I read a post today on Facebook that rubbed me the wrong way, as you'll see later on in this piece, I think I may have interpreted it incorrectly as it triggered the "if you don't see trans like XYZ, then you're doing trans wrong". This is an issue in our "community".... I use quotes there because we barely have a community as each persons interpretation of what is trans for them is always different than the next.... and we end up infighting instead of getting anything constructive done half the time. One of the reasons I don't consider myself part of any communities.....
I'm not going to post her words verbatim out of respect for one's anonymity, but you'll get an idea of what the first post was from my words below
Responding to the thread that generated from the post took me a while, and made me think a lot about stuff that I haven't considered in a while, and due to this, I want to share it here. I'll read back upon this in the future, and I'm sure my views will have shifted, and I think this is a nice snapshot for this moment in time.
My words verbatim. The words in italics have been added for this posting to elaborate on the backstory.
--//--
First off, I think the way I read the original post was "if you don't hate your birth body, you aren't doing trans right", which in retrospect may have been a mistake so I apologize for that. We have a TON of "you aren't the right type of trans" in our communities, and it sickens me, even though I am guilty of thinking the same thoughts occasionally (i.e , I still have problems with a furry guy wearing a dress, and I don't want to have those problems, but in all honesty, I do.... trying to be fully honest here ).
I remember in my agonizing over whether I should transition or not (I finally did it at 35, only last year), when I spent a week or two alone, my dysphoria was almost easy to handle. Yes I wanted to be female, and no I can't explain why, but the fact that I was male in a male body wasn't the end of the world. It was when I was around people that I would get triggered all of the time, and those are definitely social cues affecting me, after all, what else could they be?.
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I posed the question of, if you lived on a desert island, never having contact with another human being, would you still feel dysphoric....would you still be trans?
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I think if I lived on that hypothetical desert island, I wouldn't have had these problems. And that concept held me back for a long time.... i.e..... maybe I'm not really trans.... maybe I'm just screwed up / confused / whatever.
But since I don't live secluded on a desert island, I still had to deal with the world, and the world saw me as male, and treated me as such. I knew I was going to end up killing myself over it, but I never felt hate or discomfort about my body, it was a hatred that was from me to the world in not seeing me the way I wanted to be seen, in the way that I saw myself, after all, not all women have curves, or even feminine figures, many have receeding hairlines, or masculine muscles, yet they are still seen as women. Why couldn't I be seen that way in my former body?... because that's not how our world works
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she stated that in her belief system, gender has no place in human society and that it has been used as a tool to repress women
--------
Personally, I don't believe that gender has no place in the human world. Gender stereotypes are bullshit, that's for sure, and a feminine spirit can exist within a male body just as much as a masculine spirit can exist in a female body, without being trans in any way. Restricting each person's expression is what bothers me in our society, seeing masculine traits as positive and feminine traits as negative, that infuriates me and there is NO reason for that to be so prevalent, but I do believe that there is essentially a duality, and yes, people can traverse that duality, people can be in the middle of that duality, it's not fixed, it's not tied to genitalia, but to me, it is a basic part of nature. It's everywhere in nature, and we are all part of nature, so what would make humans different than any other living creature on this planet?. I truly feel, and always felt, that I had a feminine / female / woman's soul within me, and maybe if I had been raised in a culture which celebrated this, maybe then I wouldn't have had to physically transition..... I don't know, impossible to say. But within the culture and reality that we inhabit, I had no choice to match my physical to what I feel is my spirit.
The other wrench in the equation for me is simply that without T in my system, and having E in it's place, I simply feel better. I feel more alive, I don't feel held back by the rage that used to fill me. Even while completely alone, where social gender doesn't exist (back to the desert island concept, and kind of screws the desert island concept), I feel at peace, I feel more like I think I should feel, I feel like I fit in my body.... perhaps this is the "identifying with your body" that you were referring to and that I may have misunderstood?. Science tells us that hormones shouldn't have psychological impact on our actual brain matter, so when I'm not in a social environment, I'm not being soothed by being seen as female, why does it make such an enormous difference in me?. Who knows, but all trans folk that I know have felt the same way, regardless of the direction they're travelling in.
Even though it seems I pass a lot of the time (that still surprises the fuck out of me to be honest), I still have certain male physical features, and yes, I still have my penis, but none of this bothers me, it doesn't make me feel less of a woman. I don't have a *female* body, I have a *feminine* body (and I consider my genitalia feminine as well even though it technically is the opposite of that), and that feels wonderful to me, with or without the social interaction, which again screws up the desert island hypothesis. So maybe I was a bit more body dysphoric than I had thought when sitting down to write this post, who knows, I'm only a year old and figuring myself out still , I think I could have survived having a male body and still lead a decent life, I know I wouldn't have been able to continue being seen as male, I was ready to check out because of that
does any of this make sense?
Monday, 18 August 2014
Friday, 15 August 2014
Doors
So.... it's been an interesting month.....
An old friend who I thought was supportive of me, someone from my past, who cheerleaded me through transition, who I've written about before, has become a TERF (google it if you don't know, I don't feel like getting into it).... that kind of fucked me up a bit. Just realized it last night, tried to ask her about it and she immediately blocked me.... oh well....
I wonder what fueled her hatred, I hope she finds her way out of her darkness at one point. Either way, a door closes. Part of life I suppose
Someone who became a very good friend in a very short amount of time flipped out at me for being a feminist, who he sees as the cause of all the worlds ills and gave me an ultimatum to give up my ideology or lose him as a friend..... another door closes.
And that really cute teacher that I was jiving with so well?, gay.... dammit.... hehehehehehehehehheh. A wonderful guy, I enjoy our classes immensely and I'm improving fast, and I also enjoy hanging with him and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. Not just a teacher, I consider him a friend. The door remains open, and probably in a better way than I had originally pined for
The one from across the country, I was getting my hopes up, starting to count on him, and when I realized that he probably wasn't going to come see me like he said he would, it hit me, I was doing it again, before I'm ready to do so, ignoring the red flags as usual, using him as a boost to my moods. The door isn't closed, but it's changed, lets say its ajar...
We had our first trans pride march this past Sunday, a wonderful day, marching and chanting through the city, screaming for our rights to be taken seriously by the government. See.... while half of Canada has already removed the requirement for genital surgery before we can be accepted legally as our new genders... and while Quebec has officially rescinded that law last December, they haven't put into place what the new rules will be, how it will work now that they have declared the old way as discriminatory, so nothing has changed for us. I'm still considered legally male, so if I want a new passport, it will have a big fucking M on it, and I'm not accepting that and the danger that it will bring to me. We'll kick that fucking door down dammit
I made a choice this summer to no longer give my time to those who aren't interested in giving their time to me. That shut a couple of doors, and while it hurt and filled me with anxiety that I'm being "mean", it was necessary to do so.
