Introspection....

What am I getting myself into?

My emotions have been all over the place lately, understandable sure, but its still a tough ride. I’m switching between “what the fuck are you doing?!” and “I want my anti-androgens / injections / name change now noW nOW NOW NOW!!!!!”.

I’m picturing myself as a woman, well, as a trans woman, ok, not quite right, a person who will appear as though they wish to be addressed as a woman and accepted as a woman but is…. something else. After all, while transsexuality is definitely a hot topic right now, the vast majority of people have never given it more than a few moments of thought. Even here in liberal, cosmopolitan, open and friendly Montreal, I find myself giving Trans 101 lessons to random folks fairly often, sometimes its friends, other times it’s the lady at the counter who is just oh so interested in me. I’m not complaining mind you, I love educating and sharing my story, but it is a constant reminder that I will be, once this is all over, still considered as something “other”, something “different”, something of a curiosity.

It’s a scary thought… and I’m starting to really understand down to my core the attractiveness of going stealth.

Even if I never have a truly negative experience, I never get assaulted, I never get harassed, I never feel discrimination, things work out with Becca and I, or alternatively, they don’t and I actually manage to find another to love me as much as I love them, even if all this “good” stuff happens and none of the “bad” stuff ever happens…. that look of curiosity, surprise, confusion, just the fact that the look is there will be something that I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Even those that treat me wonderfully, make no pronoun mistakes, they still have that look in their eyes at first, and lets face it, 95% of people that we interact with don’t actually know us as people, they’re never given the time to learn about who you actually are. They see a man, they put the man in a little box in their mind filled with assumptions about what a man of that look / age / style / race / etc actually are and treat them as such, and barring outright racism or classism or sexism, the result is usually fine for those little encounters. Same thing when someone sees a woman…. but when someone sees a transsexual?, they don’t know what assumptions to make, they don’t know how to fit a person like me into one of those ‘boxes’, its clear to people like me, that they don’t know what to do.

Again, I’m not complaining that they don’t know, we are still a relatively new phenomenon when it comes to mass exposure and education about what we are (of course I realize that trans folk have always been a part of the human story, but we don’t have an automatic part in this society like the Two Spirit folk would in Native American societies), and I am happy to teach, but will this become my job?, will I be explaining myself to people the rest of my life?, can I handle that level of scrutiny, and, possibly, judgement?.

I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately, looking for Dawn when I wake up, when I get out of the shower. Sometimes I see her, strangely enough, I see her a lot more clearly when I smile (happy girl, sad boy, happy girl, sad boy, lol), but often I just see a sad looking man. I know makeup will make him vanish and bring her out, but the makeup won’t always be there, I will interact with people, as a woman, with my naked face, and how will that feel?, what will that look be that they give me, my male face, and my female body. My first laser hair removal session is coming up fast and I have to admit I’m scared, partly because this is the first really permanent step I’m taking, and my beard was an enormous part of my male identity for a large part of my life. I’m also scared because I really want the removal to (a) go well, (b) not leave me with scars or pigmentation problems, and the real reason, (c), that it may not make a damn difference in the feminization of my face, or of my look. When I look for Dawn in the mirror in the mornings, I can see her in my eyes, I can see her in my smile, in the lines my face takes when I smile, but the jaw, the stubble, the shadow destroys her image. I’ve put very high hopes on what this procedure will do for me, and maybe I’m simply scared of it letting me down.

I just got off the phone, my laser appointment was supposed to be next Tuesday (6 days away), now, its in 24 hours….. 

…. And that’s strange…. I’m feeling less scared.... apprehensive yes.... its difficult to explain

I used to feel often that this whole thing was a boulder I had to strain against to make any headway, now I almost feel like the boulder is getting away from me and I need to slow it down, like I’m being taken on a ride. I think of actually starting hormones, and that could be as soon as 6 months away. I think about my body changing, right now I’m looking at doing my social transition after my body has caught up a bit, basically, when I can’t hide my new body anymore….that could be only 12 to 18 months away, and at this age, a year and a half is nothing, that goes by in the blink of an eye. So in less than 2 years, Dawn may be walking into the office.

Feels far away, but it’s not, it’s right around the corner, it’s essentially here. 

Am I ready?