I'm sorry

It's been a very emotional week or so, not entirely sure when it started, but it crept up on me. I only noticed when I look back that I've shed tears almost each day. Most of the time I'm proud to admit, they are tears of happiness. I look back over my past, the struggles I've faced to get to where I am, and I find myself laughing and crying at the same time, and for those of you who have never done that, I have to say, it's a pretty amazing feeling.... one I've only really felt a couple of times before.... my wedding day... witnessing the birth of my god son.... but lately the happy-tears are entirely for me.

but sometimes the tears aren't happy... I still feel racked with guilt at times, like I need to apologize to someone for where I am now, for what I've gone through. You may say well, it's obvious, you feel guilt over Becca losing her husband... but no... I'm done with that guilt, I felt it for years, even before my transition, and I've said what I needed to say regarding that. Could it be that my father never wants to speak to me again?, hah, no, fuck him, he hadn't been a father to me since I was in my early teens and I made my peace with that a long time ago.

but today I figured it out

and I cried harder and longer than I have in many weeks, and I think something released. I still have more to deal with with respect to this person, but I finally know who the person is that I have wronged for so long, harmed, tortured, repressed.....

I was looking at my makeup-free face in the mirror this morning, marveling at the changes that have already taken place in my face. My jaw has softened, the lack of beard shadow makes an enormous difference, but I noticed today my cheeks are just a touch fuller (and I'm damn skinny right now), the muscles on my neck have shrunken and my neck looks longer and more slender. My hair is fuller than it has been in quite a while, and it too affects the curves of my face.

I opened up my wallet and pulled out my Medicare* card, the photo on it was taken in Nov 2008. I recall leaving work at lunch and waiting way too long in line to renew my card, and I wasn't feeling very great, so I looked kinda cranky and grumpy.

I hold the card up next to my mirror and flick my eyes back and forth between the two people in front of me. I look at the sparkle in my eyes, the little twists of happiness at the corners (I'm going to get crow's feet very quickly, and I'm so looking forward to it). I look at him in his picture, his eyes are dead. Fine, he was cranky and under the weather, but there was nothing in those eyes, just sadness, loss, regret.

If I didn't have Becca to keep me going those days, I don't know where I would have ended up.

The tears flood my eyes

I hold his face close to mine.... I realize he is gone... and not just recently departed... he's been gone for a while.

I say good bye, and I cry, but it doesn't feel right. This isn't new, and he isn't entirely gone, he is still me, inside, I'm still the same cocky bitch that I've always been, so I know the tears aren't because I'm saying good bye to him

so I put my thumb on his cheek.... and I stroke it... and I say what I've needed to say for so long.....

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, all the years of pain, of shame, of doubt, of hate, of rage. I'm sorry for forcing you to carry me hidden your entire life, killing yourself slowly to give me my shell to hide in. I'm sorry you never entirely existed, and that I made you even hate your own name ever since you were small. And I'm sorry that even with all of that, that you have to go away in order to give birth to me, but you made me who I am today, and I'm beautiful

I'm sorry Philippe... good bye... and thank you so much.... I love you



*: government issued medical health insurance card

Full time....

it's indescribable

I haven't technically become Dawn yet at work, and I guess that's when being full time is really going to matter.... and outside of work, I've been myself for a couple of months now. At work, the past three weeks I've been dressing full femme, tight scoop neck t-shirts, ballet flats, my face is changing and softening and my chest is noticeable under my tight tops. Oh hell, here, check it out, Phil's last picture ever

Not too manly eh?

A few hours after that picture was taken, a great friend of mine went with me to get my hair done for the first time, and I mean really done. Dyed, set, styled, and after an hour and a half I had this

Color doesn't come out too well in that shot and it had flattened from eating outside for 2 hours, but I'm almost blonde, and it's a super cute soft bob cut, and I absolutely LOVE it!. 

So yeah, like I was saying, aside from the hair which is a pretty permanent change (I'll never be able to pretend that I'm a boy again with that), things are technically the same as they were last week, I'm Dawn while not at work. Yet I feel so different, I feel so free now. I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, and while I see those male features that haven't yet been softened by some powder, I see her and only her. Last week I still saw him mixed with her. Now it's only her, and the hard features that she has don't mean that she is a man, just that she is a woman with some harder features, and unfortunately thin hair in front, nothing more, nothing less. And I know that my features will soften even more, just look at the picture up on top, for those of you who knew the old me, that is not his face, no, not at all.

I still occasionally feel like I'm in a dream, like I'm going to wake up and realize that the whole world has been laughing at me behind my back the whole time, that of course I'm going to be thrown out of the company when dare to walk in dressed like a woman.... but thankfully.... those feelings are getting fewer and further in between. 

