In just under 12 hours, I'll be at the doctors office starting my appointment in which I get my prescription, and maybe my first shot, for Hormone Replacement Therapy
Over the next few weeks, the drugs I'll be taking will hormonally shift my system into the normal regions for a woman, and then the changes start
It's such a huge day, I feel like I should be writing this long meandering philosophical post, but honestly folks, I got nothing, lol...
it almost feels like it's not real, lets see how I feel 24 hours from now, hehe...
There is this event that occurred many years ago now that has often jumped into my mind, this was 2008 I think, when I went out to pride with a transwoman friend of mine. It had been ages since I had gotten out en femme, and I was in a great mood, and I mentioned off hand how it sucks that I have to go back to the "real world" tomorrow. She looked at me quizzically, and asked me why didn't I feel that *this* was the real world, and well, for me back then, it wasn't. Being Dawn was still a fantasy, something I could only allow myself to do from time to time, something that was for beautiful people like Viki, not for people like me....
I remember my first therapist back in 2005/6 ask me if I would ever want to go to work as a woman, or live life outside of pride or trans-clubs as a woman... I remember responding to him "heh, no no, of course not, who, me?, ha!"... and I remember not feeling very sure about that answer at all....
I remember driving to Ottawa to see a friend after my first major relationship ended, and for whatever reason, I had this vivid daydream while making the drive about living my life as a woman, entirely... telling myself how impossible it was.... crying....
and now....
it's real
good night all!
Tuesday 26 March 2013
Saturday 23 March 2013
A post from G+
The subject of "hairy guy in panties" came up on a G+ group that I'm part of, and I just wanted to state my 0x02 cents on the issue, which is the same thing I replied to in the post:
I think there is a line between fat hairy guy in lingerie, and an actual trans person who for whatever reason can't shave (due to being too closeted) and can't get properly fitting stuff, and just trying to look as good as they can while acting out a bit. One is a pure and pure fetishist and I don't consider them trans in any way shape or form, thats why we have the word transvestite (previously transvestic fetishist I believe), and what this person decides to do is of no consequence to me as they do not represent me, and anyone who thinks so is a fucking idiot not worth my time; the other, is just someone in a sad place that deserves compassion instead of judgement.
I've heard the story often from mid / late life transitioners that they first allowed themselves to experience some level of femininity through lingerie, masturbation, erotica, after all, when the hormones are raging you can end up doing a lot that you otherwise wouldn't allow yourself to. In this day and age of online everything, it would make sense that the "acting out" would and could make its way online, and to those people I offer support and compassion, and I hope they come to love themselves enough to put away the porn and actually be themselves.
To the hairy guys in garter belts, hey, if it gets you off, great, don't come prancing to me expecting me to treat you like a "sister", being a woman isn't a fucking game, it's my life.
Cheers
I think there is a line between fat hairy guy in lingerie, and an actual trans person who for whatever reason can't shave (due to being too closeted) and can't get properly fitting stuff, and just trying to look as good as they can while acting out a bit. One is a pure and pure fetishist and I don't consider them trans in any way shape or form, thats why we have the word transvestite (previously transvestic fetishist I believe), and what this person decides to do is of no consequence to me as they do not represent me, and anyone who thinks so is a fucking idiot not worth my time; the other, is just someone in a sad place that deserves compassion instead of judgement.
I've heard the story often from mid / late life transitioners that they first allowed themselves to experience some level of femininity through lingerie, masturbation, erotica, after all, when the hormones are raging you can end up doing a lot that you otherwise wouldn't allow yourself to. In this day and age of online everything, it would make sense that the "acting out" would and could make its way online, and to those people I offer support and compassion, and I hope they come to love themselves enough to put away the porn and actually be themselves.
To the hairy guys in garter belts, hey, if it gets you off, great, don't come prancing to me expecting me to treat you like a "sister", being a woman isn't a fucking game, it's my life.
Cheers
Wednesday 13 March 2013
two weeks...
Haven't written in a while, I sat down to do so a couple of times but the words didn't flow, the ideas weren't there, so I didn't push it.
It's not that nothing has been going on, lots has, and I'm only 2 weeks away now from starting hormones. I've been excited about it, apprehensive about it, scared of it, my emotions have run the gamut, but at the same time, I've been almost blase about it half of the time. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
The concept of "choice" that I've spoken about once or twice has been on my mind a lot as well lately. I'll recap briefly, in that, yes, I am trans, transgender-ism is real, I feel it, I accept it, and in a perfect world, the choice of transitioning would be an easy, and fully supported one. But the reality of it is, if I chose to, I could hide it away again, go back to being part time, as long as I could be the femmy guy that I've become (I honestly don't think I could become a dude again). I'd most likely be miserable, I may seriously consider suicide one day, I dunno, but for a lot of us trans folks, this is a do or die situation, and well, to be honest, I don't feel that way, at least not yet. I do believe that I will get there someday, and that feeling helped get me to where I am now, although it's not one that I think of often anymore. I'm already 35, I know that I'll *have* to do this at one point, I don't want that to be when I'm 50, when I only have ten good years ahead of me.
