I sat down with a guy at work today to tell him about me... well, to confirm it at the very least. After we chitchat for a few minutes, I say to him with a grin on my face "so!, have you heard the rumors?"
He laughs and replies, "the Greek crowd found out, that means everyone knows, you know that"
Told my director, no problem, he was worried that I was about to tell him I had found another job, hehe. I even brought up "oh boy, the next business trip is going to be interesting!"... he laughed as much as I did... but he never said "well, maybe we can't send you anymore", nothing like that slipped by at all... awesome
Found out that the Italian old timers (not that they're that old, just that they've been here for ever) on the other side of the company all found out as well, and no one seems to have any issues in any way shape or form either, from what I understand the average opinion is it's my life to live and if this is what I need then that's just fine. Nothing wrong with that at all
Confirmed as well that a few of the girls figured it out on their own, they actually noticed the changes.
That company wide email may not even be necessary... hell, will I even make it another 6 weeks?, heheheh
What a wild ride.
Wednesday 22 May 2013
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Critical mass has been achieved....
So while I was off last week, the tall Dane who shares a cubicle wall comes over to Stephanie, who everyone knows is a good friend of mine, and asks her.... "so, are the rumors true?"
I have become *the* office rumor it seems, and I'm not entirely sure how long its been going on, haha!.
I got another insight into it when I was chatting with a girlfriend that I came out to right before I hurt my back, she told me that now that she knows, she realizes that there has been 'talk' about me all around the office for a little bit now, and yeah, lots of people have figured it out. On a very positive note, she said that overall she has heard one single negative bathroom related thing, which seemed to have been dealt with by the other women talking to the complainer, but other than that, people are simply curious, not judgmental.
and that's all pretty damn cool!... only one complainer so far?, I'll take it!
I had always figured that I would have used the rumor mill to my advantage at one point, and the coming out that I did 2 weeks ago was in fact the beginning of that, but oh well, the rumors have preceded me, and I'm totally OK with that. Hell, this is happening regardless, the more people that know before the "official" email comes out about me, the better, and if its being taken care of on its own, even better still!. After all, I can't sit down and talk to each of the other 250 some employees at the bloody company, even if they all know who I am....
in 42 days, I'll be sitting here at my kitchen table at the end of my first day as Dawn at work.... whoah.... hahahahhahaha, crazy!
The girls I told about me before leaving, as well as another manager, and another sweet girl I told this morning, all took it great. The women really seem to accept me fully as "one of the team", it feels entirely genuine from them, and almost all of them have volunteered a "oh don't worry about the bathroom, I don't know how anyone would have a problem with that" comment to me which again, awesome.
My therapist asked me yesterday if 6 months ago, I would have believed where I am right now at this second, looking at social transition just 6 weeks away, and I cracked up in laughter. I counted the months from Nov 2011, eighteen months.... its been eighteen months since I came back out and put my makeup on for the first time in ages, and now I've been on hormones for two months already.... this was supposed to be impossible.... then it was supposed to still be far away..... and all of a sudden, its here.
and I'm beautiful
and I cried out of sheer happiness for the first time since my wedding day
love you all, thank you all for your help in this, and if you think I may be talking to you, I probably am
thank you
Dawn
I have become *the* office rumor it seems, and I'm not entirely sure how long its been going on, haha!.
I got another insight into it when I was chatting with a girlfriend that I came out to right before I hurt my back, she told me that now that she knows, she realizes that there has been 'talk' about me all around the office for a little bit now, and yeah, lots of people have figured it out. On a very positive note, she said that overall she has heard one single negative bathroom related thing, which seemed to have been dealt with by the other women talking to the complainer, but other than that, people are simply curious, not judgmental.
and that's all pretty damn cool!... only one complainer so far?, I'll take it!
I had always figured that I would have used the rumor mill to my advantage at one point, and the coming out that I did 2 weeks ago was in fact the beginning of that, but oh well, the rumors have preceded me, and I'm totally OK with that. Hell, this is happening regardless, the more people that know before the "official" email comes out about me, the better, and if its being taken care of on its own, even better still!. After all, I can't sit down and talk to each of the other 250 some employees at the bloody company, even if they all know who I am....
in 42 days, I'll be sitting here at my kitchen table at the end of my first day as Dawn at work.... whoah.... hahahahhahaha, crazy!
