I was trying to write a title which made people sing that David Bowie song, Changes.... as in... ch ch ch ch chhaaaanges!
anyways...
One question that I get often from interested folks is, quite simply, what are all the changes that your body and personality have gone through since starting hormones?, how long did they take to occur?, when did I start feeling them?
I remember back when I was searching, questioning, and googling obsessively for any information I could find out "teh trans", that stories like this always got my attention, and I would seek them out, always wondering... what if those amazing things that happened to her could also happen to me?, is it common what they are going through?, what are the chances that it could happen to me as well!?
The day I started hormones was pretty intense, not only due to the new drugs in my system, after all, after an hour its not like anything had changed internally, but simply because of the emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time due to my ex's feelings about it all. Even with all of that craziness though, I noticed changes almost immediately. How could you know that the changes were due to the hormones you may ask?. On day one, they were probably psychological, sure... the calm that I felt in my soul, even with things imploding around me, that couldn't have been a physical reaction to the drugs, it was just my psyche finally relaxing, knowing that the journey has actually started. We almost all experience a new sense of calm from almost the moment that we start.
But the second day, I got home and Becca wasn't there yet, and I actually felt in a pretty good mood, so I went down to play some drums on RockBand. I banged on those damn things for a good hour, demolishing most of my high scores, and I realized only once I was too tired to continue (plus, Becca had gotten home by then), that I had not lost my cool once during the whole session. People who know me know how I can get with video games, especially those that I consider myself damn good at.... I get *mad* when I screw up... or I should say... I used to get mad when I screwed up. But during that whole hour, I didn't curse once, didn't get frustrated and slam the sticks on the pads once, I was calm. Again, hormones?, lack of testosterone?, a mental well being that I hadn't felt in who-knows-how-long?, I'll never really know.
The weird stuff started happening on day 2. I recall noticing that morning in the shower that I didn't have the mess of lost hair that I usually do after washing it, my hair had stopped breaking off... neat. That evening while eating dinner with Becca, I recall munching on my salad marveling at a new and interesting flavour that I had never tasted before.... I commented on it to her, I described the flavour, she looked at me and said "that's arugula... you hate that stuff", but all of a sudden, it was downright yummy. I noticed that weekend that I also found green and red peppers delicious, something I had hated my entire life. I had never heard of hormones changing ones taste buds before, but there you have it!, I even enjoy coriander now believe it or not.
Cooked fish still tastes like shit though.... sorry....
On day 3, I didn't wash, Becca and I spent that whole Saturday talking, crying, pleading, explaining, dealing.... and sometime in the afternoon, in the middle of some discussion, I ran my hands though my hair (as I continuously do) and realized that it wasn't greasy. I realized that I didn't stink (those who knew me in my previous life knew what a greasy mofo I was, ugh), my skin was smooth, my scalp was smooth, my hair was soft, my skin was softer than it had ever been before. This wasn't all in my mind either, Becca agreed once I brought it up and she checked for herself.
People are still shocked at the softness and smoothness of my skin, sure *he* was never rugged, but he never had skin like this either.
The next changes that I realized were again psychological, I could sleep. Life going to hell in a handbasket, but I could sleep. I've ground my teeth twice since I started my transition... and prior to that I'd wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth at least twice a week for most of my life. I could also get up in the morning without fighting my self to do so, the depression was fading (never quite left, but so much more manageable now).
Speaking of sleeping, I do have to get up more often to pee now.... yes, a woman's bladder is smaller than a man's, and that, as with most things, is controlled by hormones. My frakin bladder has shrunk....
It's impossible to say when each step occurred, these things don't just happen overnight, you just notice it at one point. A few weeks in, my chest started to hurt, I'd feel pressure, sensitivity, the feeling of something moving under my nipples, the sensation of things popping and bursting under there. It didn't last long, and it took a few months until things started happening visually, but I felt the work starting very early.
I never noticed my curves changing, but I'm the same weight I was when I started, yet I've gone from an L/XL, size 11 to 13, down to a medium, wearing sizes 7/9. My bust has gone from a 38 to a 36 (bloody godsend that, because 38A doesn't exist!), and I look better in my skinny jeans than I ever have. Weird thing is I have a good friend taking my measurements every couple of months, and the raw numbers have barely changed.... yet I see the changes in my wardrobe.... go figure. Oh, and I look fucking killer in a bikini, so that is pretty awesome.
