Tuesday 26 August 2014
woo woo
Within constant chaos, one must evolve constantly
Anything else is irrational
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think that may be why, during my previous life, when I fell into the static, I would eventually go insane, need to break out, get free.... that usually ended up in me doing stupid and unhealthy shit
but the chaos can be frightening, and there is such security within the static. I guess a lot of people are comfortable within the static, they must be, so many of them live there, but personally, I don't buy it
I think they all have a need to break free, to explore and experience.... but the need doesn't overpower the fear for whatever reason.... yet they love living their lives vicariously through people like me..... just as I did when I was static, hearing stories instead of telling them, realizing that all the stories I was telling were a decade or two old, I wasn't creating any new pages in my book, no new chapters other than the Disney ones.... bought a house, got married, big TV, new car, not happy, ignoring my needs, nothing else.... ugh
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was called a "woo woo" last night, meaning one of those people that looks for deeper meaning in everything, a dreamer, a romantic. The term makes me laugh, and she appreciates it in me for which I am thankful, as this new journey is just beginning
another step into evolution, into chaos
yet, strangely enough, without fear
just a twinkle in my eye
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems I'm not as straight as I thought I was.... go figure.... I'm sure this doesn't surprise anyone else but me...
A party in which you don't wear pants, a crazy and weird experience. A gay guy dances with me, lifts me in his arms, kisses me, and declares that it was the first time in a decade he had done this. And it was wonderful. An interesting connection is made
I meet a woman, a soul, we find ourselves acting like teenagers on the dance floor, and outside of the club, and in my room in the wee hours of the morning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine sharing a powerful, sensual, beautiful connection with someone, knowing that they share the same type of connections with others, and that you as well have the liberty to do so yourself. Not just mechanical sex, or physical need, but emotion, energy, feelings....
The thought had always terrified me, yet now, no fear, just living, just being, and enjoying the journey, regardless of where it takes me, or her.... trying not to use the term 'us'.... too soon, but....
Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?, the journey?
My mother asked me about a possible future in this type of world, where is the security?, where is the guarantee?, if you find yourself alone at 70 or further, on your death bed, will you have that person there with you?
I have so much love in my life, I know that I won't be alone when the time comes, and love is truly what matters, not a specific pre-approved version of love, just love
There is so much time between now and then, a lifetime in fact, and I'd rather fill that life, that storybook, with as many pages and chapters and footnotes and appendices and inserts and references as possible as opposed to one long page ..... a static page
sharing love, what a novel concept
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yeah.... I'm a woo woo.... that's for damn sure.... what can I say.... it fits
Monday 18 August 2014
What is my flavour of trans?
I read a post today on Facebook that rubbed me the wrong way, as you'll see later on in this piece, I think I may have interpreted it incorrectly as it triggered the "if you don't see trans like XYZ, then you're doing trans wrong". This is an issue in our "community".... I use quotes there because we barely have a community as each persons interpretation of what is trans for them is always different than the next.... and we end up infighting instead of getting anything constructive done half the time. One of the reasons I don't consider myself part of any communities.....
I'm not going to post her words verbatim out of respect for one's anonymity, but you'll get an idea of what the first post was from my words below
Responding to the thread that generated from the post took me a while, and made me think a lot about stuff that I haven't considered in a while, and due to this, I want to share it here. I'll read back upon this in the future, and I'm sure my views will have shifted, and I think this is a nice snapshot for this moment in time.
My words verbatim. The words in italics have been added for this posting to elaborate on the backstory.
--//--
First off, I think the way I read the original post was "if you don't hate your birth body, you aren't doing trans right", which in retrospect may have been a mistake so I apologize for that. We have a TON of "you aren't the right type of trans" in our communities, and it sickens me, even though I am guilty of thinking the same thoughts occasionally (i.e , I still have problems with a furry guy wearing a dress, and I don't want to have those problems, but in all honesty, I do.... trying to be fully honest here ).