The girls I told about me before leaving, as well as another manager, and another sweet girl I told this morning, all took it great. The women really seem to accept me fully as "one of the team", it feels entirely genuine from them, and almost all of them have volunteered a "oh don't worry about the bathroom, I don't know how anyone would have a problem with that" comment to me which again, awesome.
My therapist asked me yesterday if 6 months ago, I would have believed where I am right now at this second, looking at social transition just 6 weeks away, and I cracked up in laughter. I counted the months from Nov 2011, eighteen months.... its been eighteen months since I came back out and put my makeup on for the first time in ages, and now I've been on hormones for two months already.... this was supposed to be impossible.... then it was supposed to still be far away..... and all of a sudden, its here.
and I'm beautiful
and I cried out of sheer happiness for the first time since my wedding day
love you all, thank you all for your help in this, and if you think I may be talking to you, I probably am
thank you
Dawn
Sunday 19 May 2013
The line revisited.....
I've talked about this before, and when I reviewed my old posts I was actually a little surprised to see that it was way back last September, while I was spending a month alone, for some reason I had thought it was a lot more recent....
it's funny, looking at my writing from just a few months back, how different the words I use are, how the concepts have shifted. I talk about presenting femme... I don't feel like I present anymore (as though the word present is something that I have to put forward), I simply am....
I've been out of commission for a good week now with my back being all screwed up, but in the past couple of days I've gone out briefly, run a few errands, mainly just to get out of the damn house. It's mind numbing to be stuck in an empty house all week... if I could sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time I'd even work!
I mentioned in my last post how I had gone out on Friday, but this time, with no wig, and how after my confidence was raised by the easy trip to the bank, I then went to the liquor store and the dep. The next day I did the same, I went to visit two of my lovely aunts so they could meet the new me, again wigless, and on the way home, I figured what the hell, lets do some groceries with this new look.... and again.... everything went great.
In fact, I find that I get less looks without my wig.... I've had the comment often that while my wig is gorgeous and does often pass for real hair.... it does make me stand out more, especially at the grocery store where NO woman would have hair that nicely put together. It's gorgeous.... but it makes me look a little fake.... and now with my kinda thinning but growing hair, I just look like a regular woman who is a little thin up on top.
anyway, back to today, hehe, today took the cake. Once again, I needed to get out, and I was putting off picking stuff up at Walmart cause... well.... thats a busy damn store and I still wasn't completely solid without my wig. But, as I've been doing lately, I grit my teeth and set off.
and as usual, after a whole 30 seconds inside the store, I forgot that I was doing anything out of the ordinary.... cause in reality.... I'm not. I'm just another woman out getting some stuff
after Walmart I hit another of my usual stores, nothing appealed to me, so I set my eyes on the one place that was still freaking me out..... the one place that I had been wanting to go to for a couple of days now.... the lingerie store. I had been there before, but with my wig, and with my forms which obviously gave me something to put into a real bra!, but now, no wig, only my little training bra on me, oof.... I had been dreading this.... I know I have every right to be in a place like that shopping, but I hate the idea of making other natal women uncomfortable in a place where they feel vulnerable
but a friend of mine had invited me over to her place for swimming and tanning.... and that had gotten me thinking about a bathing suit.... and that was something that I had told myself I would only be ready for in 2015.... and I figured I'd be able to find a good, full coverage, one piece suit that looks more like a mini dress... I know I can pull that look off....
so, I went in, browsed the bathing suits, and as usual, time just started slipping by and I immediately stopped worrying. I found myself in a cabin trying on about 15 different pieces, one piece suits, bikini's, wow. I stopped at one point when I found that I actually looked pretty darn good in the pink and orange bandeau top that I currently had on and almost cried. Look at where I was, how far I had come, and no one had given me a single double take, nothing. I was confident enough to call out for my sales girl, and send her across the store hunting for different pieces for me, poking my wigless head out of the curtain asking whoever was there to find me a bit of help, just being one of the girls.
and at the end of it all.... I bought a bikini.... me, a 35 year old trans woman, just eight weeks into her transition, bought her first bikini more than 2 years before the date she set herself to do so.
and it felt wonderful, and I look frakin AMAZING!!!!!
so I guess the wig is behind me. Just last week when I made the decision to up the date of my transition, I wrote, and told others, how I would be OK wearing my wig for another year or two until I was comfortable going without.... well..... if I can go without, in a packed lingerie store, and try on bikini's for an hour, and feel gorgeous and comfortable..... then I think I'm doing just fine without it.
