Well, things were going well, then I coughed a little too hard last Sunday morning, and before I knew it, I was on the floor gritting my teeth in pain. I lay there for a while straight out on the cold tile, then rolled over onto my stomach and tried to stretch, but no good, I was locked up.
I didn't get the same nerve pain as I had had a few years back, but the tightening of my back and right leg was oh so much worse (or I have simply forgotten what hell I went through then, which I'm thinking is more than likely), and until my osteo unlocked me two days later, just walking was almost impossible.
I'm lumbering around the house now, drove myself to my appointment yesterday afternoon (new car has fat seats thankfully!) and managed to go run a couple quick errands without it hurting too too much, so I'm definitely on the mend.... but still..... I just lost a week to a frakin cough if you think about it.... that sucks....
and when you are lying flat on your gut, new parts of you getting sore while you rest the originally sore parts of you, you have a lot of time to think....
I thought back to the last time this happened of course, and how Becca had accused me of creating, or at least exacerbating the problem, by holding things back, by not dealing with stuff like I should be and it causing me stress... which as I know affects my digestive system, which in turn presses at my spine where my hernia is... Like I said last time I brought this up, I think she had a point.... and again, I think this little flare up was also in part caused by my not dealing with shit like I need to right now.
Obviously I'm going through a lot, and obviously lots of it is great, wonderful, almost like I'm living in a dream, and lately, this is the stuff I've been trying to focus on. Of course, at the same time, I have a lot of bad stuff, tough stuff, frustrating and upsetting stuff going on, responsibilities I need to be dealing with which I've been neglecting in part, not wanting to sink back into the sadness...
and well, when you get literally knocked off your feet, you suddenly find yourself with a ton of time. So I sent that email I had been postponing... started dealing with all of that unpleasantness after it didn't go the way I had hoped, still trying to keep the floodgates from opening... I dealt with insurance shopping for my new car and finally made a decision.... got my official name change under way..... was taken care of by some wonderful girlfriends over the week, helping me get to my appointments and just not feeling so lonely (and one is 11 weeks pregnant, love you girl!!!).... my awesome car salesman brought my new toy directly to me and we signed everything at my kitchen table, pretty damn good service if I do say so!....
and once I started taking care of all of that, my soul felt a bit lighter, and things looked a bit brighter, and as usual, I have no idea why I was procrastinating. Those behaviors we learn as children are so hard to break...
I went to my osteo treatments as a boy, wearing women's lounge clothes... with a baby smooth face and long hair.... and women's flats.... ok, I honestly have no clue what I looked like to all of them (for the record, its a sports clinic in a predominantly Greek / Italian neighborhood) but I was definitely turning heads. I spoke at length about what is going on with me with my osteo (he's known me for ~7 years now), knowing that half the room is listening to us chat, and it felt good. I talked to the receptionist about it and she didn't even blink, people are pretty damn cool around here....
And today, to top it all off, I headed off to the bank after putting my face on, a cute top and my loose jeans, but the big difference is, no wig. Dawn went out wigless in her little country town, and it was.... normal.... I didn't feel that anyone did a double take, no widening of the eyes, nothing.... maybe what my friends tell me is true, that my wig outs me faster as a trans person than my thinning hair. The bank was so easy that I went to the liquor store and got a lovely bottle of Laphroaig, then to the corner store to pick up a couple items, and the little old lady that works at the store just gave me her usual huge smile and "hello dear how are you!", which in all honesty has only started since I appeared as a woman to her, and now as my new wigless self, hehehe
When I first hurt myself five days ago, I told my mom that I was scared that this was some form of karmic punishment for transitioning, for being too happy.... she told me to stop being an idiot and that I sounded worse than a fundamentalist. It may still make me sound a bit cuckoo, but I was stressing without dealing with it, ignoring things, postponing things, and it was taking its toll, and it found its way out and I was slowed down... my back was my speed bump.
Now, I've dealt with shit, I'm dealing with other stuff, not out of the woods, but I'm back on my way up. And I truly believe that as a reward I was given this day where I found a new level of comfort with myself and how i look to the world. I was questioning my choice of eight weeks (seven now), but no, I know that is the right choice, it's going to happen. I checked with my hairdresser and she is working the week before Dawn comes out, so she'll make me look beautiful and whats even better, she is SO looking forward to it, she takes it as an honor.
Speed bump over, couple more days of rest...... then full speed ahead....
Dawn's coming
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