A poem.....

This was written for me a little while ago, I still go to it when I need some strength, when I need to feel that things will be ok, no matter where I end up......

We all are here to fly.
To be free to love and find.
Hand in hand.
Ready to jump with this hand.
In a world I do not know.
I don't want to go alone.
Such a beauty I've come across.
strong and wise
with a smile of a angel.
hard not to stair.

Thank you, you know who you are...

Pictures....

.... or the lack thereof

It's a classic stereotype, and a damn true one, the trans girl and the camera. Especially at the CDer stage, or the pre-going out and having a real life as a woman* stage, so many of us feel the need to document almost every single dress up session, every single outfit, from a hundred different angles.

Hey, I'm not judging, I've got a thousand pics on my machine easy..... and a few hundred on my phone. I've probably lost (or flushed) more than I currently have.

I haven't felt the urge to take reams of shots in a few months now. I did take a few while on my trip, but thats been over for a couple months already and barely a shot has been taken since.

I don't check flickr much anymore either, when I first got on that late last year, I was hooked. I'd spend hours looking through it every few nights. But now?, I check it briefly once a week to check for new comments, and that's it.

So.... why?

I've thought about it a while, and I think its simply that: the taking of pictures for me was almost a way to cement each time I dressed in stone, I lived with the assumption that there may not be a next time, that I may never look that good again, so I had to take shot after shot. It was also a way of creating a female life for myself, and sharing those pictures was my way (and I think alot of others') of validating my female existence to myself. Dawn essentially lived in the camera's eye.

But now Dawn lives in the eyes of the people that interact with her, people I know, and people I don't, but they see me..........

ooooooooh, spooky voice

gotten silly, time to go

* I am specifically not including FtM in this simply because I have no idea if you guys do the whole lunatic-with-a-camera thing that us girls do, therefore I didn't want to assume.

Catching up

I really didn't realize it had been this long since I last posted, ah ben*.

It's been a weird, tough, yet not at all as tough as they could have been few weeks. Been out a few times, had a wonderful shopping day with an old girl-friend** who I just only recently came out to and absolutely loved it, and a bombshell dropped between Becca and I.

I don't really see transitioning as an "if" anymore, it's more of a "when".

There, it's out, it's said.

A few tears, on both our parts, quiet-ness, then a surprise...

when Becca gets frustrated at stuff, she tends to get cranky (in an absolutely adorable way, just don't tell her I told you that) and "lashes out" by punching my upper arm. Look, she's a full foot shorter than me, it's nothing to worry about. The thing is, usually the cranky punches come when she is starting to feel better about a situation, has accepted something to a certain degree.... an example would be her giving me cranky punches while saying 'I wont get mad at you for being a dumbass I just have to accept it'.... and then usually the smiles come out and things "get better" between us regarding whatever situation had started this all.

so, yeah, the cranky punches came out. No more big tears, panic attacks (usually on my side for the record), freak outs, and there haven't been since. We're probably not talking as much as we should, but little pieces come out here and there, I think we're finally learning how to talk about serious stuff with each other, without letting it tear us down entirely, by having these little conversation-squirts that we've had a few times this past week.

She also picked up the phone and made some calls to the therapists that my therapist gave her, unfortunately no luck and she got a bit frustrated, but the first step was taken and I'm really happy for that.

So yeah, she didn't pack and leave, so that's good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.......

ciao

* "ah ben" literally translates from French into English as "oh well". I just like it alot better.

** Since in this stupid world women call their female friends their "girlfriends", and people who are romantically involved with women call their female partners their "girlfriends", I've always felt the need to make the distinction between someone who is a female friend, and who is an ex-partner, especially because most people I date, and most people I am friends with, are all women. Therefore, girl-friend, is friend, girlfriend is ex/current partner.

Dysphoria

I hadn't felt that in a while...

I came to realize only afterwards that I hadn't actually gone to a mall in boy mode in a couple of months. With my outings before my trip, then being pretty much fully femme during my trip, then once back here Becca took off for almost a month on a trip with her parents so my outings for shopping then were en femme, the last time I was out like that was probably June or July, wow.

We had to go and get a new phone for Becca, she lost hers unfortunately during her trip, so I dropped her off at one of the local malls and took off to get gas and find parking. Heading back to the mall in the car, I started to feel my anxiety levels rising, no clue why, I just felt really twitchy. Walking up to the mall from the parking spot the feelings got worse, and these are feelings I haven't really felt in a good number of months. I located where I needed to go on the map, and headed off, passing familiar stores, seeing gorgeous pieces here and there, and when I almost wandered into one to try something on it finally clicked, whoah buddy, you're not dressed right for that.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

The things is, the past few weeks while Becca was gone, the whole "gotta do it gotta do it" mindset of transitioning has really subsided. Don't get me wrong, its still there, but it's a dull murmur in my head as opposed to a roar. Since she's come back the thoughts have come back stronger because I feel more male around her, which means I feel more male for a larger percentage of my day, which, well, irks me in some way that only transfolk really get. I did spend the majority of my time en homme while she was gone, I went out en femme a few times, spent an evening / day by myself at home en femme a few times, but I also went out as a guy to visit friends. I didn't feel that same male'ness when I was out at my friends place, they all know about me (or were told that day), and I make no pretense and don't "act" at all, but at the same time I don't have that pressure. I guess I didn't realize I did have that pressure around Becca, after all, I don't "act" around her either, but in retrospect, of course the pressure is there, duh.

So, all that to say, the dysphoria gets worse depending on the situation, but the fact that its there harder because I'm back with Becca now is kind of telling. I've been worried about the possible situation that we split up because I'm going to transition..... and I don't actually end up doing that. Wouldn't surprise me honestly, lol. When I'm single, although its been a long time, these feelings are alot easier to handle, or even push away, but when you are with someone, and they are reacting to you the way they expect you to be (i.e., male, boyfriend, husband) all of the time, that's when the discord raises its ugly head. After all, when you're alone, regardless of how you look or the current configuration of your body, what does being male or female even mean?.

I wonder how many transitioned women can relate to these thoughts, I'm sure alot of middle path'ers can.....

anyhoo, rambling girl out!