This all bring us back to the line. Where is it?, is there still one?
I was chatting with Violet today after my shopping trip, telling her how I can't wait to go full time, and that I'm really not looking forward to going back to work because I have to "dress like a boy". She very astutely pointed out how my "dress like a boy" is only about 2 minutes of work away from my "dress like a girl" mode (seriously, for Dawn, take Phil, add foundation powder, eyeliner, lipstick, more jewlerry and a cute top.... done), so why did I still find it so difficult to "look" like a boy?.
that got me thinking... after all... I take off the unisex tshirt that I wear over my femme undershirt, and I look just like Dawn without the little bumps from her bra.... so why is putting that shirt on so painful for me?
its not the shirt... thats the thing.... its no longer the clothes because I wear mostly the same stuff. It's not the makeup, I wear makeup everyday. It's the fact that the way I look, the way that I present at work, people still assume that I'm a boy, and thats what pisses me off. To me, I'm the same person now every day, the line is gone, but to the rest of the world, the line is still there, and yes, the line is simply a touch of makeup (even without my bra bumps I pass) which will inform them just enough that I am female.
and there's that word again, present. Up top I said that to me presenting was something that you put forward.... and I used to present femme.... now on the other hand, I am femme, and for work I present male
I'm now a woman, that crossdresses, badly, as a boy, to go to work.... there's the truth of it all.... took me a while of typing and deleting to get that idea to form.... but there you have it.... and that's why "being" a boy for work is such shit
and that also answers the original question.... the line is essentially gone because there is nothing to put onto the other side of the line for me anymore.... even at work where I am still somewhat different, it's not that I'm faking it for others, it's that I don't open their eyes to who I really am, I let them keep that old identity of me, that mental image of me, complete in their minds. And as I open their eyes, person by person, they all see the same thing, that the person sitting across from them hasn't been Phil in a long time....
the line is now in the mind of those around me, it's no longer inside me, and even in their minds, the line is fading
In 43 days, it will be 10.45pm on Canada day, and I'll be due at my desk in about 11 hours... I'll wake up and put my makeup on, most likely my jean capri's, ballet flats, my regular day to day makeup, a cute snug top, my old pass with my old face and name that I'll be getting replaced the next day, and for the first day of the rest of my life, I'll finally live my dream and be myself for the entire world to see
I
can't
wait
it's funny, looking at my writing from just a few months back, how different the words I use are, how the concepts have shifted. I talk about presenting femme... I don't feel like I present anymore (as though the word present is something that I have to put forward), I simply am....
I've been out of commission for a good week now with my back being all screwed up, but in the past couple of days I've gone out briefly, run a few errands, mainly just to get out of the damn house. It's mind numbing to be stuck in an empty house all week... if I could sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time I'd even work!
I mentioned in my last post how I had gone out on Friday, but this time, with no wig, and how after my confidence was raised by the easy trip to the bank, I then went to the liquor store and the dep. The next day I did the same, I went to visit two of my lovely aunts so they could meet the new me, again wigless, and on the way home, I figured what the hell, lets do some groceries with this new look.... and again.... everything went great.
In fact, I find that I get less looks without my wig.... I've had the comment often that while my wig is gorgeous and does often pass for real hair.... it does make me stand out more, especially at the grocery store where NO woman would have hair that nicely put together. It's gorgeous.... but it makes me look a little fake.... and now with my kinda thinning but growing hair, I just look like a regular woman who is a little thin up on top.
anyway, back to today, hehe, today took the cake. Once again, I needed to get out, and I was putting off picking stuff up at Walmart cause... well.... thats a busy damn store and I still wasn't completely solid without my wig. But, as I've been doing lately, I grit my teeth and set off.
