A bittersweet farewell

I broke up with my therapist today...

yeah it's a happy time, I feel good to go it alone and that's a great thing, but she really became someone special to me so at the same time, it feels like I'm saying goodbye to a close friend.

weird thing is that I don't really know a thing about her, lol, she has that no personal disclosure policy which is cool, but I've often wanted to know her. I never felt that we had a doctor-patient relationship, more like a friend who was helping me figure stuff out on my own like many of my friends now do, and as I've become more open around my friends (also as I've surrounded myself with the right type of people to be open around) the line between her and the rest of my girls started to fade.

as life got better and better, especially over the past few months, going to see her has been less about getting "help", and more about wanting to tell her about all the awesome things that are going on with me.... thing is, I'm paying her a very good rate to do so... heheheh... and money is a little tight these days

two sessions ago, while gushing about all the awesome stuff that had happened to me lately, I looked up at one point, and found her in tears with this big goofy grin from ear to ear

ha!, I feel like I scored a point there, heheheheheh, it was great to see someone who had helped me so frakin much be that touched by my experiences, by my joy

and she knows that she played a huge part in that

a smidgen over a year ago I had my first session, I remember sitting down in tears, a boy, scruffy, and just dumping the last few weeks onto her lap (which happened to be my trip to Victoria, the aftermath, Becca leaving on vacation for a month, heavy stuff) before she even got a chance to introduce herself....

those that know me, know that I can talk non stop if the need hits me

I remember walking out of there, face soaked in tears, feeling good, feeling hopeful.

even though I expected, and kind of wanted, to have a therapist who would analyze me, try to crack me open, someone aggressive (as my therapy style happens to be, and it works for me), she didn't have that approach. She let me talk, and babble, and more often than not, I would find my own conclusions, she was my sounding board, and my mirror, and occasionally a guide through my own disconnected babbling. Her strength, with me at least, was seeing the voids in my story, showing me the one thing that I knew, but hadn't realized that I had known, the knowledge that I was dancing around, the knowledge that once I would see I could never un-see so my mind would ignore it, keeping itself safe....

that may be confusing.... I'll illustrate with one sledgehammer that she hit me with

this was pre-final-acceptance-that-I-was-trans, I remember being depressed, miserable about what I was, these life altering choices before me. I played a mental game with myself. I pictured myself as an old man, still a crossdresser, putting on his wig, doing his makeup, the fake boobs and butt pads, and I remember my stomach twisting, the thought literally gave me pain. I then thought of myself as an old trans woman, little saggy boobs in my little bra, old soft face, pulling on those granny panties and maybe still shaving some stubborn stubble on my chin every morning, and still slapping on those estrogen patches twice a week.... and I smiled, and while it was scary at the time, the pain in my stomach relaxed***

I was about to launch into another tangential story and a little twist of a smile appeared on the corner of her mouth.... she paused me with a look

"so, no matter what, Dawn is still going to be a part of your life right?..... you never pictured yourself as just a guy in the end"

it hit me like a ton of bricks.... at that time I was still trying to really accept that I was trans -vs- just cuckoo... and that was a big first step in making the final choice that I did

but like I said, lately, sure we talk about tough stuff, but by the time I get to see her, I've already talked about that tough stuff with my girls and probably with Chuck as well, dealt with it, and have moved on, so to her I'm giving her a report in a sense.... don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing it, and I am really sad that I'm not going to be able to do it anymore... but it's like, I love that she is proud of me, cause I know she is, I think overall, my story is a big fucking success

I hope she's proud of herself as well.... if not..... BE PROUD DAMMIT!

