Tuesday 31 December 2013

2013.... thank you

It's been one hell of a year, probably the biggest in my 36 years on this little blue marble we all call home.

I've managed to make it through in one piece, but without the people who have supported me, challenged me, loved me, even hated me and forced me to reexamine myself, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've been struggling with some pretty scary thoughts over the past few years, thoughts I don't really want to get into, because I don't want to scare anyone, but suffice it to say, they have passed.

I've fought, cried, lashed out in anger, explored, cried (yes it needs repeating), died time and time again, dreamed, hoped, lost and loved and lost again, plodded through the darkness, and held on to the light.

I've allowed myself to open up, live my truth, be the person I always claimed to be, the person that others have always seen in me yet I never had the courage to believe them.

Once I allowed myself to truly believe, to have faith, not in some mystical sky fairy, but true faith, which can only be in yourself, my life, finally, truly began.

But without all of you, I would still be a shell of a man, a sad and broken creature, you've all made this possible. Yes it was my fight, but no one, no one at all can make it in this crazy life without others, be they strong and true friends, or random strangers who happen to throw a droplet of love your way.

Following is a list, a wall of names, some real, some pseudonyms.

I love you, and thank you all.

Andra, Andre, Audre, Billie, Brynn, Carina, Carlos, Caroline, Cass, Cid, Chuck, Christina, Danny, Davey, David, Dawn, Denyse, Derek, Doanna, Eric, Em, Ejaz, Eve, Francis, Gab, Gabby, Gen, Gianni, Hada, Indy, Jasmine, Jeff, Jem, Jen, Jenn, JJ, Joe, Juli, Laurence, Kahlan, KittyKat, Linda, Lisa, Luis, Marie-Eve, Mark #1, Mark #2, Marty, Masha, Manifesting Magic, Mariusz, May, Michael, Michel, Myron, nameless guitar man, Natalie, Nicole, Nina, Obsidian Kingdom, Open Mind, Patty, Paul, Rachel, Rainbow, Ray, Richard (english version), Richard (french version), Ricky, Robert, Samira, Santosh, Shirley, Stephanie, Sophie #1, Sophie #2, Suhail, Susan, Suzel, The Doctor, Therese, Tina, Twyla, Vincent

as well as every nameless person who treated me well, smiled instead of scorned, accepted, opened their minds and their hearts

and last, but definitely not least, my old family and Becca.....

and... of course..... Phil

I raise a glass to all of you, to the world, and to this devastating, yet wonderful year

Here's to 2014

peace

Dawn




Saturday 21 December 2013

Synchronicity

Life has a way of handing you things when you need them. Life also has a way of handing you shit when you don't need it at all, almost like a temptation to keep fucking yourself over.

In my experience, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, especially the people who are supposed to be safe people for you, the better things become, and suddenly life can start handing you gifts. When you continue to repress who you are, you end up with people around you who aid in that repression, who, while appearing to be your friends, act as barriers towards your evolution.

I had a family for the past ten years that I thought loved me, and in a way they did, but they only loved the person they needed me to be, the angry, sullen, boy. I lied about who I was, which was my fault, but once the veil was lifted they demanded that those lies continue, but I wasn't able to hold them in anymore. They could not accept my happiness, my truth.

For a long time I thought losing them was punishment, but as difficult as it is, and as difficult as it continues to sometimes be (that fucking kitchen window) I have accepted that as much as it hurt and tore at me, it was a blessing. I could not have flourished while under their watchful, demanding, controlling, humiliating, conformist eyes. Even now I know that members in their family lie daily, trying to be OK, trying to show everyone that they are the same as they always were, that they are just the same as the rest, and they suffer for it, and unless they break those chains, they will continue suffering, their lies become them.

But as you become honest with yourself, and you start to show people your truth, life can reward you. You find yourself surrounded by people who encourage you to be you, who refuse to hold you back, and who will listen to your soul crying out in confusion and agony, and not judge you for it. They may not know or understand your specific needs, but they will do whatever they can to hold you through your storm, and try to give you everything they can, and if you start to once again evolve, and change, they will celebrate those changes, and not believe that it has anything to do with them. They will be your roots, your strength as you forge your new path, as you actually, for perhaps the first time ever, begin to live your life for you. Not for your family, or your religion, or your culture, or your boss, or your partner, or your children, but for you. Whoever you happen to be.

I recently got over an addiction that I have been ... enjoying?.... maybe not the right word, but it was fun for a long time.... anyway.... it's one that I have been dealing with for ten years now. In a surge of clarity, a couple of weeks ago now, I was done. Today I sat down to read the lyrics of an album of a group I recently discovered, and found that the words mirrored so many of the struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, including that addiction. It was my story, if I had read this a month ago, it *could* have been my story, but now, it actually is. It was a gift to me, to see my struggles mirrored in another, and from the way that the album culminates, I have hope that the one(s) who wrote this have succeeded as well in their journeys. Discovering this, at this moment, is a gift.

Synchronicity.

I've always loved to write, as I'm sure some readers can tell, yet it has always been a personal thing for me (yes I know blogs are public, but its not like I'm writing a column in the newspaper or anything). I've longed to write for a public audience, but always had fear that I wouldn't be good enough, my words wouldn't be "correct", and out of the blue I meet a man who gives me an opportunity to actually write so that people can read my words, just hands it to me on a silver platter, he wants me to share my views and experiences, and instead of being afraid of not being good enough, or him not liking my writing (even though he said he was blown away by my blog), I grabbed it, and I'm going to keep on it, I'm going to do this. Why did I meet this man now?, what made him contact me out of the blue at this exact time?, I'll never know, but I like to think that it's because I'm at a place where I can actually handle this challenge.

Synchronicity.

At the end of a tough day, which came at the end of a tough week, which came at the end of a tough month or three, when I had finally had enough of feeling that things were against me, I receive a completely random gift in my mailbox. A handwritten, personalized, thank you note, from an up-and-coming group in Europe that I have been following for a number of months now, just to thank me for writing such a glowing review of their work. Such a simple act can make the world a brighter place, can be a light in the darkness for someone. As always, the timing was superb. Another event, a message on a dating site, from someone who lives thousands of miles away, just to say "damn girl, you really seem like you're doing it right and I needed to tell you that, you seem like an awesome person", he would gain nothing from sending this message, and due to our geographical differences it's not like he's going to get a thank-you-screw out of it, but he did it, again, at the right time. A gift, a truly random gift.

Synchronicity.

I've always been a nerd, lets face it, I'm a huge bloody geek (D&D, M:TG, Doctor Who, BUFFY!!!!, Firefly!!!!, video games!, sorry, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings still both suck) and yet I never let that show in me, I kept it hidden from everyone who didn't know me well, and I'd try not to hang around with too many other nerds, I didn't want people seeing that, I didn't want to be judged, or seen as lesser than. I got over myself, and suddenly realized that I reallllllly like nerdy guys, and I'm going to be so proud walking hand in hand with one one day (hopefully soon....). No shame, no guilt, one of the greatest things about us nerds is that the strong ones aren't afraid to be seen different, aren't afraid of being our wonderful nerdy selves. And as luck would have it, I met a couple of them, and they're amazing, and I'm so proud of their nerdyness, and I can't wait to see one in particular again..... If I had met them even six months ago, I would have been afraid to even talk about them, like the person I want to be with isn't good enough in societies eyes, is too different, is too weird, but now?, oh lord do I love their strength, and find it mirrored in myself and I want to soak myself in it.

Synchronicity.

Live life honestly, and only you know if you're actually being honest or not, and yes, being honest with one's self is one of the most difficult things that one person can do, but I promise, if you do, you'll be rewarded, in so many ways. You probably don't even realize what is actually possible, I know I didn't.

Peace

Dawn

Wednesday 11 December 2013

dreams

I dreamed about you last night, first time in a long time that happened.

