Friday, 24 October 2014

dark shadow

it really is

as was made obvious by my last post, it's been a tough couple of days. Said party that I've been invited to by my family triggered the everloving fuck out of me (yes by the way, that is how I talk, mm'kay?)

anxiety is a voice in my mind, a voice that I've never quite learned to control, or shut off, or even embrace and say "that's OK" to, like I've learned that you need to do with negative emotions.

In fact, many of the negative emotions that I feel often circle down into the bugbear of anxiety. Jealousy, insecurity, feelings of abandonment, being alone, they all seem to wake it up, wake up that demon, that dark shadow that always seems to be there, even when I'm doing well, I know it's there, taunting me, waiting for me to slip up in any way so it can lunge out and take my soul in it's filthy claws and drag me down in this neverending spiral of panic, fear, hell.

It digs it's claws into my brain, slowly, so I feel every millimeter of tearing, of twisting. It holds me in it's thrall, it's hot breath at my ear, black saliva from it's lips dripping on my shoulder, it's tongue, swirling, throat, gurgling, rasping, as it prepares it's onslaught

it can take any small thing, whatever happened to trigger me, even if the trigger was barely noticeable, and it will repeat it to me. Quietly at first. I feel the thought, raise an eyebrow, shake it away. Then the words change, slightly, and the thought hits me a tiny bit harder. This continues, ever worsening, and my resolve starts to crumble, I hold on as best as I can, but it always wins in the end

and it laughs, as it crawls into my brain, grabs a glass of nightshade, and continues it's work

it makes me doubt everything, feel panic over situations that have never occurred, nor are likely to occur, yet in every story it tells me, there is the possibility of it occurring, and that's what makes it so powerful. Similar to how they say the best lie is mostly truth with just one twist, the demon uses this against me, and once I've accepted one small lie as truth, it piles on another one, and another one, until every single decision I've made in my life feels like a mistake, that I'm a fool, that I'm horrible, terrible, stupid, worthless

In the past, this demon has shut me down, for days, or even months. When it gets inside me, I withdraw from the world. I usually am not fond of being alone in any way, I'll put up with it, but ugh, I feel like I'm wasting my time when I'm killing time alone, but when it's living within me, I want to do nothing else. I pull away from friends, I stop communicating with people, my emotions slowly disappear and I become cold, robotic even. I sit in my place, I stare at the TV that I'm not watching, play the music that I'm not listening to, not caring enough to care one way or another. I play games that don't actually require any thought or attention, just to make the time go by, and to have something to click on.

Eventually I begin to break down, and I'll reach out to someone, and as soon as that choice is made, the little fucker throws everything it has at me. I often change my mind, put the phone down, turn off chat on gmail or facebook, but eventually, I manage to make that contact, and that my friends, that is the only thing that can quell the demon, expunge him.

It's not as simple as talking to someone about how the day is, no, I need to bare myself, I need to open myself up to allow true light in, light of love, of support, of understanding and empathy. Each of those rays help burn it out of me, sometimes it's quick as someone manages to give me the key to the door it's barricaded behind, sometimes it takes longer as the light keeps chipping away at that door, but either way, at one point, after tears, fear, worry, pain, it leaves.

But it's never far away

Over the past two days, as I was going through this, even though it was a terrible assault (that had actually been building since last weekend even though I didn't realize the little bastard had found me again), I wanted to shut myself down, I wanted to hide, cancel all the wonderful plans I had over the next week, and just curl up underneath my bed and stare, turn off, disconnect

but I didn't

I talked to Mara even though I was terrified she would see me as weak, or lose love for me. I reached out to a couple of friends who surprised me with their support, and last night, thankfully, I was handed the key by a wonderful man that I'm still getting to know at a deeper level, even though he is truly part of my family and I a part of his, we have a long road to travel he and I, and while we have spent time together, I think that yesterday was the first real step of what may be a wonderful journey. He quelled my fears, accepted my anxiety (insanity) and told me that it is not something that needs an apology for, showed me more realistic future events, discussed our weird and unique life together, helped me feel more at one with everyone.

and it was quite beautiful, and I love him and thank him for it, and I feel like myself today


it's still there, it's always there, and it doesn't like it when someone hands me a key, and I've felt it crawling around just behind me, in the corner of my eye, looking for another way in, waiting for me to slip up, so it can once again dig itself into me, cackling, screeching, laughing.

I leave you with a simple breakdown of the word fear that I saw recently as a status update on a friends' page, think about it, it's quite powerful.

False Evidence Appearing Real

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