I glance at myself in a mirror, I still see a shadow on my face where the beard used to be. I approach the mirror, put my face a few inches away from it, puff out my lip. I hunt for the dark hairs, the survivors, the stragglers.... they're nowhere to be seen.
I pull away from the mirror, I still see the shadow, but the shadow is in my mind, it's not real. I'm the only one that sees it, I know, I've checked, both with people who have known both sides of my weird little coin, as well as with those who have only known the new me...... real me......
I occasionally get hit on by random strangers, nothing creepy or negative, at least not yet, but it does happen. To me, I'm still visible, still obviously trans, but again, that seems to be just in my head. I wasn't expecting this, being able to pass, without trying, without heavy makeup and perfect outfits. One would think that this is the goal right?, actually, for me it complicates things. I don't know if they know, if I reciprocate on the flirting, and they don't know, what will happen when they find out?... because that painter that is working on my building who always stops his work and finds a reason to chat with me.... holy crap is he ever cute. It's like I have this piece of cake being dangled in front of me, but I'm scared to reach out for it. If I knew he knew and he was still acting that way, great, I feel safe, but now?, not so much.
I'm getting what I've always wanted, and it scares me.....
I started a new contact staff class, went out for a few drinks with the teacher after class, a funny way to name myself as trans came up in a conversation and I took it.... turns out I blew his mind.... I had to convince him I used to be the guy that I showed him a picture of, in his words, he would have never guessed in a million years..... and I do my class in knee length leggings and a spaghetti strap camisole (tank top), body completely visible to all that are interested, and he didn't know.
{I kind of ended up in bed with the last teacher, this guy is way cuter, I wanted to make sure he knew who I was}
Yet when I look at myself in the mirror, I can still tell, I think I'll always see him. Which is weird because when I look back at my life, I see her.... a trans woman yes.... but a woman none the less. My memories are shifting, it's amazing how malleable our minds are, how our memories can be altered, makes me wonder about the very nature of reality, but that's another discussion.
I'm coming out of a fog, a fog that has great success in pulling me back in and enveloping me in green smoke, but I'm crawling out, I'll fight it, I won't let myself slip back. It's a good thing
peace
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Fading....
Something I've noticed these past few weeks, my memories of him are fading
no.... not of my ex boyfriend, that's not the "him" that I'm referring to... although those memories are a lot less pervasive these days. He goes through my head at least once a day, probably more, but the thoughts don't carry the same level of loss and pain as they did even a month ago
my memories of ever being a guy (or a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of one) is what is fading
It's weird, I'm in my 14th year at this job, the first 13.5 of which were as a guy, yet when I think back to things I did a couple of years ago, I don't see him in those situations, even though I know it was him, I see me in my mind's eye.
I recall last year walking up to the building, seeing my new reflection in the glass of the door before it automatically whisked open, and marveling at her, at me. Now on the other hand, I see that same reflection, and I have to actively remind myself that it wasn't always this way. In fact it still hasn't even been a year since it's been this way
I often find myself saying "as a little girl" when reminiscing of my past.... yet I was never a little girl..... or was I?
It's getting tough to tell
I've mentioned this to a few people and gotten the response of "well, yeah, you've always been *her*, regardless of the exterior". You're still the same person, you just.... shifted.... into yourself. As if my soul slid from one universe into a parallel one, where I'm a woman instead of a boy.
I think to my previous relationships, his previous relationships, and even there, in my mind's eye, it's Dawn with those women, not him. It can even come across as confusing, as if I have a contradiction, an impossibility in my personal recollections. "I used to date her for years.... but I'm not into chicks..... ooooh wait.... I used to be into them.... no!.... he used to be into them.... oh yeah, Dawn is new, whoops!"
I've forgotten what it's like to have a beard, body hair, a flat chest, a raging libido, testosterone fueled anger. I've forgotten the sadness that I used to feel as I got ready in the morning, looking miserably at one t-shirt versus another, wishing I could put on that gorgeous skirt that I had just bought. Putting myself together in the morning still brings me joy, yet I forget that not so long ago, the same activity was fraught with sadness, depression, melancholy, like it was an indication that nothing was worthwhile in reality, or that the reality I inhabited was *wrong*.
Even when I see a bit of him as I step out of the shower, my wet hair plastered back against my head, I still forget that my body used to be different. My chest, my hips, my legs, my waist, my ass, it's as if I've always had these, and that my previous life was just a weird dream that I've finally woken up from.
When I remind myself that *I* am still new, still going through puberty, still changing, I'm surprised. I know that I'm trans, I know that I've transitioned, I know that I'm not a cis woman, a "regular" woman, but when I don't focus on it, it feels like this is all something that happened a long long time ago (in a galaxy far far away**). This is something I have to remind myself of surprisingly often, when I'm down, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel that I'm not going anywhere, I force myself to stop, sit, and remember all the countless stuff that I've been through in the recent past, and that it hasn't even been a year yet that Dawn has truly existed!.
at least existed for the outside world......
.... cause yeah.... I have always been *her*
been me
cool
** I swear this is a Spaceballs reference, not Star Wars!!!
no.... not of my ex boyfriend, that's not the "him" that I'm referring to... although those memories are a lot less pervasive these days. He goes through my head at least once a day, probably more, but the thoughts don't carry the same level of loss and pain as they did even a month ago
my memories of ever being a guy (or a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of one) is what is fading
It's weird, I'm in my 14th year at this job, the first 13.5 of which were as a guy, yet when I think back to things I did a couple of years ago, I don't see him in those situations, even though I know it was him, I see me in my mind's eye.