The next big difference I noticed was strength, and I started being bothered by it after about a month, month and a half. First time I noticed this was getting kitty litter. It's an 18kg box, and I was used to just grabbing it with one hand and lugging it into the house.... but no.... no more of that. I need to stand in front of the damn thing now, use both hands, and lift with my legs to make sure I don't hurt anything.... and I'm in the best shape of my life. Go figure...
At around the 3 or 4 month mark, I recall looking at myself in the mirror and being shocked by the changes. This is around the time I wrote the post saying sorry to the old me. My face has been shifting, almost imperceptibly, but when you look at a picture of the old me with the new me right next to him, it's quite different.... the same.... yet different. It doesn't take much to make a face look different, half a millimeter here, a tiny shift there, and it can soften your entire look. Impossible to say where the changes have occurred, but clear that they have.
At around that time as well my breasts really started to feel pain, as though I had a golf ball under each nipple covered in broken glass. I still sleep on my stomach, but I tuck my arms under me to reduce the pressure on my chest. Now, at eight months in, I have actual little breasts, the feeling, the shape, the way they move slightly out of sync with the rest of my body, the feeling is surreal.
so, what have we covered... hair, smells, tastes, skin, strength, boobs, curves, face..... ok.... just one thing left to discuss.
for those who really don't need to know this.... you can skip the next two paragraphs
to all the rest of you...
For people who have never owned and operated a penis, a little lesson which will assist in illustrating. The damn things really do have a mind of their own, a man really can't control what its going to do as he goes about its day, it will shift, swell, move around (no, not that literally) as the blood rushes in and drains from it a gazillion times a day. I no longer have to deal with any of that, the T blockers have essentially removed its brain (ooh, good analogy, just came up with that). I am now in complete control of it, if I need to use it, I still can, just takes longer, and for someone like me, that's pretty fucking awesome. I don't have to worry about a bulge suddenly occurring under a tight skirt, I can even get away with wearing a bikini bottom with a bit of inventive placement, essentially, I don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore, it's just... there.
Other changes have occurred to it as well, you shrink in size, you can't get 100% hard (maybe around 75 I'd guess at), the "boys" will eventually disappear for the most part as you lose about 50% of size per year, and I'm following what is normal for all of that. The sensitivity I've lost down there, while a touch worrying at first, has been replaced with an enourmous gain in sensitivity throughout the rest of my body, and once I started to realize that, and start to explore my new system, I found that this way is wwaaaaayyyy better (at least for me!). My whole body has become an erogenous zone, not just the obvious parts, breasts, neck, thighs, but everything... My brain has accepted the nervous rewiring very well, I've found new ways of receiving pleasure, I can have what I consider to be a "female" orgasm now, in that it is my whole body reacting as if its riding a wave, it isn't a kaboom-done cutoff point like ejaculating always was for me as a man (oh, ok, I'm done now, time for a sandwich!). The first man I was with post hormones was sweet enough to hold me as my body shook for (what felt like) twenty minutes after we were together, I had never experienced anything like that before, yet in a way, I had, but from his point of view. I've lay there in bed holding a quivering woman against me as she let her system relax after a mind shattering orgasm... and now it was me in that position.... beautiful, surprising, and amazing.
so... T.M.I.?.... seriously, if you've been reading my words up to this point, you really shouldn't be surprised.
so there you have it, I think I covered it all, probably forgot something as is standard for me, but yup. Only 8 months under my belt, can't wait to see what the next year brings (c'mon B cups!!!!!, w00t!!!)
thanks for listening
Friday, 22 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
an excercise
I walk into the room as she does. We sit across from each other.
- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?
She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing
- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.
- but still...
- I know... shut up.
She thinks for a while
- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?
We grin
- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....
...
- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....
- yeah, I get it
- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....
...
- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to
- well... what are you alluding to then?
She fidgets again
- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.
- ya don't say
- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.
- oh?
- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....
- held back...
- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk
- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend
- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...
- with?
- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.
- very cool
- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.
- of course
- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on
I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting
- feel better?
- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on
- what's that?
- boobs
- pardon?
- you heard me... boobs!
...
- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.
- ya don't say.....
- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...
- okaaaaay....
- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!
- ok, enough
- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!
we look at each other... laughing
- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks
- anytime
I get up from the mirror
- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?
She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing
- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.
