Had a very rough day today, one that left me in the bathroom crying again
I felt the spiral coming on, I reached out to a number of friends, knowing that Mara was busy with the inlaws tonight, and unfortunately, no one was available.
Texting with her on the way home, feeling sad, angry, lonely, just wanted to go home and self destruct, get some green from my neighbor and smoke myself into oblivion. That is a huge warning sign for me, I can partake socially without ill effect, but these feelings?, no, they weren't going anywhere good.
I needed love, I needed some care, I needed to weather my ship against someone else rock for a little bit, draw upon their strength, give me time to mend my sails and tar the hull.
It wasn't coming easily
So I simply asked, if I could partake in dinner with them, and the answer was yes. She even thanked me for asking. She isn't woo, isn't introspective or analytical, she didn't calculate this, forcing me to ask, not knowing that was exactly what I needed to do to get myself out, but that's what happened in the end.
Reaching out can be so hard to do.....
We all had a little dinner, didn't focus on any of the bad, just ate, talked, and shared companionship and love. Then I walked home, declining the offer of a partial lift to my place, knowing the walk would do me good.
Waiting for the red light to change, staring aimlessly across the street, I see a woman catch my eye, her face breaks out into a huge grin. She waves
I realize who it is.... Andrea.... faithful readers will remember the impact she had upon me during the summer of last year, but since then we had essentially drifted apart, no longer parts of each others lives.
We greet each other, share a long hug, and she quickly takes my offer to check out my condo with me just for a bit and catch up.
Of course, we ended up chatting for almost two hours
I tell her about my new relationship, the woman I've fallen in love for, the challenges that it has awoken inside me, the aspects of myself that I had left to deal with, the fears and anxieties I've been feeling for the past while, my stresses, my spirals, my dark shadow. She understands the shadow, she understands depression, panic, anxiety, and the destructive force it can have upon you. She draws parallels, ones that make sense, that work, and we share.
I make her sad with the pain that I've felt, my panic attacks, but again, she understands, she lives this as well. She had wanted me to fill her with happy stories, how wonderful everything is, and I begin to focus on that, and I share those stories.
Meeting Mara - such a wonderful story.
Our lives together.
My new family.
The support and love I receive.
Who I've become, my body, my smile, my truth.
The small joys I can experience.
My dreams, our dreams.
And through all the darkness that I have trouble not focusing on, she says something beautiful, something I need to remind myself of more often.
I'm in a wonderful place.
I have love.
I have support.
I have friends that care and look out for me.
I have someone by my side willing to fight for me, for us, for who and what I am, the truest ally anyone could ever be.
I have my own truth.