Became very close to a couple friends I've known for a while, opened up, and they to me. Great women, great support, lots of love. Doors bursting open
I got to be interviewed by a journalist for a piece on Radio Canada, which overall went really well even though the piece ended up only 5 minutes long and had a bit of misquoting in it. She closed with the fact that I've been essentially grounded from travelling due to Quebec not getting their head out of their ass with respect to our gender markers, not grounded by my company I should add, but grounded by fear of being pulled aside by ignorant customs agents, drilled about what I am, not something that any of us should be put through. A door to shedding ignorance cracked open a bit, I want to do more of this, more talks, more activism
During the march I ran into an old trans friend of mine who now works at the support group I went to a lifetime ago. She asks me to come by, I decline as the stories of those that go are not mine, these are the sad stories, the ones that I was so afraid of when I started on this path, these aren't people that I can connect with at that level. She understands me, but tells me that I can be a positive story to raise their spirits, that I don't need more support but that I can help these women and men. I think about it, and realize she is right, and I'll be going next Monday. A door opens wide that I can invite people through, I keep getting told what an inspiration I can be, let's make it matter shall we?
I ran into another woman at the march that I had only met once, almost two years ago, she was with this wonderful young trans woman, just entering womanhood, who has been having a rough time of it due to location, finances, etc. She needs strength, and she took to mine like a fish to water. I love her already, I see the stunning and fierce woman that she will grow into even if she doesn't. I'm taking her under my wing, I'll do my best so she can start opening her own doors.
Still meeting new people all the time, wonderful, interesting, crazy and beautiful characters. Little doors here and there, peeking through into different worlds, different experiences, different realities.
looking back over this time, I guess a lot of stuff has happened that could have been devastating, and while some of it hurt, it hasn't put me down, hasn't pushed me back into the darkness, or that green fog. I keep strutting my stuff, closing doors that I no longer need, kicking through others, standing up for myself, doing what I need to do
and that's a good thing
no
that's a great fucking thing
peace
An old friend who I thought was supportive of me, someone from my past, who cheerleaded me through transition, who I've written about before, has become a TERF (google it if you don't know, I don't feel like getting into it).... that kind of fucked me up a bit. Just realized it last night, tried to ask her about it and she immediately blocked me.... oh well....
I wonder what fueled her hatred, I hope she finds her way out of her darkness at one point. Either way, a door closes. Part of life I suppose
Someone who became a very good friend in a very short amount of time flipped out at me for being a feminist, who he sees as the cause of all the worlds ills and gave me an ultimatum to give up my ideology or lose him as a friend..... another door closes.
And that really cute teacher that I was jiving with so well?, gay.... dammit.... hehehehehehehehehheh. A wonderful guy, I enjoy our classes immensely and I'm improving fast, and I also enjoy hanging with him and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. Not just a teacher, I consider him a friend. The door remains open, and probably in a better way than I had originally pined for
The one from across the country, I was getting my hopes up, starting to count on him, and when I realized that he probably wasn't going to come see me like he said he would, it hit me, I was doing it again, before I'm ready to do so, ignoring the red flags as usual, using him as a boost to my moods. The door isn't closed, but it's changed, lets say its ajar...
We had our first trans pride march this past Sunday, a wonderful day, marching and chanting through the city, screaming for our rights to be taken seriously by the government. See.... while half of Canada has already removed the requirement for genital surgery before we can be accepted legally as our new genders... and while Quebec has officially rescinded that law last December, they haven't put into place what the new rules will be, how it will work now that they have declared the old way as discriminatory, so nothing has changed for us. I'm still considered legally male, so if I want a new passport, it will have a big fucking M on it, and I'm not accepting that and the danger that it will bring to me. We'll kick that fucking door down dammit
I made a choice this summer to no longer give my time to those who aren't interested in giving their time to me. That shut a couple of doors, and while it hurt and filled me with anxiety that I'm being "mean", it was necessary to do so.
Became very close to a couple friends I've known for a while, opened up, and they to me. Great women, great support, lots of love. Doors bursting open
I got to be interviewed by a journalist for a piece on Radio Canada, which overall went really well even though the piece ended up only 5 minutes long and had a bit of misquoting in it. She closed with the fact that I've been essentially grounded from travelling due to Quebec not getting their head out of their ass with respect to our gender markers, not grounded by my company I should add, but grounded by fear of being pulled aside by ignorant customs agents, drilled about what I am, not something that any of us should be put through. A door to shedding ignorance cracked open a bit, I want to do more of this, more talks, more activism
During the march I ran into an old trans friend of mine who now works at the support group I went to a lifetime ago. She asks me to come by, I decline as the stories of those that go are not mine, these are the sad stories, the ones that I was so afraid of when I started on this path, these aren't people that I can connect with at that level. She understands me, but tells me that I can be a positive story to raise their spirits, that I don't need more support but that I can help these women and men. I think about it, and realize she is right, and I'll be going next Monday. A door opens wide that I can invite people through, I keep getting told what an inspiration I can be, let's make it matter shall we?
I ran into another woman at the march that I had only met once, almost two years ago, she was with this wonderful young trans woman, just entering womanhood, who has been having a rough time of it due to location, finances, etc. She needs strength, and she took to mine like a fish to water. I love her already, I see the stunning and fierce woman that she will grow into even if she doesn't. I'm taking her under my wing, I'll do my best so she can start opening her own doors.
Still meeting new people all the time, wonderful, interesting, crazy and beautiful characters. Little doors here and there, peeking through into different worlds, different experiences, different realities.
looking back over this time, I guess a lot of stuff has happened that could have been devastating, and while some of it hurt, it hasn't put me down, hasn't pushed me back into the darkness, or that green fog. I keep strutting my stuff, closing doors that I no longer need, kicking through others, standing up for myself, doing what I need to do
and that's a good thing
no
that's a great fucking thing
peace
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Mirrors..... passing..... thoughts
I glance at myself in a mirror, I still see a shadow on my face where the beard used to be. I approach the mirror, put my face a few inches away from it, puff out my lip. I hunt for the dark hairs, the survivors, the stragglers.... they're nowhere to be seen.
I pull away from the mirror, I still see the shadow, but the shadow is in my mind, it's not real. I'm the only one that sees it, I know, I've checked, both with people who have known both sides of my weird little coin, as well as with those who have only known the new me...... real me......
I occasionally get hit on by random strangers, nothing creepy or negative, at least not yet, but it does happen. To me, I'm still visible, still obviously trans, but again, that seems to be just in my head. I wasn't expecting this, being able to pass, without trying, without heavy makeup and perfect outfits. One would think that this is the goal right?, actually, for me it complicates things. I don't know if they know, if I reciprocate on the flirting, and they don't know, what will happen when they find out?... because that painter that is working on my building who always stops his work and finds a reason to chat with me.... holy crap is he ever cute. It's like I have this piece of cake being dangled in front of me, but I'm scared to reach out for it. If I knew he knew and he was still acting that way, great, I feel safe, but now?, not so much.
I'm getting what I've always wanted, and it scares me.....
I started a new contact staff class, went out for a few drinks with the teacher after class, a funny way to name myself as trans came up in a conversation and I took it.... turns out I blew his mind.... I had to convince him I used to be the guy that I showed him a picture of, in his words, he would have never guessed in a million years..... and I do my class in knee length leggings and a spaghetti strap camisole (tank top), body completely visible to all that are interested, and he didn't know.
