Thursday, 23 October 2014

why is this getting harder?

This may come out as a victim puke, so be it, and fuck you if you have a problem with it

Why does it feel like being trans is getting harder?

Last year I'd have fucking strangers come right up to me and ask me about my gender, I knew it was wrong of them to do so, but I could take it, I would educate them, and go along my way shaking my head at them but still smiling

Now, one simple misgendering will set me off

and it just happened for the second time this week, and I felt so good about myself this morning in my gorgeous outfit, first time I've worn a dress in a few weeks, and this motherfucker calls me Mr

I wanted to cause him pain, pure, excruciating pain

why do things like this hurt me so much?, I'm usually such a powerful person, but now, any one little thing can pull me down. I can't give that power to others, but fuck, I'm fed up of feeling like a freak, like an other, an abomination, an abnormality

I wouldn't wish being trans on my worst enemy

I often forget that I'm trans, I forget I used to be him, male, guy, dude, asshole

and these little situations bring that back to the forefront of my mind, of my anxieties, and little by little, they slice my soul to bits

death of a thousand cuts

I have a costume party to go to this weekend with my new family, one in which I wont know anyone, and I'm terrified of being taken as a guy in a dress, a tranny, a faggot, a freak. I have no idea if this will happen, but my mind is making it happen over and over again, last night calmed me, then this morning, one little fucking thing happens and the fear is back, the anxiety

I feel disgusting now in my beautiful outfit, I want to rip it off and hide in jeans and a heavy sweater, hiding my body, they refuse to see it, why bother. I feel like an imposter, a man in a dress trying to fool the world, and they see through me, and laugh at me, at us, at all of us

the freaks

the sickos

the liars

the insane

and now I hate myself for feeling this way

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