I've talked about this before, and when I reviewed my old posts I was actually a little surprised to see that it was way back last September, while I was spending a month alone, for some reason I had thought it was a lot more recent....
it's funny, looking at my writing from just a few months back, how different the words I use are, how the concepts have shifted. I talk about presenting femme... I don't feel like I present anymore (as though the word present is something that I have to put forward), I simply am....
I've been out of commission for a good week now with my back being all screwed up, but in the past couple of days I've gone out briefly, run a few errands, mainly just to get out of the damn house. It's mind numbing to be stuck in an empty house all week... if I could sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time I'd even work!
I mentioned in my last post how I had gone out on Friday, but this time, with no wig, and how after my confidence was raised by the easy trip to the bank, I then went to the liquor store and the dep. The next day I did the same, I went to visit two of my lovely aunts so they could meet the new me, again wigless, and on the way home, I figured what the hell, lets do some groceries with this new look.... and again.... everything went great.
In fact, I find that I get less looks without my wig.... I've had the comment often that while my wig is gorgeous and does often pass for real hair.... it does make me stand out more, especially at the grocery store where NO woman would have hair that nicely put together. It's gorgeous.... but it makes me look a little fake.... and now with my kinda thinning but growing hair, I just look like a regular woman who is a little thin up on top.
anyway, back to today, hehe, today took the cake. Once again, I needed to get out, and I was putting off picking stuff up at Walmart cause... well.... thats a busy damn store and I still wasn't completely solid without my wig. But, as I've been doing lately, I grit my teeth and set off.
and as usual, after a whole 30 seconds inside the store, I forgot that I was doing anything out of the ordinary.... cause in reality.... I'm not. I'm just another woman out getting some stuff
after Walmart I hit another of my usual stores, nothing appealed to me, so I set my eyes on the one place that was still freaking me out..... the one place that I had been wanting to go to for a couple of days now.... the lingerie store. I had been there before, but with my wig, and with my forms which obviously gave me something to put into a real bra!, but now, no wig, only my little training bra on me, oof.... I had been dreading this.... I know I have every right to be in a place like that shopping, but I hate the idea of making other natal women uncomfortable in a place where they feel vulnerable
but a friend of mine had invited me over to her place for swimming and tanning.... and that had gotten me thinking about a bathing suit.... and that was something that I had told myself I would only be ready for in 2015.... and I figured I'd be able to find a good, full coverage, one piece suit that looks more like a mini dress... I know I can pull that look off....
so, I went in, browsed the bathing suits, and as usual, time just started slipping by and I immediately stopped worrying. I found myself in a cabin trying on about 15 different pieces, one piece suits, bikini's, wow. I stopped at one point when I found that I actually looked pretty darn good in the pink and orange bandeau top that I currently had on and almost cried. Look at where I was, how far I had come, and no one had given me a single double take, nothing. I was confident enough to call out for my sales girl, and send her across the store hunting for different pieces for me, poking my wigless head out of the curtain asking whoever was there to find me a bit of help, just being one of the girls.
and at the end of it all.... I bought a bikini.... me, a 35 year old trans woman, just eight weeks into her transition, bought her first bikini more than 2 years before the date she set herself to do so.
and it felt wonderful, and I look frakin AMAZING!!!!!
so I guess the wig is behind me. Just last week when I made the decision to up the date of my transition, I wrote, and told others, how I would be OK wearing my wig for another year or two until I was comfortable going without.... well..... if I can go without, in a packed lingerie store, and try on bikini's for an hour, and feel gorgeous and comfortable..... then I think I'm doing just fine without it.
This all bring us back to the line. Where is it?, is there still one?
I was chatting with Violet today after my shopping trip, telling her how I can't wait to go full time, and that I'm really not looking forward to going back to work because I have to "dress like a boy". She very astutely pointed out how my "dress like a boy" is only about 2 minutes of work away from my "dress like a girl" mode (seriously, for Dawn, take Phil, add foundation powder, eyeliner, lipstick, more jewlerry and a cute top.... done), so why did I still find it so difficult to "look" like a boy?.
that got me thinking... after all... I take off the unisex tshirt that I wear over my femme undershirt, and I look just like Dawn without the little bumps from her bra.... so why is putting that shirt on so painful for me?
its not the shirt... thats the thing.... its no longer the clothes because I wear mostly the same stuff. It's not the makeup, I wear makeup everyday. It's the fact that the way I look, the way that I present at work, people still assume that I'm a boy, and thats what pisses me off. To me, I'm the same person now every day, the line is gone, but to the rest of the world, the line is still there, and yes, the line is simply a touch of makeup (even without my bra bumps I pass) which will inform them just enough that I am female.
and there's that word again, present. Up top I said that to me presenting was something that you put forward.... and I used to present femme.... now on the other hand, I am femme, and for work I present male
I'm now a woman, that crossdresses, badly, as a boy, to go to work.... there's the truth of it all.... took me a while of typing and deleting to get that idea to form.... but there you have it.... and that's why "being" a boy for work is such shit
and that also answers the original question.... the line is essentially gone because there is nothing to put onto the other side of the line for me anymore.... even at work where I am still somewhat different, it's not that I'm faking it for others, it's that I don't open their eyes to who I really am, I let them keep that old identity of me, that mental image of me, complete in their minds. And as I open their eyes, person by person, they all see the same thing, that the person sitting across from them hasn't been Phil in a long time....
the line is now in the mind of those around me, it's no longer inside me, and even in their minds, the line is fading
In 43 days, it will be 10.45pm on Canada day, and I'll be due at my desk in about 11 hours... I'll wake up and put my makeup on, most likely my jean capri's, ballet flats, my regular day to day makeup, a cute snug top, my old pass with my old face and name that I'll be getting replaced the next day, and for the first day of the rest of my life, I'll finally live my dream and be myself for the entire world to see
I
can't
wait
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