I recall last year walking up to the building, seeing my new reflection in the glass of the door before it automatically whisked open, and marveling at her, at me. Now on the other hand, I see that same reflection, and I have to actively remind myself that it wasn't always this way. In fact it still hasn't even been a year since it's been this way
I often find myself saying "as a little girl" when reminiscing of my past.... yet I was never a little girl..... or was I?
It's getting tough to tell
I've mentioned this to a few people and gotten the response of "well, yeah, you've always been *her*, regardless of the exterior". You're still the same person, you just.... shifted.... into yourself. As if my soul slid from one universe into a parallel one, where I'm a woman instead of a boy.
I think to my previous relationships, his previous relationships, and even there, in my mind's eye, it's Dawn with those women, not him. It can even come across as confusing, as if I have a contradiction, an impossibility in my personal recollections. "I used to date her for years.... but I'm not into chicks..... ooooh wait.... I used to be into them.... no!.... he used to be into them.... oh yeah, Dawn is new, whoops!"
I've forgotten what it's like to have a beard, body hair, a flat chest, a raging libido, testosterone fueled anger. I've forgotten the sadness that I used to feel as I got ready in the morning, looking miserably at one t-shirt versus another, wishing I could put on that gorgeous skirt that I had just bought. Putting myself together in the morning still brings me joy, yet I forget that not so long ago, the same activity was fraught with sadness, depression, melancholy, like it was an indication that nothing was worthwhile in reality, or that the reality I inhabited was *wrong*.
Even when I see a bit of him as I step out of the shower, my wet hair plastered back against my head, I still forget that my body used to be different. My chest, my hips, my legs, my waist, my ass, it's as if I've always had these, and that my previous life was just a weird dream that I've finally woken up from.
When I remind myself that *I* am still new, still going through puberty, still changing, I'm surprised. I know that I'm trans, I know that I've transitioned, I know that I'm not a cis woman, a "regular" woman, but when I don't focus on it, it feels like this is all something that happened a long long time ago (in a galaxy far far away**). This is something I have to remind myself of surprisingly often, when I'm down, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel that I'm not going anywhere, I force myself to stop, sit, and remember all the countless stuff that I've been through in the recent past, and that it hasn't even been a year yet that Dawn has truly existed!.
at least existed for the outside world......
.... cause yeah.... I have always been *her*
been me
cool
** I swear this is a Spaceballs reference, not Star Wars!!!
Monday, 26 May 2014
New Digs
So I moved last week
Overall things are looking up since I last sat down to write (if you could call that writing). Back in regular therapy which is helping, doing my best to practice self soothing, realizing when I'm feeling down and actively talking to myself about it, telling myself that I'm OK in reality, keeping mindful of what is going on around me. I don't know if that is what is helping, or I'm just more on an upswing and this is just me feeling better about things, or if it's the weather that is shifting my mood, it's hard to say when you're on a rollercoaster.....
I still have a problem finding motivation, but the crippling loneliness that I've been handling (badly...) is fading.
As usual, one thing that I know has helped, is opening up about it to certain people. Not everyone, as I've learned that very few people truly have an ability to listen actively, but I've realized that a few people in my life can handle this stuff, and I've been letting them help me, which does feel pretty good. Once I realized that my best friend had no idea I had been depressed for the past couple months, I knew that I had been holding back and hiding again. Seems to be a pattern with me......
Back in the dating game as well. I had two dates with a sweet (and straight!) guy but I don't see anything real coming from that, which is kind of a good thing, because I feel absolutely fine telling him "thanks but no thanks" without falling into a "OMG THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AT HAPPINESS AND I MUST HOLD ON!!!!!" type of thing. That's good. I'm *not* desperate at finding another guy, any guy, no matter what, I'm happy to move on and keep fishing, keep trying, until the right one shows up.
That's a good place to be in
The condo is good, I'm quite happy being there, and I hope it will last more than just a year, but even with that, I'll appreciate the chance I had to live here. Meeting the neighbors, getting used to my neighborhood, only slight apprehension that I'll run into my ex while wandering around (it's gonna happen at one point...). Enjoying being close to my tree even though I haven't visited that often just yet, enjoying being close to life.
and for the most part these days, I guess I'm feeling pretty normal.....
that's a good feeling
Overall things are looking up since I last sat down to write (if you could call that writing). Back in regular therapy which is helping, doing my best to practice self soothing, realizing when I'm feeling down and actively talking to myself about it, telling myself that I'm OK in reality, keeping mindful of what is going on around me. I don't know if that is what is helping, or I'm just more on an upswing and this is just me feeling better about things, or if it's the weather that is shifting my mood, it's hard to say when you're on a rollercoaster.....
I still have a problem finding motivation, but the crippling loneliness that I've been handling (badly...) is fading.
As usual, one thing that I know has helped, is opening up about it to certain people. Not everyone, as I've learned that very few people truly have an ability to listen actively, but I've realized that a few people in my life can handle this stuff, and I've been letting them help me, which does feel pretty good. Once I realized that my best friend had no idea I had been depressed for the past couple months, I knew that I had been holding back and hiding again. Seems to be a pattern with me......
Back in the dating game as well. I had two dates with a sweet (and straight!) guy but I don't see anything real coming from that, which is kind of a good thing, because I feel absolutely fine telling him "thanks but no thanks" without falling into a "OMG THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AT HAPPINESS AND I MUST HOLD ON!!!!!" type of thing. That's good. I'm *not* desperate at finding another guy, any guy, no matter what, I'm happy to move on and keep fishing, keep trying, until the right one shows up.