and as usual, after a whole 30 seconds inside the store, I forgot that I was doing anything out of the ordinary.... cause in reality.... I'm not. I'm just another woman out getting some stuff
after Walmart I hit another of my usual stores, nothing appealed to me, so I set my eyes on the one place that was still freaking me out..... the one place that I had been wanting to go to for a couple of days now.... the lingerie store. I had been there before, but with my wig, and with my forms which obviously gave me something to put into a real bra!, but now, no wig, only my little training bra on me, oof.... I had been dreading this.... I know I have every right to be in a place like that shopping, but I hate the idea of making other natal women uncomfortable in a place where they feel vulnerable
but a friend of mine had invited me over to her place for swimming and tanning.... and that had gotten me thinking about a bathing suit.... and that was something that I had told myself I would only be ready for in 2015.... and I figured I'd be able to find a good, full coverage, one piece suit that looks more like a mini dress... I know I can pull that look off....
so, I went in, browsed the bathing suits, and as usual, time just started slipping by and I immediately stopped worrying. I found myself in a cabin trying on about 15 different pieces, one piece suits, bikini's, wow. I stopped at one point when I found that I actually looked pretty darn good in the pink and orange bandeau top that I currently had on and almost cried. Look at where I was, how far I had come, and no one had given me a single double take, nothing. I was confident enough to call out for my sales girl, and send her across the store hunting for different pieces for me, poking my wigless head out of the curtain asking whoever was there to find me a bit of help, just being one of the girls.
and at the end of it all.... I bought a bikini.... me, a 35 year old trans woman, just eight weeks into her transition, bought her first bikini more than 2 years before the date she set herself to do so.
and it felt wonderful, and I look frakin AMAZING!!!!!
so I guess the wig is behind me. Just last week when I made the decision to up the date of my transition, I wrote, and told others, how I would be OK wearing my wig for another year or two until I was comfortable going without.... well..... if I can go without, in a packed lingerie store, and try on bikini's for an hour, and feel gorgeous and comfortable..... then I think I'm doing just fine without it.
This all bring us back to the line. Where is it?, is there still one?
I was chatting with Violet today after my shopping trip, telling her how I can't wait to go full time, and that I'm really not looking forward to going back to work because I have to "dress like a boy". She very astutely pointed out how my "dress like a boy" is only about 2 minutes of work away from my "dress like a girl" mode (seriously, for Dawn, take Phil, add foundation powder, eyeliner, lipstick, more jewlerry and a cute top.... done), so why did I still find it so difficult to "look" like a boy?.
that got me thinking... after all... I take off the unisex tshirt that I wear over my femme undershirt, and I look just like Dawn without the little bumps from her bra.... so why is putting that shirt on so painful for me?
its not the shirt... thats the thing.... its no longer the clothes because I wear mostly the same stuff. It's not the makeup, I wear makeup everyday. It's the fact that the way I look, the way that I present at work, people still assume that I'm a boy, and thats what pisses me off. To me, I'm the same person now every day, the line is gone, but to the rest of the world, the line is still there, and yes, the line is simply a touch of makeup (even without my bra bumps I pass) which will inform them just enough that I am female.
and there's that word again, present. Up top I said that to me presenting was something that you put forward.... and I used to present femme.... now on the other hand, I am femme, and for work I present male
I'm now a woman, that crossdresses, badly, as a boy, to go to work.... there's the truth of it all.... took me a while of typing and deleting to get that idea to form.... but there you have it.... and that's why "being" a boy for work is such shit
and that also answers the original question.... the line is essentially gone because there is nothing to put onto the other side of the line for me anymore.... even at work where I am still somewhat different, it's not that I'm faking it for others, it's that I don't open their eyes to who I really am, I let them keep that old identity of me, that mental image of me, complete in their minds. And as I open their eyes, person by person, they all see the same thing, that the person sitting across from them hasn't been Phil in a long time....
the line is now in the mind of those around me, it's no longer inside me, and even in their minds, the line is fading
In 43 days, it will be 10.45pm on Canada day, and I'll be due at my desk in about 11 hours... I'll wake up and put my makeup on, most likely my jean capri's, ballet flats, my regular day to day makeup, a cute snug top, my old pass with my old face and name that I'll be getting replaced the next day, and for the first day of the rest of my life, I'll finally live my dream and be myself for the entire world to see
I
can't
wait
Friday 17 May 2013
Speed bump...
Well, things were going well, then I coughed a little too hard last Sunday morning, and before I knew it, I was on the floor gritting my teeth in pain. I lay there for a while straight out on the cold tile, then rolled over onto my stomach and tried to stretch, but no good, I was locked up.
