At what point do I feel like a woman?
Is it when my face is smoothed by powder?, is it liner, mascara, forms and a bra, a wig, at what point does the dysphoria fade?, at what point does the accessorizing do the job?
The weather is crummy and I was stuck in the office regardless today, got home not feeling too hot, took a long bath, got dressed, very light makeup, wig and boobs but no other padding, some jewelery.... I spent some time with Netflix going in the background doing my nails, watched a couple movies cuddled under a blanket, nothing I wouldn't do on any other rainy and mucky night.
Aside from my outside appearance, I feel and think the same as a few nights ago when I was sitting in the same spot, watching TV and fiddling around on the net, the clothes are the same (literally, top is a different color, but I wear femme tops around the house regardless), does it make me feel that much different to have the extra curves and hair?.
On a side note, I met a cool chick at a bar last week, got to talking, she mentioned off hand how she could see how I would want to be with a man in order to feel more feminine, after all, what makes a woman feel more like a woman than being "taken" by a big strong man. Her words not mine by the way, I didn't contradict her, cause I have had those thoughts in the past, but at the same time I realized that I feel feminine because I am feminine. Yes I want to be treated respectfully and as I am presenting when I am out and about in the world, but I don't need anyone's approval or permission or help in order to feel feminine. I do because I simply am.
So back to when do I cross that line?, is there still a line to cross?. I feel femme all the time, regardless of how I present, so dressing now is just getting the outside to look more like what the inside feels like, as stereotypical as it is to say that (although I never have said that before). I feel just a bit more relaxed right now than I do in full boy mode, but since the boy mode is quite girly to begin with, that extra relaxation is diminishing as I cross over. I do kind of miss the rush, but the crash is much easier to deal with as well.
We often talk about the pain at the end of the night, the procrastination before taking the makeup off, the sadness to returning to boy mode for who knows how long, hell, I've mentioned it myself not too long ago. I haven't felt that in a little while now, I don't mind getting the makeup off (especially in this humidity), I know that there is nothing holding me back from slathering it back on again. I also know that I don't stop being a trans woman just because I happen to be in boy mode for a while.
I think the line is simply fading, perhaps thats the answer?
Saturday 22 September 2012
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Passing.....
I had to talk about this at one point didn't I?
Do I like the way I look en femme?, yes, in fact, I love the way I look en femme, I think I'm classy, sexy when I want to be, I know how to dress and move and don't walk like a trucker (that... really.... bugs me), but do I think I pass as a GG?. Hells no
First off, I'm definitely taller than the average woman, but I'm still fairly lucky at only being 5'10", of course this does mean I'm 6'2" in my favorite heels, but thats neither here nor there. I don't have a big heavy jaw, my french blood saved me there from the Irish side, but its still just male enough. Same with the brow ridge, it could be oh so much worse, but its still male. Unfortunately, my nose is Irish.... this pic I think sums it up well.
Again, I think I'm beautiful in this picture, and that's not just me having an inflated ego, I've never really considered myself beautiful, pretty, handsome, attractive even, ever. But do I pass?, lol, no. It seems I pass for a full time and fully transitioned trans woman, and I'm very happy for that, but not for a GG.
It took me a long time to get to this way of looking at it, but why should I feel the need to "fully" pass, i.e., go stealth. Is my mere presence such an upset to the world around me?.
{ Absolutely no judgements on those who choose that its the best path for them, I know sometimes it can mean the difference between a life lived in fear and one lived in relative peace.}
I'm lucky enough to live somewhere where the "different" folks like me aren't hated or feared on sight, life is never easy for trans folk regardless of where they are, but when it comes to the location lottery, being in Montreal is a big win. While it is a friendly place, I still don't see many visible trans women (or men) out and about in every day life, I no longer live right in the city, but I still get out there quite often, and unless I'm going to a trans specific space, I'm usually the only visible transsexual out there. And while it can be a touch lonely, I do think that it's pretty cool sometimes, after all, the tons of people who clock me every time I'm out have now seen "One Of Them!" out living her life just like any other - slightly taller than average - woman, and I think that's a win for all of us. Maybe some heavily closeted guy or gal see me strutting my stuff down St Catherine's, clock me immediately (cause again, I aint fooling anyone here), and say "hey, maybe I can....."
