Monday, 15 April 2013

Cyclical meanderings pt 2.......

So, one day down, four or five more to go

like I mentioned, I'm out in Halifax right now on business, and for me that means running around a warship fixing and setting up equipment.... yeah, I know. A trans woman working on a warship, this is gonna be interesting after transition....

Flying out here was tough, and as soon as my buddy picked me up at the airport, I told him what was going on with Becca and I, as well as me being trans (50 y/o guy bear in mind). The conversation went well, he is cool with it and very supportive, and it made me feel better that someone out here knew about me.

I really really wanted to call Becca last night, but I didn't. I played a game of scramble against her, sad, but it feels like the best way to have some contact with her

so I called my mom, talked with a good girlfriend online a bit, then settled into bed, trying my hardest not to think that deadly thought..... "what if you can't sleep tonight"

but I did, took me an hour of tossing and turning, and that's with my anti anxiety pill in me, but I slept

and when I woke up at 3 am, I fell right back asleep, so that's definitely positive

I told another of the guys that I'm working with about me today, he didn't even blink, this is a 53 y/o guy..... he told me that what I'm doing, slowly telling people here and there, is a great idea. He worked at a place where a 6'4" guy transitioned into womanhood completely out of the blue, full macho one day, skirts heels and hose the next. It was definitely a shock, but even with that person, after a couple months, everyone had forgotten

Even though I'm more in boy mode than I have been in months, good grief people here are staring at me.... I wonder if I'll get stared at as Dawn, or will I simply vanish.

I keep thinking about Becca

this time last year, we were in Victoria together while I was on business (same job as I'm doing here, just other coast). She came out to visit me for 5 days, which is something we had wanted to do for years with my trips.

It was our last, really, really, good time together....

why were we always fighting?, why were we always so flustered and frustrated with each other?, how can someone love another so much, and be so aggravated with them at the same time?

did we both always know where it would all end up?, were we reacting to an inevitable future?, or were we creating it?

what the fuck happened to us?!...

when did it start to fall apart?, was it before, or after I went back in the closet. Was that the cause, or an effect

Becca once accused me of creating my hernia, and my mono, by being too stressed out. And I think she may have a very valid point. The last time I went out before locking myself away was after the summer of 2008, and I got floored by mono at the beginning of 2009 right after a stressful Xmas. Again, during Xmas time the next year, I get a massive S5-L1 hernia which knocks me out of commission for a couple months.

during all those years, she would ask me, "why don't you dress anymore, you know it makes you happy", but even as she asked, I could see the fear in her eyes. I'd try to actually talk to her about it, and it made her uncomfortable and sad and I would get the deer caught in the headlights stare.

I couldn't forget that even though she supported me, and helped me shop, and helped me learn makeup, and find myself, that each time that she did it, she had a sad look on her face. The corner of her mouth would quiver sometimes. I wasn't used to having someone work on my eyes so when I would flinch, she would get angry at me and frustrated. She tried to wax my back a couple of times and it always ended in red hot anger on her part out of frustration.

and not once was she happy and care free when we went out as girlfriends.... not once. If we met up with people, she would smile, and laugh, and appear to have fun, but the second it was just the two of us, all that dried up and she went back to being quiet, frustrated, angry....

I'd get angry at her for acting that way, then tell myself that I shouldn't be upset, after all, look at all that she is doing for me..... and putting up with......

I don't know where this is going.... fuck it

* post edited for sensitivity

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