I didn't get the same nerve pain as I had had a few years back, but the tightening of my back and right leg was oh so much worse (or I have simply forgotten what hell I went through then, which I'm thinking is more than likely), and until my osteo unlocked me two days later, just walking was almost impossible.
I'm lumbering around the house now, drove myself to my appointment yesterday afternoon (new car has fat seats thankfully!) and managed to go run a couple quick errands without it hurting too too much, so I'm definitely on the mend.... but still..... I just lost a week to a frakin cough if you think about it.... that sucks....
and when you are lying flat on your gut, new parts of you getting sore while you rest the originally sore parts of you, you have a lot of time to think....
I thought back to the last time this happened of course, and how Becca had accused me of creating, or at least exacerbating the problem, by holding things back, by not dealing with stuff like I should be and it causing me stress... which as I know affects my digestive system, which in turn presses at my spine where my hernia is... Like I said last time I brought this up, I think she had a point.... and again, I think this little flare up was also in part caused by my not dealing with shit like I need to right now.
Obviously I'm going through a lot, and obviously lots of it is great, wonderful, almost like I'm living in a dream, and lately, this is the stuff I've been trying to focus on. Of course, at the same time, I have a lot of bad stuff, tough stuff, frustrating and upsetting stuff going on, responsibilities I need to be dealing with which I've been neglecting in part, not wanting to sink back into the sadness...
and well, when you get literally knocked off your feet, you suddenly find yourself with a ton of time. So I sent that email I had been postponing... started dealing with all of that unpleasantness after it didn't go the way I had hoped, still trying to keep the floodgates from opening... I dealt with insurance shopping for my new car and finally made a decision.... got my official name change under way..... was taken care of by some wonderful girlfriends over the week, helping me get to my appointments and just not feeling so lonely (and one is 11 weeks pregnant, love you girl!!!).... my awesome car salesman brought my new toy directly to me and we signed everything at my kitchen table, pretty damn good service if I do say so!....
and once I started taking care of all of that, my soul felt a bit lighter, and things looked a bit brighter, and as usual, I have no idea why I was procrastinating. Those behaviors we learn as children are so hard to break...
I went to my osteo treatments as a boy, wearing women's lounge clothes... with a baby smooth face and long hair.... and women's flats.... ok, I honestly have no clue what I looked like to all of them (for the record, its a sports clinic in a predominantly Greek / Italian neighborhood) but I was definitely turning heads. I spoke at length about what is going on with me with my osteo (he's known me for ~7 years now), knowing that half the room is listening to us chat, and it felt good. I talked to the receptionist about it and she didn't even blink, people are pretty damn cool around here....
And today, to top it all off, I headed off to the bank after putting my face on, a cute top and my loose jeans, but the big difference is, no wig. Dawn went out wigless in her little country town, and it was.... normal.... I didn't feel that anyone did a double take, no widening of the eyes, nothing.... maybe what my friends tell me is true, that my wig outs me faster as a trans person than my thinning hair. The bank was so easy that I went to the liquor store and got a lovely bottle of Laphroaig, then to the corner store to pick up a couple items, and the little old lady that works at the store just gave me her usual huge smile and "hello dear how are you!", which in all honesty has only started since I appeared as a woman to her, and now as my new wigless self, hehehe
When I first hurt myself five days ago, I told my mom that I was scared that this was some form of karmic punishment for transitioning, for being too happy.... she told me to stop being an idiot and that I sounded worse than a fundamentalist. It may still make me sound a bit cuckoo, but I was stressing without dealing with it, ignoring things, postponing things, and it was taking its toll, and it found its way out and I was slowed down... my back was my speed bump.
Now, I've dealt with shit, I'm dealing with other stuff, not out of the woods, but I'm back on my way up. And I truly believe that as a reward I was given this day where I found a new level of comfort with myself and how i look to the world. I was questioning my choice of eight weeks (seven now), but no, I know that is the right choice, it's going to happen. I checked with my hairdresser and she is working the week before Dawn comes out, so she'll make me look beautiful and whats even better, she is SO looking forward to it, she takes it as an honor.
Speed bump over, couple more days of rest...... then full speed ahead....
Dawn's coming
I didn't get the same nerve pain as I had had a few years back, but the tightening of my back and right leg was oh so much worse (or I have simply forgotten what hell I went through then, which I'm thinking is more than likely), and until my osteo unlocked me two days later, just walking was almost impossible.
