Hey, look at that, the world didn't end.
And there was much rejoicing....
And now for something completely different.
I have two competing things bouncing around in my head right now that I'd like to get out on (virtual) paper, so of course, I'm going to first talk about something completely unrelated to both of those. Has anyone out there heard of or seen the movie called C.R.A.Z.Y??, you HAVE to see it. The story itself is nothing particularily new, a coming of age story of a young gay man, from birth to early 20's, set starting in the 60's. It shows his birth, how different he was as a child compared to his 3 older brothers, how his father saw this softness early in him and started a war against it, again, the story is one that anyone interested in the GLBT (or is queer themselves) world has heard of time and time again, but the execution in this was gorgeous. I want to gush and gush, but I absolutely suck at describing why a movie touched me so much, I just know that it did. I may not be gay, but my story has tons of parallels with Zac's, there is a scene in which he is on his bike, holding his asthma inhaler, cursing his shortness of breath and he gives himself a challenge, an impossible one, to make it through the upcoming intersection on a red light with his eyes closed, and he tells himself that if he makes it, it means that he has beat his curse (the asthma is used as a metaphor for his homosexuality often throughout the movie). He repeats this godly challenge to himself later on, daring himself to walk home through an intense Montreal snowstorm, telling himself that if he makes it, all will be made right. I've lived this, I've done this exact thing, sometimes for my transness, other times just for my "otherness", and it struck me to see someone else having had that same line of though, knowing that this movie is in most part a true story (Nat has met the writer, so jealous!). Amazing stuff. Anyway, if you want to be touched, to laugh, cry, find this movie..... the only downside is that it is in (Quebecois) French which makes it a bit less accessible, but the subtitles are excellent (please don't watch it dubbed).
Ok, Dawn's shitty review done, back to what I wanted to chat about.
I told my therapist today about something I haven't talked about in a while.... doubt.
I know I'm transitioning, lets face it, it's happening, the days of being wishy washy about it, and trying to find that mythical middle path are behind me now, no more wasting time. But here's the thing.... late at night, when I've had a few, sitting in the dark playing a videogame, or watching Netflix, and my mind starts wandering, and I start questioning myself. What am I doing?, seriously?, I'm going to take hormones, grow boobs and hopefully hips, I want my face to change?, I've already lasered off my beard? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?11111
*pant pant pant*
But it usually passes, and it doesn't show up in the daytime, and is absolutely the last thing on my mind when I'm presenting femme, and if Becca wasn't asleep beside me and we were talking, I wouldn't think of it, and aside from these little late night doubt moments, I cannot wait to start hormones, hell, I'm even looking forward to transitioning at work, who the hell says that?.
We talked about it for a while, and well, what I'm feeling is kind of like having cold feet before a big life decision. She asked me how I had felt before other *big* things, like buying a house, getting married, graduating, or even being accepted to university, and I never really felt this type of doubt or uncertainty about any of those situations, and I believe the reason is that I had always assumed that those things would happen. They were certainties, they always had been. Sure I felt some stress during some, but since I knew I had to get through them, I just put my head down and went through. Transitioning on the other hand, well, I could drop it, throw everything away, the clothes, makeup, dreams, therapist, tell everyone that it was a mistake, etc. My friends would understand, people would still love me, life would go on, not the life I'd want, but it would be a life, barring potential future suicide attempts that seem to plague trans folk. This isn't inevitable, I could potentially survive not transitioning.... yes I realize it would be a shell of a life, truly one of survival, not one of living.... but regardless.... the fact that I could still survive makes this a choice to me.
and where there is choice, there is doubt.
...or something like that
don't worry, I'm still making the right choice
During the writing of this post I ended up having a lovely conversation with (dangit, what name did I assign her?... ah yes) Louise via Skype and now I'm up wayyyy past my bedtime and I'm supposed to go to the office tomorrow, and as a consequence I completely forgot the other thing I wanted to talk about, oh well, till next time happy shiny people