I remember in my agonizing over whether I should transition or not (I finally did it at 35, only last year), when I spent a week or two alone, my dysphoria was almost easy to handle. Yes I wanted to be female, and no I can't explain why, but the fact that I was male in a male body wasn't the end of the world. It was when I was around people that I would get triggered all of the time, and those are definitely social cues affecting me, after all, what else could they be?.
------
I posed the question of, if you lived on a desert island, never having contact with another human being, would you still feel dysphoric....would you still be trans?
-------
I think if I lived on that hypothetical desert island, I wouldn't have had these problems. And that concept held me back for a long time.... i.e..... maybe I'm not really trans.... maybe I'm just screwed up / confused / whatever.
But since I don't live secluded on a desert island, I still had to deal with the world, and the world saw me as male, and treated me as such. I knew I was going to end up killing myself over it, but I never felt hate or discomfort about my body, it was a hatred that was from me to the world in not seeing me the way I wanted to be seen, in the way that I saw myself, after all, not all women have curves, or even feminine figures, many have receeding hairlines, or masculine muscles, yet they are still seen as women. Why couldn't I be seen that way in my former body?... because that's not how our world works
-------
she stated that in her belief system, gender has no place in human society and that it has been used as a tool to repress women
--------
Personally, I don't believe that gender has no place in the human world. Gender stereotypes are bullshit, that's for sure, and a feminine spirit can exist within a male body just as much as a masculine spirit can exist in a female body, without being trans in any way. Restricting each person's expression is what bothers me in our society, seeing masculine traits as positive and feminine traits as negative, that infuriates me and there is NO reason for that to be so prevalent, but I do believe that there is essentially a duality, and yes, people can traverse that duality, people can be in the middle of that duality, it's not fixed, it's not tied to genitalia, but to me, it is a basic part of nature. It's everywhere in nature, and we are all part of nature, so what would make humans different than any other living creature on this planet?. I truly feel, and always felt, that I had a feminine / female / woman's soul within me, and maybe if I had been raised in a culture which celebrated this, maybe then I wouldn't have had to physically transition..... I don't know, impossible to say. But within the culture and reality that we inhabit, I had no choice to match my physical to what I feel is my spirit.
The other wrench in the equation for me is simply that without T in my system, and having E in it's place, I simply feel better. I feel more alive, I don't feel held back by the rage that used to fill me. Even while completely alone, where social gender doesn't exist (back to the desert island concept, and kind of screws the desert island concept), I feel at peace, I feel more like I think I should feel, I feel like I fit in my body.... perhaps this is the "identifying with your body" that you were referring to and that I may have misunderstood?. Science tells us that hormones shouldn't have psychological impact on our actual brain matter, so when I'm not in a social environment, I'm not being soothed by being seen as female, why does it make such an enormous difference in me?. Who knows, but all trans folk that I know have felt the same way, regardless of the direction they're travelling in.
Even though it seems I pass a lot of the time (that still surprises the fuck out of me to be honest), I still have certain male physical features, and yes, I still have my penis, but none of this bothers me, it doesn't make me feel less of a woman. I don't have a *female* body, I have a *feminine* body (and I consider my genitalia feminine as well even though it technically is the opposite of that), and that feels wonderful to me, with or without the social interaction, which again screws up the desert island hypothesis. So maybe I was a bit more body dysphoric than I had thought when sitting down to write this post, who knows, I'm only a year old and figuring myself out still , I think I could have survived having a male body and still lead a decent life, I know I wouldn't have been able to continue being seen as male, I was ready to check out because of that
does any of this make sense?
I'm not going to post her words verbatim out of respect for one's anonymity, but you'll get an idea of what the first post was from my words below
Responding to the thread that generated from the post took me a while, and made me think a lot about stuff that I haven't considered in a while, and due to this, I want to share it here. I'll read back upon this in the future, and I'm sure my views will have shifted, and I think this is a nice snapshot for this moment in time.
My words verbatim. The words in italics have been added for this posting to elaborate on the backstory.
