Loss

Loss can be debilitating, I think most of us know that, and we hide from this potential pain so much that too often, we end up losing everything else around us without even realizing it

think of all of the couples that you know, the ones you know well. How many are truly happy?, the majority?, the minority?.... why do people stay together for so long when they know that they aren't happy, that they aren't right for each other?

why does it seem that for so many people, the ending of a relationship seems to invalidate the entire relationship itself.... as though.... if it doesn't have a happily ever after ending, the entire story was a lie

why can't people allow these relationships to die, naturally, and simply move on, accept that they aren't the same person they were when it all started and instead of judging that, embrace it, and see what else life has to offer.

I've reflected on how I've felt over the past four+ months, yes I've shed my tears, and expressed my rage, but all in all, I've been able to keep my eyes looking forward for the vast majority of the time, and a smile on my face and in my heart. Not something that was easy for me to do in past separations, past ... endings. I held on for too long, that is certain, and it was out of fear of loss, not just of her, but of the entire family, which, in the end, I did lose

but that's OK

I learned some positive things, and I learned some negative things which I now know to avoid in the future instead of embracing, and the fact that I am now moving on is good, I was stagnating there, I had no room to grow, and while the claustrophobia was comfortable, I was never honest within it, I knew it wasn't for me.

like so many of us know that the worlds we embed ourselves into are not really what we want, what we've always dreamed of

and there is nothing wrong with dreaming.....

so many of us dream that common dream, the home, the family, the kids and white picket fence, isolated and safe.... it's the story that has been broadcast into our consciousnesses since we were tiny and sucking on the disney teat.

it's a story I myself wanted for so long, even as a young teen those thoughts were strong in my head... wife.... kids... give them a life that I didn't have... give them love and care, the stuff that I had missed growing up... and that dream kept a hold of me stronger and stronger as my trans-ness reared its head

and I held on to it, to the point of getting married, and at one point, I realized that I only thought I wanted that dream.... the dream was a promise... just like the beer commercials promise you that if you get hammered on their stuff, you'll end up with Playboy models.... it was a promise of happiness, of no longer needing to fight and try and work at being happy

I had drank the kool-aid

how many of you are chasing a false dream....chasing a lie

living a lie

scared of losing the security and peace that you have.... convincing yourself its OK... it's not that bad... so many have it far worse

scared of loss..... scared of being wrong

here is something that may make you feel better, you weren't wrong, for you, at that point, you were right, but maybe since then you've lost sight of who you are, or more specifically, who you are now. You aren't the same person you were before, and that's a wonderful thing, and if its time for you to move on, look back in happiness, realize that not everything was bad, hold onto that, and forge a new path

loss can be debilitating.... but if its gotten to the point where losing something is debilitating.... then maybe you're holding onto that something a little too strongly, and maybe you should be looking for strength from within