That's a good place to be in
The condo is good, I'm quite happy being there, and I hope it will last more than just a year, but even with that, I'll appreciate the chance I had to live here. Meeting the neighbors, getting used to my neighborhood, only slight apprehension that I'll run into my ex while wandering around (it's gonna happen at one point...). Enjoying being close to my tree even though I haven't visited that often just yet, enjoying being close to life.
and for the most part these days, I guess I'm feeling pretty normal.....
that's a good feeling
Thursday, 17 April 2014
NrmAL
Authors note: this piece makes very little sense, I realize that. I've been trying to get this out of my soul for some time now and haven't been able to really figure out what I want to say, as if I'm dancing around the real issue without being able to put my finger on it. I know there is truth and wisdom somewhere in here, damned if I can find it though.....
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what does it mean... this word that people will strive for, fight for, kill and die for
seems innocuous doesn't it?, just a word, just a concept, but why is it so powerful?
why does it hold such power for me specifically?
why do I crave something that I've always consciously fought against, called out, disdained, labelled as hypocrisy?
I try to define what I think the word means, and even there I have trouble. I suppose for me normal is being seen as such, seen like you're just like everyone else, that you're not a freak, or an outsider. Part of the gang. Accepted for who you are or want to be without question. Not judged. Not stared at. Not discounted. Like your voice, and basic existence, is acknowledged, and the world finds no dissent with you.
like you fit in
and that you're wanted and desired, emotionally, and physically
and that you won't be rejected for what you happen to be
Yet, in my experience, for me to have all of these things, these privileges, I have had to hide aspects of who I was. Be it my sexuality, my identity, my desires, my thoughts and ideas, my mood swings, my emotions. I would chameleon myself to a certain degree, becoming interested in what others were into just to have some common ground, not pushing my own interests, hiding her inside me, etc.
usually the desire for the feeling of normalcy won out. I would put up with things, hide myself, go along with the flow, and life would be good for a while, even though it was all a little fake, but life would be good... until it wasn't.
at one point, things would start to crack, to disintegrate. Truths would start to demand to come out, I would lock down tighter, depression and moodiness would set in, the cracks would widen, and eventually, the levee would break, and chaos would ensue. Note that these truths weren't always about my sexuality or identity as one may assume, it could have been something as simple as admitting that "I'm not happy with you anymore" to a partner and ending a relationship as opposed to going along with the flow of that situation and just bearing it.
like so many "normal" people do.....
I also found that as I got to know my 'normal' entourage better and better, that in reality, none of them were entirely normal either. They had their issues, different, but just as all-encompassing as I did. They hid themselves, they lied to the world just as I was, and for the most part, they were miserable in much of their normalcy, but for whatever reason, they stayed within it.
it's as if at one point I took a conscious stand against normalcy.... I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to be happy.... but honestly and authentically.... proud of my differences, shouting them from the rooftops, consequences be damned!
my fight against normalcy started at a fairly young age, I always had a rebellious streak, and my natural instincts allowed me to see through the veils that so many people hid behind
the apparent normalcy of my family, and most lily white families around me in the neighborhoods that I grew up in, while behind closed doors most things went to shit. Everyone wearing that badge of "I'm great!" on their lapels, when in reality, for whatever reason, gift or curse, I could see through it, could see the hypocrisy, and it always made me sick. I ended up becoming biased against normal (I still don't trust a man that wears a suit to work just to sit at a desk), the more normal someone appeared, the more I believed, I *knew*, they were hiding something big. That they were liars, that they were just propagating the stereotype of normal = good because they were too cowardly to show their true colors.
I made sure I sounded different, looked different, thought different than my peers, than my "social status" expected me to look and sound and think. As a result, I often found myself fairly alone, or with just the other freaks to hang out with, and while that worked for a short period of time, I also longed to not be seen as such, I longed for none of us to be seen as such. The people I passed my time with were good people for the most part, just different in whichever way they happened to be different, and while I basked in these differences and proclaimed them proudly and loudly to those around me, a part of me, and not a small part, didn't want to be seen as such, wished that I wasn't different
I suppose one could look at it in a slightly different light, that I wanted to make freak into mainstream, weirdo into regular.... after all, under the veil, we're all freaks, we're all weirdos, just very few of us have the courage or strength to show it and live it, and those that do suffer judgement from our society, from our world..... from ourselves...
In retrospect a lot of those freaks were simply stronger than I was (or perhaps were less privileged, and therefore, had less to lose by being themselves), they didn't have the need to be seen as normal, if they were trans, they probably would have been able to take care of their issues before the age of 35. I on the other hand, always required that the normal people approved of my freakishness for me to truly feel OK in it.
makes me think of the first place I actually started dealing with being transgender, which was a mens support forum for "nice guys". Of course I was accepted by the trans support forums (all the other freaks) but I never gained strength from them, but once all the "dudes" didn't seem to give a damn about what I was and were only concerned about how I was doing, then I started to grow as a trans person... as a woman... my freakishness was being accepted by the normals, the muggles
and it was only then that I started to consider accepting myself
weird eh?
where am I going with this?, it's as if I have key scenes in my head which I want to get out on paper, yet I'm having trouble connecting them together....
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My ex wife did not make me feel normal. I was reminded of my differences every time I saw her smile falter if I brought up something regarding being femme, or trans issues, or my desires about being with a guy sexually. I began to feel more normal as I went back into the closet and stopped talking about trans things, even though I was miserable, but there is a certain normalcy about being miserable isn't there?. It's a wonderful distraction from actual life, from your actual issues, and seemingly, everyone can relate to that feeling.
Every few months when I was back in the closet, she would ask me why don't I dress anymore?, she could see that repressing myself wasn't doing me any real favors. I couldn't even handle having a proper conversation about it at the time, I would wave it off, mumble something about how I'm not feeling it, and sit there and wait for the feelings of being a freak to pass.
I never wanted to see her eyes say "freak" to me, yet she couldn't help herself, or I couldn't help myself reading that specific word.