I was me, not him, and you looked at me.

you saw me, something you haven't done in months.

and I saw you, and you were beautiful as you've always been, and always will be

I got to spend time with my old family, see the children and hold them, watch them play, spend time with my old brother, hold my old sister in my arms, my old parents smiling

as it was a dream, events were muddled, as is standard. I kissed someone, a woman, not you, but a memory of you, an image, an avatar

I got to see you laugh, and smile.... I hope you still do these days.... I hope the days are brighter for you

stuck in memories today, the beach, the white dress, the gatherings, your laugh

sometimes I wish we could go back, even though I know the same thing would happen at one point, I was inevitable.... useless fantasies... grasping at illusions

I long to reach out, but I mustn't

I've been here before, I know what needs to be done, what needs to continue happening.... sometimes though.... I want to break the rules

something I'm quite used to doing.... breaking the rules

I play guitar and think of us, I play our song, no one knows that it is such, but I consider it to be, and I play it well, and remember, and suffer, and try to detach while a part of me still holds on, and wonders

the view from the kitchen window never changes

I need to change the window

I need to leave

I've rebooted in so many ways, but not all

I'll always miss you


Friday 22 November 2013

changes

I was trying to write a title which made people sing that David Bowie song, Changes.... as in... ch ch ch ch chhaaaanges!

anyways...

One question that I get often from interested folks is, quite simply, what are all the changes that your body and personality have gone through since starting hormones?, how long did they take to occur?, when did I start feeling them?

I remember back when I was searching, questioning, and googling obsessively for any information I could find out "teh trans", that stories like this always got my attention, and I would seek them out, always wondering... what if those amazing things that happened to her could also happen to me?, is it common what they are going through?, what are the chances that it could happen to me as well!?

The day I started hormones was pretty intense, not only due to the new drugs in my system, after all, after an hour its not like anything had changed internally, but simply because of the emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time due to my ex's feelings about it all. Even with all of that craziness though, I noticed changes almost immediately. How could you know that the changes were due to the hormones you may ask?. On day one, they were probably psychological, sure...   the calm that I felt in my soul, even with things imploding around me, that couldn't have been a physical reaction to the drugs, it was just my psyche finally relaxing, knowing that the journey has actually started. We almost all experience a new sense of calm from almost the moment that we start.

But the second day, I got home and Becca wasn't there yet, and I actually felt in a pretty good mood, so I went down to play some drums on RockBand. I banged on those damn things for a good hour, demolishing most of my high scores, and I realized only once I was too tired to continue (plus, Becca had gotten home by then), that I had not lost my cool once during the whole session. People who know me know how I can get with video games, especially those that I consider myself damn good at.... I get *mad* when I screw up... or I should say... I used to get mad when I screwed up. But during that whole hour, I didn't curse once, didn't get frustrated and slam the sticks on the pads once, I was calm. Again, hormones?, lack of testosterone?, a mental well being that I hadn't felt in who-knows-how-long?, I'll never really know.

The weird stuff started happening on day 2. I recall noticing that morning in the shower that I didn't have the mess of lost hair that I usually do after washing it, my hair had stopped breaking off... neat. That evening while eating dinner with Becca, I recall munching on my salad marveling at a new and interesting flavour that I had never tasted before.... I commented on it to her, I described the flavour, she looked at me and said "that's arugula... you hate that stuff", but all of a sudden, it was downright yummy. I noticed that weekend that I also found green and red peppers delicious, something I had hated my entire life. I had never heard of hormones changing ones taste buds before, but there you have it!, I even enjoy coriander now believe it or not.

Cooked fish still tastes like shit though.... sorry....

On day 3, I didn't wash, Becca and I spent that whole Saturday talking, crying, pleading, explaining, dealing.... and sometime in the afternoon, in the middle of some discussion, I ran my hands though my hair (as I continuously do) and realized that it wasn't greasy. I realized that I didn't stink (those who knew me in my previous life knew what a greasy mofo I was, ugh), my skin was smooth, my scalp was smooth, my hair was soft, my skin was softer than it had ever been before. This wasn't all in my mind either, Becca agreed once I brought it up and she checked for herself.

People are still shocked at the softness and smoothness of my skin, sure *he* was never rugged, but he never had skin like this either.

The next changes that I realized were again psychological, I could sleep. Life going to hell in a handbasket, but I could sleep. I've ground my teeth twice since I started my transition... and prior to that I'd wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth at least twice a week for most of my life. I could also get up in the morning without fighting my self to do so, the depression was fading (never quite left, but so much more manageable now).

Speaking of sleeping, I do have to get up more often to pee now.... yes, a woman's bladder is smaller than a man's, and that, as with most things, is controlled by hormones. My frakin bladder has shrunk....

It's impossible to say when each step occurred, these things don't just happen overnight, you just notice it at one point. A few weeks in, my chest started to hurt, I'd feel pressure, sensitivity, the feeling of something moving under my nipples, the sensation of things popping and bursting under there. It didn't last long, and it took a few months until things started happening visually, but I felt the work starting very early.

I never noticed my curves changing, but I'm the same weight I was when I started, yet I've gone from an L/XL, size 11 to 13, down to a medium, wearing sizes 7/9. My bust has gone from a 38 to a 36 (bloody godsend that, because 38A doesn't exist!), and I look better in my skinny jeans than I ever have. Weird thing is I have a good friend taking my measurements every couple of months, and the raw numbers have barely changed.... yet I see the changes in my wardrobe.... go figure. Oh, and I look fucking killer in a bikini, so that is pretty awesome.

The next big difference I noticed was strength, and I started being bothered by it after about a month, month and a half. First time I noticed this was getting kitty litter. It's an 18kg box, and I was used to just grabbing it with one hand and lugging it into the house.... but no.... no more of that. I need to stand in front of the damn thing now, use both hands, and lift with my legs to make sure I don't hurt anything.... and I'm in the best shape of my life. Go figure...

At around the 3 or 4 month mark, I recall looking at myself in the mirror and being shocked by the changes. This is around the time I wrote the post saying sorry to the old me. My face has been shifting, almost imperceptibly, but when you look at a picture of the old me with the new me right next to him, it's quite different.... the same.... yet different. It doesn't take much to make a face look different, half a millimeter here, a tiny shift there, and it can soften your entire look. Impossible to say where the changes have occurred, but clear that they have.

At around that time as well my breasts really started to feel pain, as though I had a golf ball under each nipple covered in broken glass. I still sleep on my stomach, but I tuck my arms under me to reduce the pressure on my chest. Now, at eight months in, I have actual little breasts, the feeling, the shape, the way they move slightly out of sync with the rest of my body, the feeling is surreal.

so, what have we covered... hair, smells, tastes, skin, strength, boobs, curves, face..... ok.... just one thing left to discuss.

for those who really don't need to know this.... you can skip the next two paragraphs

to all the rest of you...

For people who have never owned and operated a penis, a little lesson which will assist in illustrating. The damn things really do have a mind of their own, a man really can't control what its going to do as he goes about its day, it will shift, swell, move around (no, not that literally) as the blood rushes in and drains from it a gazillion times a day. I no longer have to deal with any of that, the T blockers have essentially removed its brain (ooh, good analogy, just came up with that). I am now in complete control of it, if I need to use it, I still can, just takes longer, and for someone like me, that's pretty fucking awesome. I don't have to worry about a bulge suddenly occurring under a tight skirt, I can even get away with wearing a bikini bottom with a bit of inventive placement, essentially, I don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore, it's just... there.

Other changes have occurred to it as well, you shrink in size, you can't get 100% hard (maybe around 75 I'd guess at), the "boys" will eventually disappear for the most part as you lose about 50% of size per year, and I'm following what is normal for all of that. The sensitivity I've lost down there, while a touch worrying at first, has been replaced with  an enourmous gain in sensitivity throughout the rest of my body, and once I started to realize that, and start to explore my new system, I found that this way is wwaaaaayyyy better (at least for me!). My whole body has become an erogenous zone, not just the obvious parts, breasts, neck, thighs, but everything... My brain has accepted the nervous rewiring very well, I've found new ways of receiving pleasure, I can have what I consider to be a "female" orgasm now, in that it is my whole body reacting as if its riding a wave, it isn't a kaboom-done cutoff point like ejaculating always was for me as a man (oh, ok, I'm done now, time for a sandwich!). The first man I was with post hormones was sweet enough to hold me as my body shook for (what felt like) twenty minutes after we were together, I had never experienced anything like that before, yet in a way, I had, but from his point of view. I've lay there in bed holding a quivering woman against me as she let her system relax after a mind shattering orgasm... and now it was me in that position.... beautiful, surprising, and amazing.

so... T.M.I.?.... seriously, if you've been reading my words up to this point, you really shouldn't be surprised.

so there you have it, I think I covered it all, probably forgot something as is standard for me, but yup. Only 8 months under my belt, can't wait to see what the next year brings (c'mon B cups!!!!!, w00t!!!)

thanks for listening


Wednesday 20 November 2013

an excercise

I walk into the room as she does. We sit across from each other.

- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?

She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing

- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.

- but still...

- I know... shut up.

She thinks for a while

- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?

We grin

- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....

...

- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....

- yeah, I get it

- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....

...

- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to

- well... what are you alluding to then?

She fidgets again

- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.

- ya don't say

- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.

- oh?

- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....

- held back...

- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk

- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend

- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...

- with?

- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.

- very cool

- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.

- of course

- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on

I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting

- feel better?

- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on

- what's that?

- boobs

- pardon?

- you heard me... boobs!

...

- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.

- ya don't say.....

- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...

- okaaaaay....

- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!

- ok, enough

- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!

we look at each other... laughing

- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks

- anytime

I get up from the mirror

Wednesday 11 September 2013

A bittersweet farewell

I broke up with my therapist today...

yeah it's a happy time, I feel good to go it alone and that's a great thing, but she really became someone special to me so at the same time, it feels like I'm saying goodbye to a close friend.

weird thing is that I don't really know a thing about her, lol, she has that no personal disclosure policy which is cool, but I've often wanted to know her. I never felt that we had a doctor-patient relationship, more like a friend who was helping me figure stuff out on my own like many of my friends now do, and as I've become more open around my friends (also as I've surrounded myself with the right type of people to be open around) the line between her and the rest of my girls started to fade.

as life got better and better, especially over the past few months, going to see her has been less about getting "help", and more about wanting to tell her about all the awesome things that are going on with me.... thing is, I'm paying her a very good rate to do so... heheheh... and money is a little tight these days

two sessions ago, while gushing about all the awesome stuff that had happened to me lately, I looked up at one point, and found her in tears with this big goofy grin from ear to ear

ha!, I feel like I scored a point there, heheheheheh, it was great to see someone who had helped me so frakin much be that touched by my experiences, by my joy

and she knows that she played a huge part in that

a smidgen over a year ago I had my first session, I remember sitting down in tears, a boy, scruffy, and just dumping the last few weeks onto her lap (which happened to be my trip to Victoria, the aftermath, Becca leaving on vacation for a month, heavy stuff) before she even got a chance to introduce herself....

those that know me, know that I can talk non stop if the need hits me

I remember walking out of there, face soaked in tears, feeling good, feeling hopeful.

even though I expected, and kind of wanted, to have a therapist who would analyze me, try to crack me open, someone aggressive (as my therapy style happens to be, and it works for me), she didn't have that approach. She let me talk, and babble, and more often than not, I would find my own conclusions, she was my sounding board, and my mirror, and occasionally a guide through my own disconnected babbling. Her strength, with me at least, was seeing the voids in my story, showing me the one thing that I knew, but hadn't realized that I had known, the knowledge that I was dancing around, the knowledge that once I would see I could never un-see so my mind would ignore it, keeping itself safe....

that may be confusing.... I'll illustrate with one sledgehammer that she hit me with

this was pre-final-acceptance-that-I-was-trans, I remember being depressed, miserable about what I was, these life altering choices before me. I played a mental game with myself. I pictured myself as an old man, still a crossdresser, putting on his wig, doing his makeup, the fake boobs and butt pads, and I remember my stomach twisting, the thought literally gave me pain. I then thought of myself as an old trans woman, little saggy boobs in my little bra, old soft face, pulling on those granny panties and maybe still shaving some stubborn stubble on my chin every morning, and still slapping on those estrogen patches twice a week.... and I smiled, and while it was scary at the time, the pain in my stomach relaxed***

I was about to launch into another tangential story and a little twist of a smile appeared on the corner of her mouth.... she paused me with a look

"so, no matter what, Dawn is still going to be a part of your life right?..... you never pictured yourself as just a guy in the end"

it hit me like a ton of bricks.... at that time I was still trying to really accept that I was trans -vs- just cuckoo... and that was a big first step in making the final choice that I did

but like I said, lately, sure we talk about tough stuff, but by the time I get to see her, I've already talked about that tough stuff with my girls and probably with Chuck as well, dealt with it, and have moved on, so to her I'm giving her a report in a sense.... don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing it, and I am really sad that I'm not going to be able to do it anymore... but it's like, I love that she is proud of me, cause I know she is, I think overall, my story is a big fucking success

I hope she's proud of herself as well.... if not..... BE PROUD DAMMIT!

the way it works up here, and for all I know, everywhere, is that a therapist can't see a client outside of a professional setting for 2 years since the last actual session. I understand the need for the rule, and how it has to be sacrosanct (love that word), but well, it still kinda sucks, cause I would love to share a bottle of wine, chat, listen to some music, and teach her how to hoop in the park.... I know the girls would love her

and I also feel that she is on a similar journey to mine, to the journeys that we are all on, the people close to me, the seekers. Something I've found in all of us in the group, some more than others, we are all happy, but unsatisfied, we are searching for something, exploring life still, we aren't sitting on the couch letting life go by

and it would be cool to share that journey, like I said before, I don't actually know a thing about her, but I've learned from her eyes, her little reactions, her body speaks volumes even as she tries to keep herself under control, and there is a kindred spirit in there.... and I really hope I'm wrong.... but I have this feeling that she doesn't have that many safe people close to her.... I'll let her analyze that, hehe

all that roundabout stuff to say

thank you doc, thank you so much for allowing me to find myself, for forcing me to do the one thing I was always too terrified to do, the one thing I always wanted someone else to do for me

make a choice

and I did

and I fucking won

love you girl, see you in 2 years, in my park, under my damn tree :D

hugs

***: notice what I did, completely subconsciously in that story... when I was describing the possible male future, I said "him", when I was describing the possible female future, I said "my"..... this is what I mean by over analyzing, heheheheheh

Friday 30 August 2013

over

So, I got divorced today...

It was cold, sterile, the waiting room where I went over what was going to be said, the building itself, cold, heartless.

We went through the ritual, stating our identities, why we were here

what she wanted

it didn't take very long in all honesty, a few questions, a few words from Becca explaining why this needed to end

I don't need to write down the words, I'll remember them, how she looked

Plus, that isn't for the public

she went through another great loss just yesterday, and it put things in perspective for me a bit. She is going through so much more than I am right now, this whole thing, it weighs heavier on her. I kept myself calm and soft today, not cold and emotionless, I don't think I would have been able to pull that off, but just tried to keep calm without being happy, you know what I mean.

so I cried on the way home afterwards after I remembered what she looked like on our wedding day.

a girlfriend of mine came with me today, spent the night with me last night, just to be there, she made it bearable. I would have driven myself insane last night if I had stayed alone, probably not even made it in in time.

she has never met Becca, and didn't get to see what she looked like today either, so I was describing her, and that got me thinking, and tearing up, fuck it, I'm allowed to be sad as well

so yeah, my relationship with my ex wife was officially dissolved by a Canadian court of law, that's fucked up, what do they have to do with anything?

I guess I'm still angry a bit

a door closes

take care of yourself Rebecca

love you

Monday 26 August 2013

the D word

when I tell people I'm going to be divorced by the end of the week, a lot of them, over half, are happy and congratulatory, some have tried to high five me

and for whatever reason, it stings, it really hurts

yes it has to happen, I guess the earlier the better in some ways, not like there was any hope of reconciliation, and even if there was, I don't want us back, I know it wouldn't work, the people that fell in love with each other no longer exist.... on my side literally

but it makes me sad, really sad, this among other things has kept me holding back tears the past couple of days

no one gets married to get divorced....

Becca and I haven't spoken since the house inspection a few months back now, haven't seen each other. No news, no idea

I do hope she's doing OK

and growing

I've come a long way, and I am doing good, and I have wonderful people around me, supporting me

I was asked today if I was feeling lonely and unloved..... despite the glaring evidence to the contrary.... hehehe.... it's true, I've never had this many open, and positive people around me before in my life

while I've been lucky enough to have all these awesome experiences, it's also been keeping me quite distracted... maybe I haven't dealt with all my loss fully yet

I got married just three short years ago, a beautiful day in all respects, full of hope

and in four short days it'll be officially over, even though its been over for some time now

but there is something final about being in a court isn't there?

