I haven't technically become Dawn yet at work, and I guess that's when being full time is really going to matter.... and outside of work, I've been myself for a couple of months now. At work, the past three weeks I've been dressing full femme, tight scoop neck t-shirts, ballet flats, my face is changing and softening and my chest is noticeable under my tight tops. Oh hell, here, check it out, Phil's last picture ever
Not too manly eh?
A few hours after that picture was taken, a great friend of mine went with me to get my hair done for the first time, and I mean really done. Dyed, set, styled, and after an hour and a half I had this
Color doesn't come out too well in that shot and it had flattened from eating outside for 2 hours, but I'm almost blonde, and it's a super cute soft bob cut, and I absolutely LOVE it!.
So yeah, like I was saying, aside from the hair which is a pretty permanent change (I'll never be able to pretend that I'm a boy again with that), things are technically the same as they were last week, I'm Dawn while not at work. Yet I feel so different, I feel so free now. I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, and while I see those male features that haven't yet been softened by some powder, I see her and only her. Last week I still saw him mixed with her. Now it's only her, and the hard features that she has don't mean that she is a man, just that she is a woman with some harder features, and unfortunately thin hair in front, nothing more, nothing less. And I know that my features will soften even more, just look at the picture up on top, for those of you who knew the old me, that is not his face, no, not at all.
I still occasionally feel like I'm in a dream, like I'm going to wake up and realize that the whole world has been laughing at me behind my back the whole time, that of course I'm going to be thrown out of the company when dare to walk in dressed like a woman.... but thankfully.... those feelings are getting fewer and further in between.
I think of all the people that have come into my life in the past couple of months, all the wonderful energy that they have shared with me and I with them. The healing and growing that we have all done just by knowing each other and sharing our lives, dreams, fears, pasts, regrets and love.
I have received the most wonderful compliments that anyone can receive from so many people lately. People see in me now, completely on their own, what I've always wanted to be, hoped that I was, thought I was but it was always so hidden by the anger and shame and rage and blame. But now, people thank me for simply having known me, or met me, or that I allowed them to find out more about my experiences and who I am... I mean... holy crap.... how can a girl not feel like a million bucks with all of this going on.
More pictures surfaced today from the festival that I attended a couple weeks back, oh my lord, hahahahah, what an interesting androgynous critter I must have looked like while there. The last day, I had more feminine cues like a bloody bikini top and big skirt, but Saturday as it seems, I looked like a ... hell .... I don't even know .... all I know is when I look at this picture and remember how I felt when I opened my eyes and saw the photographer right in front of me ....
is that I felt wonderful, and beautiful, and free, and so incredibly happy... and when I look at that picture, I can still feel all of it, it still hasn't left me, and I can't see why it ever would now, what reason would there be to let go of that love?
as I've talked about all of my adventures lately, I've had a few people say "wow, it sounds like you're acting like a teenager again"... but they always say it as if there is something wrong with that... what's up with that?
think back to when you were a child, and the wonder and magic that everything in the world brought to you. A caterpillar could mesmerize you for hours, you would wonder what it would feel like to be one, to see the world from such a tiny place.... and now we just step on them
think back to the freedom of being a teenager, all the possibilities ahead of us, all the dreams we had and all the things we believed in to the death.
why is it seen as a good thing to have lost that love of magic, that passion for life and exploration, why do we think that growing up entails living less?.
at the festival there were families, and not just one or two, quite a few. Children ran around playing, laughing and loving like everyone else. Their parents danced and laughed and sang and loved. The children were taken care of, safe, watched over by hundreds of careful eyes, and they got to see adults of all types, ages, races, cultures, subcultures, sizes, genders, all together, all loving each other, all playing together, no one hurting each other, no one angry, or fearful, or shameful. Just life, humans being together.
why is this feared?
why do we say.... "oh, I'm too old for that".... and before you reply "well, I AM too old for that".... I used to say that as well, and now look.... your excuse is rendered invalid
anyway... back to the subject at hand. I'm full time, the first announcement has gone out in the local newspaper:
not easy, somewhat scary, I still have some tough days ahead of me (first day of work, first business trip, first confrontation with a real fuckin phobic asshole where I may have to make some decisions I'd rather not, first real date as a trans woman, etc etc etc) but everyone has it tough, I'm no different than anyone else, we all have things which are simple in life, and things which hold us back and challenge us continuously. Part of being human
so even with all of that
life is beautiful
love you all
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