When I came back out of the closet I could see that she was happy for me, but at the same time, I could see the sadness hiding there behind her own veil.
--------------
I have a hard time feeling normal when I'm single. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of.... something.... I often deal with nerves and anxiety (like, daily), I hold myself back from trying new things, I spend way too much time trolling online dating profiles, looking for normal people who are open enough to date a woman like myself**, yet if I happen across a profile of another person like myself, or some amazingly strong and visible queer, more often than not, I find a reason to label them with the "freak" moniker and I can't create an attraction to them. I find that I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be seen as a couple of freaks dating.
Maybe that's why my circle is so cis / vanilla / straight.... it's like I want to hide amongst the muggles.....
{or perhaps by surrounding myself with the muggles I can blend in, disappear, it does seem that perhaps, just perhaps, they all accept me better than I can accept myself.... is that the truth that I've been dancing around?}
** so I can't handle being seen as not normal, as I am visible to at least half the people I meet, yet I expect, nay, demand that a normal person is strong enough to be seen as a freak by being by my side?..... that's kinda fucked isn't it?
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My ex boyfriend on the other hand, made me feel perfectly normal. Of course he knew I am trans, and of course we discussed it and my experiences from time to time, but it could have been us discussing any subject at all. I never felt like a bug under a microscope, or some exotic oddity, even though he screwed up pronouns with me twice (thankfully right at the beginning) I never once felt different with him. When we were together, we were a normal couple, both had regular professional careers, both home owners, 'normal' friends and family, two nerds exploring a life together. With him I felt like a beautiful woman, not a tranny, and I felt utterly, beautifully, normal.
With him, I would forget that I'm trans, that I'm different, and for me, that was magical.
But a key that I often forget (ignore?) when I think of how I felt about myself when I was with him, are those times that he became distant, the times I felt ignored, my anxiety and dread would rush back into me almost instantly. The fear in my soul would return, and it would be just as strong, if not stronger, than what I feel now. What need did he actually satisfy within me?, is that a need that I can satisfy for myself?.
Is it even normalcy that I'm hunting for?, I still have trouble defining the word, so perhaps I'm using the wrong word entirely, perhaps this quest for normal is simply a distraction from dealing with who I am?
{these last two paragraphs are among the last written in this piece, a nested addendum if you will, and writing them brought a sense of relief to my anxious gut}
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There is a chaser who I've known for a couple years now, and while I know he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful women that he knows, when I'm with him I find that often, so very often, I feel ugly, gross, less than. That the only reason he is with me is because I'm one of the few well adjusted (yeah I realize how funny that is) trans women that he has been able to meet, it has nothing to do with WHO I am, but all with WHAT I am.
I'm reminded of what I am constantly with him, not always because he says things that would remind me, but because I know that if I were a cis-woman, he wouldn't be there talking to me. He doesn't see me as Dawn, like my ex boyfriend did, he sees me as Dawn-the-transsexual.
Of course I know what I am, but I don't want to be seen as such, be reminded of it constantly. It makes me feel..... not normal
{or, also in addendum, the constant knowledge, reminder, that he sees me as woman (sub genus: trans), is too much for me to handle as I still have trouble accepting myself?... to be discussed with my therapist}
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Was I only interested in women in my past life because as a man, dating a woman is the expected norm?. Did my sexuality shift so drastically because now as a woman, dating a man is the expected norm?. As a boy, I could not at all consider dating another man, cuddling him or having him cuddle me, it just always felt completely *wrong* (not that I ever tried mind you...). Now, I feel the same way w/r to being with another woman, it just feels wrong.
Is this valid?, is this OK?, or have I not even really figured out my sexuality and I'm just attracted to anything that will make me feel {appear} normal?
--------------
I've often used the words "make me feel" within this piece, I wonder if anyone caught that, took me a while but I just did.
No one can make someone feel something emotionally, they can provide a stimulus, but it is up to us to decide how we feel about it.
Especially when it comes down to feeling good about yourself, which I think is the crux of the word normal to me. Feeling like you're OK, that you're going to be OK, that you're doing good, on the right path.
I know that the path to transition was the right one for me, but where is my path now?. I'm a woman, I've transitioned, I've done it..... now what?
I'm calmer now, my downs aren't as low (even though they are more emotional) and don't seem to last as long. I'm not as self destructive as I was even though I still do stupid stuff, but transitioning wasn't the end of my road, it was the beginning, and I guess a part of me was hoping that I could walk away in my new body and just become "fine", that it would be the end of the work.....
so where is this new road going to lead?
"anywhere you want it to" I'm sure lots of people would reply.... which of course leads back to my classic "what do you want?"
and unfortunately, my answer is simply..... I don't know
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to fight myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I want to be able to get a full days work done without feeling lonely, feeling like the world is going down the tubes so fast that there's no real point to anything.
I want to be able to look forward to something and be excited about it, from something as simple as a night out with some friends, to a huge show that is coming nine months away
I want to be able to enjoy time with friends without having that sense of dread and anxiety sitting deep in my gut
I want to be able to handle rejection without it tearing me down
I want to stop living in my own head, and start living in the real world
I want to be my own rock
I want to be able to go a day without compulsively checking email, facebook, dating sites. I want to NOT feel a lift in my spirit if I see that someone is trying to reach me which is coupled with sadness for myself if no one has done so
I want to own my emotions and not put them on others
I want to be able to truly feel love for myself
I want to be able to say that I've done good in my life
I want to want
you know.... like all the normal people
I've beat this horse to death now, just going to hit publish and move on
till next time.....
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what does it mean... this word that people will strive for, fight for, kill and die for
normal
seems innocuous doesn't it?, just a word, just a concept, but why is it so powerful?
why does it hold such power for me specifically?
why do I crave something that I've always consciously fought against, called out, disdained, labelled as hypocrisy?