I think of all the people that have come into my life in the past couple of months, all the wonderful energy that they have shared with me and I with them. The healing and growing that we have all done just by knowing each other and sharing our lives, dreams, fears, pasts, regrets and love. 

I have received the most wonderful compliments that anyone can receive from so many people lately. People see in me now, completely on their own, what I've always wanted to be, hoped that I was, thought I was but it was always so hidden by the anger and shame and rage and blame. But now, people thank me for simply having known me, or met me, or that I allowed them to find out more about my experiences and who I am... I mean... holy crap.... how can a girl not feel like a million bucks with all of this going on.

More pictures surfaced today from the festival that I attended a couple weeks back, oh my lord, hahahahah, what an interesting androgynous critter I must have looked like while there. The last day, I had more feminine cues like a bloody bikini top and big skirt, but Saturday as it seems, I looked like a ... hell .... I don't even know .... all I know is when I look at this picture and remember how I felt when I opened my eyes and saw the photographer right in front of me ....

is that I felt wonderful, and beautiful, and free, and so incredibly happy... and when I look at that picture, I can still feel all of it, it still hasn't left me, and I can't see why it ever would now, what reason would there be to let go of that love?

as I've talked about all of my adventures lately, I've had a few people say "wow, it sounds like you're acting like a teenager again"... but they always say it as if there is something wrong with that... what's up with that?

think back to when you were a child, and the wonder and magic that everything in the world brought to you. A caterpillar could mesmerize you for hours, you would wonder what it would feel like to be one, to see the world from such a tiny place.... and now we just step on them

think back to the freedom of being a teenager, all the possibilities ahead of us, all the dreams we had and all the things we believed in to the death.

why is it seen as a good thing to have lost that love of magic, that passion for life and exploration, why do we think that growing up entails living less?.

at the festival there were families, and not just one or two, quite a few. Children ran around playing, laughing and loving like everyone else. Their parents danced and laughed and sang and loved. The children were taken care of, safe, watched over by hundreds of careful eyes, and they got to see adults of all types, ages, races, cultures, subcultures, sizes, genders, all together, all loving each other, all playing together, no one hurting each other, no one angry, or fearful, or shameful. Just life, humans being together.

why is this feared?

why do we say.... "oh, I'm too old for that".... and before you reply "well, I AM too old for that".... I used to say that as well, and now look.... your excuse is rendered invalid

anyway... back to the subject at hand. I'm full time, the first announcement has gone out in the local newspaper: 

and life is good

not easy, somewhat scary, I still have some tough days ahead of me (first day of work, first business trip, first confrontation with a real fuckin phobic asshole where I may have to make some decisions I'd rather not, first real date as a trans woman, etc etc etc) but everyone has it tough, I'm no different than anyone else, we all have things which are simple in life, and things which hold us back and challenge us continuously. Part of being human

so even with all of that

life is beautiful

love you all

work work work... all night long... work work work while I sing this song

Today was Phil's last Monday
tomorrow will be his last Tuesday
the day after will be his last Wednesday
and so on

we're pretty much there, the finish line is a short 15 days away... well, technically I'll be full time this Friday at the end of the work day, but it really makes a difference on the day after Canada day (July 2nd for you non Canucks) when Dawn walks in

so far the reaction has been quite positive. I've talked to most people that matter on my day to day life, fielded the same couple questions fifty times (lol), and the rest of the company has had it confirmed by someone by now. A number of people use my new name and pronouns already, everything is lined up at work w/r to my login, email address, security badge, etc, and most of them are all really looking forward to seeing the new me

and what the hell am I gonna wear?!?!?!?!?!?!

As life goes though, I've heard through the grapevine that there are a small number of people who have a real problem with this... calling me "it"... saying that if they walk into the bathroom and I'm there that they're walking out.... won't share an elevator with me... won't want to work with me. Pretty shitty stuff, but I remind myself that there are still people out there who don't want to work with women, with black people, with muslims... there are assholes of all stripes and shades out there, and you can never win them all.

On the good side, from what I understand, the complainers are being told by their friends to cut that shit out cause it's discrimination pure and simple, and they're right, it is. If this stays completely out of my earshot, and doesn't affect my work, well, then I think you can be as phobic and discriminatory as you want as it doesn't affect me... your right to swing your arm stops when it hits my nose. But of course, if it happens in front of me, we're going to have a problem.

You want an easy rule of thumb?, take that comment you heard, or were about to say, about a trans a person and ask yourself, how would it sound if it were directed at a specific racial group?, or a specific cultural group?. If your answer is "well, of course I would't accept / say that!", then chances are, its transphobic when directed at a trans person.

