in that, and that's the tough part, I understand.........

In a way she is a threat to me, to the me that Becca fell in love with, can't deny it. At the same time, she is me, and without her, I wouldn't be me, and Becca would have never loved me to begin with.

Its a real mindfuck.

I keep focusing on one aspect of my experience, which is that even as a boy, and with that person as a girl, it still felt great. Sure I wanted some fabulous boobs, always will, but the thought of going all the way (which I consider to be social transition in reality, doesn't matter what is under your dress except to those who you share that with) wasn't as prevalent, I was comfortable knowing if I wanted to boy it up for a few days, or femme it up for a week, it would all be cool.

Is that what I need?.

There's no denying that the more I feel comfortable as a woman, the better I feel as a guy (still can't use the word 'man'), as I've said before, a fairly femmy guy, but a guy nonetheless.

Well, thats what therapy is for isn't it?, had my second session, more later

Wish me luck

...and more than that

Wish Becca and me all the luck in the world

Sunday 26 August 2012

The flip side of the coin..... or...... an unforgettable experience

I met a man.

Let me explain.....

I'm off on business right now, in a beautiful city in Canada, and as I already have some gay and trans connections here, I decided not to hold back and spend as much time as myself as I can. Up at 5.45, working by 7, work 12 or 13 hours a day, and each night I go through my little transformation and head out to wander, shop, and just enjoy life and the city.

In my explorations, I wandered into a cute little store (tourist trap as it turns out to be, lol), and like in most stores, I chat a bit with the girls working there, but this time it was different. The gorgeous young woman and her rockin friend who served me were so sweet and cheery (not to mention a touch inquisitive about my trans-ness, but in a very respectful and cool way) that I ended up spending more time getting to know them than I did actually shopping!.

While I was chatting with Donna*, she let slip that she had gone through a 'boy' phase, in which she felt like she was trans, but the way that she talked about it, she really made it seem like one of "those" phases that all teenagers go through.. did I mention these lovely ladies are the ripe old age of 19/20?, eep!, thats ok, they made me feel young again, lol. It stuck in my head, and I told Becca about it that night, that the super sweet store manager may actually be a trans man, and how cool would it be if she actually turned out to be so one day.

I wandered into the store the next night as well to say hi, and to get a refresher on how to arrange the loops on the top I had bought the night before (I swear, some of these tops are more complicated than tie's, and I've never been able to tie a tie), and again we ended up chatting away like old friends for half an hour, never even got to try anything on, so they made me promise to come back soon so they could "dress me up", and boy did they ever, I have so many new amazing outfits now, lol!.

Earlier today, I got off work early (yup, working on a Saturday), and before switching over to Dawn for the rest of the day, I went out to grab some food. While I was wandering, I passed by the store again (its a small place I'm working in), and wouldn't you know it, Donna is chatting with Elody* near the front door. I call out her name, and recognizing my voice she whips her head around, and pauses, curious look on her face, quickly followed by what I can only describe as surprise (but in a good way!) as she puts two and two together. She grabs Elody and they both rush out to greet me, in awe at how different I look between my two sides, how feminine I can become with just some makeup and padding (oh, and a wig). We sit down to have a smoke and chat some more, and Donna tells me more about herself, and that no, the trans wasn't just a teenage phase, its something she's still going through right now, something she is dealing with daily, thinking of it all the time, etc etc etc....

Sounds familiar doesn't it?

Immediately I felt closer to the two of them, I didn't feel out of place presenting as a boy, and it just spurned more interesting conversation. Anyway, to make a long story slightly less long, I got my lunch, switched over to Dawn, shopped (im done for this trip, I promise) and of course ended up back in the store where they dressed me up, throwing piece after piece at me, and everything they chose looked amazing (four new dresses, bloody hell). While we were doing this, which I should mention took about 2 hours, we spent just as much time chatting as I did trying stuff on, more even. We all shared lots of interesting, and very personal things, and once again alot of the conversation geared towards Teh Trans, and I realized that hey, this is a trans man standing in front of me, wearing her female armor, the same way that I wore my male armor for decades.