- but still...
- I know... shut up.
She thinks for a while
- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?
We grin
- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....
...
- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....
- yeah, I get it
- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....
...
- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to
- well... what are you alluding to then?
She fidgets again
- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.
- ya don't say
- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.
- oh?
- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....
- held back...
- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk
- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend
- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...
- with?
- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.
- very cool
- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.
- of course
- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on
I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting
- feel better?
- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on
- what's that?
- boobs
- pardon?
- you heard me... boobs!
...
- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.
- ya don't say.....
- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...
- okaaaaay....
- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!
- ok, enough
- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!
we look at each other... laughing
- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks
- anytime
I get up from the mirror
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
A bittersweet farewell
I broke up with my therapist today...
yeah it's a happy time, I feel good to go it alone and that's a great thing, but she really became someone special to me so at the same time, it feels like I'm saying goodbye to a close friend.
weird thing is that I don't really know a thing about her, lol, she has that no personal disclosure policy which is cool, but I've often wanted to know her. I never felt that we had a doctor-patient relationship, more like a friend who was helping me figure stuff out on my own like many of my friends now do, and as I've become more open around my friends (also as I've surrounded myself with the right type of people to be open around) the line between her and the rest of my girls started to fade.
as life got better and better, especially over the past few months, going to see her has been less about getting "help", and more about wanting to tell her about all the awesome things that are going on with me.... thing is, I'm paying her a very good rate to do so... heheheh... and money is a little tight these days
two sessions ago, while gushing about all the awesome stuff that had happened to me lately, I looked up at one point, and found her in tears with this big goofy grin from ear to ear
ha!, I feel like I scored a point there, heheheheheh, it was great to see someone who had helped me so frakin much be that touched by my experiences, by my joy
and she knows that she played a huge part in that
a smidgen over a year ago I had my first session, I remember sitting down in tears, a boy, scruffy, and just dumping the last few weeks onto her lap (which happened to be my trip to Victoria, the aftermath, Becca leaving on vacation for a month, heavy stuff) before she even got a chance to introduce herself....
those that know me, know that I can talk non stop if the need hits me
I remember walking out of there, face soaked in tears, feeling good, feeling hopeful.
even though I expected, and kind of wanted, to have a therapist who would analyze me, try to crack me open, someone aggressive (as my therapy style happens to be, and it works for me), she didn't have that approach. She let me talk, and babble, and more often than not, I would find my own conclusions, she was my sounding board, and my mirror, and occasionally a guide through my own disconnected babbling. Her strength, with me at least, was seeing the voids in my story, showing me the one thing that I knew, but hadn't realized that I had known, the knowledge that I was dancing around, the knowledge that once I would see I could never un-see so my mind would ignore it, keeping itself safe....
that may be confusing.... I'll illustrate with one sledgehammer that she hit me with
this was pre-final-acceptance-that-I-was-trans, I remember being depressed, miserable about what I was, these life altering choices before me. I played a mental game with myself. I pictured myself as an old man, still a crossdresser, putting on his wig, doing his makeup, the fake boobs and butt pads, and I remember my stomach twisting, the thought literally gave me pain. I then thought of myself as an old trans woman, little saggy boobs in my little bra, old soft face, pulling on those granny panties and maybe still shaving some stubborn stubble on my chin every morning, and still slapping on those estrogen patches twice a week.... and I smiled, and while it was scary at the time, the pain in my stomach relaxed***
I was about to launch into another tangential story and a little twist of a smile appeared on the corner of her mouth.... she paused me with a look
"so, no matter what, Dawn is still going to be a part of your life right?..... you never pictured yourself as just a guy in the end"
it hit me like a ton of bricks.... at that time I was still trying to really accept that I was trans -vs- just cuckoo... and that was a big first step in making the final choice that I did
but like I said, lately, sure we talk about tough stuff, but by the time I get to see her, I've already talked about that tough stuff with my girls and probably with Chuck as well, dealt with it, and have moved on, so to her I'm giving her a report in a sense.... don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing it, and I am really sad that I'm not going to be able to do it anymore... but it's like, I love that she is proud of me, cause I know she is, I think overall, my story is a big fucking success
I hope she's proud of herself as well.... if not..... BE PROUD DAMMIT!