{I kind of ended up in bed with the last teacher, this guy is way cuter, I wanted to make sure he knew who I was}
Yet when I look at myself in the mirror, I can still tell, I think I'll always see him. Which is weird because when I look back at my life, I see her.... a trans woman yes.... but a woman none the less. My memories are shifting, it's amazing how malleable our minds are, how our memories can be altered, makes me wonder about the very nature of reality, but that's another discussion.
I'm coming out of a fog, a fog that has great success in pulling me back in and enveloping me in green smoke, but I'm crawling out, I'll fight it, I won't let myself slip back. It's a good thing
peace
I pull away from the mirror, I still see the shadow, but the shadow is in my mind, it's not real. I'm the only one that sees it, I know, I've checked, both with people who have known both sides of my weird little coin, as well as with those who have only known the new me...... real me......
I occasionally get hit on by random strangers, nothing creepy or negative, at least not yet, but it does happen. To me, I'm still visible, still obviously trans, but again, that seems to be just in my head. I wasn't expecting this, being able to pass, without trying, without heavy makeup and perfect outfits. One would think that this is the goal right?, actually, for me it complicates things. I don't know if they know, if I reciprocate on the flirting, and they don't know, what will happen when they find out?... because that painter that is working on my building who always stops his work and finds a reason to chat with me.... holy crap is he ever cute. It's like I have this piece of cake being dangled in front of me, but I'm scared to reach out for it. If I knew he knew and he was still acting that way, great, I feel safe, but now?, not so much.
I'm getting what I've always wanted, and it scares me.....
I started a new contact staff class, went out for a few drinks with the teacher after class, a funny way to name myself as trans came up in a conversation and I took it.... turns out I blew his mind.... I had to convince him I used to be the guy that I showed him a picture of, in his words, he would have never guessed in a million years..... and I do my class in knee length leggings and a spaghetti strap camisole (tank top), body completely visible to all that are interested, and he didn't know.
{I kind of ended up in bed with the last teacher, this guy is way cuter, I wanted to make sure he knew who I was}
Yet when I look at myself in the mirror, I can still tell, I think I'll always see him. Which is weird because when I look back at my life, I see her.... a trans woman yes.... but a woman none the less. My memories are shifting, it's amazing how malleable our minds are, how our memories can be altered, makes me wonder about the very nature of reality, but that's another discussion.
I'm coming out of a fog, a fog that has great success in pulling me back in and enveloping me in green smoke, but I'm crawling out, I'll fight it, I won't let myself slip back. It's a good thing
peace
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Fading....
Something I've noticed these past few weeks, my memories of him are fading
no.... not of my ex boyfriend, that's not the "him" that I'm referring to... although those memories are a lot less pervasive these days. He goes through my head at least once a day, probably more, but the thoughts don't carry the same level of loss and pain as they did even a month ago
my memories of ever being a guy (or a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of one) is what is fading
It's weird, I'm in my 14th year at this job, the first 13.5 of which were as a guy, yet when I think back to things I did a couple of years ago, I don't see him in those situations, even though I know it was him, I see me in my mind's eye.
I recall last year walking up to the building, seeing my new reflection in the glass of the door before it automatically whisked open, and marveling at her, at me. Now on the other hand, I see that same reflection, and I have to actively remind myself that it wasn't always this way. In fact it still hasn't even been a year since it's been this way
I often find myself saying "as a little girl" when reminiscing of my past.... yet I was never a little girl..... or was I?
It's getting tough to tell
I've mentioned this to a few people and gotten the response of "well, yeah, you've always been *her*, regardless of the exterior". You're still the same person, you just.... shifted.... into yourself. As if my soul slid from one universe into a parallel one, where I'm a woman instead of a boy.
I think to my previous relationships, his previous relationships, and even there, in my mind's eye, it's Dawn with those women, not him. It can even come across as confusing, as if I have a contradiction, an impossibility in my personal recollections. "I used to date her for years.... but I'm not into chicks..... ooooh wait.... I used to be into them.... no!.... he used to be into them.... oh yeah, Dawn is new, whoops!"
I've forgotten what it's like to have a beard, body hair, a flat chest, a raging libido, testosterone fueled anger. I've forgotten the sadness that I used to feel as I got ready in the morning, looking miserably at one t-shirt versus another, wishing I could put on that gorgeous skirt that I had just bought. Putting myself together in the morning still brings me joy, yet I forget that not so long ago, the same activity was fraught with sadness, depression, melancholy, like it was an indication that nothing was worthwhile in reality, or that the reality I inhabited was *wrong*.
Even when I see a bit of him as I step out of the shower, my wet hair plastered back against my head, I still forget that my body used to be different. My chest, my hips, my legs, my waist, my ass, it's as if I've always had these, and that my previous life was just a weird dream that I've finally woken up from.
When I remind myself that *I* am still new, still going through puberty, still changing, I'm surprised. I know that I'm trans, I know that I've transitioned, I know that I'm not a cis woman, a "regular" woman, but when I don't focus on it, it feels like this is all something that happened a long long time ago (in a galaxy far far away**). This is something I have to remind myself of surprisingly often, when I'm down, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel that I'm not going anywhere, I force myself to stop, sit, and remember all the countless stuff that I've been through in the recent past, and that it hasn't even been a year yet that Dawn has truly existed!.
at least existed for the outside world......
.... cause yeah.... I have always been *her*
been me
cool
** I swear this is a Spaceballs reference, not Star Wars!!!
no.... not of my ex boyfriend, that's not the "him" that I'm referring to... although those memories are a lot less pervasive these days. He goes through my head at least once a day, probably more, but the thoughts don't carry the same level of loss and pain as they did even a month ago
my memories of ever being a guy (or a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of one) is what is fading
It's weird, I'm in my 14th year at this job, the first 13.5 of which were as a guy, yet when I think back to things I did a couple of years ago, I don't see him in those situations, even though I know it was him, I see me in my mind's eye.
I recall last year walking up to the building, seeing my new reflection in the glass of the door before it automatically whisked open, and marveling at her, at me. Now on the other hand, I see that same reflection, and I have to actively remind myself that it wasn't always this way. In fact it still hasn't even been a year since it's been this way
I often find myself saying "as a little girl" when reminiscing of my past.... yet I was never a little girl..... or was I?
It's getting tough to tell
I've mentioned this to a few people and gotten the response of "well, yeah, you've always been *her*, regardless of the exterior". You're still the same person, you just.... shifted.... into yourself. As if my soul slid from one universe into a parallel one, where I'm a woman instead of a boy.
I think to my previous relationships, his previous relationships, and even there, in my mind's eye, it's Dawn with those women, not him. It can even come across as confusing, as if I have a contradiction, an impossibility in my personal recollections. "I used to date her for years.... but I'm not into chicks..... ooooh wait.... I used to be into them.... no!.... he used to be into them.... oh yeah, Dawn is new, whoops!"
I've forgotten what it's like to have a beard, body hair, a flat chest, a raging libido, testosterone fueled anger. I've forgotten the sadness that I used to feel as I got ready in the morning, looking miserably at one t-shirt versus another, wishing I could put on that gorgeous skirt that I had just bought. Putting myself together in the morning still brings me joy, yet I forget that not so long ago, the same activity was fraught with sadness, depression, melancholy, like it was an indication that nothing was worthwhile in reality, or that the reality I inhabited was *wrong*.
