So I took Mara up to the old house yesterday, I wanted to check it out, haven't been there in almost 2 months which in all honesty, isn't that responsible of me. I didn't expect the feelings that I experienced
I do own it, technically, but in a way, it's not my house, it's never been my house..... it was his.... it was the place he died
Even though my wonderful neighbor has been taking care of the lawn, the gardens have gotten overgrown, what started off as little sprouts have become saplings, the place doesn't look that great from the outside.
Junk mail had piled up, and Becca still hasn't changed her address on a number of important documents. I got angry at her, frustrated, if she still hasn't been able to do this, how must she still be feeling. It's been eighteen months now, I was praying that she would have moved on, maybe she hasn't after all....
I let us in, and the inside looked the same..... but empty..... hollow.... a thing of the past
The nickel tour as she called it
We went downstairs, I could see Becca and him sitting there on the couch, watching TV, him rubbing her feet, the shelving that caused such drama and made me (him?) lose a friend....
Poked around, realized how much I still have left to do up there
We climbed the stairs to the top floor, and it started to hit me..... I'm not sure what started to hit me, emotions, sadness, guilt, regret for letting things go so far with Becca, shame for needing her so much to become who I always was supposed to be
Mara sees it in my eyes, she holds me tight, kisses me, doesn't say anything, lets me talk as I try to, just holds me
We enter the guest room, then the room that I had wanted to give to my first child. I couldn't look her in the eyes, I held back my tears, but she felt them regardless. We stood there together, me in her arms, she fed me her strength and her love. I needed it, she let me onto her rock for the time I required. We kiss, as if trying to bring new life, new energy, into this place
It felt haunted to me, just realize that now as I type this
We don't stay long, and on the way out, we deliver the mail to my old cousin's house across the street... I'm thankful they don't appear to be home... going there fills me with anxiety at the possibilities of what could occur
We make plans to take a day on a weekend soon to come up and spruce the place up. Her eyes, face, soul, smile at me. It's going to be difficult, so difficult to come back, to take care of the place like I should have already done.
I've been avoiding it, avoiding the place, avoiding my responsibilities there, just hoping someone will take the problem from my hands. Perhaps it hasn't sold yet because I still have work to do there, not just material things, but I need to make peace, I need to let go instead of shutting my mind to it. The universe has ways of fucking with me, giving me challenges I don't want to face, I wonder if this is one of them
I'll hop from my rock to hers for this and let her help me, making my own rock stronger in the process
I thank her for helping me change the energy of this place.... locations.... things.... they hold energies, and past sentiments, past pain and loss, but they can also hold love and hope and beauty
We go out for sushi at my favorite little place, and we talk, and we laugh, and we grow.... and after a while.... being up there, in his little town, the place where he wanted to finalize his story, the place where he died.... it doesn't feel that bad anymore
Thank you Mara
And to him..... rest well..... your work is done..... I'll take over from here
tears run down my face