So, this begs the question... since I've made it quite clear that without a few FFS procedures I'll never be going stealth... if I was blessed with perfectly feminine features and body shape / size, and going stealth was simply what happened when I dressed whether I wanted it or not, would I still feel this way?, would I go out of my way to tell people about my trans status ASAP?. Knowing who I am, I think its easy to say, yes, yes I would, holding anything back about my history to people is really painful for me, it's always been an act of shame to me, so when I hold back I feel that old shame and guilt, hate it. Of course if I was that naturally feminine, I wouldn't be who I am now, so it's kind of a moot point.
so where was I going with this?, oh yeah
IMO, fuck passing, you will always be clocked by someone out there. Look as good as you can, no matter your style, be genuine, and have a smile on your face. Don't give the world any other choice than to smile back.
ciao
Do I like the way I look en femme?, yes, in fact, I love the way I look en femme, I think I'm classy, sexy when I want to be, I know how to dress and move and don't walk like a trucker (that... really.... bugs me), but do I think I pass as a GG?. Hells no
First off, I'm definitely taller than the average woman, but I'm still fairly lucky at only being 5'10", of course this does mean I'm 6'2" in my favorite heels, but thats neither here nor there. I don't have a big heavy jaw, my french blood saved me there from the Irish side, but its still just male enough. Same with the brow ridge, it could be oh so much worse, but its still male. Unfortunately, my nose is Irish.... this pic I think sums it up well.
Again, I think I'm beautiful in this picture, and that's not just me having an inflated ego, I've never really considered myself beautiful, pretty, handsome, attractive even, ever. But do I pass?, lol, no. It seems I pass for a full time and fully transitioned trans woman, and I'm very happy for that, but not for a GG.
It took me a long time to get to this way of looking at it, but why should I feel the need to "fully" pass, i.e., go stealth. Is my mere presence such an upset to the world around me?.
{ Absolutely no judgements on those who choose that its the best path for them, I know sometimes it can mean the difference between a life lived in fear and one lived in relative peace.}
I'm lucky enough to live somewhere where the "different" folks like me aren't hated or feared on sight, life is never easy for trans folk regardless of where they are, but when it comes to the location lottery, being in Montreal is a big win. While it is a friendly place, I still don't see many visible trans women (or men) out and about in every day life, I no longer live right in the city, but I still get out there quite often, and unless I'm going to a trans specific space, I'm usually the only visible transsexual out there. And while it can be a touch lonely, I do think that it's pretty cool sometimes, after all, the tons of people who clock me every time I'm out have now seen "One Of Them!" out living her life just like any other - slightly taller than average - woman, and I think that's a win for all of us. Maybe some heavily closeted guy or gal see me strutting my stuff down St Catherine's, clock me immediately (cause again, I aint fooling anyone here), and say "hey, maybe I can....."
So, this begs the question... since I've made it quite clear that without a few FFS procedures I'll never be going stealth... if I was blessed with perfectly feminine features and body shape / size, and going stealth was simply what happened when I dressed whether I wanted it or not, would I still feel this way?, would I go out of my way to tell people about my trans status ASAP?. Knowing who I am, I think its easy to say, yes, yes I would, holding anything back about my history to people is really painful for me, it's always been an act of shame to me, so when I hold back I feel that old shame and guilt, hate it. Of course if I was that naturally feminine, I wouldn't be who I am now, so it's kind of a moot point.
so where was I going with this?, oh yeah
IMO, fuck passing, you will always be clocked by someone out there. Look as good as you can, no matter your style, be genuine, and have a smile on your face. Don't give the world any other choice than to smile back.
ciao
Thursday 6 September 2012
Memories......
rolling my socks down so they made little bands around my ankles, thinking how pretty it was and how like all the little girls it was..... age 3ish..... already knew to hide what I was doing
school uniform, shirt and shorts for the boys in the summer, blouse and skirt for the girls, shorts the same length as the skirts. I'd hold my legs together tight and hold the edges of the shorts out as far as I could and pretended that it was a skirt..... age 5ish
realizing how pretty the girls' shoes were, and how ugly mine were, thus cementing my life long hatred of men's shoes.... age 5
raiding my mothers closet and playing dressup, whole thing, hose and slip, dress, shawl, hat, makeup, jewlerry. Get caught by mother who at first thinks its funny, shows my father who growls at me to take it off immediately, scares my mom, never spoken of again..... age 6
not wanting to change for swimming class with the boys, something about it felt wrong, changed with the girls for half a year, in those days and where I lived, no one was getting sued or freaking out over that.... age 7-8
never felt comfortable changing with other men..... age, always
pictures of me and my childhood friends, all girls
parents yelling at me telling me to spend more time with boys instead of all the girls I hung out with, mother whispering to me 'your father is scared of you turning into a homosexual', I ask her what that is, she shushes me and says later..... age 11-12?