I try to define what I think the word means, and even there I have trouble. I suppose for me normal is being seen as such, seen like you're just like everyone else, that you're not a freak, or an outsider. Part of the gang. Accepted for who you are or want to be without question. Not judged. Not stared at. Not discounted. Like your voice, and basic existence, is acknowledged, and the world finds no dissent with you.
like you fit in
and that you're wanted and desired, emotionally, and physically
and that you won't be rejected for what you happen to be
Yet, in my experience, for me to have all of these things, these privileges, I have had to hide aspects of who I was. Be it my sexuality, my identity, my desires, my thoughts and ideas, my mood swings, my emotions. I would chameleon myself to a certain degree, becoming interested in what others were into just to have some common ground, not pushing my own interests, hiding her inside me, etc.
usually the desire for the feeling of normalcy won out. I would put up with things, hide myself, go along with the flow, and life would be good for a while, even though it was all a little fake, but life would be good... until it wasn't.
at one point, things would start to crack, to disintegrate. Truths would start to demand to come out, I would lock down tighter, depression and moodiness would set in, the cracks would widen, and eventually, the levee would break, and chaos would ensue. Note that these truths weren't always about my sexuality or identity as one may assume, it could have been something as simple as admitting that "I'm not happy with you anymore" to a partner and ending a relationship as opposed to going along with the flow of that situation and just bearing it.
like so many "normal" people do.....
I also found that as I got to know my 'normal' entourage better and better, that in reality, none of them were entirely normal either. They had their issues, different, but just as all-encompassing as I did. They hid themselves, they lied to the world just as I was, and for the most part, they were miserable in much of their normalcy, but for whatever reason, they stayed within it.
it's as if at one point I took a conscious stand against normalcy.... I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to be happy.... but honestly and authentically.... proud of my differences, shouting them from the rooftops, consequences be damned!
my fight against normalcy started at a fairly young age, I always had a rebellious streak, and my natural instincts allowed me to see through the veils that so many people hid behind
the apparent normalcy of my family, and most lily white families around me in the neighborhoods that I grew up in, while behind closed doors most things went to shit. Everyone wearing that badge of "I'm great!" on their lapels, when in reality, for whatever reason, gift or curse, I could see through it, could see the hypocrisy, and it always made me sick. I ended up becoming biased against normal (I still don't trust a man that wears a suit to work just to sit at a desk), the more normal someone appeared, the more I believed, I *knew*, they were hiding something big. That they were liars, that they were just propagating the stereotype of normal = good because they were too cowardly to show their true colors.
I made sure I sounded different, looked different, thought different than my peers, than my "social status" expected me to look and sound and think. As a result, I often found myself fairly alone, or with just the other freaks to hang out with, and while that worked for a short period of time, I also longed to not be seen as such, I longed for none of us to be seen as such. The people I passed my time with were good people for the most part, just different in whichever way they happened to be different, and while I basked in these differences and proclaimed them proudly and loudly to those around me, a part of me, and not a small part, didn't want to be seen as such, wished that I wasn't different
I suppose one could look at it in a slightly different light, that I wanted to make freak into mainstream, weirdo into regular.... after all, under the veil, we're all freaks, we're all weirdos, just very few of us have the courage or strength to show it and live it, and those that do suffer judgement from our society, from our world..... from ourselves...
In retrospect a lot of those freaks were simply stronger than I was (or perhaps were less privileged, and therefore, had less to lose by being themselves), they didn't have the need to be seen as normal, if they were trans, they probably would have been able to take care of their issues before the age of 35. I on the other hand, always required that the normal people approved of my freakishness for me to truly feel OK in it.
makes me think of the first place I actually started dealing with being transgender, which was a mens support forum for "nice guys". Of course I was accepted by the trans support forums (all the other freaks) but I never gained strength from them, but once all the "dudes" didn't seem to give a damn about what I was and were only concerned about how I was doing, then I started to grow as a trans person... as a woman... my freakishness was being accepted by the normals, the muggles
and it was only then that I started to consider accepting myself
weird eh?
where am I going with this?, it's as if I have key scenes in my head which I want to get out on paper, yet I'm having trouble connecting them together....
--------------
My ex wife did not make me feel normal. I was reminded of my differences every time I saw her smile falter if I brought up something regarding being femme, or trans issues, or my desires about being with a guy sexually. I began to feel more normal as I went back into the closet and stopped talking about trans things, even though I was miserable, but there is a certain normalcy about being miserable isn't there?. It's a wonderful distraction from actual life, from your actual issues, and seemingly, everyone can relate to that feeling.
Every few months when I was back in the closet, she would ask me why don't I dress anymore?, she could see that repressing myself wasn't doing me any real favors. I couldn't even handle having a proper conversation about it at the time, I would wave it off, mumble something about how I'm not feeling it, and sit there and wait for the feelings of being a freak to pass.
I never wanted to see her eyes say "freak" to me, yet she couldn't help herself, or I couldn't help myself reading that specific word.
When I came back out of the closet I could see that she was happy for me, but at the same time, I could see the sadness hiding there behind her own veil.
--------------
I have a hard time feeling normal when I'm single. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of.... something.... I often deal with nerves and anxiety (like, daily), I hold myself back from trying new things, I spend way too much time trolling online dating profiles, looking for normal people who are open enough to date a woman like myself**, yet if I happen across a profile of another person like myself, or some amazingly strong and visible queer, more often than not, I find a reason to label them with the "freak" moniker and I can't create an attraction to them. I find that I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be seen as a couple of freaks dating.
Maybe that's why my circle is so cis / vanilla / straight.... it's like I want to hide amongst the muggles.....