the way it works up here, and for all I know, everywhere, is that a therapist can't see a client outside of a professional setting for 2 years since the last actual session. I understand the need for the rule, and how it has to be sacrosanct (love that word), but well, it still kinda sucks, cause I would love to share a bottle of wine, chat, listen to some music, and teach her how to hoop in the park.... I know the girls would love her
and I also feel that she is on a similar journey to mine, to the journeys that we are all on, the people close to me, the seekers. Something I've found in all of us in the group, some more than others, we are all happy, but unsatisfied, we are searching for something, exploring life still, we aren't sitting on the couch letting life go by
and it would be cool to share that journey, like I said before, I don't actually know a thing about her, but I've learned from her eyes, her little reactions, her body speaks volumes even as she tries to keep herself under control, and there is a kindred spirit in there.... and I really hope I'm wrong.... but I have this feeling that she doesn't have that many safe people close to her.... I'll let her analyze that, hehe
all that roundabout stuff to say
thank you doc, thank you so much for allowing me to find myself, for forcing me to do the one thing I was always too terrified to do, the one thing I always wanted someone else to do for me
make a choice
and I did
and I fucking won
love you girl, see you in 2 years, in my park, under my damn tree :D
hugs
***: notice what I did, completely subconsciously in that story... when I was describing the possible male future, I said "him", when I was describing the possible female future, I said "my"..... this is what I mean by over analyzing, heheheheheh
yeah it's a happy time, I feel good to go it alone and that's a great thing, but she really became someone special to me so at the same time, it feels like I'm saying goodbye to a close friend.
weird thing is that I don't really know a thing about her, lol, she has that no personal disclosure policy which is cool, but I've often wanted to know her. I never felt that we had a doctor-patient relationship, more like a friend who was helping me figure stuff out on my own like many of my friends now do, and as I've become more open around my friends (also as I've surrounded myself with the right type of people to be open around) the line between her and the rest of my girls started to fade.
as life got better and better, especially over the past few months, going to see her has been less about getting "help", and more about wanting to tell her about all the awesome things that are going on with me.... thing is, I'm paying her a very good rate to do so... heheheh... and money is a little tight these days
two sessions ago, while gushing about all the awesome stuff that had happened to me lately, I looked up at one point, and found her in tears with this big goofy grin from ear to ear
ha!, I feel like I scored a point there, heheheheheh, it was great to see someone who had helped me so frakin much be that touched by my experiences, by my joy
and she knows that she played a huge part in that
a smidgen over a year ago I had my first session, I remember sitting down in tears, a boy, scruffy, and just dumping the last few weeks onto her lap (which happened to be my trip to Victoria, the aftermath, Becca leaving on vacation for a month, heavy stuff) before she even got a chance to introduce herself....
those that know me, know that I can talk non stop if the need hits me
I remember walking out of there, face soaked in tears, feeling good, feeling hopeful.
even though I expected, and kind of wanted, to have a therapist who would analyze me, try to crack me open, someone aggressive (as my therapy style happens to be, and it works for me), she didn't have that approach. She let me talk, and babble, and more often than not, I would find my own conclusions, she was my sounding board, and my mirror, and occasionally a guide through my own disconnected babbling. Her strength, with me at least, was seeing the voids in my story, showing me the one thing that I knew, but hadn't realized that I had known, the knowledge that I was dancing around, the knowledge that once I would see I could never un-see so my mind would ignore it, keeping itself safe....
that may be confusing.... I'll illustrate with one sledgehammer that she hit me with
this was pre-final-acceptance-that-I-was-trans, I remember being depressed, miserable about what I was, these life altering choices before me. I played a mental game with myself. I pictured myself as an old man, still a crossdresser, putting on his wig, doing his makeup, the fake boobs and butt pads, and I remember my stomach twisting, the thought literally gave me pain. I then thought of myself as an old trans woman, little saggy boobs in my little bra, old soft face, pulling on those granny panties and maybe still shaving some stubborn stubble on my chin every morning, and still slapping on those estrogen patches twice a week.... and I smiled, and while it was scary at the time, the pain in my stomach relaxed***
I was about to launch into another tangential story and a little twist of a smile appeared on the corner of her mouth.... she paused me with a look
"so, no matter what, Dawn is still going to be a part of your life right?..... you never pictured yourself as just a guy in the end"
it hit me like a ton of bricks.... at that time I was still trying to really accept that I was trans -vs- just cuckoo... and that was a big first step in making the final choice that I did
but like I said, lately, sure we talk about tough stuff, but by the time I get to see her, I've already talked about that tough stuff with my girls and probably with Chuck as well, dealt with it, and have moved on, so to her I'm giving her a report in a sense.... don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing it, and I am really sad that I'm not going to be able to do it anymore... but it's like, I love that she is proud of me, cause I know she is, I think overall, my story is a big fucking success
I hope she's proud of herself as well.... if not..... BE PROUD DAMMIT!