And some people may say "but, that's not the same thing, you're choosing to become a woman", and while that is technically true, I'm no more choosing to be a woman than a gay man is choosing to be gay, or a straight woman is making a conscious choice to be straight. I choose to live my life, and change my body with hormones to match what I feel, just like a gay man loves another man because that is what he feels, and a straight woman loves a man because that is what she feels.

I would in fact say that sexuality and identity super-cedes race and culture, and we all know that we shouldn't judge / joke / assume about each other's races or cultures don't we?. We all know that on a chromosomal level there is no such thing as race, it's nothing more than different physical traits passed down throughout the history of time from different stripes of human beings. Culture is completely man made and thereby is not natural or inborn, and religion is simply an aspect of culture. Out of all these things, your sexuality and your gender identity is something you are born with, the rest, you are born into.

So yeah, all that to say, things are pretty good. While I have my five minutes of panic every day or two about what I'm about to do (oh my god I'm really going to walk into a meeting in makeup and jewelry and my bra and oh my god wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf everyone is gonna look and no one is gonna take me seriously PANIC PANIC PANIC EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!!!!!!)

then I realize I'm getting silly, and I think about all the challenges I've already surpassed, and how life just keeps getting better after each one, and I know I'll make it through this one.

but seriously... what the hell am I going to wear?!!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!??!?!

New Beginnings....

When I lost Becca, a ton of people, many of whom considered me family for years longer than I even knew her, turned their backs on me completely.

I lost a family.
I lose a friend who was the person I had known the longest in my life and still was close to (19 years...)
I lost the two children who I loved to death, the kids whose births I witnessed, kids whose voices I still hear almost daily as they live across the street from me....

But just four short days after that, on Easter of this year, upon an invitation of the Chuck, I met the healer Andrea, re-connected with an old acquaintance who immediately became a friend, and through them, met more, and more, and more.

Without trying, without looking, I found a new group. Or perhaps, one found me.

Two weekends ago, Andrea, two of her friends of whom I had met one briefly, and I, went to a festival in the forest. There was non stop music from Friday 4pm, all the way to Sunday evening around 8. Three stages were setup with different styles of music, different atmospheres, different moods; the grounds were filled with smiling people, all ages, all backgrounds, all there to share their love and their energy with each other. The event was called Manifesting Magic, and it happened, I actually felt it.

We spent our time walking from one stage to the next, smiling to other revelers, saying hi to whomever passed us by. A hoop always twirling from one hand. We all met kindred spirits, we learned and taught, we travelled together, but we spent much of our time alone, dancing with ourselves, with our thoughts, feeling the energy of the music, the energy of all those around us, some dancing in groups, some lost in their own worlds and just flowing to the beats.

Both nights, we danced till the sun came up and the birds started chirping. A few hours of sleep, up, clean as best as one can, and back out to the woods, to the dance.

The final day, the sun came out and burned away all the wet that had been falling since the weekend had begun. I took to the water to wash the days away, in my bikini top, and skirt shorts bottom, inquisitive, but friendly eyes wash over me, smiling faces. A child calls out a question, are you a boy or a girl?. Breaths are caught, eyes flicker towards me. I smile. I used to be a boy, but now I'm becoming a girl. Really?, you can do that? she replies incredulously. I laugh, I hear soft laughter, relieved laughter from somewhere else. Yes I say, but she is not convinced, and I realize, she needs something to make sense of this, but as she is just a child, all she needs is a name to give it.

"I'm trans" I say.

The girl thinks for a moment, nods forcefully, smiles and runs off to tell her mother. I look over and see her looking up, sharing her own new experience with her parent. Her mother smiles, looks at me, and I smile back and nod slightly. She thanks me with her eyes. I'll never know her, nor her me, but regardless, we shared a connection, we were changed, and that's a beautiful thing.

As the last performers took to the stage and rang out in joy, I in my bikini top, long flowing skirt, messed up hair and barely done face, danced with my hoop for hours with the rest of the crowd dancing beside me. I felt free, I felt liberated. I would dance with my eyes closed, feeling the circle twirl its way around me in my hands, dropping it to my hips and keeping it there while dancing and swaying with the music. I felt warmth, love, strength and beauty surround me, as I added my own to it, and when I would open my eyes, I would see other eyes upon me, smiling faces, sharing in my happiness, watching me, seeing me, disheveled, androgynous, laughing, dancing, beautiful me.

and for the first time ever I didn't feel embarrased, I didn't feel self concious, I didn't care that I was somewhat scruffy after being in the woods for so long right after a laser treatment, I didn't care that I'm still new to the hoop and there were many people better than I was, I just danced. I danced more than I have ever danced in my life... cumulatively. And dancing is something I've always dreamed of doing.

