I lost a family.
I lose a friend who was the person I had known the longest in my life and still was close to (19 years...)
I lost the two children who I loved to death, the kids whose births I witnessed, kids whose voices I still hear almost daily as they live across the street from me....
But just four short days after that, on Easter of this year, upon an invitation of the Chuck, I met the healer Andrea, re-connected with an old acquaintance who immediately became a friend, and through them, met more, and more, and more.
Without trying, without looking, I found a new group. Or perhaps, one found me.
Two weekends ago, Andrea, two of her friends of whom I had met one briefly, and I, went to a festival in the forest. There was non stop music from Friday 4pm, all the way to Sunday evening around 8. Three stages were setup with different styles of music, different atmospheres, different moods; the grounds were filled with smiling people, all ages, all backgrounds, all there to share their love and their energy with each other. The event was called Manifesting Magic, and it happened, I actually felt it.
We spent our time walking from one stage to the next, smiling to other revelers, saying hi to whomever passed us by. A hoop always twirling from one hand. We all met kindred spirits, we learned and taught, we travelled together, but we spent much of our time alone, dancing with ourselves, with our thoughts, feeling the energy of the music, the energy of all those around us, some dancing in groups, some lost in their own worlds and just flowing to the beats.
Both nights, we danced till the sun came up and the birds started chirping. A few hours of sleep, up, clean as best as one can, and back out to the woods, to the dance.
The final day, the sun came out and burned away all the wet that had been falling since the weekend had begun. I took to the water to wash the days away, in my bikini top, and skirt shorts bottom, inquisitive, but friendly eyes wash over me, smiling faces. A child calls out a question, are you a boy or a girl?. Breaths are caught, eyes flicker towards me. I smile. I used to be a boy, but now I'm becoming a girl. Really?, you can do that? she replies incredulously. I laugh, I hear soft laughter, relieved laughter from somewhere else. Yes I say, but she is not convinced, and I realize, she needs something to make sense of this, but as she is just a child, all she needs is a name to give it.
"I'm trans" I say.
The girl thinks for a moment, nods forcefully, smiles and runs off to tell her mother. I look over and see her looking up, sharing her own new experience with her parent. Her mother smiles, looks at me, and I smile back and nod slightly. She thanks me with her eyes. I'll never know her, nor her me, but regardless, we shared a connection, we were changed, and that's a beautiful thing.
As the last performers took to the stage and rang out in joy, I in my bikini top, long flowing skirt, messed up hair and barely done face, danced with my hoop for hours with the rest of the crowd dancing beside me. I felt free, I felt liberated. I would dance with my eyes closed, feeling the circle twirl its way around me in my hands, dropping it to my hips and keeping it there while dancing and swaying with the music. I felt warmth, love, strength and beauty surround me, as I added my own to it, and when I would open my eyes, I would see other eyes upon me, smiling faces, sharing in my happiness, watching me, seeing me, disheveled, androgynous, laughing, dancing, beautiful me.
and for the first time ever I didn't feel embarrased, I didn't feel self concious, I didn't care that I was somewhat scruffy after being in the woods for so long right after a laser treatment, I didn't care that I'm still new to the hoop and there were many people better than I was, I just danced. I danced more than I have ever danced in my life... cumulatively. And dancing is something I've always dreamed of doing.
I left there changed once again, and since then, when I get home, I put on some music, I grab my hoop, and I dance. I don't always feel that same liberation and joy, but at the same time, sometimes I do, and it's beautiful.
This past weekend, the same couple that came with us to the forest threw a party, as she is going away for a while to work. Chuck, my lynch-pin to the group was supposed to be there as well, but unfortunately couldn't make it in the end... funny.... it took Andrea to mention that I really was part of the group, how I didn't need him there at all, I hadn't ever noticed... in the past this would have scared me, made me feel uncomfortable about being around so many strangers... but now?, it never even bothered me that I was about to go to Sherbrooke (1.5 hrs away) with only four out of 12 people that I know... and well, ya know, that I'm a fledgling trans woman as well....
It was a great weekend, I was getting some interested looks, so I named myself and talked a bit about my experiences, some people asked questions, they got to know me, and as usual, that's all it takes. I made some wonderful new friends yet again, found out that some of them are music nerds as well and I got to share that side of me which I love doing, and once again, a bunch more people are more comfortable around trans people now, which I think is pretty awesome.
Something else happened over the weekend which I need to share. Birthday girl told me, in front of half the gang there, how much she admired me, and how she had never seen someone so comfortable in their own skin as I am. I take my place, I'm so happy with who I am that people around me, even through they may never have met a trans person before, have no choice but to like me, to be interested, to want to get to know me. I don't give them the choice of being uncomfortable, I'm comfortable enough for anyone. While she was saying this, everyone else was listening, and agreeing. I was stunned, and incredibly touched. As I shared my stories and my experiences with others throughout the weekend, I was told twice that I should get out of my line of work and just talk, talk to people about life, counsel people, give talks about motivation and self confidence and being true to yourself to high school kids, stuff like that.... and each time I was told this, those in earshot all spoke up in favor... and none of them knew that this is what I dream of doing.
and to top it all off, I have a road trip buddy who loves cranking the music and singing along and doesn't mind my howling. I haven't met many people that can let themselves sink into music, and be as touched and affected by a powerful piece as I can, but I finally did and I'm looking forward to our drinks and music night that we have to do soon :)
So yeah, it's been an amazing couple of weeks.... but I still want to talk about work and what's going on there, and this post is long, so I'll stop this one here
Thanks gang for making a girl feel welcome :)
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