I'm lumbering around the house now, drove myself to my appointment yesterday afternoon (new car has fat seats thankfully!) and managed to go run a couple quick errands without it hurting too too much, so I'm definitely on the mend.... but still..... I just lost a week to a frakin cough if you think about it.... that sucks....
and when you are lying flat on your gut, new parts of you getting sore while you rest the originally sore parts of you, you have a lot of time to think....
I thought back to the last time this happened of course, and how Becca had accused me of creating, or at least exacerbating the problem, by holding things back, by not dealing with stuff like I should be and it causing me stress... which as I know affects my digestive system, which in turn presses at my spine where my hernia is... Like I said last time I brought this up, I think she had a point.... and again, I think this little flare up was also in part caused by my not dealing with shit like I need to right now.
Obviously I'm going through a lot, and obviously lots of it is great, wonderful, almost like I'm living in a dream, and lately, this is the stuff I've been trying to focus on. Of course, at the same time, I have a lot of bad stuff, tough stuff, frustrating and upsetting stuff going on, responsibilities I need to be dealing with which I've been neglecting in part, not wanting to sink back into the sadness...
and well, when you get literally knocked off your feet, you suddenly find yourself with a ton of time. So I sent that email I had been postponing... started dealing with all of that unpleasantness after it didn't go the way I had hoped, still trying to keep the floodgates from opening... I dealt with insurance shopping for my new car and finally made a decision.... got my official name change under way..... was taken care of by some wonderful girlfriends over the week, helping me get to my appointments and just not feeling so lonely (and one is 11 weeks pregnant, love you girl!!!).... my awesome car salesman brought my new toy directly to me and we signed everything at my kitchen table, pretty damn good service if I do say so!....
and once I started taking care of all of that, my soul felt a bit lighter, and things looked a bit brighter, and as usual, I have no idea why I was procrastinating. Those behaviors we learn as children are so hard to break...
I went to my osteo treatments as a boy, wearing women's lounge clothes... with a baby smooth face and long hair.... and women's flats.... ok, I honestly have no clue what I looked like to all of them (for the record, its a sports clinic in a predominantly Greek / Italian neighborhood) but I was definitely turning heads. I spoke at length about what is going on with me with my osteo (he's known me for ~7 years now), knowing that half the room is listening to us chat, and it felt good. I talked to the receptionist about it and she didn't even blink, people are pretty damn cool around here....
And today, to top it all off, I headed off to the bank after putting my face on, a cute top and my loose jeans, but the big difference is, no wig. Dawn went out wigless in her little country town, and it was.... normal.... I didn't feel that anyone did a double take, no widening of the eyes, nothing.... maybe what my friends tell me is true, that my wig outs me faster as a trans person than my thinning hair. The bank was so easy that I went to the liquor store and got a lovely bottle of Laphroaig, then to the corner store to pick up a couple items, and the little old lady that works at the store just gave me her usual huge smile and "hello dear how are you!", which in all honesty has only started since I appeared as a woman to her, and now as my new wigless self, hehehe
When I first hurt myself five days ago, I told my mom that I was scared that this was some form of karmic punishment for transitioning, for being too happy.... she told me to stop being an idiot and that I sounded worse than a fundamentalist. It may still make me sound a bit cuckoo, but I was stressing without dealing with it, ignoring things, postponing things, and it was taking its toll, and it found its way out and I was slowed down... my back was my speed bump.
Now, I've dealt with shit, I'm dealing with other stuff, not out of the woods, but I'm back on my way up. And I truly believe that as a reward I was given this day where I found a new level of comfort with myself and how i look to the world. I was questioning my choice of eight weeks (seven now), but no, I know that is the right choice, it's going to happen. I checked with my hairdresser and she is working the week before Dawn comes out, so she'll make me look beautiful and whats even better, she is SO looking forward to it, she takes it as an honor.
Speed bump over, couple more days of rest...... then full speed ahead....
Dawn's coming
Thursday 9 May 2013
Eight weeks.... part 2
I filled out my request for a review of my name change process today (step 1 of that process)
I've come out to a couple more guys at work, so far so good
I'll be sitting with HR again tomorrow to tell them that yes, it's happening, sooner rather than later
I'm doing it
Eight weeks
the countdown starts
I've come out to a couple more guys at work, so far so good
I'll be sitting with HR again tomorrow to tell them that yes, it's happening, sooner rather than later
I'm doing it
Eight weeks
the countdown starts
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Eight weeks?
