Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Still angry it seems.....

This is going to be more of a rant than anything....

Yes I'm doing good overall, no I'm not terribly worried about not finding a new partner in the long run, and no, I'm not interested in doing any serious dating right now, more interested in doing some serious fucking

but he still jumps into my head too goddamned often

I can't even enjoy some personal sexual time without him popping into my head and fucking it all up, and with the cold that I got nailed with last week, I haven't had any intimacy in going on 3 weeks. The tantric experience, while wonderful, didn't scratch that very specific itch, and the kinky party which gave me (and a shit-ton of others) a cold was more of a tease than anything else.....

if he appeared in front of me, I'd fucking bitch-slap him, he deserves it

perhaps he's in my head cause it's his birthday today, and I had wanted to make that day special for him, and I knew the gift I wanted to get him, but I'm no longer part of the picture.... dunno.... but last week was easier than this week has been, and I don't understand why

the relationship only lasted eight or nine weeks for fucks sake, and it ended four weeks ago, why the hell is he still in my head?

a friend told me that it's natural, it was a surprise to me, he blindsided me with his bullshit, and I was completely invested.... I had gotten over my fear of what the relationship could mean in the first couple weeks, and that's when I opened up and started playing seriously, and the piece of shit encouraged it all, helped me open up, helped me stop being worried, all the while he was closing in and freaking out


the prick held my face between his hands, looked into my soul, and told me to "have faith in this relationship". I think that was the moment I seriously fell for him and went all in. A week later when I was curled up on his lap and said "yeah, this still feels right", he laughed and said "why wouldn't it?"... see, on our second date at his place, he was curled up in my lap and said those words first, "this all feels so right"

words have power ....

I kept listening to the words, and ignoring the actions which told me otherwise

.... fucking fool I was

but how do I avoid this next time?, being led on, being taken for a fool, not being swept away by the pretty words and loving actions all the while accepting their faults and their humanity.... and the thing is, I love the romance, the words, the actions, all of that means so much to me, I don't want to lock my heart down and ignore them or make those things meaningless.

how does one still thrill at love and lust and discovery while keeping themselves safe?.... how does one leave themselves open to be swept away without being swept into the garbage?

I refuse to lock my heart down

just means it's going to keep getting broken and hurt

but at least I'll feel the joy as well

I've been asked on more than one occasion, "do you actually know any truly happy people?, without fear, anxiety, doubt". My first answer is always no, then I think about it, and yes, I do think I know people like this, but when I look at their lives, they seem dead, dull, empty. Just pieces of a machine trudging through life with a smile on their faces as if it was put there by chemical means, or too stupid to know any different. A smile that seems to mean nothing.... less than nothing....

I'll take the extreme emotions any day over that emptiness

the risks are worth it

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