Saturday, 21 December 2013


Life has a way of handing you things when you need them. Life also has a way of handing you shit when you don't need it at all, almost like a temptation to keep fucking yourself over.

In my experience, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, especially the people who are supposed to be safe people for you, the better things become, and suddenly life can start handing you gifts. When you continue to repress who you are, you end up with people around you who aid in that repression, who, while appearing to be your friends, act as barriers towards your evolution.

I had a family for the past ten years that I thought loved me, and in a way they did, but they only loved the person they needed me to be, the angry, sullen, boy. I lied about who I was, which was my fault, but once the veil was lifted they demanded that those lies continue, but I wasn't able to hold them in anymore. They could not accept my happiness, my truth.

For a long time I thought losing them was punishment, but as difficult as it is, and as difficult as it continues to sometimes be (that fucking kitchen window) I have accepted that as much as it hurt and tore at me, it was a blessing. I could not have flourished while under their watchful, demanding, controlling, humiliating, conformist eyes. Even now I know that members in their family lie daily, trying to be OK, trying to show everyone that they are the same as they always were, that they are just the same as the rest, and they suffer for it, and unless they break those chains, they will continue suffering, their lies become them.

But as you become honest with yourself, and you start to show people your truth, life can reward you. You find yourself surrounded by people who encourage you to be you, who refuse to hold you back, and who will listen to your soul crying out in confusion and agony, and not judge you for it. They may not know or understand your specific needs, but they will do whatever they can to hold you through your storm, and try to give you everything they can, and if you start to once again evolve, and change, they will celebrate those changes, and not believe that it has anything to do with them. They will be your roots, your strength as you forge your new path, as you actually, for perhaps the first time ever, begin to live your life for you. Not for your family, or your religion, or your culture, or your boss, or your partner, or your children, but for you. Whoever you happen to be.

I recently got over an addiction that I have been ... enjoying?.... maybe not the right word, but it was fun for a long time.... anyway.... it's one that I have been dealing with for ten years now. In a surge of clarity, a couple of weeks ago now, I was done. Today I sat down to read the lyrics of an album of a group I recently discovered, and found that the words mirrored so many of the struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, including that addiction. It was my story, if I had read this a month ago, it *could* have been my story, but now, it actually is. It was a gift to me, to see my struggles mirrored in another, and from the way that the album culminates, I have hope that the one(s) who wrote this have succeeded as well in their journeys. Discovering this, at this moment, is a gift.


I've always loved to write, as I'm sure some readers can tell, yet it has always been a personal thing for me (yes I know blogs are public, but its not like I'm writing a column in the newspaper or anything). I've longed to write for a public audience, but always had fear that I wouldn't be good enough, my words wouldn't be "correct", and out of the blue I meet a man who gives me an opportunity to actually write so that people can read my words, just hands it to me on a silver platter, he wants me to share my views and experiences, and instead of being afraid of not being good enough, or him not liking my writing (even though he said he was blown away by my blog), I grabbed it, and I'm going to keep on it, I'm going to do this. Why did I meet this man now?, what made him contact me out of the blue at this exact time?, I'll never know, but I like to think that it's because I'm at a place where I can actually handle this challenge.


At the end of a tough day, which came at the end of a tough week, which came at the end of a tough month or three, when I had finally had enough of feeling that things were against me, I receive a completely random gift in my mailbox. A handwritten, personalized, thank you note, from an up-and-coming group in Europe that I have been following for a number of months now, just to thank me for writing such a glowing review of their work. Such a simple act can make the world a brighter place, can be a light in the darkness for someone. As always, the timing was superb. Another event, a message on a dating site, from someone who lives thousands of miles away, just to say "damn girl, you really seem like you're doing it right and I needed to tell you that, you seem like an awesome person", he would gain nothing from sending this message, and due to our geographical differences it's not like he's going to get a thank-you-screw out of it, but he did it, again, at the right time. A gift, a truly random gift.


I've always been a nerd, lets face it, I'm a huge bloody geek (D&D, M:TG, Doctor Who, BUFFY!!!!, Firefly!!!!, video games!, sorry, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings still both suck) and yet I never let that show in me, I kept it hidden from everyone who didn't know me well, and I'd try not to hang around with too many other nerds, I didn't want people seeing that, I didn't want to be judged, or seen as lesser than. I got over myself, and suddenly realized that I reallllllly like nerdy guys, and I'm going to be so proud walking hand in hand with one one day (hopefully soon....). No shame, no guilt, one of the greatest things about us nerds is that the strong ones aren't afraid to be seen different, aren't afraid of being our wonderful nerdy selves. And as luck would have it, I met a couple of them, and they're amazing, and I'm so proud of their nerdyness, and I can't wait to see one in particular again..... If I had met them even six months ago, I would have been afraid to even talk about them, like the person I want to be with isn't good enough in societies eyes, is too different, is too weird, but now?, oh lord do I love their strength, and find it mirrored in myself and I want to soak myself in it.


Live life honestly, and only you know if you're actually being honest or not, and yes, being honest with one's self is one of the most difficult things that one person can do, but I promise, if you do, you'll be rewarded, in so many ways. You probably don't even realize what is actually possible, I know I didn't.



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