what a day.....

Tears, anger, hurt, remorse, regret, you know, just a regular Thursday at Dawn's place....

Lots of stuff happened today, first time I felt anger (fleeting) towards Becca since this all happened, and I think it was a similar event for her as well, but we managed to talk, and not hug, and we tried to not say "I love you" but it happened anyway and it's OK.

but all of that isn't why I want to write tonight, I want to focus on a positive, not to say what I wrote wasn't positive.... ahhh, you know what I mean....

My friend Nat and I went out to dinner tonight to chat and catch up, and yes, primarily to listen to me whine (thanks again hun!!!) and talk about Becca and I, and as well about my transition. It was a lovely evening, Nat looking fantastic as usual in an outfit I'd never be able to pull off, but at one point Becca called me up, and said something that at that moment, really hurt. As I was having that call, Nat got up to go to the bathroom, and when the call ended, I just hung my head and felt the pain, and for the first time since my transition began, I felt that anger seep back, thankfully, it only lasted a moment. ***

I'm going to backtrack about 20 minutes now.... at that point while we were eating, this big white dude comes in and takes a table alone and places an order. I noticed him on the way in, not for any reason other than I notice everything around me, people, movement, I'm a touch paranoid. He looked like any other late 20's guy, big, broad shouldered, heavy guy, starting to lose his closely cropped hair, wearing the generic men's loose nondescript jeans, <insert sports team> t shirt  I was surprised he didn't have a cap on his head. The kinda guy you keep an eye on when him and his buddies have tossed back a dozen beers at the bar...

now, I was sitting there with my head hanging, I took a deep breath, and looked up, and now that Nat wasn't blocking my view, I ended up meeting Joe's eyes (just cause he felt like a Joe). He looked a smidge ... embarrassed?, like he was caught looking at something he shouldn't?, it's a feeling I'll get from men when I'm presenting as Dawn and I catch them looking at my chest, but tonight I was straight from work, and my laser blasted face isn't in any condition to be wearing makeup, so it was Phil tonight. Joe swallowed his mouthful, and bashfully said, "I'm sorry for eavesdropping... but... well, it was hard not to overhear"

he points out the fact that we are the only two tables with customers in this side of the place.....

.... and Nat and I both tend to have voices that carry :P (he didn't point that part out)

"I just wanted to say, I hope you don't mind, just, like, well.... good luck, with everything, I heard what you were talking about and, yeah, you have to do what you know is right man, and it's awesome that you're doing it, and I tip my hat you to, just, wow, good luck"

he went on to tell me how when he was younger, and at this point my memory is already a little foggy as I was, in a word, stunned at what was happening, and considering my head was still mixed up in what had happened with Becca and I, well, ill paraphrase the rest. Basically, an older guy in his and his fathers life back then, who was into racing cars, and modding cars, and this was a big dude as well, well, at the age of 42, he just upped and transitioned, boom, just like that.

Joe looked at me right in the eyes at that point, pointed at me with his chopsticks, and said "you will never see a happier person in the world"...

Nat came back at this point, was a little surprised to see us chatting, and I think the look on my face is what got her the most (grinning from ear to ear, and honestly, I had forgotten that I was presenting boy mode), made sure I was OK, filled her in quickly, he wished me luck again and we got back to our meal...

somehow, all of this made me realize what was going on with Becca and I, and I talked to Nat, that what Becca said wasn't cause she was trying to hurt me, or really mad at me, she was angry at something, or hurt, and lashing out, and I should be able to see that and know that without feeling so horrible, like I destroyed someone, which is how I feel when I'm afraid that someone I love is mad at me, I feel like I'm being ripped apart, I lose my sense of self.....

yes, it's something I need to work on....

... now that I think about it, tonight, I *did* work on it, cool

so yeah, the universe can provide you just what you need sometimes, just when you need it.

I also realize something else, tied into what I've written about before, which is the importance of sharing your stories and your experiences, and not being afraid of being judged about it, and how that brings people closer together, gives us insight, all that great stuff.

If I had been scared of what will people think if they hear us talking about me being trans!!!, or just scared of people hearing personal things like lots of people tend to be (its none of their business!, humph!), or if Nat had been the type of person that gets uncomfortable when people share things, none of this would have happened tonight. Joe wouldn't have heard anything, and wouldn't have been able to share his story, and if *he* wasn't brave enough to share his story, none of it would have continued either. I wouldn't have become a little less judgmental of "regular dudes" like Joe, cause the other thing I thought when he came in was "lol, I'll never have to bother pretending to have something in common with a guy like that anymore", shame on me eh?. The hurtful event with Becca would have still happened, but if my spirits hadn't been raised by Joe, I wouldn't have had the calm to be able to understand what had really happened, and Becca and I would have maybe had our first post-separation fight, which would have really sucked!. And of course, I could share all I had felt right back with Nat, who while was more on the receiving end of stuff tonight, I think she feels good about everything and even though she isn't feeling her best right now, it was a good night

wow, what a day

thanks Nat, and thank you Joe!

*** I've been wracking my brain, and I have a feeling that she used the bathroom after another tough event and that is when everything transpired, either way, it doesn't actually change what happened, and this note is just for Nat I guess who is the only person who would know I'd screwed up, and now I'm just rambling, so....