{or perhaps by surrounding myself with the muggles I can blend in, disappear, it does seem that perhaps, just perhaps, they all accept me better than I can accept myself.... is that the truth that I've been dancing around?}
** so I can't handle being seen as not normal, as I am visible to at least half the people I meet, yet I expect, nay, demand that a normal person is strong enough to be seen as a freak by being by my side?..... that's kinda fucked isn't it?
--------------
My ex boyfriend on the other hand, made me feel perfectly normal. Of course he knew I am trans, and of course we discussed it and my experiences from time to time, but it could have been us discussing any subject at all. I never felt like a bug under a microscope, or some exotic oddity, even though he screwed up pronouns with me twice (thankfully right at the beginning) I never once felt different with him. When we were together, we were a normal couple, both had regular professional careers, both home owners, 'normal' friends and family, two nerds exploring a life together. With him I felt like a beautiful woman, not a tranny, and I felt utterly, beautifully, normal.
With him, I would forget that I'm trans, that I'm different, and for me, that was magical.
But a key that I often forget (ignore?) when I think of how I felt about myself when I was with him, are those times that he became distant, the times I felt ignored, my anxiety and dread would rush back into me almost instantly. The fear in my soul would return, and it would be just as strong, if not stronger, than what I feel now. What need did he actually satisfy within me?, is that a need that I can satisfy for myself?.
Is it even normalcy that I'm hunting for?, I still have trouble defining the word, so perhaps I'm using the wrong word entirely, perhaps this quest for normal is simply a distraction from dealing with who I am?
{these last two paragraphs are among the last written in this piece, a nested addendum if you will, and writing them brought a sense of relief to my anxious gut}
--------------
There is a chaser who I've known for a couple years now, and while I know he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful women that he knows, when I'm with him I find that often, so very often, I feel ugly, gross, less than. That the only reason he is with me is because I'm one of the few well adjusted (yeah I realize how funny that is) trans women that he has been able to meet, it has nothing to do with WHO I am, but all with WHAT I am.
I'm reminded of what I am constantly with him, not always because he says things that would remind me, but because I know that if I were a cis-woman, he wouldn't be there talking to me. He doesn't see me as Dawn, like my ex boyfriend did, he sees me as Dawn-the-transsexual.
Of course I know what I am, but I don't want to be seen as such, be reminded of it constantly. It makes me feel..... not normal
{or, also in addendum, the constant knowledge, reminder, that he sees me as woman (sub genus: trans), is too much for me to handle as I still have trouble accepting myself?... to be discussed with my therapist}
--------------
Was I only interested in women in my past life because as a man, dating a woman is the expected norm?. Did my sexuality shift so drastically because now as a woman, dating a man is the expected norm?. As a boy, I could not at all consider dating another man, cuddling him or having him cuddle me, it just always felt completely *wrong* (not that I ever tried mind you...). Now, I feel the same way w/r to being with another woman, it just feels wrong.
Is this valid?, is this OK?, or have I not even really figured out my sexuality and I'm just attracted to anything that will make me feel {appear} normal?
--------------
I've often used the words "make me feel" within this piece, I wonder if anyone caught that, took me a while but I just did.
No one can make someone feel something emotionally, they can provide a stimulus, but it is up to us to decide how we feel about it.
Especially when it comes down to feeling good about yourself, which I think is the crux of the word normal to me. Feeling like you're OK, that you're going to be OK, that you're doing good, on the right path.
I know that the path to transition was the right one for me, but where is my path now?. I'm a woman, I've transitioned, I've done it..... now what?
I'm calmer now, my downs aren't as low (even though they are more emotional) and don't seem to last as long. I'm not as self destructive as I was even though I still do stupid stuff, but transitioning wasn't the end of my road, it was the beginning, and I guess a part of me was hoping that I could walk away in my new body and just become "fine", that it would be the end of the work.....
so where is this new road going to lead?
"anywhere you want it to" I'm sure lots of people would reply.... which of course leads back to my classic "what do you want?"
and unfortunately, my answer is simply..... I don't know
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to fight myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I want to be able to get a full days work done without feeling lonely, feeling like the world is going down the tubes so fast that there's no real point to anything.
I want to be able to look forward to something and be excited about it, from something as simple as a night out with some friends, to a huge show that is coming nine months away
I want to be able to enjoy time with friends without having that sense of dread and anxiety sitting deep in my gut
I want to be able to handle rejection without it tearing me down
I want to stop living in my own head, and start living in the real world
I want to be my own rock
I want to be able to go a day without compulsively checking email, facebook, dating sites. I want to NOT feel a lift in my spirit if I see that someone is trying to reach me which is coupled with sadness for myself if no one has done so
I want to own my emotions and not put them on others
I want to be able to truly feel love for myself
I want to be able to say that I've done good in my life
I want to want
you know.... like all the normal people
I've beat this horse to death now, just going to hit publish and move on
till next time.....
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
An anniversary of sorts....