Even when I see a bit of him as I step out of the shower, my wet hair plastered back against my head, I still forget that my body used to be different. My chest, my hips, my legs, my waist, my ass, it's as if I've always had these, and that my previous life was just a weird dream that I've finally woken up from.
When I remind myself that *I* am still new, still going through puberty, still changing, I'm surprised. I know that I'm trans, I know that I've transitioned, I know that I'm not a cis woman, a "regular" woman, but when I don't focus on it, it feels like this is all something that happened a long long time ago (in a galaxy far far away**). This is something I have to remind myself of surprisingly often, when I'm down, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel that I'm not going anywhere, I force myself to stop, sit, and remember all the countless stuff that I've been through in the recent past, and that it hasn't even been a year yet that Dawn has truly existed!.
at least existed for the outside world......
.... cause yeah.... I have always been *her*
been me
cool
** I swear this is a Spaceballs reference, not Star Wars!!!
Monday, 26 May 2014
New Digs
So I moved last week
Overall things are looking up since I last sat down to write (if you could call that writing). Back in regular therapy which is helping, doing my best to practice self soothing, realizing when I'm feeling down and actively talking to myself about it, telling myself that I'm OK in reality, keeping mindful of what is going on around me. I don't know if that is what is helping, or I'm just more on an upswing and this is just me feeling better about things, or if it's the weather that is shifting my mood, it's hard to say when you're on a rollercoaster.....
I still have a problem finding motivation, but the crippling loneliness that I've been handling (badly...) is fading.
As usual, one thing that I know has helped, is opening up about it to certain people. Not everyone, as I've learned that very few people truly have an ability to listen actively, but I've realized that a few people in my life can handle this stuff, and I've been letting them help me, which does feel pretty good. Once I realized that my best friend had no idea I had been depressed for the past couple months, I knew that I had been holding back and hiding again. Seems to be a pattern with me......
Back in the dating game as well. I had two dates with a sweet (and straight!) guy but I don't see anything real coming from that, which is kind of a good thing, because I feel absolutely fine telling him "thanks but no thanks" without falling into a "OMG THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AT HAPPINESS AND I MUST HOLD ON!!!!!" type of thing. That's good. I'm *not* desperate at finding another guy, any guy, no matter what, I'm happy to move on and keep fishing, keep trying, until the right one shows up.
That's a good place to be in
The condo is good, I'm quite happy being there, and I hope it will last more than just a year, but even with that, I'll appreciate the chance I had to live here. Meeting the neighbors, getting used to my neighborhood, only slight apprehension that I'll run into my ex while wandering around (it's gonna happen at one point...). Enjoying being close to my tree even though I haven't visited that often just yet, enjoying being close to life.
and for the most part these days, I guess I'm feeling pretty normal.....
that's a good feeling
Overall things are looking up since I last sat down to write (if you could call that writing). Back in regular therapy which is helping, doing my best to practice self soothing, realizing when I'm feeling down and actively talking to myself about it, telling myself that I'm OK in reality, keeping mindful of what is going on around me. I don't know if that is what is helping, or I'm just more on an upswing and this is just me feeling better about things, or if it's the weather that is shifting my mood, it's hard to say when you're on a rollercoaster.....
I still have a problem finding motivation, but the crippling loneliness that I've been handling (badly...) is fading.
As usual, one thing that I know has helped, is opening up about it to certain people. Not everyone, as I've learned that very few people truly have an ability to listen actively, but I've realized that a few people in my life can handle this stuff, and I've been letting them help me, which does feel pretty good. Once I realized that my best friend had no idea I had been depressed for the past couple months, I knew that I had been holding back and hiding again. Seems to be a pattern with me......
Back in the dating game as well. I had two dates with a sweet (and straight!) guy but I don't see anything real coming from that, which is kind of a good thing, because I feel absolutely fine telling him "thanks but no thanks" without falling into a "OMG THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AT HAPPINESS AND I MUST HOLD ON!!!!!" type of thing. That's good. I'm *not* desperate at finding another guy, any guy, no matter what, I'm happy to move on and keep fishing, keep trying, until the right one shows up.
That's a good place to be in
The condo is good, I'm quite happy being there, and I hope it will last more than just a year, but even with that, I'll appreciate the chance I had to live here. Meeting the neighbors, getting used to my neighborhood, only slight apprehension that I'll run into my ex while wandering around (it's gonna happen at one point...). Enjoying being close to my tree even though I haven't visited that often just yet, enjoying being close to life.
and for the most part these days, I guess I'm feeling pretty normal.....
that's a good feeling
Thursday, 17 April 2014
NrmAL
Authors note: this piece makes very little sense, I realize that. I've been trying to get this out of my soul for some time now and haven't been able to really figure out what I want to say, as if I'm dancing around the real issue without being able to put my finger on it. I know there is truth and wisdom somewhere in here, damned if I can find it though.....
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what does it mean... this word that people will strive for, fight for, kill and die for
seems innocuous doesn't it?, just a word, just a concept, but why is it so powerful?
why does it hold such power for me specifically?
why do I crave something that I've always consciously fought against, called out, disdained, labelled as hypocrisy?
I try to define what I think the word means, and even there I have trouble. I suppose for me normal is being seen as such, seen like you're just like everyone else, that you're not a freak, or an outsider. Part of the gang. Accepted for who you are or want to be without question. Not judged. Not stared at. Not discounted. Like your voice, and basic existence, is acknowledged, and the world finds no dissent with you.
like you fit in
and that you're wanted and desired, emotionally, and physically
and that you won't be rejected for what you happen to be
Yet, in my experience, for me to have all of these things, these privileges, I have had to hide aspects of who I was. Be it my sexuality, my identity, my desires, my thoughts and ideas, my mood swings, my emotions. I would chameleon myself to a certain degree, becoming interested in what others were into just to have some common ground, not pushing my own interests, hiding her inside me, etc.
usually the desire for the feeling of normalcy won out. I would put up with things, hide myself, go along with the flow, and life would be good for a while, even though it was all a little fake, but life would be good... until it wasn't.
at one point, things would start to crack, to disintegrate. Truths would start to demand to come out, I would lock down tighter, depression and moodiness would set in, the cracks would widen, and eventually, the levee would break, and chaos would ensue. Note that these truths weren't always about my sexuality or identity as one may assume, it could have been something as simple as admitting that "I'm not happy with you anymore" to a partner and ending a relationship as opposed to going along with the flow of that situation and just bearing it.
like so many "normal" people do.....
I also found that as I got to know my 'normal' entourage better and better, that in reality, none of them were entirely normal either. They had their issues, different, but just as all-encompassing as I did. They hid themselves, they lied to the world just as I was, and for the most part, they were miserable in much of their normalcy, but for whatever reason, they stayed within it.
it's as if at one point I took a conscious stand against normalcy.... I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to be happy.... but honestly and authentically.... proud of my differences, shouting them from the rooftops, consequences be damned!
my fight against normalcy started at a fairly young age, I always had a rebellious streak, and my natural instincts allowed me to see through the veils that so many people hid behind
the apparent normalcy of my family, and most lily white families around me in the neighborhoods that I grew up in, while behind closed doors most things went to shit. Everyone wearing that badge of "I'm great!" on their lapels, when in reality, for whatever reason, gift or curse, I could see through it, could see the hypocrisy, and it always made me sick. I ended up becoming biased against normal (I still don't trust a man that wears a suit to work just to sit at a desk), the more normal someone appeared, the more I believed, I *knew*, they were hiding something big. That they were liars, that they were just propagating the stereotype of normal = good because they were too cowardly to show their true colors.