Talked about a lot of stuff at therapy today, but primarily about the "when" of my social transition. When do I go to HR and say "The month of prep time starts now"
when do I say.... GO... when do I start that 4 week timer to when Dawn walks into the office instead of Phil
really, at this point, I'm pretty much out of excuses. She asked me today, what is holding you back from doing it?... all those *things* that I had been waiting for have either occurred, or I just don't care about anymore
I wanted my hips and ass to fill out..... pshaw, I'm a white chick, and I'm curvier than a lot of white girls out there already, no biggie...
I wanted my chest to be almost fully grown so I didn't have to go through puberty with everyone at work watching.... screw that, why should I let the chumps that would care hold me back from doing what I need to do?, and I'm actually really happy about how I look with my little 38A cup bra, not something I would have thought that I would be saying at this point...
I wanted my hair to be full, or have gone through hair transplants... bah!, I look great in my wig, I'll get a second so I always have one ready and clean, and when I'm ready to go wigless, then I'll go wigless, not a reason at all to keep pretending to be a boy at work...
In fact, the only thing I have left that is actually kinda somewhat holding me back is laser. I've finished my sixth session, and I was wearing makeup two days later even though I didn't look fantastic, so hopefully in 4 weeks I wont have a lot of stubble back in waiting to be zapped, and if I don't, then my last excuse crumbles to dust.... and even if I have a bit... zap it, take a day off and work from home to let my face heal, go back the next day in my full glory...
so as I came to realize all of this while we were talking... I got a little nervous, my system squirted out a shot of adrenaline, my hands shook a bit... I got giddy, giggly, a little silly....
I was trying the idea on for size... eight weeks till the finish line... that's what it is for me, sure I have a ton of other crap to do, name changes, hair and nails, letting my damn body fill out, but for me, that's all paperwork.... when I walk down the long corridor, the length of our office, to get to my cubicle in the far corner, with my wig and face on.... that's the damn finish line right there.
and trying the idea on, it felt good, it felt right, scary as hell, but it felt right. I felt proud to know that it was coming, proud of myself for being here, happy for myself, I even gave myself a literal pat on the back.
but now I'm picturing it... or I should say I just pictured it and stopped writing for a moment... Phil in a wig walking down the aisle, oh hell.... see.... it's easy for the fear to come back. I'm in my 13th year there now, and we have very low turnaround in our department, so the vast majority of people have known me for over a decade. They have that guy in their heads when they think of me.... and will continue to have it for a while still.
but they'll forget... it's human nature... at least I hope it is ;)
so yeah, how did we get to the eight weeks?. Well, in four weeks I'll know if I can easily transition now or if I should wait for another laser session, and if I'm good to go, then I walk into HRs office and say... go... let's do this... and that starts the countdown... the four week countdown...
THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!!
dadada daaaaa.... dada da da da.... dadada daaaaa... da dada da da da da
sorry
anyway, the other thing I had wanted to mention, and I thought I was going to use it as a lead up, but whatever... it's gorgeous outside up here, finally, and has been for a good ten days. In typical Montreal fashion, all the women have broken out the summer dresses, capri's, sandals, all that lovely comfy summer stuff that men simply have no real substitute for... and it is severely triggering my dysphoria. It's so nice outside that I get twitchy at my desk and take breaks outside with little walks, yet when I do that I'm inundated by my sisters, yet I'm out there pretending (and not doing a good job, holy crap the looks I'm getting at work, lol) to be a fuckin boy. Also, since it's so hot outside, I'm not layering like I used to, which would always help the way I felt about my presentation (tights under jeans makes your legs look just awesome!)... but now it's a single tshirt and jeans, so I'm wearing less femmy stuff, makes me feel more like a boy, and blarg!.... suffice it to say.... it sucks
my therapist today commented on how summery I looked, my bright yellow tank top (maybe that's why I was attracting attention, this thing is neon in the sun!), I told her I simply needed to feel that way, the way that all you women were dressing was driving me insane with jealousy... I actually did my makeup completely in the car and added my bra and yellow top while sitting in traffic, I didn't even want to drive as a boy.... which led to the dysphoria conversation....
so that's enough writing in reverse....
eight weeks
I think I can pull it off.....
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