Tough day

Yeah, today wasn't easy, I can guess at a few reasons why but.... well.... bleh, I'll just write

This is my first day that I've really spent alone, entirely, no work, no friends (well, none face to face), some online chatting with friends, but that's it. Not sure why I decided to do that today, well, OK, I'm leaving on a business trip to Halifax tomorrow, a short one just for a week (and I have to be back for the 22nd anyways so it's guaranteed just for a week), so I was supposed to pack today, didn't.

only did one load of laundry

took 3 hours for myself to watch a movie I had been wanting to watch for a long time.

wrote, chatted, felt lonely even though I really shouldn't

talked to my mom for an hour, that felt good, she gave me the time to cry and be sad and miss Becca, but we also managed to chat about more mundane things which is good as well. Can't always be serious

it's not that I haven't missed Becca, I have, I do, but today it was really tough.

see, the movie I watched today is about a couple, in which after 2 years, the guy flips out and blurts out that he needs to be a woman. It's the story of their life, how they fight to stay together, try to fight the world, lose touch, rejoin, all over the space of ten years, and it's a beautiful story. It's called _Lawrence_Anyways_, and like the last flick I talked about, is also Quebecois french (but the subs are quite decent, again, original language is always better, regardless of if you understand it).

I've been sitting on this movie since last November. Nat had offered to watch it with me, and in retrospect, I probably should have waited for some quality time together before doing it, because yeah, it was tough. Nat and her Greek had also warned me that Becca probably shouldn't watch it, and they were right. She didn't want to watch it regardless, she was afraid that it would tell her how to think about me, trans, everything, and she didn't like that.

of course watching it got me thinking about us, the what-if's, the could-a-been's. it got me missing that contact of having her close, having her beside me, usually asleep while I watched the second half the flick she passed out in the middle of. it just got me hurting

Coupled with leaving tomorrow for a week in the field, thankfully there are others out there including a guy I really do feel safe with, and in fact, I'm going to have to tell him about myself quite quickly, I'm not going to be OK out there without anyone in the know, don't ask why, it's important to me. Anyway, couple all the sadness that the experience of watching that movie brought me, and the fear that travelling with no one really at home waiting for me, yeah, that will make for a tough day.

I really should have spent the day with friends, even though I see the same people quite often, that's not bad is it?, they're always happy to see me. Like Violet said, that's what proper friendship is, you can lose touch for a while, but not be upset by it, and when your lives allow you to reconnect (or you find the strength to reach out), you do, and it's all good. Chucky would have been happy to see me again, even though we are spending quite a lot of time together lately

so I'll just have to reach out while I'm gone if I need to, and not reach out to Becca, I can't put that stress on her, although I think she would enjoy a quick "hi" once or twice. I think she's going to worry a bit for me, even though she will try to stop herself, I think she'll do it regardless.

and like Andrea told me yesterday (seriously wise for a 24 year old), when she at first told me that if I needed some support that she would promise to be there for me, and then she cut herself off, and said "actually, I can't promise that, because I really don't know if I would be able to be there for you at that exact point in time, and there is no way I'd ever want to let you down, but if you need to, reach out to me, and if I can, I'll be there for you"... I finished her thought for her: "you'll never not be there for me, but sometimes, you won't be available, and in that case, I reach out to someone else, because I do have people who are there for me". She smiles as she sees that I get it.

and I'm rereading this now, and as usual I didn't really go anywhere with it, and the music I'm listening to is calming me, and I feel better. Nothing has changed, I have no concrete reason to feel better, I still miss Becca enormously (I had to reach out to her, so I sent her a FB message telling her I missed her, which knowing her she will get in a week, so I know there is no chance I brought her down today), I'm still heading out into the field tomorrow, I'm gonna be scared, but I'll be OK.

deep breath girl

deep breath