lies....

I’m a liar, a big stinky fat poopoohead liar

there, I said it

all my life I’ve extolled the virtue of telling the truth, I’ve counseled people to stop hiding needs from their partners, their loved ones, the world, and since I do kick quite a bit of ass as an armchair therapist, the ones that listen to my advice and actually follow it, are the better for it, always.

so why I do I keep my desires, my needs, in check.

fucking trans guilt, shame, self loathing, GAH!! <insert primal scream here>

...heres, the thing… I’ve prided myself on my solitude my entire life. I play the “lone wolf” role to a T, I know the words, the attitude, the mannerisms, I got it down pat, hell, I should as I’ve been playing the role most of my life. I’ve told people this about me, proudly, how I can handle anything solo, did most of my schooling with only a couple good friends, I didn’t need study groups, I didn’t need extra help, fuck that noise, I’m good enough / smart enough to handle everything ALONE.

What a load of bullshit….. what a load of self destructive bullshit

things are going badly with Becca and I, really badly. I don’t want to get into it on this blog too much, because I know a lot of people that know both of us well read this, and I don’t want to “air my dirty laundry” as it were. In another round of huge tearful talks yesterday, I made an analogy after she commented that I have created this whole new life on my own, or rather, that Dawn has.

I told her that yes, it is true that Dawn has created a new life on her own, not because she didn’t want Becca there, but because Becca wasn’t able, or wasn’t ready to be by her side. I described how all the steps that Dawn has taken over the past year, even though she was out there in the world alone many times (i.e., shopping solo, visiting the city solo, etc), she has never been alone. There is a huge cadre of people beside her almost every step of the way, my wonderful girl-friends, my online support, my therapist, even my male buddies who are confused, but very supportive and protective of me, all of these people are beside me every step of the way, either physically, or in spirit, and the path that Dawn has walked would never have been possible without all of these people. I also told her that while she hasn't been walking beside me the entire way, her support has always been there, at least I hope I said that, thinking back now, I'm not sure.

She on the other hand is still holding back, still scared to reach out for help, to get her own support. She needs safe people, she needs to let go of her own lone wolf persona, because in reality, we are so similar in that aspect. We both need to be strong, we both need to show the world we can stand alone, and take care of ourselves, but we’re both full of shit. 

in reality we’re weak…. but is that “wrong”?, is that “less than”?.... no…. that’s the whole thing….. that’s the secret….. being weak is being human…. real strength comes when we reach out to another weak person, which in reality is anyone because we are all weak!, and once we’ve reached out to that person, and connected with them, together, we can be just a little less weak, and then we connect with someone else, and the strength we receive from one person can lift us up, or we can pass that strength onto the next…..

being alone isn’t a sign of strength…. it’s a mask for not being able to deal with our weakness…. and by that extension…. for not being able to deal with our own humanity

Dawn's journey is far from finished, and she will never walk alone again, and thats why she is going to make it in the end, no matter what happens, she's gonna make it....