So I missed my one year mark on the blog, I was super busy on the night of the 27th, moved some stuff into the new condo, got home super late. I had written something the following day, expecting it to be my next post, my little one year celebration post, but I wasn't feeling it. The words were forced, the excitement.... fake
it will sit there as a draft .... which is fine
see, I haven't been doing that great these past few weeks, as I'm sure was made somewhat obvious by my recent writings. I've been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, stressed, there's a lot of crap going on in my life right now which is annihilating my stability, and as we all know, I'm not terribly good at handling those types of feelings.
my mind has been on my ex constantly during this time and it's been getting worse and worse. I'm still angry at him, angry for what he did, for how things turned out... but most of all angry because I don't have that feeling of security, of calmness, of solidity... and the last time I had that was with him
like I've said, I always feel more stable when I have a partner, something I'm still working on
so all the stress and anxiety I've been feeling, I've been putting that on him, still stuck on the idea that this is all his fault, that he took my power away, my strength, my confidence. The one who started it all, Laura, helped me realize that I'm stuck in a place in which I see myself as a victim to my own life, and I'm blaming him for it
she showed me how even though I was hurting bad for the first couple of weeks after it all ended, that I was still being positive, I wasn't letting it take me down completely, and it's true. I recall having a few friends express admiration at how well I was doing, reminding me of the strength that I have... which unfortunately is a strength I often forget about
but soon after the breakup, life changes started happening fast. The condo as a possibility, which became a reality almost immediately after, meeting my dad for the first time, having to get the house ready for sale, having to get the condo ready to be lived in, fighting about my salary at work, thinking about making a massive life change in switching careers.... all of this has happened over the space of what.... the past four weeks?
that's a hell of a lot for anyone to handle
all of this has made me feel insecure about my life, scared about where I'll be, like I no longer have a base, a rock, to stand upon. Sure I want to leave the house I'm currently in and start again, but I'll be closing the door on a huge part of what my life used to be, moving to a new area, losing those landmarks which I don't even realize I've become accustomed to, and being forced to take ownership of a whole new world, create new connections, new landmarks, new "favorites"
with the added challenge that the new landmarks I'll be taking ownership of used to be *our* landmarks.....
and all of the insecurity, anxiety, and fear that I feel.... I've dumped on him, blamed him for it... easier than dealing with it after all
as all of the new challenges and stresses have arrived, one after another, I've had a harder and harder time dealing with the breakup.... even though none of it has anything to do with the breakup.... I never attributed the stress to moving, to changing my environment, to fighting with work, to dealing with my dad, all places that have contributed to a certain degree to my anxiety, I never attributed them to the correct places.... I feel more worried, more scared, and I blame him for taking away my strength and peace.... I relive all the sugary sweet crap that he filled my mind and my heart with and I hold on to that anger, wishing all the promises were true, because of course then I'd feel perfect.... wouldn't I?
bah...
I've been playing the victim
that doesn't absolve him though... bear that in mind... he was still a shit to me and I get to feel about him whatever damn way I choose
but I've been playing the victim, I haven't been owning my emotions or my feelings
I need to acknowledge that I'm stressed and that it's OK to be so. I need to acknowledge that the stress is caused by a huge number of completely normal events. I need to realize that this stress will be dealt with, I will make it through to the other side, and that there are many small steps that I will be taking to get through this, each of which will reduce my stress. I need to acknowledge that I still have work in letting my old life go, and that feeling at home in my new world won't happen immediately... but that it will happen. I need to acknowledge that the way I feel right now is natural, normal, even healthy, and that overall, it has very, very little to do with him.... he's just an easy scapegoat which keeps me mired in unhappiness, which stops me from moving, slows down my progress, which unfortunately, is a comfortable place for me, pointing that finger of blame, saying "I feel this way because of you", or "if you hadn't done what you did I would be going through all of this fine"... that's all easier than buckling down and doing what needs to be done, and fully accepting my stress and anxiety and my crazy damn life
and while I barely slept last night, with all of this running through my head, and while I'm exhausted today, at the same time I feel lighter. He does come into my mind but I don't want to tear his face off when it does, which is nice, nor do my eyes immediately fill with tears. I'm finally feeling some excitement about starting my new life in the city which I've been doing vicariously through my friends so far, they are all soooo happy for me, but it took me until now to be happy for myself.
I feel .... okay....
and that's a great thing
oh, and as for the anniversary?, April 2nd is when I officially became single last year, the day that she moved out....
and I just spent a couple minutes looking back at everything that has happened to me, everything I've done over the past year, and.... holy crap.... it makes for a long and very varied list.... and that's pretty cool. No wonder I went through another dark period late last year, in retrospect, and I'll have to explore this more at one point, I was probably misdirecting my anxieties as well back then.
The crazy thing about it all, this year is gonna be even bigger
bring it on
bitches
hehehehehhe....
this could even be one of my Cyclical Meanderings posts couldn't it?
anyhoo, coming up next, a discussion on one of my most hated and feared words in the english language
NORMAL
*shudder*
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