So I missed my one year mark on the blog, I was super busy on the night of the 27th, moved some stuff into the new condo, got home super late. I had written something the following day, expecting it to be my next post, my little one year celebration post, but I wasn't feeling it. The words were forced, the excitement.... fake
it will sit there as a draft .... which is fine
see, I haven't been doing that great these past few weeks, as I'm sure was made somewhat obvious by my recent writings. I've been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, stressed, there's a lot of crap going on in my life right now which is annihilating my stability, and as we all know, I'm not terribly good at handling those types of feelings.
my mind has been on my ex constantly during this time and it's been getting worse and worse. I'm still angry at him, angry for what he did, for how things turned out... but most of all angry because I don't have that feeling of security, of calmness, of solidity... and the last time I had that was with him
like I've said, I always feel more stable when I have a partner, something I'm still working on
so all the stress and anxiety I've been feeling, I've been putting that on him, still stuck on the idea that this is all his fault, that he took my power away, my strength, my confidence. The one who started it all, Laura, helped me realize that I'm stuck in a place in which I see myself as a victim to my own life, and I'm blaming him for it
she showed me how even though I was hurting bad for the first couple of weeks after it all ended, that I was still being positive, I wasn't letting it take me down completely, and it's true. I recall having a few friends express admiration at how well I was doing, reminding me of the strength that I have... which unfortunately is a strength I often forget about
but soon after the breakup, life changes started happening fast. The condo as a possibility, which became a reality almost immediately after, meeting my dad for the first time, having to get the house ready for sale, having to get the condo ready to be lived in, fighting about my salary at work, thinking about making a massive life change in switching careers.... all of this has happened over the space of what.... the past four weeks?
that's a hell of a lot for anyone to handle
all of this has made me feel insecure about my life, scared about where I'll be, like I no longer have a base, a rock, to stand upon. Sure I want to leave the house I'm currently in and start again, but I'll be closing the door on a huge part of what my life used to be, moving to a new area, losing those landmarks which I don't even realize I've become accustomed to, and being forced to take ownership of a whole new world, create new connections, new landmarks, new "favorites"
with the added challenge that the new landmarks I'll be taking ownership of used to be *our* landmarks.....
and all of the insecurity, anxiety, and fear that I feel.... I've dumped on him, blamed him for it... easier than dealing with it after all
as all of the new challenges and stresses have arrived, one after another, I've had a harder and harder time dealing with the breakup.... even though none of it has anything to do with the breakup.... I never attributed the stress to moving, to changing my environment, to fighting with work, to dealing with my dad, all places that have contributed to a certain degree to my anxiety, I never attributed them to the correct places.... I feel more worried, more scared, and I blame him for taking away my strength and peace.... I relive all the sugary sweet crap that he filled my mind and my heart with and I hold on to that anger, wishing all the promises were true, because of course then I'd feel perfect.... wouldn't I?
bah...
I've been playing the victim
that doesn't absolve him though... bear that in mind... he was still a shit to me and I get to feel about him whatever damn way I choose
but I've been playing the victim, I haven't been owning my emotions or my feelings
I need to acknowledge that I'm stressed and that it's OK to be so. I need to acknowledge that the stress is caused by a huge number of completely normal events. I need to realize that this stress will be dealt with, I will make it through to the other side, and that there are many small steps that I will be taking to get through this, each of which will reduce my stress. I need to acknowledge that I still have work in letting my old life go, and that feeling at home in my new world won't happen immediately... but that it will happen. I need to acknowledge that the way I feel right now is natural, normal, even healthy, and that overall, it has very, very little to do with him.... he's just an easy scapegoat which keeps me mired in unhappiness, which stops me from moving, slows down my progress, which unfortunately, is a comfortable place for me, pointing that finger of blame, saying "I feel this way because of you", or "if you hadn't done what you did I would be going through all of this fine"... that's all easier than buckling down and doing what needs to be done, and fully accepting my stress and anxiety and my crazy damn life
and while I barely slept last night, with all of this running through my head, and while I'm exhausted today, at the same time I feel lighter. He does come into my mind but I don't want to tear his face off when it does, which is nice, nor do my eyes immediately fill with tears. I'm finally feeling some excitement about starting my new life in the city which I've been doing vicariously through my friends so far, they are all soooo happy for me, but it took me until now to be happy for myself.
I feel .... okay....
and that's a great thing
oh, and as for the anniversary?, April 2nd is when I officially became single last year, the day that she moved out....
and I just spent a couple minutes looking back at everything that has happened to me, everything I've done over the past year, and.... holy crap.... it makes for a long and very varied list.... and that's pretty cool. No wonder I went through another dark period late last year, in retrospect, and I'll have to explore this more at one point, I was probably misdirecting my anxieties as well back then.
The crazy thing about it all, this year is gonna be even bigger
bring it on
bitches
hehehehehhe....
this could even be one of my Cyclical Meanderings posts couldn't it?
anyhoo, coming up next, a discussion on one of my most hated and feared words in the english language
NORMAL
*shudder*
it will sit there as a draft .... which is fine
see, I haven't been doing that great these past few weeks, as I'm sure was made somewhat obvious by my recent writings. I've been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, stressed, there's a lot of crap going on in my life right now which is annihilating my stability, and as we all know, I'm not terribly good at handling those types of feelings.
my mind has been on my ex constantly during this time and it's been getting worse and worse. I'm still angry at him, angry for what he did, for how things turned out... but most of all angry because I don't have that feeling of security, of calmness, of solidity... and the last time I had that was with him
like I've said, I always feel more stable when I have a partner, something I'm still working on
so all the stress and anxiety I've been feeling, I've been putting that on him, still stuck on the idea that this is all his fault, that he took my power away, my strength, my confidence. The one who started it all, Laura, helped me realize that I'm stuck in a place in which I see myself as a victim to my own life, and I'm blaming him for it
she showed me how even though I was hurting bad for the first couple of weeks after it all ended, that I was still being positive, I wasn't letting it take me down completely, and it's true. I recall having a few friends express admiration at how well I was doing, reminding me of the strength that I have... which unfortunately is a strength I often forget about
but soon after the breakup, life changes started happening fast. The condo as a possibility, which became a reality almost immediately after, meeting my dad for the first time, having to get the house ready for sale, having to get the condo ready to be lived in, fighting about my salary at work, thinking about making a massive life change in switching careers.... all of this has happened over the space of what.... the past four weeks?