I'm not looking forward to this




Saturday 24 August 2013

words have power















what
do
you
want
?















.

Stitches of Time

all paraphrasing of course, unless I'm not, but it's not important, what is key is the message within. These are all blessings that I've been given this year, maybe to me, maybe I've been given the gift to say them, maybe I simply heard them

"I've never experienced anything like this my entire life, and you've all been part of it, thank you"

"my god you're beautiful"

"you know, ever since the festival, actually, ever since I've met all of you, I just feel so much more positive about ... well ... about everything actually"

"you've been Dawn for months now regardless of what you've been wearing. Superman is still superman even when he's not wearing his cape"

"tonight, this weekend, I met the real you, I'm looking at her right now"

"don't give up, you can have the life you want, I don't want to see you married, fat and unhappy, haven given up. That's not for you, promise me that"

"just live, just be"

"I remember looking at the two of you this morning, him with his coffee and wild beard, you in your bikini top, taping hoops, at your home, after we all just had such a beautiful experience together the night before, and I ask myself, is this even real?, do these beautiful people that I've just met but feel so close to, are they real?, do they actually exist?, can people live this way?. When I'm at work, and I think about my new life, it's as if its happening to someone else, it's so beautiful that it can't be real..... can it?"

"you're so calm now"

"take my hand... breathe.... it'll be ok"

"I've been watching you these past couple of days, and I just needed to say... thank you... my god thank you.... you are so comfortable in your own skin, you have such a beautiful energy coming from you, just the way that you dance makes people around you smile.... thank you for being here and giving yourself to us"

"there is something about you, I've always had this easy connection to you and felt safe, and I want to share with you, but I'm scared.... "

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul"

"This is Dawn, I just met her a few hours ago, but we shared something beautiful and magical together"

"I was thinking the other day about all the people who have newly come into my life, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really happy to know you. I'm not often on fb, but seeing you here makes me smile. Thanks for your positive energy!"

"You, this, all of it, are Montreal for me, and I'll be back"

"You are so comfortable in your own skin, that everyone around you has no choice but to be comfortable as well"

"... you should talk and share yourself, you have a gift...."

"You guys go ahead, I'm good here"

"I had such a beautiful day, that it couldn't get any better, until it did"

"I normally find it so hard to talk about this stuff....but with you... it's so easy, I want to share, and it feels so good"

"I've missed holding you"

"Welcome to the tribe"

"You're without a doubt the most interesting person I've met here, I keep looking out for you wanting to chat some more"

"thank you for our challenges, thank you for all the difficult choices we've had to make and all the obstacles that we've had to overcome, thank you for making us who we are"

"it's all about sharing, giving, and love"

"four days later, I met you all, or re-met you as the case happens to be. And somehow, you all became my new family, just as I lost my old one"...... "oh wow, thank you, I feel really close to you as well"

"I'm so glad you came over, I saw you hug everyone else and I was all.... aww.... I want a hug as well"

"One day you'll meet this awesome kid half your age, just out there in the world for the first real time, exploring, and you'll take care of them a bit, and spend time with them, and you're going to find that you get even more out of the meeting than they do. That's all I want, keep yourself open to that in your future, and pay it forward. You're an amazing person"

"Thank you for sharing so much of your time with me while you were here, I think we're going to remember each other for as long as we live even if we never get to see each other again"

"Thank you for being a part of my life"

"You're.... you're... just Dawn"

Saturday 10 August 2013

Loss

Loss can be debilitating, I think most of us know that, and we hide from this potential pain so much that too often, we end up losing everything else around us without even realizing it

think of all of the couples that you know, the ones you know well. How many are truly happy?, the majority?, the minority?.... why do people stay together for so long when they know that they aren't happy, that they aren't right for each other?

why does it seem that for so many people, the ending of a relationship seems to invalidate the entire relationship itself.... as though.... if it doesn't have a happily ever after ending, the entire story was a lie

why can't people allow these relationships to die, naturally, and simply move on, accept that they aren't the same person they were when it all started and instead of judging that, embrace it, and see what else life has to offer.

I've reflected on how I've felt over the past four+ months, yes I've shed my tears, and expressed my rage, but all in all, I've been able to keep my eyes looking forward for the vast majority of the time, and a smile on my face and in my heart. Not something that was easy for me to do in past separations, past ... endings. I held on for too long, that is certain, and it was out of fear of loss, not just of her, but of the entire family, which, in the end, I did lose

but that's OK

I learned some positive things, and I learned some negative things which I now know to avoid in the future instead of embracing, and the fact that I am now moving on is good, I was stagnating there, I had no room to grow, and while the claustrophobia was comfortable, I was never honest within it, I knew it wasn't for me.

like so many of us know that the worlds we embed ourselves into are not really what we want, what we've always dreamed of

and there is nothing wrong with dreaming.....

so many of us dream that common dream, the home, the family, the kids and white picket fence, isolated and safe.... it's the story that has been broadcast into our consciousnesses since we were tiny and sucking on the disney teat.

it's a story I myself wanted for so long, even as a young teen those thoughts were strong in my head... wife.... kids... give them a life that I didn't have... give them love and care, the stuff that I had missed growing up... and that dream kept a hold of me stronger and stronger as my trans-ness reared its head

and I held on to it, to the point of getting married, and at one point, I realized that I only thought I wanted that dream.... the dream was a promise... just like the beer commercials promise you that if you get hammered on their stuff, you'll end up with Playboy models.... it was a promise of happiness, of no longer needing to fight and try and work at being happy

I had drank the kool-aid

how many of you are chasing a false dream....chasing a lie

living a lie

scared of losing the security and peace that you have.... convincing yourself its OK... it's not that bad... so many have it far worse

scared of loss..... scared of being wrong

here is something that may make you feel better, you weren't wrong, for you, at that point, you were right, but maybe since then you've lost sight of who you are, or more specifically, who you are now. You aren't the same person you were before, and that's a wonderful thing, and if its time for you to move on, look back in happiness, realize that not everything was bad, hold onto that, and forge a new path

loss can be debilitating.... but if its gotten to the point where losing something is debilitating.... then maybe you're holding onto that something a little too strongly, and maybe you should be looking for strength from within




Being Visible

I touched upon this in a tangential way on my last post, but another thing that has been on my mind a lot, and also made an impact on my time at this (and the first) festival.

being visibly trans

especially when you're camping in the woods and don't really get to look your best... i.e.


I mentioned in the previous post how a stranger randomly came up to me to tell me that I was beautiful and an inspiration, which is a pretty amazing thing to happen to anyone, but for me lately, it seems to happen a lot....

each time I danced at the circle, I would usually dance with my eyes closed and only open them from time to time. I enjoy feeling the music instead of watching it, yet, I do love to look at the people around me, all of them writhing in their own worlds, enjoying their own experiences. It seemed that at least half the time when I open my eyes to see, I would find other eyes upon me, not just glances, and not anything as rude as stares, but beautiful, happy, smiling faces, watching me in my dance, when our eyes would lock, the smile would get larger and brighter, and our eyes thanked each other

One evening while dancing, a woman I had never seen before appeared before me and told me that she had been watching me, and she simply needed to thank me for being so comfortable in my own skin, for dancing with such abandon and joy, and just for being who I am. That is a pretty amazing thing to be told

people remember you when you're the only visible trans person out there in this community (or at least, the only one that I've seen!). As it turns out, LOTS of people noticed me at the first festival, and when they recognized me, oh the smiles that I received, so beautiful, and those who hadn't seen me before, yes, the first time we lock eyes (I look everyone in the eyes) the eyebrow does occasionally raise as they "figure it out", but the smiles are always soon to follow, and each time we cross paths, the smile is there even before I've seen them

and it's not really because I'm trans, or lucky enough to be pretty while still being visible, it's because the way I now feel about myself shines through no matter what. As one of the prayers around the campfire said, "I'm learning to fall in love with myself". When that line was first spoken, I bristled at it, thinking it selfish and a strange thing to say in that type of environment.... but it's true.... if we can't love ourselves.... we can't truly love others or share that love. We can't bring people up if we aren't already there, and that starts with love and acceptance, of all ones warts as well as ones blessings.