Guess what happened?

The more we talked, the more I saw the boy in her, her male side was coming out. She seemed excited to meet a fellow traveler, but at the same time she seemed more relaxed, she was a fairly twitchy girl I must say (but with love!, lol). Not really wanting the evening, or the conversation to end, I invited them both out for drinks, and I mentioned that why doesn't Donna go out as a boy, as Don (as his name turned out to be)?. I told her there were some trans men that I had seen / met at my local haunt (she had never knowingly met anyone like herself), and that it would be good for her to get out there and meet some similar people. After a bit of toe shuffling, she agreed, we burned out the rest of her shift (in more ways than one, lolol), and headed back to my hotel room where she borrowed the last of my boy clothes that are relatively clean (hey, what man cares about that eh?) and before Elody and I knew it, Don was standing there. It really was amazing, a bit of binding, some looser pants and a sweater, and bang, a very attractive trans man was with us who was lucky enough to have two lovely ladies on his arms ;)

We headed out, had a drink at the quiet place, then went dancing and drinking at the local gay club. We met a few interesting people, and one of the sexiest british bar-tenders I've ever met (thanks whoever you were for an amazing time!), chitchatted and danced the night away. I made her feel like a man on the dance floor, and she made me feel like a woman, got quite drunk, had lots of personal and incredibly touching conversations, and well, I just feel like a million bucks right now, I'm sitting in my hotel room, and they should be home by now, and..... I helped a younger trans person come out of his shell, and I gotta say, there isn't a much better feeling than that. Remember the twitchyness I had mentioned?, at the club he was chill, he was relaxed, and like he told me, he hadn't felt that comfortable in his own skin since forever.

Don, and Elody as well, I love you both. If I never see you again, and I know I will, a hundred percent guaranteed that I will see you again (even after I go home on Wednesday, I know I'll see them again), but if I don't, you'll both always have a place in my heart.

Thank you for an unforgettable experience


*as usual, names are modified but will remain consistent

Friday 17 August 2012

I said yes...

Becca asked me a question recently that she hadn't asked me in a long time. Recently, with me floating along on my pink fluffy cloud, there's been alot of discussion on 'where is this all going', 'where am I going to end up', and in all honesty, regardless of my desires, the answers to those questions are all "I dont know".

But she altered the question this time when she asked, this time it was "Do you want to transition?".

I paused, and all the jumbled up thoughts that had been flying through my head over the past few months solidified into a "yes".

I had almost said this to some other friends already over the past few weeks, mainly online people, but it was never this direct, this solid. With them it was more to the effect of "I think I'm going to have to", "I can't see much other choice", but it was always flimsy. With Becca, it was as if saying it to her made it more real, more absolute. I still don't know if I will actually transition, or if I am even healthy enough to (gotta quit smoking....), or if I'll still feel this way in a few months, or if I'll find a more comfortable place as I keep slowly progressing to womanhood and find that I don't have to go all the way, or or or or or or or...... you get the drift.

Its weird though, while things with Becca and I have been getting better lately (we have our rough spells), the speed at which I'm becoming more independent, and more confident as a woman has been really bothering her, she feels that she is missing a solid ground, a base in her life if that makes sense. But after I said "yes" to her, we talked more, we hugged and cried, and then she seemed calmer than she had in a while, and slept like a baby that night, and at least from my point of view, she has been much more relaxed (although very pensive!) about it all since then.

But yeah, I said 'yes', whoah. Therapy starts in 2 weeks, lets see where this goes.....



Thursday 9 August 2012

Procrastinating..... pt. 1

I always procrastinate, you all know the feeling, the end of the night when the makeup has to come off, and you have to go back to boy mode for... well... the amount of time is different for all of us (until the 19th for me, unless I sneak in an evening), but that amount of time is always too long.

