Wednesday, 17 April 2013

I'm drunk

and all I really wanna say is

when your filters are destroyed by substances, whatever substances stops the acting, you can get a glimpse of who you are

I was looking at myself in the mirror.... im on business, so I'm boy'ing it up for sure, but for me that means wearing my boy leather jacket instead of my women's peacoat.... and well.... thats about it

so I'm looking at myself, wearing my 3/4 sleeve top, tights which I always wear cause I removed the CK jeans I was wearing, no makeup, just my growing hair and my earrings and bracelets.....

and I see who I am

and I've never been a boy... no matter what else.... I'VE NEVER BEEN A BOY

that smile which I ran from for years, I can't put it away, even when I cry, and am feeling hopeless, when I see HER in the mirror, I smile

simple as that

I applied my estrogen patch today since it's wednesday, while I was sober mind you, and I couldn't wait to put it on, in fact, I had to stop myself from replacing my patch this morning cause on wednesday's, I replace it in the evening (sunday is morning time)

when I allow myself to be me....

I am me.....

and I see myself, regardless of what I'm wearing, or not wearing, or padded, or not padded, it doesn't matter

I see me

and I smile

I can't help but smile... even when everything else around me is falling apart, and I can't see the future.... I smile


so rare for me that smile

Becca told me she wasn't in love with me anymore on March 27th of this year, a few minutes after I had swallowed my spiro, and applied my patch

and I died, even though I knew, I died inside

and it hurt

and I couldn't say anything for two hours

which if you know me is quite surprising........

but I couldn't

then I left to see a friend, on a flimsy pretense, but I had to go, I had to be happy for me, for what I had accomplished that day, even though MY ENTIRE LIFE AS I KNEW IT WAS ENDING

I sat in the car, put it in reverse, cried, looked at DAWN in the mirror, and smiled

and I felt like SHIT for being allowed to smile

but I did


and even though the tears are daily, and the pain is constant, and I don't know how I can keep going sometimes without everything I've lost

I look at myself, DAWN, in the mirror.... makeup or no.... clothes or no..... I see HER..... I see me

and I smile

love you

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