Weeks have a tendency to slip by once one hits a certain age
I'm less than a week away from finding out if I can safely deal with the medication that I'll be taking, for most likely the rest of my life, in order to transition. Next Wednesday to be precise.... wish me luck.
If all that goes well, I take a month to store a bunch of swimmers, and that's it, we're doing this, FULL SPEED AHEAD
Becca and I are calmer, the sadness is still there, we had a huge blowup recently but as usual, we needed it. We keep talking, and while we're not always getting somewhere, the talking continues, which is great. It's like we've taken a step back from us, and we're removing our expectations of what we should be, and examining how we've gotten here, the good and the bad. We're not having the same conversation over and over again anymore, we're moving somewhere, not sure where we're heading to, lovers, friends, sisters, memories..... but movement is required, change is unavoidable. We're trying to figure out who we now are, how do we connect, it's most definitely an experience.
My buddy .... I honestly don't think I've named him yet.... lets call him Homer, hehehe. Anyway, he made a comment the other night while chitchatting, how this summer, I won't be able to just take my shirt off to lounge around.
let me repeat that
this summer... when I'm hanging out outside, or god forbid, on a beach.... and I'm not wearing my wig and boobs and makeup or anything like that, I'm presenting as male as I can.... I will not be able to remove my shirt
I'll have breasts... probably not much, but enough to be noticable....
whoah
Since I've gotten skinny (I was at 230lbs back in 2k4, now that I write it, that's quite a while ago now, lol), you can't keep a shirt on me in the summer. I'm a sweaty son-of-a-... and the less clothes I wear in our sweltering Montreal heat the better... I'm really looking forward to wearing a dress this summer... not looking forward to wearing a bra / makeup / wig during those months, lol.
another cool thing thats been happening lately, upon the therapists advice (both of em actually), Saturday I am Dawn, period, no matter what we're doing, or just lounging around the house, I'm Dawn. A way to force us to get used to the new normal, see if we are OK, if we can adjust. Due to this I'm spending more and more time with friends as my new self, going out to a friend's birthday dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of people, hanging out with a good girlfriend and chatting over a bottle of wine, things like that.
During this time, I've been having fun asking people, who am I to you now?. Am I male still?, female?, somewhere in between?... I make sure they know that I truly don't care about the answer, I won't be upset if they don't say "oh hun you're all woman to me", which is obviously what I would love to hear :P.
From the guys, I get a fairly constant reply, which is (a) definitely no longer male, there is no "guy" left in there other than the amount of "guy" a woman has who can hang around and spend time with men as well as women.... but (b) not all female yet.... they see me going in that direction, but I'm just not there yet.
The girls on the other hand seem to have fully accepted me as part of the gang... as it were. A very good friend of mine, Jenny (gonna have to see if I've named her...), made an interesting observation when I asked her... she said how now, when she is around me, she is truly herself. When I asked what she meant, she said that prior to spending time with Dawn, when she hung around me and Homer (we've all known each other for quite some time), she would put on her "boy shell" and slightly alter how she acted, spoke, discussed things, just to flow better with the guys. Now, with me, she no longer feels the need to put on that shell, and due to that, I am a woman, dangly bits or no, I'm a woman.
Another girlfriend recently said "I think seeing you as a guy would just be weird now".... lol... and this is a chick I dated briefly way back in the day, and was one of the best men for her wedding to her hubby which was only 2.5 years ago!, heheheh.
So yeah, things are progressing, quickly, looking forward to seeing what is coming next....
Take care all,
Dawn
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