I made sure I sounded different, looked different, thought different than my peers, than my "social status" expected me to look and sound and think. As a result, I often found myself fairly alone, or with just the other freaks to hang out with, and while that worked for a short period of time, I also longed to not be seen as such, I longed for none of us to be seen as such. The people I passed my time with were good people for the most part, just different in whichever way they happened to be different, and while I basked in these differences and proclaimed them proudly and loudly to those around me, a part of me, and not a small part, didn't want to be seen as such, wished that I wasn't different
I suppose one could look at it in a slightly different light, that I wanted to make freak into mainstream, weirdo into regular.... after all, under the veil, we're all freaks, we're all weirdos, just very few of us have the courage or strength to show it and live it, and those that do suffer judgement from our society, from our world..... from ourselves...
In retrospect a lot of those freaks were simply stronger than I was (or perhaps were less privileged, and therefore, had less to lose by being themselves), they didn't have the need to be seen as normal, if they were trans, they probably would have been able to take care of their issues before the age of 35. I on the other hand, always required that the normal people approved of my freakishness for me to truly feel OK in it.
makes me think of the first place I actually started dealing with being transgender, which was a mens support forum for "nice guys". Of course I was accepted by the trans support forums (all the other freaks) but I never gained strength from them, but once all the "dudes" didn't seem to give a damn about what I was and were only concerned about how I was doing, then I started to grow as a trans person... as a woman... my freakishness was being accepted by the normals, the muggles
and it was only then that I started to consider accepting myself
weird eh?
where am I going with this?, it's as if I have key scenes in my head which I want to get out on paper, yet I'm having trouble connecting them together....
--------------
My ex wife did not make me feel normal. I was reminded of my differences every time I saw her smile falter if I brought up something regarding being femme, or trans issues, or my desires about being with a guy sexually. I began to feel more normal as I went back into the closet and stopped talking about trans things, even though I was miserable, but there is a certain normalcy about being miserable isn't there?. It's a wonderful distraction from actual life, from your actual issues, and seemingly, everyone can relate to that feeling.
Every few months when I was back in the closet, she would ask me why don't I dress anymore?, she could see that repressing myself wasn't doing me any real favors. I couldn't even handle having a proper conversation about it at the time, I would wave it off, mumble something about how I'm not feeling it, and sit there and wait for the feelings of being a freak to pass.
I never wanted to see her eyes say "freak" to me, yet she couldn't help herself, or I couldn't help myself reading that specific word.
When I came back out of the closet I could see that she was happy for me, but at the same time, I could see the sadness hiding there behind her own veil.
--------------
I have a hard time feeling normal when I'm single. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of.... something.... I often deal with nerves and anxiety (like, daily), I hold myself back from trying new things, I spend way too much time trolling online dating profiles, looking for normal people who are open enough to date a woman like myself**, yet if I happen across a profile of another person like myself, or some amazingly strong and visible queer, more often than not, I find a reason to label them with the "freak" moniker and I can't create an attraction to them. I find that I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be seen as a couple of freaks dating.
Maybe that's why my circle is so cis / vanilla / straight.... it's like I want to hide amongst the muggles.....
{or perhaps by surrounding myself with the muggles I can blend in, disappear, it does seem that perhaps, just perhaps, they all accept me better than I can accept myself.... is that the truth that I've been dancing around?}
** so I can't handle being seen as not normal, as I am visible to at least half the people I meet, yet I expect, nay, demand that a normal person is strong enough to be seen as a freak by being by my side?..... that's kinda fucked isn't it?
--------------
My ex boyfriend on the other hand, made me feel perfectly normal. Of course he knew I am trans, and of course we discussed it and my experiences from time to time, but it could have been us discussing any subject at all. I never felt like a bug under a microscope, or some exotic oddity, even though he screwed up pronouns with me twice (thankfully right at the beginning) I never once felt different with him. When we were together, we were a normal couple, both had regular professional careers, both home owners, 'normal' friends and family, two nerds exploring a life together. With him I felt like a beautiful woman, not a tranny, and I felt utterly, beautifully, normal.
With him, I would forget that I'm trans, that I'm different, and for me, that was magical.
But a key that I often forget (ignore?) when I think of how I felt about myself when I was with him, are those times that he became distant, the times I felt ignored, my anxiety and dread would rush back into me almost instantly. The fear in my soul would return, and it would be just as strong, if not stronger, than what I feel now. What need did he actually satisfy within me?, is that a need that I can satisfy for myself?.
Is it even normalcy that I'm hunting for?, I still have trouble defining the word, so perhaps I'm using the wrong word entirely, perhaps this quest for normal is simply a distraction from dealing with who I am?
{these last two paragraphs are among the last written in this piece, a nested addendum if you will, and writing them brought a sense of relief to my anxious gut}
--------------
There is a chaser who I've known for a couple years now, and while I know he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful women that he knows, when I'm with him I find that often, so very often, I feel ugly, gross, less than. That the only reason he is with me is because I'm one of the few well adjusted (yeah I realize how funny that is) trans women that he has been able to meet, it has nothing to do with WHO I am, but all with WHAT I am.
I'm reminded of what I am constantly with him, not always because he says things that would remind me, but because I know that if I were a cis-woman, he wouldn't be there talking to me. He doesn't see me as Dawn, like my ex boyfriend did, he sees me as Dawn-the-transsexual.
Of course I know what I am, but I don't want to be seen as such, be reminded of it constantly. It makes me feel..... not normal
{or, also in addendum, the constant knowledge, reminder, that he sees me as woman (sub genus: trans), is too much for me to handle as I still have trouble accepting myself?... to be discussed with my therapist}
--------------
Was I only interested in women in my past life because as a man, dating a woman is the expected norm?. Did my sexuality shift so drastically because now as a woman, dating a man is the expected norm?. As a boy, I could not at all consider dating another man, cuddling him or having him cuddle me, it just always felt completely *wrong* (not that I ever tried mind you...). Now, I feel the same way w/r to being with another woman, it just feels wrong.
Is this valid?, is this OK?, or have I not even really figured out my sexuality and I'm just attracted to anything that will make me feel {appear} normal?
--------------
I've often used the words "make me feel" within this piece, I wonder if anyone caught that, took me a while but I just did.
No one can make someone feel something emotionally, they can provide a stimulus, but it is up to us to decide how we feel about it.
Especially when it comes down to feeling good about yourself, which I think is the crux of the word normal to me. Feeling like you're OK, that you're going to be OK, that you're doing good, on the right path.
I know that the path to transition was the right one for me, but where is my path now?. I'm a woman, I've transitioned, I've done it..... now what?
I'm calmer now, my downs aren't as low (even though they are more emotional) and don't seem to last as long. I'm not as self destructive as I was even though I still do stupid stuff, but transitioning wasn't the end of my road, it was the beginning, and I guess a part of me was hoping that I could walk away in my new body and just become "fine", that it would be the end of the work.....
so where is this new road going to lead?