--//--
First off, I think the way I read the original post was "if you don't hate your birth body, you aren't doing trans right", which in retrospect may have been a mistake so I apologize for that. We have a TON of "you aren't the right type of trans" in our communities, and it sickens me, even though I am guilty of thinking the same thoughts occasionally (i.e , I still have problems with a furry guy wearing a dress, and I don't want to have those problems, but in all honesty, I do.... trying to be fully honest here ).
I remember in my agonizing over whether I should transition or not (I finally did it at 35, only last year), when I spent a week or two alone, my dysphoria was almost easy to handle. Yes I wanted to be female, and no I can't explain why, but the fact that I was male in a male body wasn't the end of the world. It was when I was around people that I would get triggered all of the time, and those are definitely social cues affecting me, after all, what else could they be?.
------
I posed the question of, if you lived on a desert island, never having contact with another human being, would you still feel dysphoric....would you still be trans?
-------
I think if I lived on that hypothetical desert island, I wouldn't have had these problems. And that concept held me back for a long time.... i.e..... maybe I'm not really trans.... maybe I'm just screwed up / confused / whatever.
But since I don't live secluded on a desert island, I still had to deal with the world, and the world saw me as male, and treated me as such. I knew I was going to end up killing myself over it, but I never felt hate or discomfort about my body, it was a hatred that was from me to the world in not seeing me the way I wanted to be seen, in the way that I saw myself, after all, not all women have curves, or even feminine figures, many have receeding hairlines, or masculine muscles, yet they are still seen as women. Why couldn't I be seen that way in my former body?... because that's not how our world works
-------
she stated that in her belief system, gender has no place in human society and that it has been used as a tool to repress women
--------
Personally, I don't believe that gender has no place in the human world. Gender stereotypes are bullshit, that's for sure, and a feminine spirit can exist within a male body just as much as a masculine spirit can exist in a female body, without being trans in any way. Restricting each person's expression is what bothers me in our society, seeing masculine traits as positive and feminine traits as negative, that infuriates me and there is NO reason for that to be so prevalent, but I do believe that there is essentially a duality, and yes, people can traverse that duality, people can be in the middle of that duality, it's not fixed, it's not tied to genitalia, but to me, it is a basic part of nature. It's everywhere in nature, and we are all part of nature, so what would make humans different than any other living creature on this planet?. I truly feel, and always felt, that I had a feminine / female / woman's soul within me, and maybe if I had been raised in a culture which celebrated this, maybe then I wouldn't have had to physically transition..... I don't know, impossible to say. But within the culture and reality that we inhabit, I had no choice to match my physical to what I feel is my spirit.
The other wrench in the equation for me is simply that without T in my system, and having E in it's place, I simply feel better. I feel more alive, I don't feel held back by the rage that used to fill me. Even while completely alone, where social gender doesn't exist (back to the desert island concept, and kind of screws the desert island concept), I feel at peace, I feel more like I think I should feel, I feel like I fit in my body.... perhaps this is the "identifying with your body" that you were referring to and that I may have misunderstood?. Science tells us that hormones shouldn't have psychological impact on our actual brain matter, so when I'm not in a social environment, I'm not being soothed by being seen as female, why does it make such an enormous difference in me?. Who knows, but all trans folk that I know have felt the same way, regardless of the direction they're travelling in.
Even though it seems I pass a lot of the time (that still surprises the fuck out of me to be honest), I still have certain male physical features, and yes, I still have my penis, but none of this bothers me, it doesn't make me feel less of a woman. I don't have a *female* body, I have a *feminine* body (and I consider my genitalia feminine as well even though it technically is the opposite of that), and that feels wonderful to me, with or without the social interaction, which again screws up the desert island hypothesis. So maybe I was a bit more body dysphoric than I had thought when sitting down to write this post, who knows, I'm only a year old and figuring myself out still , I think I could have survived having a male body and still lead a decent life, I know I wouldn't have been able to continue being seen as male, I was ready to check out because of that
does any of this make sense?
