Hi all, Dawn here, as of writing I'm almost done with my 34th year of life, and its been an interesting year to say the least.
This (writing a blog) is something that I've kicked around in my head for a while now, usual procrastination and thoughts of "oh why bother" had always kept me back and unmotivated, but I find myself needing to get some of my thoughts down somewhere semi-permanent (ok, I dont think Google is going anywhere anytime soon, lol) which hopefully will help me remember how I got to.... whereever I end up going!, lol. I dont know if anyone other than a close friend or two will read this, but if you find yourself here, welcome to my little nook of the net, feel free to drop me a line if you like, ill reply to any (respectful, not hateful) post or message sent my way.
So, a little back story, I'll write full posts on parts of my past later on. Again, I'm sure its a story you've all heard many times before, and if you are a trans person, you may have lived it yourself. I had knowledge of being 'different', of feeling like a girl from a very young age, I have memories of tweaking my clothing to make it look girly and staring at myself in the mirror from the age of 5. Puberty was hell in many ways, I recall waking up from dreams in which I was becoming a little girl and checking my body under the covers the second I awoke, when I saw that I didn't have little breasts growing, and I still had my willie, I was crushed, day after day waking up crushed, I don't have to tell you how much that sucks I'm sure. I went through the usual closeting, hiding it from all the girlfriends I had until they eventually found out (like is ALWAYS guaranteed to happen, it may take a year, it may take 20, but a loved one will always find out), until I was strong enough to come out to a woman only a few weeks into our relationship. And guess what?, she married me, confused trans and all she married me, crazy eh?, I know, lol.
So now we've been married for 2 years, and while we have our ups and downs like any married couple, we love each other madly. She has always been OK with the trans.... to a certain extent..... let me explain. See, when I came out to her it wasn't "I'm a crossdresser and I'll never go further than that", I tried to be as honest as I could which meant that yes I was a crossdresser, but I've always felt that it was something more than that. I never hated my male body (except for the hair, ugh!), and I never felt that I was a woman trapped in a mans body, but I always felt like I should have been born female, that inside I'm more than half female, I wouldn't be surprised if I turn out to be XXY (going to find out soon enough). Anyway, so yes, she is supportive, she sees how when I allow myself to be myself that I'm happier as both a guy and a girl. She encourages me to get out, comes with me often (although she is quite happy I'm making my own friends now), helps me with makeup and outfits, after which she steals half of my clothes, and tells me that if I do end up transitioning that she will support me. And here is where the mindfuck comes in, she would support me in transition, while she is completely cisgendered she empathizes with our struggle, and would never want to force me into a male shell if it really is wrong for me, but she is a straight woman, and at this point in time she can't see herself with a woman or as part of a lesbian couple, so we both know that if I do go down that path that it will most likely be the end of us. I can't fault her in the least for feeling this way, I really can't, I try to put myself in her shoes and I can't say for sure that I would stay if the situations were reversed.
It kills me that the person who has supported me the most will be the person the most hurt if her support helps bring me to transition. I hate that, I really really hate that.
So that brings me up to now. I'm getting out and about as often as I can, enjoying it immensely, making connections and friends in the local trans community, really building that support circle that I've been missing for so long. I'm also waiting for a certain therapist to come back from vacation so I can book my first appointment with her. She is a therapist that specializes in transgendered issues, and is one of the "gatekeepers" in Montreal with the power to provide the letters and testimony that a trans person needs in order to be allowed access to horomones, legal changes, and surgeries, so yeah, if I am destined for that life, she will be the one to lead me there.
Until next time, thanks for dropping by, take care all