the way it works up here, and for all I know, everywhere, is that a therapist can't see a client outside of a professional setting for 2 years since the last actual session. I understand the need for the rule, and how it has to be sacrosanct (love that word), but well, it still kinda sucks, cause I would love to share a bottle of wine, chat, listen to some music, and teach her how to hoop in the park.... I know the girls would love her
and I also feel that she is on a similar journey to mine, to the journeys that we are all on, the people close to me, the seekers. Something I've found in all of us in the group, some more than others, we are all happy, but unsatisfied, we are searching for something, exploring life still, we aren't sitting on the couch letting life go by
and it would be cool to share that journey, like I said before, I don't actually know a thing about her, but I've learned from her eyes, her little reactions, her body speaks volumes even as she tries to keep herself under control, and there is a kindred spirit in there.... and I really hope I'm wrong.... but I have this feeling that she doesn't have that many safe people close to her.... I'll let her analyze that, hehe
all that roundabout stuff to say
thank you doc, thank you so much for allowing me to find myself, for forcing me to do the one thing I was always too terrified to do, the one thing I always wanted someone else to do for me
make a choice
and I did
and I fucking won
love you girl, see you in 2 years, in my park, under my damn tree :D
hugs
***: notice what I did, completely subconsciously in that story... when I was describing the possible male future, I said "him", when I was describing the possible female future, I said "my"..... this is what I mean by over analyzing, heheheheheh
Friday, 30 August 2013
over
So, I got divorced today...
It was cold, sterile, the waiting room where I went over what was going to be said, the building itself, cold, heartless.
We went through the ritual, stating our identities, why we were here
what she wanted
it didn't take very long in all honesty, a few questions, a few words from Becca explaining why this needed to end
I don't need to write down the words, I'll remember them, how she looked
Plus, that isn't for the public
she went through another great loss just yesterday, and it put things in perspective for me a bit. She is going through so much more than I am right now, this whole thing, it weighs heavier on her. I kept myself calm and soft today, not cold and emotionless, I don't think I would have been able to pull that off, but just tried to keep calm without being happy, you know what I mean.
so I cried on the way home afterwards after I remembered what she looked like on our wedding day.
a girlfriend of mine came with me today, spent the night with me last night, just to be there, she made it bearable. I would have driven myself insane last night if I had stayed alone, probably not even made it in in time.
she has never met Becca, and didn't get to see what she looked like today either, so I was describing her, and that got me thinking, and tearing up, fuck it, I'm allowed to be sad as well
so yeah, my relationship with my ex wife was officially dissolved by a Canadian court of law, that's fucked up, what do they have to do with anything?
I guess I'm still angry a bit
a door closes
take care of yourself Rebecca
love you
It was cold, sterile, the waiting room where I went over what was going to be said, the building itself, cold, heartless.
We went through the ritual, stating our identities, why we were here
what she wanted
it didn't take very long in all honesty, a few questions, a few words from Becca explaining why this needed to end
I don't need to write down the words, I'll remember them, how she looked
Plus, that isn't for the public
she went through another great loss just yesterday, and it put things in perspective for me a bit. She is going through so much more than I am right now, this whole thing, it weighs heavier on her. I kept myself calm and soft today, not cold and emotionless, I don't think I would have been able to pull that off, but just tried to keep calm without being happy, you know what I mean.
so I cried on the way home afterwards after I remembered what she looked like on our wedding day.
a girlfriend of mine came with me today, spent the night with me last night, just to be there, she made it bearable. I would have driven myself insane last night if I had stayed alone, probably not even made it in in time.
she has never met Becca, and didn't get to see what she looked like today either, so I was describing her, and that got me thinking, and tearing up, fuck it, I'm allowed to be sad as well
so yeah, my relationship with my ex wife was officially dissolved by a Canadian court of law, that's fucked up, what do they have to do with anything?