Anyway, real reason I wanted to make a quick post was to not lose this poem. I ran across a fantastic blog a while ago, and since I'm new to all of this blogging stuff I don't know if its kosher to just randomly link to someone's blog, so I'll look into that and update later, but regardless, a poem was posted there that I wanted to lock in stone as it were on the wild interwebs, somewhere I can find it later. Here it is:


The Voice by Shel Silverstein

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

ok, time to take the face off......

Leading up to this past year

Like I alluded to in my first post, this has been a big year for me when it comes to "Teh Trans". At this time last year I hadn't gone out en femme since about 2008, which was an outing during some of the various gay festivities here in Montreal. Now, I'm out and about pretty much anywhere, sometimes I'm still surprised at how quickly this change happened, and how easy it all ended up being.

Dawn's first time out in the world was 2006, a good friend of mine, lets call him Cal*, decided to hold a 'crossdressing' party at his apartment and invited me. I had been dying to get out there at that point, and jumped on the party as a safe way to see how it felt to be femme somewhere other than my apartment, sure it wasn't a terribly honest first time out, aside from a girl-friend of mine who was coming with me, no one there actually knew about "the secret!". Still, it was a fun first time out even though everyone thought it was sooooo funny that I looked soooooo femmy, so yeah I was getting laughed at, but I guess it was for the right reason?, weird.

Fast forward a year, now I'm dating Rebecca* who would go on to later be my wife, and Montreal pride is coming up fast. She is getting more comfortable with her boyfriend being a trans person, although she still has lots of lines that she isn't comfortable crossing (only in safe places, gay village, no straight world exploration, another story....), but we both figure the Pride parade is a great way for us to be out at the same time safely and relatively anonymously. The day goes well, she has to work that afternoon so I end up going back to the village with another friend of mine I'm out to, lots of fun, interesting conversation, etc etc etc, all good stuff.

During that year I start to attend a trans support group, great bunch of girls and guys, but I'm the only one there who isn't going through their transition, I'm the only "transgendered crossdresser" in the group. While the people were great and understanding, I always had the feeling that they weren't taking me terribly seriously, I wasn't on the 'mones, so I couldn't be very serious about all of this right?, ugh. After a few months of going there off and on, the time between visits started to get longer and longer, until I just never bothered going back. In retrospect, I was feeling alot of pressure (most likely self imposed) to transition while I was in that group so I could fit in better, but the thought scared the ever loving hell out of me, I wasn't ready for it then, so I (once again) ran away and hid from all of this.

Becca and I went to Pride again the next year (we're up to 2008 now for those keeping track), and again it was a great day. I had gotten in touch with an old friend, and the three of us spent the afternoon together out as girl-friends, enjoying the sunshine and live music, lounging out in a park with thousands of others around us all doing the same thing, typical Montreal afternoon. So now I'm coming out to old friends, some new, I'm going out, Becca is supportive, what do I do?, I go right back into the closet.

Looking back I still don't fully understand why.

I remember driving back home from either pride or the other day where we went out with my old friend, and I was talking to my mom on my cell. She had known about me for a couple years now, but had never agreed to see a picture of me, but over the past couple of weeks she had made it sound like she was OK with it now. I guess it got my hopes up... I asked her again which email to send a couple pics to, and she all quietly said that she actually wasn't ready, and would most likely never be ready, and I remember feeling absolutely crushed.

I also remember that while Becca was supportive, she's never been.... *into* it all..... I'm sure trans folk out there know what I mean by that. I was also feeling quite lonely, two pride events and I had barely seen any other trans folk anywhere, I hadn't met anyone, all my years of hunting online on all of the standard trans sites had resulted in ZERO people interested in just meeting other similar people for friendship (this city is seriously over-sexed), I guess something in my head / psyche just cracked, and Dawn hung up her heels for quite a while.