I left there changed once again, and since then, when I get home, I put on some music, I grab my hoop, and I dance. I don't always feel that same liberation and joy, but at the same time, sometimes I do, and it's beautiful.

This past weekend, the same couple that came with us to the forest threw a party, as she is going away for a while to work. Chuck, my lynch-pin to the group was supposed to be there as well, but unfortunately couldn't make it in the end... funny.... it took Andrea to mention that I really was part of the group, how I didn't need him there at all, I hadn't ever noticed... in the past this would have scared me, made me feel uncomfortable about being around so many strangers... but now?, it never even bothered me that I was about to go to Sherbrooke (1.5 hrs away) with only four out of 12 people that I know... and well, ya know, that I'm a fledgling trans woman as well....

It was a great weekend, I was getting some interested looks, so I named myself and talked a bit about my experiences, some people asked questions, they got to know me, and as usual, that's all it takes. I made some wonderful new friends yet again, found out that some of them are music nerds as well and I got to share that side of me which I love doing, and once again, a bunch more people are more comfortable around trans people now, which I think is pretty awesome.

Something else happened over the weekend which I need to share. Birthday girl told me, in front of half the gang there, how much she admired me, and how she had never seen someone so comfortable in their own skin as I am. I take my place, I'm so happy with who I am that people around me, even through they may never have met a trans person before, have no choice but to like me, to be interested, to want to get to know me. I don't give them the choice of being uncomfortable, I'm comfortable enough for anyone. While she was saying this, everyone else was listening, and agreeing. I was stunned, and incredibly touched. As I shared my stories and my experiences with others throughout the weekend, I was told twice that I should get out of my line of work and just talk, talk to people about life, counsel people, give talks about motivation and self confidence and being true to yourself to high school kids, stuff like that.... and each time I was told this, those in earshot all spoke up in favor... and none of them knew that this is what I dream of doing.

and to top it all off, I have a road trip buddy who loves cranking the music and singing along and doesn't mind my howling. I haven't met many people that can let themselves sink into music, and be as touched and affected by a powerful piece as I can, but I finally did and I'm looking forward to our drinks and music night that we have to do soon :)

So yeah, it's been an amazing couple of weeks.... but I still want to talk about work and what's going on there, and this post is long, so I'll stop this one here

Thanks gang for making a girl feel welcome :)

Cyclical Meanderings.... pt. 3

I've been wanting to write for two days now, but too much is jumbling up in there to get out any coherent thoughts. So I'll just start typing, see where it leads me

I took a trip in the rain, thought it would wash me away, return me to my past, strip her from me, yet, after fear, regret, panic, it passed, like it always does. We should all remember that, dark times always pass.

A golden haired healer took my hand in hers and calmed my soul. After the panic had passed, and I bared that small, scared part of me, her eyes showed only love and acceptance. The bearded one with the lion's mane always present, worrying without letting me see, supporting me as he has always done.

A part of me broke, and was reshaped. There is a lot more breaking and shaping to be done, that is certain. But the thing to remember is that the rain didn't wash me away, sitting in a towel and a tshirt, soaked from a true torrent, I was still me, even more so. I was shocked when I realized it. The fear melted

I danced

I step back from the keyboard as a wave of emotion rocks me on my heels

At the end of the trip, before we all slept, I cleaned, and removed the remainder of the sludge from my face. And looked in the mirror. and still saw him.

so I walked out of the bathroom and approached the healer. stood there for a moment, coughed, got her attention. she looked into my eyes the same way she always had, so I motioned to my face, but all she saw was Dawn. The healer, a sister, only sees me.

we sleep badly and I depart, a new woman in some ways

I agreed to go to an event this coming weekend, the type of non stop massive organized zen music yoga I'm-not-entirely-sure party out in the woods event. The type of thing I've always wanted to attend, yet always talked my way out of. the same fear settles in, and I look for ways out. but, like the discussion with my therapist showed, this is an opportunity.

it scares me, yet I can't truly explain why.

but I'm gonna do it, goddamn it, I'm gonna do it

and I won't give the responsibility to take care of me to the healer, who I'll be going with. This is my time, explore, experience, share, not follow, search, hunt, play. Chill

heal

grow

learn

during the trip, the healer said to me that she feels that no matter what she attempts, she cannot fail. I said to her, don't worry about failing, don't worry about succeeding, just do, just be

it's good advice

and as usual, the advice you give is the advice you should be following