I guess I'm still angry a bit
a door closes
take care of yourself Rebecca
love you
Monday, 26 August 2013
the D word
when I tell people I'm going to be divorced by the end of the week, a lot of them, over half, are happy and congratulatory, some have tried to high five me
and for whatever reason, it stings, it really hurts
yes it has to happen, I guess the earlier the better in some ways, not like there was any hope of reconciliation, and even if there was, I don't want us back, I know it wouldn't work, the people that fell in love with each other no longer exist.... on my side literally
but it makes me sad, really sad, this among other things has kept me holding back tears the past couple of days
no one gets married to get divorced....
Becca and I haven't spoken since the house inspection a few months back now, haven't seen each other. No news, no idea
I do hope she's doing OK
and growing
I've come a long way, and I am doing good, and I have wonderful people around me, supporting me
I was asked today if I was feeling lonely and unloved..... despite the glaring evidence to the contrary.... hehehe.... it's true, I've never had this many open, and positive people around me before in my life
while I've been lucky enough to have all these awesome experiences, it's also been keeping me quite distracted... maybe I haven't dealt with all my loss fully yet
I got married just three short years ago, a beautiful day in all respects, full of hope
and in four short days it'll be officially over, even though its been over for some time now
but there is something final about being in a court isn't there?
I'm not looking forward to this
and for whatever reason, it stings, it really hurts
yes it has to happen, I guess the earlier the better in some ways, not like there was any hope of reconciliation, and even if there was, I don't want us back, I know it wouldn't work, the people that fell in love with each other no longer exist.... on my side literally
but it makes me sad, really sad, this among other things has kept me holding back tears the past couple of days
no one gets married to get divorced....
Becca and I haven't spoken since the house inspection a few months back now, haven't seen each other. No news, no idea
I do hope she's doing OK
and growing
I've come a long way, and I am doing good, and I have wonderful people around me, supporting me
I was asked today if I was feeling lonely and unloved..... despite the glaring evidence to the contrary.... hehehe.... it's true, I've never had this many open, and positive people around me before in my life
while I've been lucky enough to have all these awesome experiences, it's also been keeping me quite distracted... maybe I haven't dealt with all my loss fully yet
I got married just three short years ago, a beautiful day in all respects, full of hope
and in four short days it'll be officially over, even though its been over for some time now
but there is something final about being in a court isn't there?
I'm not looking forward to this
Saturday, 24 August 2013
Stitches of Time
all paraphrasing of course, unless I'm not, but it's not important, what is key is the message within. These are all blessings that I've been given this year, maybe to me, maybe I've been given the gift to say them, maybe I simply heard them
"I've never experienced anything like this my entire life, and you've all been part of it, thank you"
"my god you're beautiful"
"you know, ever since the festival, actually, ever since I've met all of you, I just feel so much more positive about ... well ... about everything actually"
"you've been Dawn for months now regardless of what you've been wearing. Superman is still superman even when he's not wearing his cape"
"tonight, this weekend, I met the real you, I'm looking at her right now"
"don't give up, you can have the life you want, I don't want to see you married, fat and unhappy, haven given up. That's not for you, promise me that"
"just live, just be"
"I remember looking at the two of you this morning, him with his coffee and wild beard, you in your bikini top, taping hoops, at your home, after we all just had such a beautiful experience together the night before, and I ask myself, is this even real?, do these beautiful people that I've just met but feel so close to, are they real?, do they actually exist?, can people live this way?. When I'm at work, and I think about my new life, it's as if its happening to someone else, it's so beautiful that it can't be real..... can it?"
"you're so calm now"
"take my hand... breathe.... it'll be ok"
"I've been watching you these past couple of days, and I just needed to say... thank you... my god thank you.... you are so comfortable in your own skin, you have such a beautiful energy coming from you, just the way that you dance makes people around you smile.... thank you for being here and giving yourself to us"
"there is something about you, I've always had this easy connection to you and felt safe, and I want to share with you, but I'm scared.... "
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul"
"This is Dawn, I just met her a few hours ago, but we shared something beautiful and magical together"
"I was thinking the other day about all the people who have newly come into my life, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really happy to know you. I'm not often on fb, but seeing you here makes me smile. Thanks for your positive energy!"
"You, this, all of it, are Montreal for me, and I'll be back"
"You are so comfortable in your own skin, that everyone around you has no choice but to be comfortable as well"
"... you should talk and share yourself, you have a gift...."
