Since the 25th I've:
Reconnected with an old friend, one of those people that may not have been there for long, but they made a huge impact on your life, and have their own little place reserved just for them in your heart. Quick in and out at a mall, walk down to a cool little Korean place, dinner, as if the past 20 years just weren't there. Felt great, comfortable. She doesn't know that going to well lit sit down restaurants while en femme (and not in the village) is very new to me, and one of those things I'm actually quite scared of and I've only done once before. Didn't let it show, shoulders back, tits out, get it done, never gave it a second thought. Wonderful conversation, made plans to see Rocky, relived the old, discussed the new, things with Becca and I, her and her wonderful Greek. She told me on the way back to the car that I too was an important person to her in her life, after all, we were 14 when we met, those are long and memorable years, I was the first 'guy' she was ever friends with.... she looks at me a little crooked.... 'well, maybe you weren't eh?', heh.
We're walking along the street, this travelling musician (i.e., some older dude wandering down the sidewalk holding and strumming an acoustic) walks by us... we hear strumming from a ways behind.... two cute young things pass ahead of us quickly being cute young and giggly, you know what I mean.... suddenly the strummer is back!, he passed by us again, strumming after them with a big dumb grin on his face. Ahhh, Montreal..... but why did I write all this?, here's the cool and slightly surreal part. Nat* and I have "our song", and in all honesty, none of my girlfriends (of the romantic variety) have ever been music nerds like I am and Nat was (tut tut tut), so she is the only person out there that I even HAVE a song with. And our weird Mr Strummer came right on by strumming out the opening bars to just that very song, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.
Seriously disappointed and upset Becca due to me being blind to her needs and all in all, pretty selfish. I was on a high again, and it had been such a long time, and I let my needs get in front of a serious need of hers. The shittiest thing is that it was such an amazing time for me, and such a terrible time for her.... and I made it worse. My therapist saw how much I was beating myself up over this and said that transitioners kind of have to be a bit selfish, 'yeah, but not like that' I replied, she dropped it, I was right.
Becca told her mother the truth about me.
Had an amazing girls night out with Becca, Nat, and Isabelle at Rocky.
Was told by Becca that she wants a divorce.
Played pretend in front of the family, yes all is good, la la la la.
Nat posted an entry on one of her blogs about me and our outing to Rocky, which I've read oh, at least 15 times now. Yes she writes beautifully and I've always enjoyed her work (did I mention she's a journalist?, pretty cool eh? :), but there is something pretty amazing seeing someone else write about me and my journey in their own words. It really feels like a gift to me, if you're interested please click here.
Becca and I talked and talked and talked and talked
She's still having no luck finding a therapist, its getting frustrating....
She decides that she can do it, she can handle starting a family and watch me transition and go on with life together.... I look in her eyes.... neither of us believe it
I cried through most of my therapy session..... still felt good
Visited my inlaws on the way home to talk. It hurt. They don't blame me for being trans, I felt more love and understanding from them in an instant than I have from my own mother over all of this, they're just sad for Becca. Things slipped out a couple of times, I know that her mom is mad at me, she knows she can't really blame me for being this way, but she is still hurt, her children truly are her life. And them being who they are, they truly do consider me one of their own children and always have, yet it took this for me to finally feel it, I feel so stupid, so ungrateful. I think what scares them the most is us separating, me going off to find a husband, and just Becca being sad. Leaving Becca was never a goal in my mind, it was the biggest price of all that I may one day have to pay in order to find my true peace, and its one I still may have to pay in order for her to find hers.
Between sobs, I asked them if they would accept me, accept us, if we were able to stay together and I transitioned..... they looked at me almost surprised, both of them did, and I could read it in an instant that NOT accepting me, had never once crossed their minds. Her father looked at me, and he was having trouble looking at me up to that point, and said "we just want you to be honest".....
Fuck me, was that one of the biggest mistakes of them all, waiting until the end to tell them, not doing it at the beginning?..... that never crossed my mind up until now.
I started off by saying that this was one of the best and one of the worst couple weeks in my life..... but after re-reading this before posting it, I realized something...... yes alot of tough stuff happened, and yes, I guess Becca and me may not even last the year, and this was all spurned on by the events of the past year, now culminating in this final end game (dramatic much?), but there isn't anything actually bad here. I'm trans, simple as that, yes I'm almost 35, and hell yes I should have dealt with this ten years ago, but if I don't deal with it now, when?, 45?, 55?, fuck... no.
'night
* I'm breaking my own rule at using a real name, as I'm linking to a blog she participates in, and her real name is there, not much point in masking it here.
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