I'm not the only one to be thanked like this at these types of events, or to have these experiences, so please don't think "well I wouldn't be treated that way....".... being visibly different just brings those eyes to you quicker, but when you really do feel that smile inside you, which is there because you truly do love yourself, then no one will be able to ignore it, and you'll see that beautiful things and experiences suddenly start finding you

look someone in the eyes, and smile, and see what happens.... I dare you

Life and Song

A decent amount of time has passed since I last sat down to write. Thoughts and ideas have been bouncing around in the grey matter for a while now, I just haven't had that urge, that need, to get it out on (virtual) paper.

Even now, the urge isn't like it was a few months ago. Life is resuming, a new and beautiful routine is setting in, I have lots of time for myself, and even more time for those who I am currently sharing my life with. Being alone used to terrify me, unnerve me, but now, except for very rare occasions, I relish my own time. Don't get me wrong, I've always liked having time to myself, but only when I knew there was someone special in the next room, or at the end of a phone line, who was thinking of me and would be there for me if I needed, so in those times, I was never truly alone.

But now?, it's actually quite satisfying.... I've been "single" for over 4 months now, and this is when I would always start freaking out.... ohmygodI'malonewhatthefuckdoIdoohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!!.... but this time it suits me just fine. And that's a pretty cool feeling, to be content with one's self, hopefully readers know what that feels like.

I attended another festival last week, called Open Mind, and like the last one, the name was fairly accurate. At Manifesting Magic, I found confidence, I found strength, I hooped and danced with no shame nor worry at how crappy I actually was at that point with my circles, I spread smiles and love, and found them all reflected back at me. For the first time I had truly felt the magic of being surrounded by love, by smiles, by joy. 

I went to Open Mind expecting more of the same, to play, to dance, to love, and while all of these things happened, and yes they were beautiful, they weren't what made this experience special. 

It was Sunday afternoon, I hadn't really been feeling the vibe yet since we had arrived at the festival, the weather was shit, we were having a hard time keeping track of people, I felt like we had spent too much running around looking for stuff. I took a step back from everyone, and went off on my own, took my own trip. After spending some time meditating around the sacred fire, I returned to camp to prepare for the next few hours, put on some warmer clothes, and there I met our two new room-mates, two lovely girls who we invited into our tent as theirs had fallen apart, and after a few minutes we set off again. 

There was a bonfire burning close to our camp, and we took a moment there to warm ourselves. There was a young man with an acoustic guitar sitting on a log, playing, and a beautiful girl next to him adding her voice to his notes. No words were used, no recognizable song was being played, just music, raw, true, plucked out of the air.

The three of us sat, and listened. The guitarist raised his head, and parting his lips, let out a haunting keening wail, following her somewhat, but it was his own song, as hers was her own song as well. At times they met, others they separated, one occasionally shifting to harmonize with the other. We all sat...... listened.

My two new friends decided to move along, and true to the spirit of the day, I let them go and remained there, surrounded by smiling faces, but still alone.

The singer stood and took her leave, while the guitarist struck up another tune and hummed to himself. The rest of the sitters breaking out into quiet conversation.

Behind my left shoulder, between the guitarist and me, a beautiful voice broke out and took my breath away. He smiled, looked over his shoulder at our new addition, and added his own voice to hers.

I found myself humming, finding my own place between their twisting chorals. My mouth opened from time to time and my voice was heard as well, and maybe it took a minute, or maybe it took an hour, time truly had stopped around that circle, but before I knew it, I was raising my voice, widening my mouth, letting it out, singing like I've never sung before.

As I let myself flow into the music I realized that as I changed my rhythm, sometimes others would follow, I led them, and I let myself be led by the others. At times I dropped into my low male register, something that has terrified me to do ever since transitioning, and I would let the angel to my left bring her voice up keening into the heavens, then she would give me my place and my voice would shift and cry out.

It was beautiful

A drummer joined us, people came and went, adding their song to ours. A beat-boxer decided to kick things up a bit, so our music shifted, bounced, we sang with stars in our eyes, looking at each other, laughing together, sharing something that may only come along once in a lifetime.

We missed the ceremonies that night entirely, we didn't need them, we created our own, more magical than any planned ceremony could be.

The storm hit again, and five of us, the angel, the player, the drummer, myself and another singer ran to the tent, where we laughed, talked briefly about the beauty of what we were creating, then simply continued. 

All in all I think we sang for close to four hours, but as all things must, at one point, it ended. We hugged, we thanked each other, we shared our love, and we took our separate ways after the angel and I said we would meet at the sacred fire.

I returned to the fire and found her already there, usually this is a silent place, but tonight wild animistic prayers were being sung, and the angel was leading them. She spoke briefly of our meeting to the circle, and of the magic we had just shared, and then this circle sang. It was beautiful, but different, as the songs had words and were known, were structured, but unfortunately I didn't know them, and after my back suddenly informed me that I had been sitting on a rock for the past five hours, I took my leave.

And again, was immediately rewarded by running into a friend I hadn't seen all day (one person out of ~1200 people there), and we were able to share our experiences with each other, another blessing.

I continued to the stone circle, the ceremony had long since ended and now was the time for celebration and dance. Not one minute into finding my dance, a hand falls on my shoulder and it is one of our new room-mates, out of everyone there dancing, I stand next to one of the only people I know. We embrace, smile, return to our dance, and right then, off to the edge of the circle, another friend I haven't seen for hours, standing there, smiling and waving at me. Another blessing.

I go see her, and find even more people, all gifts. We share our evenings with each other, enjoying the looks of joy on each others' faces.

I return to the dance floor, and a young stranger comes up to me, and tells me that she has seen me at both festivals now and has always wanted to tell me how beautiful she finds me to be, and how inspired she is by me simply being me. Her friend agrees, we embrace, and they disappear into the night. 

I dance

When my legs had had enough, dancing in rubber boots is one hell of a workout, I reflected on my evening and all the blessings I had received, and decided that it was a pretty good time to call it a night. I thanked the stage, the dancers, the energy, and took my leave.

But as I'm walking down the hill towards our camp area, I hear something familiar, a guitar style that I know, a wailing voice, a high angelic one, a drum. My pace quickens, a smile breaks across my face, there are two people standing at the entrance to the massive tent where they are, watching, listening. I slip between them already in song, already in dance. The guitarist sees me and his voice hits a stunning peak as he welcomes me. My own voice crashing through the heavens, no more fear, no more doubt in myself. We harmonize together, we dance around each other, and we create some of the most beautiful sounds that this world has ever heard.

When it ends, we hold each other tight as a group, then each of us takes time to hold each other individually. We comment on how nothing like this has ever happened, to any of us, in any of our lives (only then do I realize that the angelic voice actually comes from another new singer) and we enjoy each others company for a short while. 

and then it ends

the next day, there was singers and players around the campfire, but my guitarist was nowhere to be seen. I did find the angel, and another singer, and we did sing a bit, but the magic wasn't there, I think it's because I was looking for it, instead of letting it find me, but that's ok, it was still meaningful 

I will never forget that day, and what we shared

the crazy thing?..... I only even know what two of them look like, this all happened at night. I remember two of their names, have found the angel on FB thankfully, but the rest are these dark shadows in my mind with a specific voice (or drum), and shape, but no face, no name

and that's kind of beautiful


Monday 15 July 2013

She

She stands in the sun.

Only her back is visible, she looks away, looking ahead, looking somewhere. Her skin is tanned, her back crossed by only a black bikini strap, the ends hanging loose. Long brown skirt hanging from her waist.

In her left hand, hanging lightly, a yellow and black circle. Her skirts run into the river in which she is standing, pulling slightly ahead with the current. Fish sparkle, the river runs into the distance.

The sun is above her and to the right, and it is fierce!

It burns away the storm clouds, above her and to the left, they flee. Black and red and silver, roiling, lightning still cracks inside, but they are receding.

To her left, trees, dark and deep to the edge of the frame, yet as they get closer to the river, they brighten and stand taller and stronger. A green hill peeks from behind the trees and runs into the river.

On the hill... things... memories

a diamond

a human heart, in a pool of its own blood

The trees run down into deep dark earth, almost black. Healthy earth, but other than the trees, nothing can grow there anymore.

