And the ball keeps rollin....

A few days before Xmas now, feeling like ass with my typical too-stressed-out-at-the-end-of-the-year-cold,    and things are about to get so busy that I may not get a chance, or even think of writing again before the end of the year. So its a good time to look back on what has happened.

But first, I just wanted to mention last night. An old friend of mine restarted her yearly xmas potluck dinners and of course invited me and Becca. After receiving the invite, I got anxious, didn't want to go, wasn't sure why, then it dawned on me (pun not intended), I didn't want to go as a guy.

We're going to be doing alot of family stuff over the break, we always do, and that's an environment where I still have to be a guy, and I'm not really looking forward to it to tell the truth. So the thought of going to a friends event, and this is a friend who has met and interacted with Dawn on a few occasions, and was one of the first to do so way back in 07, and having to be a guy at that event just got me so down, so sad, ugh. So I mentioned if it would be all the same if I came as Dawn, of course she said yes.

(In fact her hubby, a guy I've known for 15 years, told me that I am never to ask again if its "ok", I show up as I choose, after all, he doesn't ask permission to wear jeans to my place.... love this guy)

So last night I showed up alone, Becca was working a 12 and was beat, and it was awesome. I met some new people who didn't even blink at meeting a transwoman (I had a lovely chat later with a woman who had watched someone transition at work), their little boy fell absolutely in love with me and even grabbed my boob at one point. There was also one specific friend, a very good friend who only recently found out about me (a few months back), who got to meet Dawn for the first time. I noticed that he made a point not to use any names at all which I think was cute, but he seemed to be totally OK with it. It was a great night, I felt comfortable, people seemed comfortable around me (I think me being fairly social helps, if I was hiding in the corner being shy I think people would have felt differently around the trans person). I felt fine chitchatting with the boys over scotch, and I was accepted easily in the ladies circle chatting in the living room. A wonderful evening overall.

And its also a clear indication that yes, I am finally doing right by myself, good grief I can't wait to start....

Anyway, looking back, wow... this time last year i was just starting to feel good about myself en femme again, and now I'm counting the days to my first doctors appointment to check my levels, and make sure that my body can handle transition. I've even quit smoking, 23 years of almost a pack a day, done, December 2nd, 4:05AM, wild stuff.

Becca and I are doing better, its not easy, that's for sure, but we really are doing better. We are living with the idea that transition is soon, its guaranteed, its happening. We want to stay together, and I love her so much for that, and yes we are going to keep trying over the next 6 to 10 months to have a child, hopefully the cutting out tobacco will get my levels up enough to have a chance. Once she's pregnant, and things are looking good, or if the year just gets too long (at which point we will switch to IVF to conceive), I'll start on my own transition.

If I think the last year was a crazy ride, lol, having two hormonal women in the same house?, thaaaats gonna be interesting ;).

I also need to mention again the sheer amount of support I've received over this past year. Everyone has been awesome, they've accepted me, and once they meet Dawn they include me and love me just the same, if not more. Dawn exists now, not only because of all the steps that I have taken throughout this year, but also due to how everyone has taken her in, taken me in. It really is amazing.

I've even started using my real family name instead of the "Labelle" I've always used, it looks good, more than that, it feels right. Especially knowing that I have my father on my side, if he had shunned me completely, I think I would have changed my entire name, and not only my first.

I don't often say this, but I am looking forward to next year..... bring it on :D

Dawn

One out of four aint bad!

Well wouldn't ya know it, good old dad pulls out the stops and surprises me. I just got a response back from my awkward outing-myself email that I sent him, and to paraphrase:

- no big deal, do what you want / need to do, its your life
- if you want to talk about it, no problem, but don't think that I *need* to discuss anything, I'm fine with it
- I'm sure you've thought everything out very carefully
- you have my full moral support

I'm really proud of him right now

Gawd I hope he doesn't do a 180.... *knock on wood*

Thoughts that make me feel really small

If the universe is still expanding..... what is it expanding into?

Is there something else in the "other" that our universe is expanding into?, perhaps another universe?

(multiverse)

What happens if two collide?

Are we in one fixed point expanding outwards from that point?, or does our universal center move?

Is the expansion a perfect oval / circle / whatever "they've" decided it to be?, or does it roll, shift, change?

why?

After Philip K Dick's mind imploded, he wrote: "God is the book of the Universe", the sum of all possible knowledge about everything. Perhaps all of this is the universe trying to attain its own godhood, using each speck of life throughout its vast being as a way to experience everything there is to experience. Learning, feeling, being.

So what happens after the great crunch?