Between then and this past November, my trans-ness took another angle while I was subconsciously closeting myself. I may have not put my wig on or put on a full face, but I still wore women's clothing off and on. It started with undies, as it often does (LOL), and undershirts, nothing silly and frilly, just more fitted undershirts (like women's tops tend to be) which would fit under my men's t-shirts or polo's, and hanes boyshorts instead of my usual "athletics" (those tight boxers). At first it was once a week. I would still remove my women's under-stuff before bed, before Becca would see me wear them (she knew I was, I just had trouble letting her see me like that), then slowly over the months it became more and more often, to the point where she would ask me to wear some of my men's sexy undies for her just because I had been wearing femme undergarments so regularly. I started to wear women's lounge wear at home, mainly yoga pants, or loose comfy capri's, in the winter I would snuggle under one of my long knit cardigans (women's of course). I was (again, subconsciously) starting to integrate both my masculine and my feminine, just without actually dolling up completely. As those handful of years went by, I slowly went from hiding the fact that I was wearing a fitted scoop neck undershirt and black hanes panties, to sleeping openly in my femme clothing, wandering around the house in them the next morning, and chatting easily with Becca while lying there in a pair of panties. Sometime at the end of last year, I started wearing women's jeans in boy-mode (yes, to work as well, im a jeans -n- t-shirt person at the office), and after multiple frustrating shopping trips for jeans, I just stopped buying from the guy's side of the store, both Becca and I had to face it, my body isn't shaped like a regular guy's, and my CK size 30s fit me far better than any men's jeans I've ever worn. I started getting manicures, and while I dont wear color all the time (and definitely not to work), I always have a matte coat on my fingers. I've kept my body shaved all summer, and since its quite hot outside I've been wearing (women's) jean capri's to work, shaved legs plainly visible to anyone who wants to look (and oh yes, they've noticed, lol). Oh, and this January, I finally got my ears pierced.

So while I wasn't actually dressing, I was in a way dressing each day, softening my male side. My mannerisms and body language started to lose their macho overtones, I've always been naturally feminine when it came to body language, but like many trans people, I also became one heck of an actor and wore my "male" armor fiercely. That armor is gone now, and if anything, I'm coming across as a soft gay man.

I don't remember exactly when I *snapped* and napalmed my closet, but I'm pretty sure it was sometime last November. Becca was out working all day on a weekend, and I was puttering in the closet, and before I knew it, Dawn was standing before a mirror, barely any makeup, and the camera was out, snap snap snap snap snap, and 100+ pictures later I had created a Flickr account and posted a few new pictures. There was no leading up to this, no decision, it just kinda happened. Becca came home that night to Dawn, and it was a pretty fantastic night, she was happy to see me happy even though for her, this meant dealing with trans stuff again.

A few more dress at home's, stopping off at Dynamite for some shopping in boy mode, then before I knew it we did our first trans club outing, then the very next day (St Patricks day) I went out all on my lonesome to the (gulp!) straight part of the city, right downtown to the Bay Center, got a makeup consult at the MAC counter (right next to the main entrance to the Bay), walked up and down St Catherine street (for those who know Montreal, this is our biggest shopping street in the city) with literally tens of thousands around me, and the world didn't end :). Again, none of this was planned, or worked up to, it just happened. I remember being a little dissapointed by the fact that we got manicures (with color for once and while en femme!) and that I wouldn't be able to enjoy them again, so I just said fuck it, put on my face, and headed out.

Now I'm sitting here in my Jessica Simpson skinny jeans, in my Le Chateau black silk top, all dolled up, looking and feeling great, with Becca asleep next to me on the couch, and I'm resting my feet after a lovely afternoon's shopping with a good girl-friend of mine and her husband. I already have a small circle of trans friends that I've made in my past few outings, and the sweetest trans-oriented guy (he doesn't like the term admirer, this will be another post for the future, interesting stuff) that I keep running into that loves to make me blush (thankfully Becca thinks this is adorable and is not threatened). Things are definitely looking up :)

I've opened so many new avenue's for posts from this one, more to come later, this girl needs her beauty rest. Thanks for reading.