Friday 15 August 2014
Doors
So.... it's been an interesting month.....
An old friend who I thought was supportive of me, someone from my past, who cheerleaded me through transition, who I've written about before, has become a TERF (google it if you don't know, I don't feel like getting into it).... that kind of fucked me up a bit. Just realized it last night, tried to ask her about it and she immediately blocked me.... oh well....
I wonder what fueled her hatred, I hope she finds her way out of her darkness at one point. Either way, a door closes. Part of life I suppose
Someone who became a very good friend in a very short amount of time flipped out at me for being a feminist, who he sees as the cause of all the worlds ills and gave me an ultimatum to give up my ideology or lose him as a friend..... another door closes.
And that really cute teacher that I was jiving with so well?, gay.... dammit.... hehehehehehehehehheh. A wonderful guy, I enjoy our classes immensely and I'm improving fast, and I also enjoy hanging with him and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. Not just a teacher, I consider him a friend. The door remains open, and probably in a better way than I had originally pined for
The one from across the country, I was getting my hopes up, starting to count on him, and when I realized that he probably wasn't going to come see me like he said he would, it hit me, I was doing it again, before I'm ready to do so, ignoring the red flags as usual, using him as a boost to my moods. The door isn't closed, but it's changed, lets say its ajar...
We had our first trans pride march this past Sunday, a wonderful day, marching and chanting through the city, screaming for our rights to be taken seriously by the government. See.... while half of Canada has already removed the requirement for genital surgery before we can be accepted legally as our new genders... and while Quebec has officially rescinded that law last December, they haven't put into place what the new rules will be, how it will work now that they have declared the old way as discriminatory, so nothing has changed for us. I'm still considered legally male, so if I want a new passport, it will have a big fucking M on it, and I'm not accepting that and the danger that it will bring to me. We'll kick that fucking door down dammit
I made a choice this summer to no longer give my time to those who aren't interested in giving their time to me. That shut a couple of doors, and while it hurt and filled me with anxiety that I'm being "mean", it was necessary to do so.
Became very close to a couple friends I've known for a while, opened up, and they to me. Great women, great support, lots of love. Doors bursting open
I got to be interviewed by a journalist for a piece on Radio Canada, which overall went really well even though the piece ended up only 5 minutes long and had a bit of misquoting in it. She closed with the fact that I've been essentially grounded from travelling due to Quebec not getting their head out of their ass with respect to our gender markers, not grounded by my company I should add, but grounded by fear of being pulled aside by ignorant customs agents, drilled about what I am, not something that any of us should be put through. A door to shedding ignorance cracked open a bit, I want to do more of this, more talks, more activism
During the march I ran into an old trans friend of mine who now works at the support group I went to a lifetime ago. She asks me to come by, I decline as the stories of those that go are not mine, these are the sad stories, the ones that I was so afraid of when I started on this path, these aren't people that I can connect with at that level. She understands me, but tells me that I can be a positive story to raise their spirits, that I don't need more support but that I can help these women and men. I think about it, and realize she is right, and I'll be going next Monday. A door opens wide that I can invite people through, I keep getting told what an inspiration I can be, let's make it matter shall we?
I ran into another woman at the march that I had only met once, almost two years ago, she was with this wonderful young trans woman, just entering womanhood, who has been having a rough time of it due to location, finances, etc. She needs strength, and she took to mine like a fish to water. I love her already, I see the stunning and fierce woman that she will grow into even if she doesn't. I'm taking her under my wing, I'll do my best so she can start opening her own doors.
Still meeting new people all the time, wonderful, interesting, crazy and beautiful characters. Little doors here and there, peeking through into different worlds, different experiences, different realities.
looking back over this time, I guess a lot of stuff has happened that could have been devastating, and while some of it hurt, it hasn't put me down, hasn't pushed me back into the darkness, or that green fog. I keep strutting my stuff, closing doors that I no longer need, kicking through others, standing up for myself, doing what I need to do
and that's a good thing
no
that's a great fucking thing
peace
An old friend who I thought was supportive of me, someone from my past, who cheerleaded me through transition, who I've written about before, has become a TERF (google it if you don't know, I don't feel like getting into it).... that kind of fucked me up a bit. Just realized it last night, tried to ask her about it and she immediately blocked me.... oh well....