"anywhere you want it to" I'm sure lots of people would reply.... which of course leads back to my classic "what do you want?"
and unfortunately, my answer is simply..... I don't know
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to fight myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I want to be able to get a full days work done without feeling lonely, feeling like the world is going down the tubes so fast that there's no real point to anything.
I want to be able to look forward to something and be excited about it, from something as simple as a night out with some friends, to a huge show that is coming nine months away
I want to be able to enjoy time with friends without having that sense of dread and anxiety sitting deep in my gut
I want to be able to handle rejection without it tearing me down
I want to stop living in my own head, and start living in the real world
I want to be my own rock
I want to be able to go a day without compulsively checking email, facebook, dating sites. I want to NOT feel a lift in my spirit if I see that someone is trying to reach me which is coupled with sadness for myself if no one has done so
I want to own my emotions and not put them on others
I want to be able to truly feel love for myself
I want to be able to say that I've done good in my life
I want to want
you know.... like all the normal people
I've beat this horse to death now, just going to hit publish and move on
till next time.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what does it mean... this word that people will strive for, fight for, kill and die for
normal
seems innocuous doesn't it?, just a word, just a concept, but why is it so powerful?
why does it hold such power for me specifically?
why do I crave something that I've always consciously fought against, called out, disdained, labelled as hypocrisy?
I try to define what I think the word means, and even there I have trouble. I suppose for me normal is being seen as such, seen like you're just like everyone else, that you're not a freak, or an outsider. Part of the gang. Accepted for who you are or want to be without question. Not judged. Not stared at. Not discounted. Like your voice, and basic existence, is acknowledged, and the world finds no dissent with you.
like you fit in
and that you're wanted and desired, emotionally, and physically
and that you won't be rejected for what you happen to be
Yet, in my experience, for me to have all of these things, these privileges, I have had to hide aspects of who I was. Be it my sexuality, my identity, my desires, my thoughts and ideas, my mood swings, my emotions. I would chameleon myself to a certain degree, becoming interested in what others were into just to have some common ground, not pushing my own interests, hiding her inside me, etc.
usually the desire for the feeling of normalcy won out. I would put up with things, hide myself, go along with the flow, and life would be good for a while, even though it was all a little fake, but life would be good... until it wasn't.
at one point, things would start to crack, to disintegrate. Truths would start to demand to come out, I would lock down tighter, depression and moodiness would set in, the cracks would widen, and eventually, the levee would break, and chaos would ensue. Note that these truths weren't always about my sexuality or identity as one may assume, it could have been something as simple as admitting that "I'm not happy with you anymore" to a partner and ending a relationship as opposed to going along with the flow of that situation and just bearing it.
like so many "normal" people do.....
I also found that as I got to know my 'normal' entourage better and better, that in reality, none of them were entirely normal either. They had their issues, different, but just as all-encompassing as I did. They hid themselves, they lied to the world just as I was, and for the most part, they were miserable in much of their normalcy, but for whatever reason, they stayed within it.
it's as if at one point I took a conscious stand against normalcy.... I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to be happy.... but honestly and authentically.... proud of my differences, shouting them from the rooftops, consequences be damned!
my fight against normalcy started at a fairly young age, I always had a rebellious streak, and my natural instincts allowed me to see through the veils that so many people hid behind
the apparent normalcy of my family, and most lily white families around me in the neighborhoods that I grew up in, while behind closed doors most things went to shit. Everyone wearing that badge of "I'm great!" on their lapels, when in reality, for whatever reason, gift or curse, I could see through it, could see the hypocrisy, and it always made me sick. I ended up becoming biased against normal (I still don't trust a man that wears a suit to work just to sit at a desk), the more normal someone appeared, the more I believed, I *knew*, they were hiding something big. That they were liars, that they were just propagating the stereotype of normal = good because they were too cowardly to show their true colors.
I made sure I sounded different, looked different, thought different than my peers, than my "social status" expected me to look and sound and think. As a result, I often found myself fairly alone, or with just the other freaks to hang out with, and while that worked for a short period of time, I also longed to not be seen as such, I longed for none of us to be seen as such. The people I passed my time with were good people for the most part, just different in whichever way they happened to be different, and while I basked in these differences and proclaimed them proudly and loudly to those around me, a part of me, and not a small part, didn't want to be seen as such, wished that I wasn't different
I suppose one could look at it in a slightly different light, that I wanted to make freak into mainstream, weirdo into regular.... after all, under the veil, we're all freaks, we're all weirdos, just very few of us have the courage or strength to show it and live it, and those that do suffer judgement from our society, from our world..... from ourselves...
In retrospect a lot of those freaks were simply stronger than I was (or perhaps were less privileged, and therefore, had less to lose by being themselves), they didn't have the need to be seen as normal, if they were trans, they probably would have been able to take care of their issues before the age of 35. I on the other hand, always required that the normal people approved of my freakishness for me to truly feel OK in it.
makes me think of the first place I actually started dealing with being transgender, which was a mens support forum for "nice guys". Of course I was accepted by the trans support forums (all the other freaks) but I never gained strength from them, but once all the "dudes" didn't seem to give a damn about what I was and were only concerned about how I was doing, then I started to grow as a trans person... as a woman... my freakishness was being accepted by the normals, the muggles
and it was only then that I started to consider accepting myself
weird eh?
where am I going with this?, it's as if I have key scenes in my head which I want to get out on paper, yet I'm having trouble connecting them together....
--------------
My ex wife did not make me feel normal. I was reminded of my differences every time I saw her smile falter if I brought up something regarding being femme, or trans issues, or my desires about being with a guy sexually. I began to feel more normal as I went back into the closet and stopped talking about trans things, even though I was miserable, but there is a certain normalcy about being miserable isn't there?. It's a wonderful distraction from actual life, from your actual issues, and seemingly, everyone can relate to that feeling.
Every few months when I was back in the closet, she would ask me why don't I dress anymore?, she could see that repressing myself wasn't doing me any real favors. I couldn't even handle having a proper conversation about it at the time, I would wave it off, mumble something about how I'm not feeling it, and sit there and wait for the feelings of being a freak to pass.
I never wanted to see her eyes say "freak" to me, yet she couldn't help herself, or I couldn't help myself reading that specific word.
When I came back out of the closet I could see that she was happy for me, but at the same time, I could see the sadness hiding there behind her own veil.
--------------
I have a hard time feeling normal when I'm single. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of.... something.... I often deal with nerves and anxiety (like, daily), I hold myself back from trying new things, I spend way too much time trolling online dating profiles, looking for normal people who are open enough to date a woman like myself**, yet if I happen across a profile of another person like myself, or some amazingly strong and visible queer, more often than not, I find a reason to label them with the "freak" moniker and I can't create an attraction to them. I find that I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be seen as a couple of freaks dating.
Maybe that's why my circle is so cis / vanilla / straight.... it's like I want to hide amongst the muggles.....
{or perhaps by surrounding myself with the muggles I can blend in, disappear, it does seem that perhaps, just perhaps, they all accept me better than I can accept myself.... is that the truth that I've been dancing around?}
** so I can't handle being seen as not normal, as I am visible to at least half the people I meet, yet I expect, nay, demand that a normal person is strong enough to be seen as a freak by being by my side?..... that's kinda fucked isn't it?
