Wednesday, 13 March 2013

two weeks...

Haven't written in a while, I sat down to do so a couple of times but the words didn't flow, the ideas weren't there, so I didn't push it.

It's not that nothing has been going on, lots has, and I'm only 2 weeks away now from starting hormones. I've been excited about it, apprehensive about it, scared of it, my emotions have run the gamut, but at the same time, I've been almost blase about it half of the time. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

The concept of "choice" that I've spoken about once or twice has been on my mind a lot as well lately. I'll recap briefly, in that, yes, I am trans, transgender-ism is real, I feel it, I accept it, and in a perfect world, the choice of transitioning would be an easy, and fully supported one. But the reality of it is, if I chose to, I could hide it away again, go back to being part time, as long as I could be the femmy guy that I've become (I honestly don't think I could become a dude again). I'd most likely be miserable, I may seriously consider suicide one day, I dunno, but for a lot of us trans folks, this is a do or die situation, and well, to be honest, I don't feel that way, at least not yet. I do believe that I will get there someday, and that feeling helped get me to where I am now, although it's not one that I think of often anymore. I'm already 35, I know that I'll *have* to do this at one point, I don't want that to be when I'm 50, when I only have ten good years ahead of me.

But then, when I put my face on, put together a nice outfit, and go out into the world, I know I'm doing the right thing, and I can't wait for it to be real. I've outed myself to a couple girls at work, and it feels great to have people I can be myself with, and I can't wait to be myself all the time, and not need the fake boobs, and hopefully not need a wig, and not have to go home to change, god I'm starting to hate having to do that.

so yeah, it's clear that I want to do this, it's clear that I'm happier as a woman, it's just very strange for me to consciously make a decision like this with only my best interests at heart, knowing that it will hurt certain people I love... and late at night, when I'm not interacting with the world, and Becca, the woman I may very well lose over this is sleeping beside me, it doesn't feel that bad to be in this body, to be this person, but it's easy in those situations to forget how wonderful life feels as myself, as a woman, and how difficult it's become as a guy.

........ a thought I'm going to try and get down on paper...... those times late at night with her, are some of my favorite times, cuddling, giving her a foot rub, those are the times I feel the closest to her.... and not only may I lose her, but I may never have someone to sit there and cuddle with late at night.... and I have to be OK with that.... anyway....

on a good side, I came out to the director of HR and she seems to be well on board, we're trying to find a time to get out for coffee so she can meet the new me. Like I mentioned, I came out to two of the girls at work, my long time friend Cathy who sits next to me has known for a while of course, and today I told my boss (male) who I've worked for for 12 years now, and while he was a bit surprised, he also seems fine with it.

more pretty big news, my mom met the new me as well this past weekend which went very well, she was surprised at how natural it felt and how easy it was. Another thing I liked was that, completely unprompted, she told me how she noticed that I was less twitchy, less nervous, less anxious, and just happier overall, like I didn't have that chip on my shoulder anymore.

so yeah, I guess that's it, gonna keep coming out slowly to people at work, going to keep enjoying being myself, and two weeks left baby, two weeks..... whoah

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