Tuesday, 2 April 2013

it had to happen.....

Becca and I are through, in reality, me taking my first spiro and applying my first Estradiol patch was the final nail in the coffin, it just took two more days to actually come out.

We spent the entire day on Friday talking, crying, questioning, we probably got six month of closure taken care of. We slept in each other arms exhausted that night, and just started fresh the next morning. It was heartbreaking, it still is.

An old friend of mine who has recently come back into my life in a wonderful way had me and a couple friends over to celebrate my new beginning in starting HRT. Only a couple people came by, of course I start all of this on Easter weekend, but it was really nice to have some close friends there with me. Of course it was bittersweet with the news, but we still managed to have a lot of laughs.

Got home and found her there, in our bed, sleeping. I watched for a while before going downstairs to watch TV. Spent the night with her again.

I spent the day today, Easter by the way, with a buddy of mine, one of the same that was there last night, went with him to a friend of his' place, met some new people, played with one of the girls' 6 y/o daughter, she held my hand back to the car, and I could have died from the pain, from the loss of holding my goddaughters hand, the sweet little girl that lives across the street from me but feels like she is a million miles away.

See, I've mentioned before how Becca's cousin is the person I've known the longest in my life that is still a part of my life. I must have mentioned how her husband was also my best friend since, at least 2004, thats going on 10 years now, even though we haven't been as close the last couple years. I was part of their family, their parents knew and loved me, I was invited to xmas gatherings, family birthdays, I was one of the only ones to stick it out the entire time at the birth of both their children, I took their son's first picture, these people were my real honest to god family.....

..... and not a one of them has reached out to me to see if I'm doing OK with all of this.

Becca is blood, so her needs win, and in all honesty, ever since Becca and I started dating, I haven't felt as much part of their family, I felt like someone to "watch out" for, like they had to take care of soft fragile little Becca, and big queer me was capable of destroying her. I could hang out with twenty other people, all of them would consider me family, yet I'd feel completely alone. Becca always assumed it was me being pissy, being whiny, after all, they must all love me and care for me. She keeps telling me that they miss me, that they ask about me, yet when I see them, why won't they talk to me about what's going on, why won't they pick up a bloody phone, and send me a text.....

it feels like I was proven right, that they really didn't give a shit about me, I was always a convenient friend.... I don't want to feel that way, I really don't, and even though it will never be like it was, cause in all honesty I think a trans woman makes them uncomfortable to a certain extent, but I would like to not lose them entirely from my life.

So I've lost Becca, and I've lost a big part of my family, even though I never felt quite right with them, it felt good knowing there were people there, and not just people, but "normal' people, people who simply aren't prepared to deal with someone like me

I think Becca was my last chance at "normality"... and I hate the word normal, its meaningless, yet people will kill each other over what they consider "normal" to be.

I wanted that life with a wife, kids, pets, house, all that regular stuff, and I wanted to fit in, and I wanted people to look at me and say "hey, he's got it going on!", even if I played dress up from time to time, and had queer friends, and did unusual things, I could still float through the world as a most-of-the-time normal person

I see those people with the normal families, and normal problems, but who always seem to stick together no matter what, and I need that, I've never felt that I had that. That is an incredibly powerful need, so powerful that you will suppress parts of yourself just to fit in, just to keep that feeling of family, even as you come to realize that its not true, because they don't know you, because due to fear, you've never really let them in. You know everything about them, you can help them with anything, but you never let them see you, and when you do, you are so uncomfortable that they become uncomfortable for you, or just that they simply are uncomfortable around folks who are different, and folks who are suffering. Or maybe theyre just scared of me, scared of hurting me, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and when someone hurts me, I don't know how to let them in again all the way

I build up a wall. I force away those who love me, because they hurt me, but doesn't everyone hurt the people they love?, I sure as hell do, and sometimes people forgive me. There are people I've forgiven, but I gotta admit, it does take a lot, or simply a lot of time. I railed and fumed a couple weeks ago when I found out that someone close said some hurtful things about me, yet I say the exact same shit about her, of course I have a way to justify it to myself, but it's not like I've talked to her about it to see exactly what the truth is, I just got angry and shut off..... cause well, it is easier after all isn't it..... and that feeling of loneliness is something that has always been familiar to me.... and we unconsciously search for what is familiar, whether it is healthy for us or not

Even up above, where I said (whined) that "it feels like I was proven right", I'm pulling the same bullshit, I'm feeling hurt, and that's fine, and that's valid, and I'm allowed to be hurt, just like they're allowed to be hurt about the whole thing, cause they are sad, and since they've watched us from the beginning, and her cousin made sure I was honest with Becca about who and what I am, and never wanted her cousin to hurt like this, and hates me for it, and I have to be able to accept that for a while, and that it's her right, even though being trans isn't my fault, and it's not all my fault that I couldn't accept myself until now, and that I don't deserve hate or anger. We're all entitled to our feelings, be they right or wrong, justifiable or not, just like we're allowed entitled to say "enough" and do what is best for us......

man, it hurts to see all the stupid crap I've pulled over the past years, just like I know it hurt Becca to realize all the various stupid and shitty things that she pulled, both of us primarily from fear. We realize that if I had been strong enough to transition back in '07 or '08 when I started to feel that pressure (which I ignored and took to be pressure at fitting in with the transwomen at the support group), and / or if she had been strong enough to really embrace Dawn without being afraid of what could happen (and yeah, if she had embraced her back then, maybe I would have found the strength, instead of having to hit rock bottom to become strong enough), maybe we wouldn't have gone through all of this pain, and we would have found a way to be together, either as partners, or as sisters...

and it really sucks that we can see all of this now, and that we can't wave a magic wand and say "ok, pain gone now", and make it work, or just be close friends.... there is a hole inside each of us that we used to fill for each other, and that's ok for couples to do, but the hole that we were filling isn't one that should be filled by someone else. We are both missing a base, me a lot more than her, but she has the same void that is looking to be filled inside her, and we did that for each other, and it was wonderful, and beautiful, and felt oh so good, but since we were both unhappy at our core's, we poisoned everything.

right now, I want her to remain in my life. The women I was with for almost 7 years a lifetime ago is still somewhat partially only kinda in my life, but that's OK, I think for me and her that's enough, but with Becca, I want more, I need more. I don't want to lose my family, not necessarily her parent's and all those folks even though I miss them to death, but the people who I felt loved by for years before I even met Becca. I don't want to lose any of them, and while I realize I may be full of crap right now and just trying to hold on to her, I really think that since Phil will cease to be (he already has in all honesty), it will be possible, and they'll stop seeing him, and only see her, and maybe it'll be OK.... just like Becca, she looks at me and tells me that she is happy for me, and I know she is telling the truth, and maybe she'll be able to look at me like that without the pain, without the loss... I'd love that.... for the past few months we in all honesty haven't felt like a couple, we've felt like girlfriends, and when I forget about what we used to have, it feels really good, is it wrong that I want to keep that feeling?

anyway, I know I'll keep writing, and keep talking, and I know at one point I'll be OK, it just hurts....

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