To the right of her, on the other side of the river, there is nothing but green. An open field, or perhaps a pristine park. What it is doesn't matter, except that it is empty, pure, and clean. Waiting to feel life, the dance, the roll of bodies, tears shed in love, and tears shed in pain. Waiting for her to make it her own, to forge her path, to take her place.

But what is this?

peering deeper into the scene, looking closely at the whorls of the clouds, the bark of the trees, the rocks strewn about the ground, we see hidden markings

Everyone that comes into our life has the chance of making a difference in us, and there is the same chance that we will make a difference in them, and in the end, who we are, who any of us are, are a sum of all those encounters, all those relationships, whether they lasted a day, month, year or lifetime. Whether they brought us pain or love, joy or sorry, they changed us, they affected us.

She stands there in the water, and the spirits of the past, those who have shaped her, or challenged her so she was forced to shape herself, these spirits return and hide within the painting. The storm cloud holds her challenge, her pain. The earth hides the past loves, those that helped her grow, and shared her life with her for a long while before going along their own ways. These spirits keep the earth healthy and full, but grass doesn't grow there, nothing is left there. The trees, in their strength lie the spirits that taught her to love herself, that validated her and gave her courage and true acceptance, that showed her what it was to be loved for who she was. The final spirits reside in the water, at her feet, their job is almost done. They have carried her all the way down the river so far, holding her as she stumbled and cried, keeping her fierce when she needed to survive.

She looks down the river

if we could see her face, I think we'd see that she was smiling, her eyes would be wet and there would still be a tear or two on her cheek, but the smile on her face, oh, it would be radiant




Wednesday 3 July 2013

Two down, rest of my life to go

I'm going to start this entry with my new favorite picture:


Isn't it freakin awesome!!!!!, and thankfully, this happens to be the picture on my new work pass, Dawn's new work pass :D.

Two days now down, and so far so good. Overall the reaction is very positive, lots of smiles, congratulations, and compliments on my look and my fashion sense. Some of those that seemed a bit uncomfortable at my androgynous look that I've been doing for the past month and a half have switched to happy smiles, the others, well, they still kind of ignore me or look somewhat unsure or uncertain, but that's OK. The ones that count support me fully, and the ones that don't support me fully don't count :)

I even walked through the big cafeteria today, which for those of you not familiar with my work environment, feeds a company of ~2500 employees, and our little ~250 person outfit shares the building with them. I often go to the caf to get my lunch, and I had noticed over the past while that my andro look had really turned heads. Either I was dreaming today, or I blend so much better now. Eyes passed over me without noticing anything, I didn't feel that I turned as many heads, and all in all, after the usual first 3 seconds of fear, I felt great.

No bathroom issues yet, I know there are some women uncomfortable sharing with me, oh well, they get to walk to the other side of the building then. If they want to be childish about this, they can take their own steps to avoid it all. I won't.

and I guess that's about it... life feels good. I enjoy making myself up in the morning, choosing an outfit. I love that I don't have to hide myself, and I can walk with my head held high and my shoulders back, filled with pride at what I've accomplished, feeling sorry for those who actually let themselves be affected by someone else's happiness. I feel free, I feel loved and full of love, and I can sleep at night without pills, or without staying up so late my legs refuse to keep me up, and that is truly wonderful.

so yeah, two days down, rest of my life to go.... can't wait

Thursday 27 June 2013

I'm sorry

It's been a very emotional week or so, not entirely sure when it started, but it crept up on me. I only noticed when I look back that I've shed tears almost each day. Most of the time I'm proud to admit, they are tears of happiness. I look back over my past, the struggles I've faced to get to where I am, and I find myself laughing and crying at the same time, and for those of you who have never done that, I have to say, it's a pretty amazing feeling.... one I've only really felt a couple of times before.... my wedding day... witnessing the birth of my god son.... but lately the happy-tears are entirely for me.

but sometimes the tears aren't happy... I still feel racked with guilt at times, like I need to apologize to someone for where I am now, for what I've gone through. You may say well, it's obvious, you feel guilt over Becca losing her husband... but no... I'm done with that guilt, I felt it for years, even before my transition, and I've said what I needed to say regarding that. Could it be that my father never wants to speak to me again?, hah, no, fuck him, he hadn't been a father to me since I was in my early teens and I made my peace with that a long time ago.

but today I figured it out

and I cried harder and longer than I have in many weeks, and I think something released. I still have more to deal with with respect to this person, but I finally know who the person is that I have wronged for so long, harmed, tortured, repressed.....

I was looking at my makeup-free face in the mirror this morning, marveling at the changes that have already taken place in my face. My jaw has softened, the lack of beard shadow makes an enormous difference, but I noticed today my cheeks are just a touch fuller (and I'm damn skinny right now), the muscles on my neck have shrunken and my neck looks longer and more slender. My hair is fuller than it has been in quite a while, and it too affects the curves of my face.

I opened up my wallet and pulled out my Medicare* card, the photo on it was taken in Nov 2008. I recall leaving work at lunch and waiting way too long in line to renew my card, and I wasn't feeling very great, so I looked kinda cranky and grumpy.

I hold the card up next to my mirror and flick my eyes back and forth between the two people in front of me. I look at the sparkle in my eyes, the little twists of happiness at the corners (I'm going to get crow's feet very quickly, and I'm so looking forward to it). I look at him in his picture, his eyes are dead. Fine, he was cranky and under the weather, but there was nothing in those eyes, just sadness, loss, regret.

If I didn't have Becca to keep me going those days, I don't know where I would have ended up.

The tears flood my eyes

I hold his face close to mine.... I realize he is gone... and not just recently departed... he's been gone for a while.

I say good bye, and I cry, but it doesn't feel right. This isn't new, and he isn't entirely gone, he is still me, inside, I'm still the same cocky bitch that I've always been, so I know the tears aren't because I'm saying good bye to him

so I put my thumb on his cheek.... and I stroke it... and I say what I've needed to say for so long.....

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, all the years of pain, of shame, of doubt, of hate, of rage. I'm sorry for forcing you to carry me hidden your entire life, killing yourself slowly to give me my shell to hide in. I'm sorry you never entirely existed, and that I made you even hate your own name ever since you were small. And I'm sorry that even with all of that, that you have to go away in order to give birth to me, but you made me who I am today, and I'm beautiful

I'm sorry Philippe... good bye... and thank you so much.... I love you



*: government issued medical health insurance card

Sunday 23 June 2013

Full time....

it's indescribable

I haven't technically become Dawn yet at work, and I guess that's when being full time is really going to matter.... and outside of work, I've been myself for a couple of months now. At work, the past three weeks I've been dressing full femme, tight scoop neck t-shirts, ballet flats, my face is changing and softening and my chest is noticeable under my tight tops. Oh hell, here, check it out, Phil's last picture ever


Not too manly eh?

A few hours after that picture was taken, a great friend of mine went with me to get my hair done for the first time, and I mean really done. Dyed, set, styled, and after an hour and a half I had this


Color doesn't come out too well in that shot and it had flattened from eating outside for 2 hours, but I'm almost blonde, and it's a super cute soft bob cut, and I absolutely LOVE it!. 

So yeah, like I was saying, aside from the hair which is a pretty permanent change (I'll never be able to pretend that I'm a boy again with that), things are technically the same as they were last week, I'm Dawn while not at work. Yet I feel so different, I feel so free now. I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, and while I see those male features that haven't yet been softened by some powder, I see her and only her. Last week I still saw him mixed with her. Now it's only her, and the hard features that she has don't mean that she is a man, just that she is a woman with some harder features, and unfortunately thin hair in front, nothing more, nothing less. And I know that my features will soften even more, just look at the picture up on top, for those of you who knew the old me, that is not his face, no, not at all.

I still occasionally feel like I'm in a dream, like I'm going to wake up and realize that the whole world has been laughing at me behind my back the whole time, that of course I'm going to be thrown out of the company when dare to walk in dressed like a woman.... but thankfully.... those feelings are getting fewer and further in between. 

I think of all the people that have come into my life in the past couple of months, all the wonderful energy that they have shared with me and I with them. The healing and growing that we have all done just by knowing each other and sharing our lives, dreams, fears, pasts, regrets and love. 

