Friday, 21 February 2014

Another ending, another fork

I fell in love with you because you treated me like gold, except when you weren't being distant and grouchy, which I now understand was you avoiding talking about things we should have been talking about.
I wish you hadn't shown me your family and travel albums so early, and let me into your private life so easily. That you hadn't shown me your childhood video's the day after you supposedly wanted to pull the reins on everything. I wish you had never mentioned taking me to Argentina one day, which you said less than a month after we had been seeing each other. That you hadn't told me I was being silly for asking if I could spend the night, that I should assume I'm always welcome. That you hadn't shown how caring and observant you were by getting me that yoga mat. That you hadn't kept saying that it sucked that we were so far apart because you wanted to see me all the time. That you hadn't given me your keys, christ I wish you had never done that so early, that's a huge step in any relationship and we obviously weren't ready for it. That you hadn't become so affectionate with your text messages at random times, you have no idea how much those lifted my heart, and when you disappeared and ignored my messages, how much it confused and hurt me. I wish that after I told you that i was in love with you that you were honest with me about how you felt, or at least not made love to me for three fucking hours while telling me how lucky and happy you felt to be with me while you were inside me. I wish you hadn't taken me to incredibly expensive restaurants. I wish you hadn't gotten me the absolute perfect Valentine's gift, all the while you were thinking of ending it, ending us.
I wish you had said "Dawn, I need time to think about everything, lets talk or lets take a weekend off OK?".... funny thing is I wasn't even going to see you this weekend, too busy.
To me, these are actions of someone who loves me, maybe not yet fully, maybe they don't know it yet, but this is love in action. I learned a long time ago not to pay too much attention to words but to listen to actions, and that is what you were telling me.
In the beginning I tried to never assume anything, that we were a full couple, that I was always welcome, that you wouldn't be there to miss me when I go on a business trip, and each time I voiced it you told me to stop being silly. If you were never sure, why lead me on?
When I told you I loved you, I knew this was soon for you, I knew you were still scared of me being nothing more than a rebound for you, but I was so completely OK, more than OK, I was happy, more happy than you realize at the way you responded to me, I was never expecting a giant "I love you too" back from you. I knew you weren't there yet, but I couldn't hold it in any more, I was getting sick from ignoring the way I felt, and I needed you to know, that's how I am, I can't hold things in, because every time I have in my life I have regretted it. I'm having a really hard time not blaming myself for the way this turned out, that I should have waited, that I should have backed off, but how could I?, how could I with the relationship that we had built together.
How could I not fall in love with you?
I'm further along the healing path than you are, and yes, I know what I want, or at least right now I think I do but for me, that's good enough, the only way to really find out if what you want is true is by living it, and doing it, and that's what I was doing. I love the routine, especially that what we had wasn't really a standard boring couples routine, hell, we only saw each other once or twice a week. We did our own thing, had our own interests, as well as our shared interests, we never got in each others way when one of us wanted to pursue our own things, or see our own friends, we never made each other feel guilty or less than for wanting to do things without our partner, those are the evil parts of routine, and I've lived them all, and I'll never live them again, and with you, those evil parts simply weren't an issue. But if you're going to be with someone long term, living with someone, etc, how can there not be a modicum of routine?, and since there will be, shouldn't it be comfortable and loving?
Out of all the decisions you could have made, I can't understand the one you chose, unless you're simply lying to me about having been as into me as you said and you've just been acting like you have been.... but I don't think you're that good of an actor, and I think I read you well..... I just don't always listen to what I read, yes, my head was in the clouds. I've never experienced a relationship like I did with you.
I wish you had had the balls to actually talk to me before you let it get to this point for you. You've broken my heart regardless, it would have been less if this was discussed earlier, and maybe something could have been salvaged.
I miss you, and for the time being, I still love you.
But I'll heal, and like I always do, I'll move on.

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