"You guys go ahead, I'm good here"
"I had such a beautiful day, that it couldn't get any better, until it did"
"I normally find it so hard to talk about this stuff....but with you... it's so easy, I want to share, and it feels so good"
"I've missed holding you"
"Welcome to the tribe"
"You're without a doubt the most interesting person I've met here, I keep looking out for you wanting to chat some more"
"thank you for our challenges, thank you for all the difficult choices we've had to make and all the obstacles that we've had to overcome, thank you for making us who we are"
"it's all about sharing, giving, and love"
"four days later, I met you all, or re-met you as the case happens to be. And somehow, you all became my new family, just as I lost my old one"...... "oh wow, thank you, I feel really close to you as well"
"I'm so glad you came over, I saw you hug everyone else and I was all.... aww.... I want a hug as well"
"One day you'll meet this awesome kid half your age, just out there in the world for the first real time, exploring, and you'll take care of them a bit, and spend time with them, and you're going to find that you get even more out of the meeting than they do. That's all I want, keep yourself open to that in your future, and pay it forward. You're an amazing person"
"Thank you for sharing so much of your time with me while you were here, I think we're going to remember each other for as long as we live even if we never get to see each other again"
"Thank you for being a part of my life"
"You're.... you're... just Dawn"
"I've never experienced anything like this my entire life, and you've all been part of it, thank you"
"my god you're beautiful"
"you know, ever since the festival, actually, ever since I've met all of you, I just feel so much more positive about ... well ... about everything actually"
"you've been Dawn for months now regardless of what you've been wearing. Superman is still superman even when he's not wearing his cape"
"tonight, this weekend, I met the real you, I'm looking at her right now"
"don't give up, you can have the life you want, I don't want to see you married, fat and unhappy, haven given up. That's not for you, promise me that"
"just live, just be"
"I remember looking at the two of you this morning, him with his coffee and wild beard, you in your bikini top, taping hoops, at your home, after we all just had such a beautiful experience together the night before, and I ask myself, is this even real?, do these beautiful people that I've just met but feel so close to, are they real?, do they actually exist?, can people live this way?. When I'm at work, and I think about my new life, it's as if its happening to someone else, it's so beautiful that it can't be real..... can it?"
"you're so calm now"
"take my hand... breathe.... it'll be ok"
"I've been watching you these past couple of days, and I just needed to say... thank you... my god thank you.... you are so comfortable in your own skin, you have such a beautiful energy coming from you, just the way that you dance makes people around you smile.... thank you for being here and giving yourself to us"
"there is something about you, I've always had this easy connection to you and felt safe, and I want to share with you, but I'm scared.... "
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul"
"This is Dawn, I just met her a few hours ago, but we shared something beautiful and magical together"
"I was thinking the other day about all the people who have newly come into my life, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really happy to know you. I'm not often on fb, but seeing you here makes me smile. Thanks for your positive energy!"
"You, this, all of it, are Montreal for me, and I'll be back"
"You are so comfortable in your own skin, that everyone around you has no choice but to be comfortable as well"
"... you should talk and share yourself, you have a gift...."
"You guys go ahead, I'm good here"
"I had such a beautiful day, that it couldn't get any better, until it did"
"I normally find it so hard to talk about this stuff....but with you... it's so easy, I want to share, and it feels so good"
"I've missed holding you"
"Welcome to the tribe"
"You're without a doubt the most interesting person I've met here, I keep looking out for you wanting to chat some more"
"thank you for our challenges, thank you for all the difficult choices we've had to make and all the obstacles that we've had to overcome, thank you for making us who we are"
"it's all about sharing, giving, and love"
"four days later, I met you all, or re-met you as the case happens to be. And somehow, you all became my new family, just as I lost my old one"...... "oh wow, thank you, I feel really close to you as well"
"I'm so glad you came over, I saw you hug everyone else and I was all.... aww.... I want a hug as well"
"One day you'll meet this awesome kid half your age, just out there in the world for the first real time, exploring, and you'll take care of them a bit, and spend time with them, and you're going to find that you get even more out of the meeting than they do. That's all I want, keep yourself open to that in your future, and pay it forward. You're an amazing person"
"Thank you for sharing so much of your time with me while you were here, I think we're going to remember each other for as long as we live even if we never get to see each other again"
"Thank you for being a part of my life"
"You're.... you're... just Dawn"
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