I have received the most wonderful compliments that anyone can receive from so many people lately. People see in me now, completely on their own, what I've always wanted to be, hoped that I was, thought I was but it was always so hidden by the anger and shame and rage and blame. But now, people thank me for simply having known me, or met me, or that I allowed them to find out more about my experiences and who I am... I mean... holy crap.... how can a girl not feel like a million bucks with all of this going on.

More pictures surfaced today from the festival that I attended a couple weeks back, oh my lord, hahahahah, what an interesting androgynous critter I must have looked like while there. The last day, I had more feminine cues like a bloody bikini top and big skirt, but Saturday as it seems, I looked like a ... hell .... I don't even know .... all I know is when I look at this picture and remember how I felt when I opened my eyes and saw the photographer right in front of me ....



is that I felt wonderful, and beautiful, and free, and so incredibly happy... and when I look at that picture, I can still feel all of it, it still hasn't left me, and I can't see why it ever would now, what reason would there be to let go of that love?

as I've talked about all of my adventures lately, I've had a few people say "wow, it sounds like you're acting like a teenager again"... but they always say it as if there is something wrong with that... what's up with that?

think back to when you were a child, and the wonder and magic that everything in the world brought to you. A caterpillar could mesmerize you for hours, you would wonder what it would feel like to be one, to see the world from such a tiny place.... and now we just step on them

think back to the freedom of being a teenager, all the possibilities ahead of us, all the dreams we had and all the things we believed in to the death.

why is it seen as a good thing to have lost that love of magic, that passion for life and exploration, why do we think that growing up entails living less?.

at the festival there were families, and not just one or two, quite a few. Children ran around playing, laughing and loving like everyone else. Their parents danced and laughed and sang and loved. The children were taken care of, safe, watched over by hundreds of careful eyes, and they got to see adults of all types, ages, races, cultures, subcultures, sizes, genders, all together, all loving each other, all playing together, no one hurting each other, no one angry, or fearful, or shameful. Just life, humans being together.

why is this feared?

why do we say.... "oh, I'm too old for that".... and before you reply "well, I AM too old for that".... I used to say that as well, and now look.... your excuse is rendered invalid

anyway... back to the subject at hand. I'm full time, the first announcement has gone out in the local newspaper: 


and life is good

not easy, somewhat scary, I still have some tough days ahead of me (first day of work, first business trip, first confrontation with a real fuckin phobic asshole where I may have to make some decisions I'd rather not, first real date as a trans woman, etc etc etc) but everyone has it tough, I'm no different than anyone else, we all have things which are simple in life, and things which hold us back and challenge us continuously. Part of being human

so even with all of that

life is beautiful

love you all

Monday 17 June 2013

work work work... all night long... work work work while I sing this song

Today was Phil's last Monday
tomorrow will be his last Tuesday
the day after will be his last Wednesday
and so on

we're pretty much there, the finish line is a short 15 days away... well, technically I'll be full time this Friday at the end of the work day, but it really makes a difference on the day after Canada day (July 2nd for you non Canucks) when Dawn walks in

so far the reaction has been quite positive. I've talked to most people that matter on my day to day life, fielded the same couple questions fifty times (lol), and the rest of the company has had it confirmed by someone by now. A number of people use my new name and pronouns already, everything is lined up at work w/r to my login, email address, security badge, etc, and most of them are all really looking forward to seeing the new me

and what the hell am I gonna wear?!?!?!?!?!?!

As life goes though, I've heard through the grapevine that there are a small number of people who have a real problem with this... calling me "it"... saying that if they walk into the bathroom and I'm there that they're walking out.... won't share an elevator with me... won't want to work with me. Pretty shitty stuff, but I remind myself that there are still people out there who don't want to work with women, with black people, with muslims... there are assholes of all stripes and shades out there, and you can never win them all.

On the good side, from what I understand, the complainers are being told by their friends to cut that shit out cause it's discrimination pure and simple, and they're right, it is. If this stays completely out of my earshot, and doesn't affect my work, well, then I think you can be as phobic and discriminatory as you want as it doesn't affect me... your right to swing your arm stops when it hits my nose. But of course, if it happens in front of me, we're going to have a problem.

You want an easy rule of thumb?, take that comment you heard, or were about to say, about a trans a person and ask yourself, how would it sound if it were directed at a specific racial group?, or a specific cultural group?. If your answer is "well, of course I would't accept / say that!", then chances are, its transphobic when directed at a trans person.

And some people may say "but, that's not the same thing, you're choosing to become a woman", and while that is technically true, I'm no more choosing to be a woman than a gay man is choosing to be gay, or a straight woman is making a conscious choice to be straight. I choose to live my life, and change my body with hormones to match what I feel, just like a gay man loves another man because that is what he feels, and a straight woman loves a man because that is what she feels.

I would in fact say that sexuality and identity super-cedes race and culture, and we all know that we shouldn't judge / joke / assume about each other's races or cultures don't we?. We all know that on a chromosomal level there is no such thing as race, it's nothing more than different physical traits passed down throughout the history of time from different stripes of human beings. Culture is completely man made and thereby is not natural or inborn, and religion is simply an aspect of culture. Out of all these things, your sexuality and your gender identity is something you are born with, the rest, you are born into.

So yeah, all that to say, things are pretty good. While I have my five minutes of panic every day or two about what I'm about to do (oh my god I'm really going to walk into a meeting in makeup and jewelry and my bra and oh my god wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf everyone is gonna look and no one is gonna take me seriously PANIC PANIC PANIC EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!!!!!!)

then I realize I'm getting silly, and I think about all the challenges I've already surpassed, and how life just keeps getting better after each one, and I know I'll make it through this one.

but seriously... what the hell am I going to wear?!!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!??!?!


New Beginnings....

When I lost Becca, a ton of people, many of whom considered me family for years longer than I even knew her, turned their backs on me completely.

I lost a family.
I lose a friend who was the person I had known the longest in my life and still was close to (19 years...)
I lost the two children who I loved to death, the kids whose births I witnessed, kids whose voices I still hear almost daily as they live across the street from me....

But just four short days after that, on Easter of this year, upon an invitation of the Chuck, I met the healer Andrea, re-connected with an old acquaintance who immediately became a friend, and through them, met more, and more, and more.

Without trying, without looking, I found a new group. Or perhaps, one found me.

Two weekends ago, Andrea, two of her friends of whom I had met one briefly, and I, went to a festival in the forest. There was non stop music from Friday 4pm, all the way to Sunday evening around 8. Three stages were setup with different styles of music, different atmospheres, different moods; the grounds were filled with smiling people, all ages, all backgrounds, all there to share their love and their energy with each other. The event was called Manifesting Magic, and it happened, I actually felt it.

We spent our time walking from one stage to the next, smiling to other revelers, saying hi to whomever passed us by. A hoop always twirling from one hand. We all met kindred spirits, we learned and taught, we travelled together, but we spent much of our time alone, dancing with ourselves, with our thoughts, feeling the energy of the music, the energy of all those around us, some dancing in groups, some lost in their own worlds and just flowing to the beats.

Both nights, we danced till the sun came up and the birds started chirping. A few hours of sleep, up, clean as best as one can, and back out to the woods, to the dance.

The final day, the sun came out and burned away all the wet that had been falling since the weekend had begun. I took to the water to wash the days away, in my bikini top, and skirt shorts bottom, inquisitive, but friendly eyes wash over me, smiling faces. A child calls out a question, are you a boy or a girl?. Breaths are caught, eyes flicker towards me. I smile. I used to be a boy, but now I'm becoming a girl. Really?, you can do that? she replies incredulously. I laugh, I hear soft laughter, relieved laughter from somewhere else. Yes I say, but she is not convinced, and I realize, she needs something to make sense of this, but as she is just a child, all she needs is a name to give it.

"I'm trans" I say.

The girl thinks for a moment, nods forcefully, smiles and runs off to tell her mother. I look over and see her looking up, sharing her own new experience with her parent. Her mother smiles, looks at me, and I smile back and nod slightly. She thanks me with her eyes. I'll never know her, nor her me, but regardless, we shared a connection, we were changed, and that's a beautiful thing.