the way it works up here, and for all I know, everywhere, is that a therapist can't see a client outside of a professional setting for 2 years since the last actual session. I understand the need for the rule, and how it has to be sacrosanct (love that word), but well, it still kinda sucks, cause I would love to share a bottle of wine, chat, listen to some music, and teach her how to hoop in the park.... I know the girls would love her

and I also feel that she is on a similar journey to mine, to the journeys that we are all on, the people close to me, the seekers. Something I've found in all of us in the group, some more than others, we are all happy, but unsatisfied, we are searching for something, exploring life still, we aren't sitting on the couch letting life go by

and it would be cool to share that journey, like I said before, I don't actually know a thing about her, but I've learned from her eyes, her little reactions, her body speaks volumes even as she tries to keep herself under control, and there is a kindred spirit in there.... and I really hope I'm wrong.... but I have this feeling that she doesn't have that many safe people close to her.... I'll let her analyze that, hehe

all that roundabout stuff to say

thank you doc, thank you so much for allowing me to find myself, for forcing me to do the one thing I was always too terrified to do, the one thing I always wanted someone else to do for me

make a choice

and I did

and I fucking won

love you girl, see you in 2 years, in my park, under my damn tree :D

hugs

***: notice what I did, completely subconsciously in that story... when I was describing the possible male future, I said "him", when I was describing the possible female future, I said "my"..... this is what I mean by over analyzing, heheheheheh

over

So, I got divorced today...

It was cold, sterile, the waiting room where I went over what was going to be said, the building itself, cold, heartless.

We went through the ritual, stating our identities, why we were here

what she wanted

it didn't take very long in all honesty, a few questions, a few words from Becca explaining why this needed to end

I don't need to write down the words, I'll remember them, how she looked

Plus, that isn't for the public

she went through another great loss just yesterday, and it put things in perspective for me a bit. She is going through so much more than I am right now, this whole thing, it weighs heavier on her. I kept myself calm and soft today, not cold and emotionless, I don't think I would have been able to pull that off, but just tried to keep calm without being happy, you know what I mean.

so I cried on the way home afterwards after I remembered what she looked like on our wedding day.

a girlfriend of mine came with me today, spent the night with me last night, just to be there, she made it bearable. I would have driven myself insane last night if I had stayed alone, probably not even made it in in time.

she has never met Becca, and didn't get to see what she looked like today either, so I was describing her, and that got me thinking, and tearing up, fuck it, I'm allowed to be sad as well

so yeah, my relationship with my ex wife was officially dissolved by a Canadian court of law, that's fucked up, what do they have to do with anything?

I guess I'm still angry a bit

a door closes

take care of yourself Rebecca

love you

the D word

when I tell people I'm going to be divorced by the end of the week, a lot of them, over half, are happy and congratulatory, some have tried to high five me

and for whatever reason, it stings, it really hurts

yes it has to happen, I guess the earlier the better in some ways, not like there was any hope of reconciliation, and even if there was, I don't want us back, I know it wouldn't work, the people that fell in love with each other no longer exist.... on my side literally

but it makes me sad, really sad, this among other things has kept me holding back tears the past couple of days

no one gets married to get divorced....

Becca and I haven't spoken since the house inspection a few months back now, haven't seen each other. No news, no idea

I do hope she's doing OK

and growing

I've come a long way, and I am doing good, and I have wonderful people around me, supporting me

I was asked today if I was feeling lonely and unloved..... despite the glaring evidence to the contrary.... hehehe.... it's true, I've never had this many open, and positive people around me before in my life

while I've been lucky enough to have all these awesome experiences, it's also been keeping me quite distracted... maybe I haven't dealt with all my loss fully yet

I got married just three short years ago, a beautiful day in all respects, full of hope

and in four short days it'll be officially over, even though its been over for some time now

but there is something final about being in a court isn't there?

I'm not looking forward to this

words have power

what

do

you

want

?

.

