It's been a very emotional week or so, not entirely sure when it started, but it crept up on me. I only noticed when I look back that I've shed tears almost each day. Most of the time I'm proud to admit, they are tears of happiness. I look back over my past, the struggles I've faced to get to where I am, and I find myself laughing and crying at the same time, and for those of you who have never done that, I have to say, it's a pretty amazing feeling.... one I've only really felt a couple of times before.... my wedding day... witnessing the birth of my god son.... but lately the happy-tears are entirely for me.
but sometimes the tears aren't happy... I still feel racked with guilt at times, like I need to apologize to someone for where I am now, for what I've gone through. You may say well, it's obvious, you feel guilt over Becca losing her husband... but no... I'm done with that guilt, I felt it for years, even before my transition, and I've said what I needed to say regarding that. Could it be that my father never wants to speak to me again?, hah, no, fuck him, he hadn't been a father to me since I was in my early teens and I made my peace with that a long time ago.
but today I figured it out
and I cried harder and longer than I have in many weeks, and I think something released. I still have more to deal with with respect to this person, but I finally know who the person is that I have wronged for so long, harmed, tortured, repressed.....
I was looking at my makeup-free face in the mirror this morning, marveling at the changes that have already taken place in my face. My jaw has softened, the lack of beard shadow makes an enormous difference, but I noticed today my cheeks are just a touch fuller (and I'm damn skinny right now), the muscles on my neck have shrunken and my neck looks longer and more slender. My hair is fuller than it has been in quite a while, and it too affects the curves of my face.
I opened up my wallet and pulled out my Medicare* card, the photo on it was taken in Nov 2008. I recall leaving work at lunch and waiting way too long in line to renew my card, and I wasn't feeling very great, so I looked kinda cranky and grumpy.
I hold the card up next to my mirror and flick my eyes back and forth between the two people in front of me. I look at the sparkle in my eyes, the little twists of happiness at the corners (I'm going to get crow's feet very quickly, and I'm so looking forward to it). I look at him in his picture, his eyes are dead. Fine, he was cranky and under the weather, but there was nothing in those eyes, just sadness, loss, regret.
If I didn't have Becca to keep me going those days, I don't know where I would have ended up.
The tears flood my eyes
I hold his face close to mine.... I realize he is gone... and not just recently departed... he's been gone for a while.
I say good bye, and I cry, but it doesn't feel right. This isn't new, and he isn't entirely gone, he is still me, inside, I'm still the same cocky bitch that I've always been, so I know the tears aren't because I'm saying good bye to him
so I put my thumb on his cheek.... and I stroke it... and I say what I've needed to say for so long.....
I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, all the years of pain, of shame, of doubt, of hate, of rage. I'm sorry for forcing you to carry me hidden your entire life, killing yourself slowly to give me my shell to hide in. I'm sorry you never entirely existed, and that I made you even hate your own name ever since you were small. And I'm sorry that even with all of that, that you have to go away in order to give birth to me, but you made me who I am today, and I'm beautiful
I'm sorry Philippe... good bye... and thank you so much.... I love you
*: government issued medical health insurance card