As the last performers took to the stage and rang out in joy, I in my bikini top, long flowing skirt, messed up hair and barely done face, danced with my hoop for hours with the rest of the crowd dancing beside me. I felt free, I felt liberated. I would dance with my eyes closed, feeling the circle twirl its way around me in my hands, dropping it to my hips and keeping it there while dancing and swaying with the music. I felt warmth, love, strength and beauty surround me, as I added my own to it, and when I would open my eyes, I would see other eyes upon me, smiling faces, sharing in my happiness, watching me, seeing me, disheveled, androgynous, laughing, dancing, beautiful me.

and for the first time ever I didn't feel embarrased, I didn't feel self concious, I didn't care that I was somewhat scruffy after being in the woods for so long right after a laser treatment, I didn't care that I'm still new to the hoop and there were many people better than I was, I just danced. I danced more than I have ever danced in my life... cumulatively. And dancing is something I've always dreamed of doing.




I left there changed once again, and since then, when I get home, I put on some music, I grab my hoop, and I dance. I don't always feel that same liberation and joy, but at the same time, sometimes I do, and it's beautiful.

This past weekend, the same couple that came with us to the forest threw a party, as she is going away for a while to work. Chuck, my lynch-pin to the group was supposed to be there as well, but unfortunately couldn't make it in the end... funny.... it took Andrea to mention that I really was part of the group, how I didn't need him there at all, I hadn't ever noticed... in the past this would have scared me, made me feel uncomfortable about being around so many strangers... but now?, it never even bothered me that I was about to go to Sherbrooke (1.5 hrs away) with only four out of 12 people that I know... and well, ya know, that I'm a fledgling trans woman as well....

It was a great weekend, I was getting some interested looks, so I named myself and talked a bit about my experiences, some people asked questions, they got to know me, and as usual, that's all it takes. I made some wonderful new friends yet again, found out that some of them are music nerds as well and I got to share that side of me which I love doing, and once again, a bunch more people are more comfortable around trans people now, which I think is pretty awesome.

Something else happened over the weekend which I need to share. Birthday girl told me, in front of half the gang there, how much she admired me, and how she had never seen someone so comfortable in their own skin as I am. I take my place, I'm so happy with who I am that people around me, even through they may never have met a trans person before, have no choice but to like me, to be interested, to want to get to know me. I don't give them the choice of being uncomfortable, I'm comfortable enough for anyone. While she was saying this, everyone else was listening, and agreeing. I was stunned, and incredibly touched. As I shared my stories and my experiences with others throughout the weekend, I was told twice that I should get out of my line of work and just talk, talk to people about life, counsel people, give talks about motivation and self confidence and being true to yourself to high school kids, stuff like that.... and each time I was told this, those in earshot all spoke up in favor... and none of them knew that this is what I dream of doing.

and to top it all off, I have a road trip buddy who loves cranking the music and singing along and doesn't mind my howling. I haven't met many people that can let themselves sink into music, and be as touched and affected by a powerful piece as I can, but I finally did and I'm looking forward to our drinks and music night that we have to do soon :)

So yeah, it's been an amazing couple of weeks.... but I still want to talk about work and what's going on there, and this post is long, so I'll stop this one here

Thanks gang for making a girl feel welcome :)


Monday 3 June 2013

Cyclical Meanderings.... pt. 3

I've been wanting to write for two days now, but too much is jumbling up in there to get out any coherent thoughts. So I'll just start typing, see where it leads me

I took a trip in the rain, thought it would wash me away, return me to my past, strip her from me, yet, after fear, regret, panic, it passed, like it always does. We should all remember that, dark times always pass.

A golden haired healer took my hand in hers and calmed my soul. After the panic had passed, and I bared that small, scared part of me, her eyes showed only love and acceptance. The bearded one with the lion's mane always present, worrying without letting me see, supporting me as he has always done.

A part of me broke, and was reshaped. There is a lot more breaking and shaping to be done, that is certain. But the thing to remember is that the rain didn't wash me away, sitting in a towel and a tshirt, soaked from a true torrent, I was still me, even more so. I was shocked when I realized it. The fear melted

I danced

I step back from the keyboard as a wave of emotion rocks me on my heels

At the end of the trip, before we all slept, I cleaned, and removed the remainder of the sludge from my face. And looked in the mirror. and still saw him.

so I walked out of the bathroom and approached the healer. stood there for a moment, coughed, got her attention. she looked into my eyes the same way she always had, so I motioned to my face, but all she saw was Dawn. The healer, a sister, only sees me.

we sleep badly and I depart, a new woman in some ways

I agreed to go to an event this coming weekend, the type of non stop massive organized zen music yoga I'm-not-entirely-sure party out in the woods event. The type of thing I've always wanted to attend, yet always talked my way out of. the same fear settles in, and I look for ways out. but, like the discussion with my therapist showed, this is an opportunity.

it scares me, yet I can't truly explain why.

but I'm gonna do it, goddamn it, I'm gonna do it

and I won't give the responsibility to take care of me to the healer, who I'll be going with. This is my time, explore, experience, share, not follow, search, hunt, play. Chill

heal

grow

learn

during the trip, the healer said to me that she feels that no matter what she attempts, she cannot fail. I said to her, don't worry about failing, don't worry about succeeding, just do, just be

it's good advice

and as usual, the advice you give is the advice you should be following








Wednesday 22 May 2013

Confirmed

I sat down with a guy at work today to tell him about me... well, to confirm it at the very least. After we chitchat for a few minutes, I say to him with a grin on my face "so!, have you heard the rumors?"

He laughs and replies, "the Greek crowd found out, that means everyone knows, you know that"

Told my director, no problem, he was worried that I was about to tell him I had found another job, hehe. I even brought up "oh boy, the next business trip is going to be interesting!"... he laughed as much as I did... but he never said "well, maybe we can't send you anymore", nothing like that slipped by at all... awesome

Found out that the Italian old timers (not that they're that old, just that they've been here for ever) on the other side of the company all found out as well, and no one seems to have any issues in any way shape or form either, from what I understand the average opinion is it's my life to live and if this is what I need then that's just fine. Nothing wrong with that at all

Confirmed as well that a few of the girls figured it out on their own, they actually noticed the changes.

That company wide email may not even be necessary... hell, will I even make it another 6 weeks?, heheheh

What a wild ride.


Tuesday 21 May 2013

Critical mass has been achieved....

So while I was off last week, the tall Dane who shares a cubicle wall comes over to Stephanie, who everyone knows is a good friend of mine, and asks her.... "so, are the rumors true?"

I have become *the* office rumor it seems, and I'm not entirely sure how long its been going on, haha!.

I got another insight into it when I was chatting with a girlfriend that I came out to right before I hurt my back, she told me that now that she knows, she realizes that there has been 'talk' about me all around the office for a little bit now, and yeah, lots of people have figured it out. On a very positive note, she said that overall she has heard one single negative bathroom related thing, which seemed to have been dealt with by the other women talking to the complainer, but other than that, people are simply curious, not judgmental.

and that's all pretty damn cool!... only one complainer so far?, I'll take it!

I had always figured that I would have used the rumor mill to my advantage at one point, and the coming out that I did 2 weeks ago was in fact the beginning of that, but oh well, the rumors have preceded me, and I'm totally OK with that. Hell, this is happening regardless, the more people that know before the "official" email comes out about me, the better, and if its being taken care of on its own, even better still!. After all, I can't sit down and talk to each of the other 250 some employees at the bloody company, even if they all know who I am....

in 42 days, I'll be sitting here at my kitchen table at the end of my first day as Dawn at work.... whoah.... hahahahhahaha, crazy!

The girls I told about me before leaving, as well as another manager, and another sweet girl I told this morning, all took it great. The women really seem to accept me fully as "one of the team", it feels entirely genuine from them, and almost all of them have volunteered a "oh don't worry about the bathroom, I don't know how anyone would have a problem with that" comment to me which again, awesome.

My therapist asked me yesterday if 6 months ago, I would have believed where I am right now at this second, looking at social transition just 6 weeks away, and I cracked up in laughter. I counted the months from Nov 2011, eighteen months.... its been eighteen months since I came back out and put my makeup on for the first time in ages, and now I've been on hormones for two months already.... this was supposed to be impossible.... then it was supposed to still be far away..... and all of a sudden, its here.

and I'm beautiful

and I cried out of sheer happiness for the first time since my wedding day

love you all, thank you all for your help in this, and if you think I may be talking to you, I probably am

thank you

Dawn