* - all names in this blog have been altered, but I will continue to use the same faux names for the same people to maintain consistency.

Wednesday 8 August 2012

An Introduction

Hi all, Dawn here, as of writing I'm almost done with my 34th year of life, and its been an interesting year to say the least.

This (writing a blog) is something that I've kicked around in my head for a while now, usual procrastination and thoughts of "oh why bother" had always kept me back and unmotivated, but I find myself needing to get some of my thoughts down somewhere semi-permanent (ok, I dont think Google is going anywhere anytime soon, lol) which hopefully will help me remember how I got to.... whereever I end up going!, lol. I dont know if anyone other than a close friend or two will read this, but if you find yourself here, welcome to my little nook of the net, feel free to drop me a line if you like, ill reply to any (respectful, not hateful) post or message sent my way.

So, a little back story, I'll write full posts on parts of my past later on. Again, I'm sure its a story you've all heard many times before, and if you are a trans person, you may have lived it yourself. I had knowledge of being 'different', of feeling like a girl from a very young age, I have memories of tweaking my clothing to make it look girly and staring at myself in the mirror from the age of 5. Puberty was hell in many ways, I recall waking up from dreams in which I was becoming a little girl and checking my body under the covers the second I awoke, when I saw that I didn't have little breasts growing, and I still had my willie, I was crushed, day after day waking up crushed, I don't have to tell you how much that sucks I'm sure. I went through the usual closeting, hiding it from all the girlfriends I had until they eventually found out (like is ALWAYS guaranteed to happen, it may take a year, it may take 20, but a loved one will always find out), until I was strong enough to come out to a woman only a few weeks into our relationship. And guess what?, she married me, confused trans and all she married me, crazy eh?, I know, lol.

So now we've been married for 2 years, and while we have our ups and downs like any married couple, we love each other madly. She has always been OK with the trans.... to a certain extent..... let me explain. See, when I came out to her it wasn't "I'm a crossdresser and I'll never go further than that", I tried to be as honest as I could which meant that yes I was a crossdresser, but I've always felt that it was something more than that. I never hated my male body (except for the hair, ugh!), and I never felt that I was a woman trapped in a mans body, but I always felt like I should have been born female, that inside I'm more than half female, I wouldn't be surprised if I turn out to be XXY (going to find out soon enough). Anyway, so yes, she is supportive, she sees how when I allow myself to be myself that I'm happier as both a guy and a girl. She encourages me to get out, comes with me often (although she is quite happy I'm making my own friends now), helps me with makeup and outfits, after which she steals half of my clothes, and tells me that if I do end up transitioning that she will support me. And here is where the mindfuck comes in, she would support me in transition, while she is completely cisgendered she empathizes with our struggle, and would never want to force me into a male shell if it really is wrong for me, but she is a straight woman, and at this point in time she can't see herself with a woman or as part of a lesbian couple, so we both know that if I do go down that path that it will most likely be the end of us. I can't fault her in the least for feeling this way, I really can't, I try to put myself in her shoes and I can't say for sure that I would stay if the situations were reversed.

It kills me that the person who has supported me the most will be the person the most hurt if her support helps bring me to transition. I hate that, I really really hate that.

So that brings me up to now. I'm getting out and about as often as I can, enjoying it immensely, making connections and friends in the local trans community, really building that support circle that I've been missing for so long. I'm also waiting for a certain therapist to come back from vacation so I can book my first appointment with her. She is a therapist that specializes in transgendered issues, and is one of the "gatekeepers" in Montreal with the power to provide the letters and testimony that a trans person needs in order to be allowed access to horomones, legal changes, and surgeries, so yeah, if I am destined for that life, she will be the one to lead me there.

Wild stuff

Until next time, thanks for dropping by, take care all