changes

I was trying to write a title which made people sing that David Bowie song, Changes.... as in... ch ch ch ch chhaaaanges!

anyways...

One question that I get often from interested folks is, quite simply, what are all the changes that your body and personality have gone through since starting hormones?, how long did they take to occur?, when did I start feeling them?

I remember back when I was searching, questioning, and googling obsessively for any information I could find out "teh trans", that stories like this always got my attention, and I would seek them out, always wondering... what if those amazing things that happened to her could also happen to me?, is it common what they are going through?, what are the chances that it could happen to me as well!?

The day I started hormones was pretty intense, not only due to the new drugs in my system, after all, after an hour its not like anything had changed internally, but simply because of the emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time due to my ex's feelings about it all. Even with all of that craziness though, I noticed changes almost immediately. How could you know that the changes were due to the hormones you may ask?. On day one, they were probably psychological, sure...   the calm that I felt in my soul, even with things imploding around me, that couldn't have been a physical reaction to the drugs, it was just my psyche finally relaxing, knowing that the journey has actually started. We almost all experience a new sense of calm from almost the moment that we start.

But the second day, I got home and Becca wasn't there yet, and I actually felt in a pretty good mood, so I went down to play some drums on RockBand. I banged on those damn things for a good hour, demolishing most of my high scores, and I realized only once I was too tired to continue (plus, Becca had gotten home by then), that I had not lost my cool once during the whole session. People who know me know how I can get with video games, especially those that I consider myself damn good at.... I get *mad* when I screw up... or I should say... I used to get mad when I screwed up. But during that whole hour, I didn't curse once, didn't get frustrated and slam the sticks on the pads once, I was calm. Again, hormones?, lack of testosterone?, a mental well being that I hadn't felt in who-knows-how-long?, I'll never really know.

The weird stuff started happening on day 2. I recall noticing that morning in the shower that I didn't have the mess of lost hair that I usually do after washing it, my hair had stopped breaking off... neat. That evening while eating dinner with Becca, I recall munching on my salad marveling at a new and interesting flavour that I had never tasted before.... I commented on it to her, I described the flavour, she looked at me and said "that's arugula... you hate that stuff", but all of a sudden, it was downright yummy. I noticed that weekend that I also found green and red peppers delicious, something I had hated my entire life. I had never heard of hormones changing ones taste buds before, but there you have it!, I even enjoy coriander now believe it or not.

Cooked fish still tastes like shit though.... sorry....

On day 3, I didn't wash, Becca and I spent that whole Saturday talking, crying, pleading, explaining, dealing.... and sometime in the afternoon, in the middle of some discussion, I ran my hands though my hair (as I continuously do) and realized that it wasn't greasy. I realized that I didn't stink (those who knew me in my previous life knew what a greasy mofo I was, ugh), my skin was smooth, my scalp was smooth, my hair was soft, my skin was softer than it had ever been before. This wasn't all in my mind either, Becca agreed once I brought it up and she checked for herself.

People are still shocked at the softness and smoothness of my skin, sure *he* was never rugged, but he never had skin like this either.

The next changes that I realized were again psychological, I could sleep. Life going to hell in a handbasket, but I could sleep. I've ground my teeth twice since I started my transition... and prior to that I'd wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth at least twice a week for most of my life. I could also get up in the morning without fighting my self to do so, the depression was fading (never quite left, but so much more manageable now).

Speaking of sleeping, I do have to get up more often to pee now.... yes, a woman's bladder is smaller than a man's, and that, as with most things, is controlled by hormones. My frakin bladder has shrunk....

It's impossible to say when each step occurred, these things don't just happen overnight, you just notice it at one point. A few weeks in, my chest started to hurt, I'd feel pressure, sensitivity, the feeling of something moving under my nipples, the sensation of things popping and bursting under there. It didn't last long, and it took a few months until things started happening visually, but I felt the work starting very early.

I never noticed my curves changing, but I'm the same weight I was when I started, yet I've gone from an L/XL, size 11 to 13, down to a medium, wearing sizes 7/9. My bust has gone from a 38 to a 36 (bloody godsend that, because 38A doesn't exist!), and I look better in my skinny jeans than I ever have. Weird thing is I have a good friend taking my measurements every couple of months, and the raw numbers have barely changed.... yet I see the changes in my wardrobe.... go figure. Oh, and I look fucking killer in a bikini, so that is pretty awesome.