Stitches of Time

all paraphrasing of course, unless I'm not, but it's not important, what is key is the message within. These are all blessings that I've been given this year, maybe to me, maybe I've been given the gift to say them, maybe I simply heard them

"I've never experienced anything like this my entire life, and you've all been part of it, thank you"

"my god you're beautiful"

"you know, ever since the festival, actually, ever since I've met all of you, I just feel so much more positive about ... well ... about everything actually"

"you've been Dawn for months now regardless of what you've been wearing. Superman is still superman even when he's not wearing his cape"

"tonight, this weekend, I met the real you, I'm looking at her right now"

"don't give up, you can have the life you want, I don't want to see you married, fat and unhappy, haven given up. That's not for you, promise me that"

"just live, just be"

"I remember looking at the two of you this morning, him with his coffee and wild beard, you in your bikini top, taping hoops, at your home, after we all just had such a beautiful experience together the night before, and I ask myself, is this even real?, do these beautiful people that I've just met but feel so close to, are they real?, do they actually exist?, can people live this way?. When I'm at work, and I think about my new life, it's as if its happening to someone else, it's so beautiful that it can't be real..... can it?"

"you're so calm now"

"take my hand... breathe.... it'll be ok"

"I've been watching you these past couple of days, and I just needed to say... thank you... my god thank you.... you are so comfortable in your own skin, you have such a beautiful energy coming from you, just the way that you dance makes people around you smile.... thank you for being here and giving yourself to us"

"there is something about you, I've always had this easy connection to you and felt safe, and I want to share with you, but I'm scared.... "

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul"

"This is Dawn, I just met her a few hours ago, but we shared something beautiful and magical together"

"I was thinking the other day about all the people who have newly come into my life, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really happy to know you. I'm not often on fb, but seeing you here makes me smile. Thanks for your positive energy!"

"You, this, all of it, are Montreal for me, and I'll be back"

"You are so comfortable in your own skin, that everyone around you has no choice but to be comfortable as well"

"... you should talk and share yourself, you have a gift...."

"You guys go ahead, I'm good here"

"I had such a beautiful day, that it couldn't get any better, until it did"

"I normally find it so hard to talk about this stuff....but with you... it's so easy, I want to share, and it feels so good"

"I've missed holding you"

"Welcome to the tribe"

"You're without a doubt the most interesting person I've met here, I keep looking out for you wanting to chat some more"

"thank you for our challenges, thank you for all the difficult choices we've had to make and all the obstacles that we've had to overcome, thank you for making us who we are"

"it's all about sharing, giving, and love"

"four days later, I met you all, or re-met you as the case happens to be. And somehow, you all became my new family, just as I lost my old one"...... "oh wow, thank you, I feel really close to you as well"

"I'm so glad you came over, I saw you hug everyone else and I was all.... aww.... I want a hug as well"

"One day you'll meet this awesome kid half your age, just out there in the world for the first real time, exploring, and you'll take care of them a bit, and spend time with them, and you're going to find that you get even more out of the meeting than they do. That's all I want, keep yourself open to that in your future, and pay it forward. You're an amazing person"

"Thank you for sharing so much of your time with me while you were here, I think we're going to remember each other for as long as we live even if we never get to see each other again"

"Thank you for being a part of my life"

"You're.... you're... just Dawn"

Loss

Loss can be debilitating, I think most of us know that, and we hide from this potential pain so much that too often, we end up losing everything else around us without even realizing it

think of all of the couples that you know, the ones you know well. How many are truly happy?, the majority?, the minority?.... why do people stay together for so long when they know that they aren't happy, that they aren't right for each other?

why does it seem that for so many people, the ending of a relationship seems to invalidate the entire relationship itself.... as though.... if it doesn't have a happily ever after ending, the entire story was a lie

why can't people allow these relationships to die, naturally, and simply move on, accept that they aren't the same person they were when it all started and instead of judging that, embrace it, and see what else life has to offer.