I wonder what fueled her hatred, I hope she finds her way out of her darkness at one point. Either way, a door closes. Part of life I suppose
Someone who became a very good friend in a very short amount of time flipped out at me for being a feminist, who he sees as the cause of all the worlds ills and gave me an ultimatum to give up my ideology or lose him as a friend..... another door closes.
And that really cute teacher that I was jiving with so well?, gay.... dammit.... hehehehehehehehehheh. A wonderful guy, I enjoy our classes immensely and I'm improving fast, and I also enjoy hanging with him and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. Not just a teacher, I consider him a friend. The door remains open, and probably in a better way than I had originally pined for
The one from across the country, I was getting my hopes up, starting to count on him, and when I realized that he probably wasn't going to come see me like he said he would, it hit me, I was doing it again, before I'm ready to do so, ignoring the red flags as usual, using him as a boost to my moods. The door isn't closed, but it's changed, lets say its ajar...
We had our first trans pride march this past Sunday, a wonderful day, marching and chanting through the city, screaming for our rights to be taken seriously by the government. See.... while half of Canada has already removed the requirement for genital surgery before we can be accepted legally as our new genders... and while Quebec has officially rescinded that law last December, they haven't put into place what the new rules will be, how it will work now that they have declared the old way as discriminatory, so nothing has changed for us. I'm still considered legally male, so if I want a new passport, it will have a big fucking M on it, and I'm not accepting that and the danger that it will bring to me. We'll kick that fucking door down dammit
I made a choice this summer to no longer give my time to those who aren't interested in giving their time to me. That shut a couple of doors, and while it hurt and filled me with anxiety that I'm being "mean", it was necessary to do so.
Became very close to a couple friends I've known for a while, opened up, and they to me. Great women, great support, lots of love. Doors bursting open
I got to be interviewed by a journalist for a piece on Radio Canada, which overall went really well even though the piece ended up only 5 minutes long and had a bit of misquoting in it. She closed with the fact that I've been essentially grounded from travelling due to Quebec not getting their head out of their ass with respect to our gender markers, not grounded by my company I should add, but grounded by fear of being pulled aside by ignorant customs agents, drilled about what I am, not something that any of us should be put through. A door to shedding ignorance cracked open a bit, I want to do more of this, more talks, more activism
During the march I ran into an old trans friend of mine who now works at the support group I went to a lifetime ago. She asks me to come by, I decline as the stories of those that go are not mine, these are the sad stories, the ones that I was so afraid of when I started on this path, these aren't people that I can connect with at that level. She understands me, but tells me that I can be a positive story to raise their spirits, that I don't need more support but that I can help these women and men. I think about it, and realize she is right, and I'll be going next Monday. A door opens wide that I can invite people through, I keep getting told what an inspiration I can be, let's make it matter shall we?
I ran into another woman at the march that I had only met once, almost two years ago, she was with this wonderful young trans woman, just entering womanhood, who has been having a rough time of it due to location, finances, etc. She needs strength, and she took to mine like a fish to water. I love her already, I see the stunning and fierce woman that she will grow into even if she doesn't. I'm taking her under my wing, I'll do my best so she can start opening her own doors.
Still meeting new people all the time, wonderful, interesting, crazy and beautiful characters. Little doors here and there, peeking through into different worlds, different experiences, different realities.
looking back over this time, I guess a lot of stuff has happened that could have been devastating, and while some of it hurt, it hasn't put me down, hasn't pushed me back into the darkness, or that green fog. I keep strutting my stuff, closing doors that I no longer need, kicking through others, standing up for myself, doing what I need to do
and that's a good thing
no
that's a great fucking thing
peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)