The next big difference I noticed was strength, and I started being bothered by it after about a month, month and a half. First time I noticed this was getting kitty litter. It's an 18kg box, and I was used to just grabbing it with one hand and lugging it into the house.... but no.... no more of that. I need to stand in front of the damn thing now, use both hands, and lift with my legs to make sure I don't hurt anything.... and I'm in the best shape of my life. Go figure...

At around the 3 or 4 month mark, I recall looking at myself in the mirror and being shocked by the changes. This is around the time I wrote the post saying sorry to the old me. My face has been shifting, almost imperceptibly, but when you look at a picture of the old me with the new me right next to him, it's quite different.... the same.... yet different. It doesn't take much to make a face look different, half a millimeter here, a tiny shift there, and it can soften your entire look. Impossible to say where the changes have occurred, but clear that they have.

At around that time as well my breasts really started to feel pain, as though I had a golf ball under each nipple covered in broken glass. I still sleep on my stomach, but I tuck my arms under me to reduce the pressure on my chest. Now, at eight months in, I have actual little breasts, the feeling, the shape, the way they move slightly out of sync with the rest of my body, the feeling is surreal.

so, what have we covered... hair, smells, tastes, skin, strength, boobs, curves, face..... ok.... just one thing left to discuss.

for those who really don't need to know this.... you can skip the next two paragraphs

to all the rest of you...

For people who have never owned and operated a penis, a little lesson which will assist in illustrating. The damn things really do have a mind of their own, a man really can't control what its going to do as he goes about its day, it will shift, swell, move around (no, not that literally) as the blood rushes in and drains from it a gazillion times a day. I no longer have to deal with any of that, the T blockers have essentially removed its brain (ooh, good analogy, just came up with that). I am now in complete control of it, if I need to use it, I still can, just takes longer, and for someone like me, that's pretty fucking awesome. I don't have to worry about a bulge suddenly occurring under a tight skirt, I can even get away with wearing a bikini bottom with a bit of inventive placement, essentially, I don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore, it's just... there.

Other changes have occurred to it as well, you shrink in size, you can't get 100% hard (maybe around 75 I'd guess at), the "boys" will eventually disappear for the most part as you lose about 50% of size per year, and I'm following what is normal for all of that. The sensitivity I've lost down there, while a touch worrying at first, has been replaced with  an enourmous gain in sensitivity throughout the rest of my body, and once I started to realize that, and start to explore my new system, I found that this way is wwaaaaayyyy better (at least for me!). My whole body has become an erogenous zone, not just the obvious parts, breasts, neck, thighs, but everything... My brain has accepted the nervous rewiring very well, I've found new ways of receiving pleasure, I can have what I consider to be a "female" orgasm now, in that it is my whole body reacting as if its riding a wave, it isn't a kaboom-done cutoff point like ejaculating always was for me as a man (oh, ok, I'm done now, time for a sandwich!). The first man I was with post hormones was sweet enough to hold me as my body shook for (what felt like) twenty minutes after we were together, I had never experienced anything like that before, yet in a way, I had, but from his point of view. I've lay there in bed holding a quivering woman against me as she let her system relax after a mind shattering orgasm... and now it was me in that position.... beautiful, surprising, and amazing.

so... T.M.I.?.... seriously, if you've been reading my words up to this point, you really shouldn't be surprised.

so there you have it, I think I covered it all, probably forgot something as is standard for me, but yup. Only 8 months under my belt, can't wait to see what the next year brings (c'mon B cups!!!!!, w00t!!!)

thanks for listening

an excercise

I walk into the room as she does. We sit across from each other.

- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?

She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing

- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.

- but still...

- I know... shut up.

She thinks for a while

- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?

We grin

- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....

...

- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....

- yeah, I get it

- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....

...

- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to

- well... what are you alluding to then?

She fidgets again

- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.

- ya don't say

- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.

- oh?

- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....

- held back...

- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk

- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend

- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...

- with?

- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.

- very cool

- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.

- of course

- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on

I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting

- feel better?

- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on

- what's that?

- boobs

- pardon?

- you heard me... boobs!

...

- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.

- ya don't say.....

- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...

- okaaaaay....

- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!

- ok, enough

- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!

we look at each other... laughing

- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks

- anytime

I get up from the mirror