--------------
My ex boyfriend on the other hand, made me feel perfectly normal. Of course he knew I am trans, and of course we discussed it and my experiences from time to time, but it could have been us discussing any subject at all. I never felt like a bug under a microscope, or some exotic oddity, even though he screwed up pronouns with me twice (thankfully right at the beginning) I never once felt different with him. When we were together, we were a normal couple, both had regular professional careers, both home owners, 'normal' friends and family, two nerds exploring a life together. With him I felt like a beautiful woman, not a tranny, and I felt utterly, beautifully, normal.
With him, I would forget that I'm trans, that I'm different, and for me, that was magical.
But a key that I often forget (ignore?) when I think of how I felt about myself when I was with him, are those times that he became distant, the times I felt ignored, my anxiety and dread would rush back into me almost instantly. The fear in my soul would return, and it would be just as strong, if not stronger, than what I feel now. What need did he actually satisfy within me?, is that a need that I can satisfy for myself?.
Is it even normalcy that I'm hunting for?, I still have trouble defining the word, so perhaps I'm using the wrong word entirely, perhaps this quest for normal is simply a distraction from dealing with who I am?
{these last two paragraphs are among the last written in this piece, a nested addendum if you will, and writing them brought a sense of relief to my anxious gut}
--------------
There is a chaser who I've known for a couple years now, and while I know he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful women that he knows, when I'm with him I find that often, so very often, I feel ugly, gross, less than. That the only reason he is with me is because I'm one of the few well adjusted (yeah I realize how funny that is) trans women that he has been able to meet, it has nothing to do with WHO I am, but all with WHAT I am.
I'm reminded of what I am constantly with him, not always because he says things that would remind me, but because I know that if I were a cis-woman, he wouldn't be there talking to me. He doesn't see me as Dawn, like my ex boyfriend did, he sees me as Dawn-the-transsexual.
Of course I know what I am, but I don't want to be seen as such, be reminded of it constantly. It makes me feel..... not normal
{or, also in addendum, the constant knowledge, reminder, that he sees me as woman (sub genus: trans), is too much for me to handle as I still have trouble accepting myself?... to be discussed with my therapist}
--------------
Was I only interested in women in my past life because as a man, dating a woman is the expected norm?. Did my sexuality shift so drastically because now as a woman, dating a man is the expected norm?. As a boy, I could not at all consider dating another man, cuddling him or having him cuddle me, it just always felt completely *wrong* (not that I ever tried mind you...). Now, I feel the same way w/r to being with another woman, it just feels wrong.
Is this valid?, is this OK?, or have I not even really figured out my sexuality and I'm just attracted to anything that will make me feel {appear} normal?
--------------
I've often used the words "make me feel" within this piece, I wonder if anyone caught that, took me a while but I just did.
No one can make someone feel something emotionally, they can provide a stimulus, but it is up to us to decide how we feel about it.
Especially when it comes down to feeling good about yourself, which I think is the crux of the word normal to me. Feeling like you're OK, that you're going to be OK, that you're doing good, on the right path.
I know that the path to transition was the right one for me, but where is my path now?. I'm a woman, I've transitioned, I've done it..... now what?
I'm calmer now, my downs aren't as low (even though they are more emotional) and don't seem to last as long. I'm not as self destructive as I was even though I still do stupid stuff, but transitioning wasn't the end of my road, it was the beginning, and I guess a part of me was hoping that I could walk away in my new body and just become "fine", that it would be the end of the work.....
so where is this new road going to lead?
"anywhere you want it to" I'm sure lots of people would reply.... which of course leads back to my classic "what do you want?"
and unfortunately, my answer is simply..... I don't know
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to fight myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I want to be able to get a full days work done without feeling lonely, feeling like the world is going down the tubes so fast that there's no real point to anything.
I want to be able to look forward to something and be excited about it, from something as simple as a night out with some friends, to a huge show that is coming nine months away
I want to be able to enjoy time with friends without having that sense of dread and anxiety sitting deep in my gut
I want to be able to handle rejection without it tearing me down
I want to stop living in my own head, and start living in the real world
I want to be my own rock
I want to be able to go a day without compulsively checking email, facebook, dating sites. I want to NOT feel a lift in my spirit if I see that someone is trying to reach me which is coupled with sadness for myself if no one has done so
I want to own my emotions and not put them on others
I want to be able to truly feel love for myself
I want to be able to say that I've done good in my life
I want to want
you know.... like all the normal people
I've beat this horse to death now, just going to hit publish and move on
till next time.....
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
An anniversary of sorts....
So I missed my one year mark on the blog, I was super busy on the night of the 27th, moved some stuff into the new condo, got home super late. I had written something the following day, expecting it to be my next post, my little one year celebration post, but I wasn't feeling it. The words were forced, the excitement.... fake
it will sit there as a draft .... which is fine
see, I haven't been doing that great these past few weeks, as I'm sure was made somewhat obvious by my recent writings. I've been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, stressed, there's a lot of crap going on in my life right now which is annihilating my stability, and as we all know, I'm not terribly good at handling those types of feelings.
my mind has been on my ex constantly during this time and it's been getting worse and worse. I'm still angry at him, angry for what he did, for how things turned out... but most of all angry because I don't have that feeling of security, of calmness, of solidity... and the last time I had that was with him
like I've said, I always feel more stable when I have a partner, something I'm still working on
so all the stress and anxiety I've been feeling, I've been putting that on him, still stuck on the idea that this is all his fault, that he took my power away, my strength, my confidence. The one who started it all, Laura, helped me realize that I'm stuck in a place in which I see myself as a victim to my own life, and I'm blaming him for it
she showed me how even though I was hurting bad for the first couple of weeks after it all ended, that I was still being positive, I wasn't letting it take me down completely, and it's true. I recall having a few friends express admiration at how well I was doing, reminding me of the strength that I have... which unfortunately is a strength I often forget about
but soon after the breakup, life changes started happening fast. The condo as a possibility, which became a reality almost immediately after, meeting my dad for the first time, having to get the house ready for sale, having to get the condo ready to be lived in, fighting about my salary at work, thinking about making a massive life change in switching careers.... all of this has happened over the space of what.... the past four weeks?
that's a hell of a lot for anyone to handle
all of this has made me feel insecure about my life, scared about where I'll be, like I no longer have a base, a rock, to stand upon. Sure I want to leave the house I'm currently in and start again, but I'll be closing the door on a huge part of what my life used to be, moving to a new area, losing those landmarks which I don't even realize I've become accustomed to, and being forced to take ownership of a whole new world, create new connections, new landmarks, new "favorites"
with the added challenge that the new landmarks I'll be taking ownership of used to be *our* landmarks.....
and all of the insecurity, anxiety, and fear that I feel.... I've dumped on him, blamed him for it... easier than dealing with it after all
as all of the new challenges and stresses have arrived, one after another, I've had a harder and harder time dealing with the breakup.... even though none of it has anything to do with the breakup.... I never attributed the stress to moving, to changing my environment, to fighting with work, to dealing with my dad, all places that have contributed to a certain degree to my anxiety, I never attributed them to the correct places.... I feel more worried, more scared, and I blame him for taking away my strength and peace.... I relive all the sugary sweet crap that he filled my mind and my heart with and I hold on to that anger, wishing all the promises were true, because of course then I'd feel perfect.... wouldn't I?
bah...
