A few days before Xmas now, feeling like ass with my typical too-stressed-out-at-the-end-of-the-year-cold, and things are about to get so busy that I may not get a chance, or even think of writing again before the end of the year. So its a good time to look back on what has happened.
But first, I just wanted to mention last night. An old friend of mine restarted her yearly xmas potluck dinners and of course invited me and Becca. After receiving the invite, I got anxious, didn't want to go, wasn't sure why, then it dawned on me (pun not intended), I didn't want to go as a guy.
We're going to be doing alot of family stuff over the break, we always do, and that's an environment where I still have to be a guy, and I'm not really looking forward to it to tell the truth. So the thought of going to a friends event, and this is a friend who has met and interacted with Dawn on a few occasions, and was one of the first to do so way back in 07, and having to be a guy at that event just got me so down, so sad, ugh. So I mentioned if it would be all the same if I came as Dawn, of course she said yes.
(In fact her hubby, a guy I've known for 15 years, told me that I am never to ask again if its "ok", I show up as I choose, after all, he doesn't ask permission to wear jeans to my place.... love this guy)
So last night I showed up alone, Becca was working a 12 and was beat, and it was awesome. I met some new people who didn't even blink at meeting a transwoman (I had a lovely chat later with a woman who had watched someone transition at work), their little boy fell absolutely in love with me and even grabbed my boob at one point. There was also one specific friend, a very good friend who only recently found out about me (a few months back), who got to meet Dawn for the first time. I noticed that he made a point not to use any names at all which I think was cute, but he seemed to be totally OK with it. It was a great night, I felt comfortable, people seemed comfortable around me (I think me being fairly social helps, if I was hiding in the corner being shy I think people would have felt differently around the trans person). I felt fine chitchatting with the boys over scotch, and I was accepted easily in the ladies circle chatting in the living room. A wonderful evening overall.
And its also a clear indication that yes, I am finally doing right by myself, good grief I can't wait to start....
Anyway, looking back, wow... this time last year i was just starting to feel good about myself en femme again, and now I'm counting the days to my first doctors appointment to check my levels, and make sure that my body can handle transition. I've even quit smoking, 23 years of almost a pack a day, done, December 2nd, 4:05AM, wild stuff.
Becca and I are doing better, its not easy, that's for sure, but we really are doing better. We are living with the idea that transition is soon, its guaranteed, its happening. We want to stay together, and I love her so much for that, and yes we are going to keep trying over the next 6 to 10 months to have a child, hopefully the cutting out tobacco will get my levels up enough to have a chance. Once she's pregnant, and things are looking good, or if the year just gets too long (at which point we will switch to IVF to conceive), I'll start on my own transition.
If I think the last year was a crazy ride, lol, having two hormonal women in the same house?, thaaaats gonna be interesting ;).
I also need to mention again the sheer amount of support I've received over this past year. Everyone has been awesome, they've accepted me, and once they meet Dawn they include me and love me just the same, if not more. Dawn exists now, not only because of all the steps that I have taken throughout this year, but also due to how everyone has taken her in, taken me in. It really is amazing.
I've even started using my real family name instead of the "Labelle" I've always used, it looks good, more than that, it feels right. Especially knowing that I have my father on my side, if he had shunned me completely, I think I would have changed my entire name, and not only my first.
I don't often say this, but I am looking forward to next year..... bring it on :D
Dawn
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