A word caught inside my throat, spinning in my mind, sneaking out here and there
Unknown if it is caught, heard, noticed
familiar, yet..... new in many ways
so many new feelings, experiences, some built on the old, some.... not
I can't always tell when a need is true, or manufactured.... part of truth.... or part of old expectations
does the word want to appear due to insecurity?, due to wanting that illusion of control... no.... not control.... guarantee?, even though we all know nothing is guaranteed
I enjoy each day, each moment, as it should be
each moment is the only real thing there is in reality.... the past is history and the future is a mystery as they say
no matter the words said, the promises exchanged, it carries no guarantee, no certainty, those are all illusions, dreams, hopes to stay in the now, the now that is so beautiful
my now has changed so much in the past year, my certainties, the promises, the should-have-beens, all dashed against the rocks
so does it make sense for the word to surface?.... I know what is real right now, what will it do?.... I feel that word in every interaction, yet speaking it..... oh lord.... what will it bring with it?
yet it does surface, and it shall continue to do so
.... and once it is said..... which it eventually will be....
what will happen then?
but of course now, I am looking to a future I want, and again, how many of my wants are true, and how many are borne out of fear and a need to hold on to the now?, or even to recreate the path that I had struggled for for so long.... it's said that life is what happens while plans are being made and worked towards
I know how destructive living for the future can be.... been there, done that, doesn't work
but the word.....
just perhaps..... it doesn't need to carry anything more than the feeling that is the now. The now is the only real truth after all
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, so if in the now, the word is true, then why not share it aside from the obvious fear that it will change the now, confuse the now, yet it is part of the now, in every touch, every look, every message
is it real
and I'm holding it in.... I should know better by now not to hold things in