I've been playing the victim
that doesn't absolve him though... bear that in mind... he was still a shit to me and I get to feel about him whatever damn way I choose
but I've been playing the victim, I haven't been owning my emotions or my feelings
I need to acknowledge that I'm stressed and that it's OK to be so. I need to acknowledge that the stress is caused by a huge number of completely normal events. I need to realize that this stress will be dealt with, I will make it through to the other side, and that there are many small steps that I will be taking to get through this, each of which will reduce my stress. I need to acknowledge that I still have work in letting my old life go, and that feeling at home in my new world won't happen immediately... but that it will happen. I need to acknowledge that the way I feel right now is natural, normal, even healthy, and that overall, it has very, very little to do with him.... he's just an easy scapegoat which keeps me mired in unhappiness, which stops me from moving, slows down my progress, which unfortunately, is a comfortable place for me, pointing that finger of blame, saying "I feel this way because of you", or "if you hadn't done what you did I would be going through all of this fine"... that's all easier than buckling down and doing what needs to be done, and fully accepting my stress and anxiety and my crazy damn life
and while I barely slept last night, with all of this running through my head, and while I'm exhausted today, at the same time I feel lighter. He does come into my mind but I don't want to tear his face off when it does, which is nice, nor do my eyes immediately fill with tears. I'm finally feeling some excitement about starting my new life in the city which I've been doing vicariously through my friends so far, they are all soooo happy for me, but it took me until now to be happy for myself.
I feel .... okay....
and that's a great thing
oh, and as for the anniversary?, April 2nd is when I officially became single last year, the day that she moved out....
and I just spent a couple minutes looking back at everything that has happened to me, everything I've done over the past year, and.... holy crap.... it makes for a long and very varied list.... and that's pretty cool. No wonder I went through another dark period late last year, in retrospect, and I'll have to explore this more at one point, I was probably misdirecting my anxieties as well back then.
The crazy thing about it all, this year is gonna be even bigger
bring it on
bitches
hehehehehhe....
this could even be one of my Cyclical Meanderings posts couldn't it?
anyhoo, coming up next, a discussion on one of my most hated and feared words in the english language
NORMAL
*shudder*
it will sit there as a draft .... which is fine
see, I haven't been doing that great these past few weeks, as I'm sure was made somewhat obvious by my recent writings. I've been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, stressed, there's a lot of crap going on in my life right now which is annihilating my stability, and as we all know, I'm not terribly good at handling those types of feelings.
my mind has been on my ex constantly during this time and it's been getting worse and worse. I'm still angry at him, angry for what he did, for how things turned out... but most of all angry because I don't have that feeling of security, of calmness, of solidity... and the last time I had that was with him
like I've said, I always feel more stable when I have a partner, something I'm still working on
so all the stress and anxiety I've been feeling, I've been putting that on him, still stuck on the idea that this is all his fault, that he took my power away, my strength, my confidence. The one who started it all, Laura, helped me realize that I'm stuck in a place in which I see myself as a victim to my own life, and I'm blaming him for it
she showed me how even though I was hurting bad for the first couple of weeks after it all ended, that I was still being positive, I wasn't letting it take me down completely, and it's true. I recall having a few friends express admiration at how well I was doing, reminding me of the strength that I have... which unfortunately is a strength I often forget about
but soon after the breakup, life changes started happening fast. The condo as a possibility, which became a reality almost immediately after, meeting my dad for the first time, having to get the house ready for sale, having to get the condo ready to be lived in, fighting about my salary at work, thinking about making a massive life change in switching careers.... all of this has happened over the space of what.... the past four weeks?
that's a hell of a lot for anyone to handle
all of this has made me feel insecure about my life, scared about where I'll be, like I no longer have a base, a rock, to stand upon. Sure I want to leave the house I'm currently in and start again, but I'll be closing the door on a huge part of what my life used to be, moving to a new area, losing those landmarks which I don't even realize I've become accustomed to, and being forced to take ownership of a whole new world, create new connections, new landmarks, new "favorites"
with the added challenge that the new landmarks I'll be taking ownership of used to be *our* landmarks.....
and all of the insecurity, anxiety, and fear that I feel.... I've dumped on him, blamed him for it... easier than dealing with it after all
as all of the new challenges and stresses have arrived, one after another, I've had a harder and harder time dealing with the breakup.... even though none of it has anything to do with the breakup.... I never attributed the stress to moving, to changing my environment, to fighting with work, to dealing with my dad, all places that have contributed to a certain degree to my anxiety, I never attributed them to the correct places.... I feel more worried, more scared, and I blame him for taking away my strength and peace.... I relive all the sugary sweet crap that he filled my mind and my heart with and I hold on to that anger, wishing all the promises were true, because of course then I'd feel perfect.... wouldn't I?
bah...
I've been playing the victim
that doesn't absolve him though... bear that in mind... he was still a shit to me and I get to feel about him whatever damn way I choose
but I've been playing the victim, I haven't been owning my emotions or my feelings
I need to acknowledge that I'm stressed and that it's OK to be so. I need to acknowledge that the stress is caused by a huge number of completely normal events. I need to realize that this stress will be dealt with, I will make it through to the other side, and that there are many small steps that I will be taking to get through this, each of which will reduce my stress. I need to acknowledge that I still have work in letting my old life go, and that feeling at home in my new world won't happen immediately... but that it will happen. I need to acknowledge that the way I feel right now is natural, normal, even healthy, and that overall, it has very, very little to do with him.... he's just an easy scapegoat which keeps me mired in unhappiness, which stops me from moving, slows down my progress, which unfortunately, is a comfortable place for me, pointing that finger of blame, saying "I feel this way because of you", or "if you hadn't done what you did I would be going through all of this fine"... that's all easier than buckling down and doing what needs to be done, and fully accepting my stress and anxiety and my crazy damn life
and while I barely slept last night, with all of this running through my head, and while I'm exhausted today, at the same time I feel lighter. He does come into my mind but I don't want to tear his face off when it does, which is nice, nor do my eyes immediately fill with tears. I'm finally feeling some excitement about starting my new life in the city which I've been doing vicariously through my friends so far, they are all soooo happy for me, but it took me until now to be happy for myself.
I feel .... okay....
and that's a great thing
oh, and as for the anniversary?, April 2nd is when I officially became single last year, the day that she moved out....
and I just spent a couple minutes looking back at everything that has happened to me, everything I've done over the past year, and.... holy crap.... it makes for a long and very varied list.... and that's pretty cool. No wonder I went through another dark period late last year, in retrospect, and I'll have to explore this more at one point, I was probably misdirecting my anxieties as well back then.
The crazy thing about it all, this year is gonna be even bigger
bring it on
bitches
hehehehehhe....
this could even be one of my Cyclical Meanderings posts couldn't it?
anyhoo, coming up next, a discussion on one of my most hated and feared words in the english language
NORMAL
*shudder*
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