I've reflected on how I've felt over the past four+ months, yes I've shed my tears, and expressed my rage, but all in all, I've been able to keep my eyes looking forward for the vast majority of the time, and a smile on my face and in my heart. Not something that was easy for me to do in past separations, past ... endings. I held on for too long, that is certain, and it was out of fear of loss, not just of her, but of the entire family, which, in the end, I did lose

but that's OK

I learned some positive things, and I learned some negative things which I now know to avoid in the future instead of embracing, and the fact that I am now moving on is good, I was stagnating there, I had no room to grow, and while the claustrophobia was comfortable, I was never honest within it, I knew it wasn't for me.

like so many of us know that the worlds we embed ourselves into are not really what we want, what we've always dreamed of

and there is nothing wrong with dreaming.....

so many of us dream that common dream, the home, the family, the kids and white picket fence, isolated and safe.... it's the story that has been broadcast into our consciousnesses since we were tiny and sucking on the disney teat.

it's a story I myself wanted for so long, even as a young teen those thoughts were strong in my head... wife.... kids... give them a life that I didn't have... give them love and care, the stuff that I had missed growing up... and that dream kept a hold of me stronger and stronger as my trans-ness reared its head

and I held on to it, to the point of getting married, and at one point, I realized that I only thought I wanted that dream.... the dream was a promise... just like the beer commercials promise you that if you get hammered on their stuff, you'll end up with Playboy models.... it was a promise of happiness, of no longer needing to fight and try and work at being happy

I had drank the kool-aid

how many of you are chasing a false dream....chasing a lie

living a lie

scared of losing the security and peace that you have.... convincing yourself its OK... it's not that bad... so many have it far worse

scared of loss..... scared of being wrong

here is something that may make you feel better, you weren't wrong, for you, at that point, you were right, but maybe since then you've lost sight of who you are, or more specifically, who you are now. You aren't the same person you were before, and that's a wonderful thing, and if its time for you to move on, look back in happiness, realize that not everything was bad, hold onto that, and forge a new path

loss can be debilitating.... but if its gotten to the point where losing something is debilitating.... then maybe you're holding onto that something a little too strongly, and maybe you should be looking for strength from within

Being Visible

I touched upon this in a tangential way on my last post, but another thing that has been on my mind a lot, and also made an impact on my time at this (and the first) festival.

being visibly trans

especially when you're camping in the woods and don't really get to look your best... i.e.

I mentioned in the previous post how a stranger randomly came up to me to tell me that I was beautiful and an inspiration, which is a pretty amazing thing to happen to anyone, but for me lately, it seems to happen a lot....

each time I danced at the circle, I would usually dance with my eyes closed and only open them from time to time. I enjoy feeling the music instead of watching it, yet, I do love to look at the people around me, all of them writhing in their own worlds, enjoying their own experiences. It seemed that at least half the time when I open my eyes to see, I would find other eyes upon me, not just glances, and not anything as rude as stares, but beautiful, happy, smiling faces, watching me in my dance, when our eyes would lock, the smile would get larger and brighter, and our eyes thanked each other

One evening while dancing, a woman I had never seen before appeared before me and told me that she had been watching me, and she simply needed to thank me for being so comfortable in my own skin, for dancing with such abandon and joy, and just for being who I am. That is a pretty amazing thing to be told

people remember you when you're the only visible trans person out there in this community (or at least, the only one that I've seen!). As it turns out, LOTS of people noticed me at the first festival, and when they recognized me, oh the smiles that I received, so beautiful, and those who hadn't seen me before, yes, the first time we lock eyes (I look everyone in the eyes) the eyebrow does occasionally raise as they "figure it out", but the smiles are always soon to follow, and each time we cross paths, the smile is there even before I've seen them

and it's not really because I'm trans, or lucky enough to be pretty while still being visible, it's because the way I now feel about myself shines through no matter what. As one of the prayers around the campfire said, "I'm learning to fall in love with myself". When that line was first spoken, I bristled at it, thinking it selfish and a strange thing to say in that type of environment.... but it's true.... if we can't love ourselves.... we can't truly love others or share that love. We can't bring people up if we aren't already there, and that starts with love and acceptance, of all ones warts as well as ones blessings.

I'm not the only one to be thanked like this at these types of events, or to have these experiences, so please don't think "well I wouldn't be treated that way....".... being visibly different just brings those eyes to you quicker, but when you really do feel that smile inside you, which is there because you truly do love yourself, then no one will be able to ignore it, and you'll see that beautiful things and experiences suddenly start finding you

look someone in the eyes, and smile, and see what happens.... I dare you