"fucking queers, they should all be put to death", my father mutters as the first flamboyantly gay guy I've seen in my life walks by us on the street..... age 12
"you want a dress to go with your long hair you little girly boy"...... actually, yes dad, yes I do..... I never had the guts to say that back to him.... age 11 to 15
dreaming of being female.... waking up so happy, so unbearably happy, then looking at my body and realizing it was all a dream.... age .... puberty, 10 to 16
lots of drinking and drugs.... age 13 to 16 were the bad years
guilt
shame
denial
hate
anger
.......... age 5 to well, im not perfect, no one can be, but up to early this year. I'm done with you all, good riddance
school uniform, shirt and shorts for the boys in the summer, blouse and skirt for the girls, shorts the same length as the skirts. I'd hold my legs together tight and hold the edges of the shorts out as far as I could and pretended that it was a skirt..... age 5ish
realizing how pretty the girls' shoes were, and how ugly mine were, thus cementing my life long hatred of men's shoes.... age 5
raiding my mothers closet and playing dressup, whole thing, hose and slip, dress, shawl, hat, makeup, jewlerry. Get caught by mother who at first thinks its funny, shows my father who growls at me to take it off immediately, scares my mom, never spoken of again..... age 6
not wanting to change for swimming class with the boys, something about it felt wrong, changed with the girls for half a year, in those days and where I lived, no one was getting sued or freaking out over that.... age 7-8
never felt comfortable changing with other men..... age, always
pictures of me and my childhood friends, all girls
parents yelling at me telling me to spend more time with boys instead of all the girls I hung out with, mother whispering to me 'your father is scared of you turning into a homosexual', I ask her what that is, she shushes me and says later..... age 11-12?
"fucking queers, they should all be put to death", my father mutters as the first flamboyantly gay guy I've seen in my life walks by us on the street..... age 12
"you want a dress to go with your long hair you little girly boy"...... actually, yes dad, yes I do..... I never had the guts to say that back to him.... age 11 to 15
dreaming of being female.... waking up so happy, so unbearably happy, then looking at my body and realizing it was all a dream.... age .... puberty, 10 to 16
lots of drinking and drugs.... age 13 to 16 were the bad years
guilt
shame
denial
hate
anger
.......... age 5 to well, im not perfect, no one can be, but up to early this year. I'm done with you all, good riddance
Life
No one ever said being trans was easy....
Dawn, for the first time, felt loved, and desired.... and that gaping hole in my soul was suddenly, if only temporarily, filled. I've felt this hole for ... well ... ever, did I know this is what it needed?, maybe, we lie to ourselves so easily.
At home, Dawn, while loved in a certain way, is still seen as a threat. I can't find any fault in that, and that's the tough part, I understand.........
In a way she is a threat to me, to the me that Becca fell in love with, can't deny it. At the same time, she is me, and without her, I wouldn't be me, and Becca would have never loved me to begin with.
Its a real mindfuck.
I keep focusing on one aspect of my experience, which is that even as a boy, and with that person as a girl, it still felt great. Sure I wanted some fabulous boobs, always will, but the thought of going all the way (which I consider to be social transition in reality, doesn't matter what is under your dress except to those who you share that with) wasn't as prevalent, I was comfortable knowing if I wanted to boy it up for a few days, or femme it up for a week, it would all be cool.
Is that what I need?.
There's no denying that the more I feel comfortable as a woman, the better I feel as a guy (still can't use the word 'man'), as I've said before, a fairly femmy guy, but a guy nonetheless.
Well, thats what therapy is for isn't it?, had my second session, more later
Wish me luck
...and more than that
Wish Becca and me all the luck in the world
Dawn, for the first time, felt loved, and desired.... and that gaping hole in my soul was suddenly, if only temporarily, filled. I've felt this hole for ... well ... ever, did I know this is what it needed?, maybe, we lie to ourselves so easily.
At home, Dawn, while loved in a certain way, is still seen as a threat. I can't find any fault in that, and that's the tough part, I understand.........
In a way she is a threat to me, to the me that Becca fell in love with, can't deny it. At the same time, she is me, and without her, I wouldn't be me, and Becca would have never loved me to begin with.
Its a real mindfuck.
I keep focusing on one aspect of my experience, which is that even as a boy, and with that person as a girl, it still felt great. Sure I wanted some fabulous boobs, always will, but the thought of going all the way (which I consider to be social transition in reality, doesn't matter what is under your dress except to those who you share that with) wasn't as prevalent, I was comfortable knowing if I wanted to boy it up for a few days, or femme it up for a week, it would all be cool.
Is that what I need?.
There's no denying that the more I feel comfortable as a woman, the better I feel as a guy (still can't use the word 'man'), as I've said before, a fairly femmy guy, but a guy nonetheless.
Well, thats what therapy is for isn't it?, had my second session, more later
Wish me luck
...and more than that
Wish Becca and me all the luck in the world
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