I've seen a set of cute images fly by on facebook from time to time, showing how patterns repeat themselves at the cosmic, and at the microcosmic level. The firing of neurons in a brain, the creation of a star.

If patterns repeat themselves, the expansion, the contraction, birth, death, the great cycle.

After the crunch, to the next bang, is anything kept?, is there a purpose to the cycle, can anything be gained by one run?

Will we all go through this again in X trillion years time?

Is there something sitting in the "other", watching?

time for another drink

Procrastinating..... pt 2

Ever since the fallout from my in-laws finding out about me, I've been really procrastinating telling my dad about me.

I mean, its makes senses doesn't it?, 3 out of 4 parental units that have been told have reacted fairly negatively so far, so while my dad doesn't know, it can't be 4 out of 4. The unknown is still keeping me safe.

Here's the thing though, I barely have a relationship with my dad, sad to say, but its true. He doesn't know anything about me, and has never been interested in learning. We've never been able to communicate about anything serious, anything emotional or heartfelt, and while I do enjoy the odd time we spend together (which amounts to 2 or 3 times a year), its very superficial. So if he were to absolutely freak the fuck out and never want to see me again, it wouldn't make that much of a difference in my life, but it would still really suck, after all, aren't parents the ones who are supposed to stick with you through and through?

This past Sunday we had our little Xmas get together before he takes off to Europe with his girlfriend for the holiday season. I had planned on going over to his place for two weeks leading up to this get together for the purpose of telling him about me, and every day I managed to find a reason to not go, and all throughout the evening that we all spent together I kept forcing myself to open up, to start talking, and I just couldn't.

So today I outed myself to him via email, something I hate to do to people who are (should) be close to me, I find it so impersonal, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone.

..... still waiting for a response......

Well, it's official!

I am a transsexual.

Well, duuhhhh, no kidding you may say.

But see, its different now, I have been "approved" as an actual transsexual by my therapist, in that, on my next visit, I will have my papers.

I kinda feel like I graduated from something :P

A little over a year ago I had dressed for the first time in something like 2 years, and now I'm 2 short weeks away from getting official paperwork which will empower me to get hormones and surgeries.

Wild stuff.

I hadn't expected to get them this early, although it seems that my therapist would have been ready to give them to me any time (well, after the obligatory 3 sessions that she does to make sure that all of the bases have been covered before providing papers). I asked for them early because..... drum roll please...... I have an appointment at a new clinic which specializes in under represented people (i.e., trans folk, people with HIV, people with psych issues, etc) in order to find out if my system can handle a transition. When i was making the appointment it kind of came across that I already had my papers, and since the lady on the phone seemed quite happy to hear that and that it would make getting an appointment easier, I didn't correct her.

So I didn't mean to ask for them this early, but I've come to realize over the past few sessions that I am ready for them. I'm not starting on hormones right away, but I am ready, and really excited, to get this confirmation of who I am. I know I shouldn't care about things like that, the only persons approval any of us need is our own, but its still pretty cool to have something that I can hold up and say "see, an accredited member of our medical establishment has signed off on me, I'm not crazy!!!". Plus, if I ever have washroom issues where some ultra-con bitch makes a stink about a trans woman being in there, I have something official to show the ignorant authorities (yes I know its not a get out of jail free card, but its better than nothing).

Things have been better, not easy, but definitely better with Becca and me at home. She has a few therapy sessions under her belt now, and we really are living with the constant knowledge that I am going to transition, and its not going to be a long time away either. We still love each other, and still are planning on staying together, she's come to that conclusion with help from therapy, we can't say that we'll make it for sure, but at least we have a direction to travel.

Oh, and I quit smoking. Yup, 23 years of tobaccoo was given up at 4am on Dec 2nd, so its been almost 2 weeks now, and I gotta say it was alot easier than I had thought it would be. Sure it helps that I'm still smoking pot, but I do have good motivation.

See, before I start on hormones, we are going to keep trying to start a family. Once I start, I may still be able to father a child for a short period, but considering we've already tried for 2 years, and that my tests show that my count and viability are both very low, I'm sure that I can just forget about my boys working properly after my first injection. So hopefully the quitting smoking will give me enough so we can have one naturally, but after that, assuming we are still together post my transition, we will have to go with a different route like IVF.

If we do manage to get pregnant, we'll wait a few months to make sure everything is OK with her, and then I'll start early. Yup, we're going to have two VERY hormonal women in the same house, followed by a newborn. And yes I realize we're nuts, that's OK, after what we've been through, we'll handle it.

No big conclusion in this post, life is looking up, the ball is still rolling, and it kind of feels like we are slipping back into a routine, which for a married couple is a good thing. More later

Dawn