But then, when I put my face on, put together a nice outfit, and go out into the world, I know I'm doing the right thing, and I can't wait for it to be real. I've outed myself to a couple girls at work, and it feels great to have people I can be myself with, and I can't wait to be myself all the time, and not need the fake boobs, and hopefully not need a wig, and not have to go home to change, god I'm starting to hate having to do that.
so yeah, it's clear that I want to do this, it's clear that I'm happier as a woman, it's just very strange for me to consciously make a decision like this with only my best interests at heart, knowing that it will hurt certain people I love... and late at night, when I'm not interacting with the world, and Becca, the woman I may very well lose over this is sleeping beside me, it doesn't feel that bad to be in this body, to be this person, but it's easy in those situations to forget how wonderful life feels as myself, as a woman, and how difficult it's become as a guy.
........ a thought I'm going to try and get down on paper...... those times late at night with her, are some of my favorite times, cuddling, giving her a foot rub, those are the times I feel the closest to her.... and not only may I lose her, but I may never have someone to sit there and cuddle with late at night.... and I have to be OK with that.... anyway....
on a good side, I came out to the director of HR and she seems to be well on board, we're trying to find a time to get out for coffee so she can meet the new me. Like I mentioned, I came out to two of the girls at work, my long time friend Cathy who sits next to me has known for a while of course, and today I told my boss (male) who I've worked for for 12 years now, and while he was a bit surprised, he also seems fine with it.
more pretty big news, my mom met the new me as well this past weekend which went very well, she was surprised at how natural it felt and how easy it was. Another thing I liked was that, completely unprompted, she told me how she noticed that I was less twitchy, less nervous, less anxious, and just happier overall, like I didn't have that chip on my shoulder anymore.
so yeah, I guess that's it, gonna keep coming out slowly to people at work, going to keep enjoying being myself, and two weeks left baby, two weeks..... whoah
It's not that nothing has been going on, lots has, and I'm only 2 weeks away now from starting hormones. I've been excited about it, apprehensive about it, scared of it, my emotions have run the gamut, but at the same time, I've been almost blase about it half of the time. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
The concept of "choice" that I've spoken about once or twice has been on my mind a lot as well lately. I'll recap briefly, in that, yes, I am trans, transgender-ism is real, I feel it, I accept it, and in a perfect world, the choice of transitioning would be an easy, and fully supported one. But the reality of it is, if I chose to, I could hide it away again, go back to being part time, as long as I could be the femmy guy that I've become (I honestly don't think I could become a dude again). I'd most likely be miserable, I may seriously consider suicide one day, I dunno, but for a lot of us trans folks, this is a do or die situation, and well, to be honest, I don't feel that way, at least not yet. I do believe that I will get there someday, and that feeling helped get me to where I am now, although it's not one that I think of often anymore. I'm already 35, I know that I'll *have* to do this at one point, I don't want that to be when I'm 50, when I only have ten good years ahead of me.
But then, when I put my face on, put together a nice outfit, and go out into the world, I know I'm doing the right thing, and I can't wait for it to be real. I've outed myself to a couple girls at work, and it feels great to have people I can be myself with, and I can't wait to be myself all the time, and not need the fake boobs, and hopefully not need a wig, and not have to go home to change, god I'm starting to hate having to do that.
so yeah, it's clear that I want to do this, it's clear that I'm happier as a woman, it's just very strange for me to consciously make a decision like this with only my best interests at heart, knowing that it will hurt certain people I love... and late at night, when I'm not interacting with the world, and Becca, the woman I may very well lose over this is sleeping beside me, it doesn't feel that bad to be in this body, to be this person, but it's easy in those situations to forget how wonderful life feels as myself, as a woman, and how difficult it's become as a guy.
........ a thought I'm going to try and get down on paper...... those times late at night with her, are some of my favorite times, cuddling, giving her a foot rub, those are the times I feel the closest to her.... and not only may I lose her, but I may never have someone to sit there and cuddle with late at night.... and I have to be OK with that.... anyway....
on a good side, I came out to the director of HR and she seems to be well on board, we're trying to find a time to get out for coffee so she can meet the new me. Like I mentioned, I came out to two of the girls at work, my long time friend Cathy who sits next to me has known for a while of course, and today I told my boss (male) who I've worked for for 12 years now, and while he was a bit surprised, he also seems fine with it.
more pretty big news, my mom met the new me as well this past weekend which went very well, she was surprised at how natural it felt and how easy it was. Another thing I liked was that, completely unprompted, she told me how she noticed that I was less twitchy, less nervous, less anxious, and just happier overall, like I didn't have that chip on my shoulder anymore.
so yeah, I guess that's it, gonna keep coming out slowly to people at work, going to keep enjoying being myself, and two weeks left baby, two weeks..... whoah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)