that's a hell of a lot for anyone to handle
all of this has made me feel insecure about my life, scared about where I'll be, like I no longer have a base, a rock, to stand upon. Sure I want to leave the house I'm currently in and start again, but I'll be closing the door on a huge part of what my life used to be, moving to a new area, losing those landmarks which I don't even realize I've become accustomed to, and being forced to take ownership of a whole new world, create new connections, new landmarks, new "favorites"
with the added challenge that the new landmarks I'll be taking ownership of used to be *our* landmarks.....
and all of the insecurity, anxiety, and fear that I feel.... I've dumped on him, blamed him for it... easier than dealing with it after all
as all of the new challenges and stresses have arrived, one after another, I've had a harder and harder time dealing with the breakup.... even though none of it has anything to do with the breakup.... I never attributed the stress to moving, to changing my environment, to fighting with work, to dealing with my dad, all places that have contributed to a certain degree to my anxiety, I never attributed them to the correct places.... I feel more worried, more scared, and I blame him for taking away my strength and peace.... I relive all the sugary sweet crap that he filled my mind and my heart with and I hold on to that anger, wishing all the promises were true, because of course then I'd feel perfect.... wouldn't I?
bah...
I've been playing the victim
that doesn't absolve him though... bear that in mind... he was still a shit to me and I get to feel about him whatever damn way I choose
but I've been playing the victim, I haven't been owning my emotions or my feelings
I need to acknowledge that I'm stressed and that it's OK to be so. I need to acknowledge that the stress is caused by a huge number of completely normal events. I need to realize that this stress will be dealt with, I will make it through to the other side, and that there are many small steps that I will be taking to get through this, each of which will reduce my stress. I need to acknowledge that I still have work in letting my old life go, and that feeling at home in my new world won't happen immediately... but that it will happen. I need to acknowledge that the way I feel right now is natural, normal, even healthy, and that overall, it has very, very little to do with him.... he's just an easy scapegoat which keeps me mired in unhappiness, which stops me from moving, slows down my progress, which unfortunately, is a comfortable place for me, pointing that finger of blame, saying "I feel this way because of you", or "if you hadn't done what you did I would be going through all of this fine"... that's all easier than buckling down and doing what needs to be done, and fully accepting my stress and anxiety and my crazy damn life
and while I barely slept last night, with all of this running through my head, and while I'm exhausted today, at the same time I feel lighter. He does come into my mind but I don't want to tear his face off when it does, which is nice, nor do my eyes immediately fill with tears. I'm finally feeling some excitement about starting my new life in the city which I've been doing vicariously through my friends so far, they are all soooo happy for me, but it took me until now to be happy for myself.
I feel .... okay....
and that's a great thing
oh, and as for the anniversary?, April 2nd is when I officially became single last year, the day that she moved out....
and I just spent a couple minutes looking back at everything that has happened to me, everything I've done over the past year, and.... holy crap.... it makes for a long and very varied list.... and that's pretty cool. No wonder I went through another dark period late last year, in retrospect, and I'll have to explore this more at one point, I was probably misdirecting my anxieties as well back then.
The crazy thing about it all, this year is gonna be even bigger
bring it on
bitches
hehehehehhe....
this could even be one of my Cyclical Meanderings posts couldn't it?
anyhoo, coming up next, a discussion on one of my most hated and feared words in the english language
NORMAL
*shudder*
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Meaningless sex....
bear with me, no fucking clue where I'm going with this one....
and for the prudish out there, you're probably going to want to skip this....
I connected with my first lover just a few days before I had my first real day with my ex, slept with two new people in the span of five days, something very new for me coming from a life of monogamy and long term relationships. I even had an experience with both of them one night halfway through the relationship, and it was amazing, not to mention the two more hours of great sex when my ex and I got back to his place, spurred by the lust that had pervaded the evening.
Taking on lovers while in a relationship can truly be a beautiful thing, hope I get to experience again at one point
I picked up another one two days after getting dumped, opened the door to a friend who I knew was interested in me, I was correct, and the tantric experience occurred.
The week after, at a birthday party, I pick up a cute queer couple (both boys) and have played with one so far with a date set for the two of them soon. Met another couple (boy/girl this time) who want to explore.
The week after had a threesome with my first lover and another girlfriend of his
Chatting on OKC with another two potentials
a good female friend and I keep meaning to explore but circumstances keep fucking it up
Spending a lot of time talking with a great guy online who lives 3000km away, if he were here, he would join the ranks... or maybe be brought to the front of the ranks, impossible to say, but it's something I think of....
all wonderful experiences to be certain, and I'm looking forward to repeating them and furthering all of these explorations
and while I am enjoying myself
I do feel empty sometimes about it all, almost ambivalent..... I'm finally exploring sexuality like I should have twenty years ago, which is a great thing, but it does fixate in my mind what I don't have.... a steady partner.... someone to cuddle with all the time, as opposed to from time to time
also, the fact that I can find friends with benefits fairly easily also reminds me that finding an actual date is not the same thing..... in reality.... I've only had one real date since transition which was with my ex, and which turned into a real relationship almost immediately..... I also haven't been turning people down either
dating while trans..... ugh
so what am I getting from my lovers?, what needs are being met?, or what is it all distracting me from?..... how healthy is it?
why do I often leave a session with a feeling of missing out on something
what am I really searching for?
the sex is always great, while we're playing, no matter what the play happens to be, I am *into* it, I'm not distracted, I'm loving it. It's on the way home afterwards where that feeling of being left wanting creeps in, as if this isn't really what I want.... I do want it, but it's like its missing the mark somewhere.....
prior to this year I've only had sex with people I loved, and who loved me in return, so there is a definite connection in my soul between physical intimacy and love. The aforementioned threesome with my ex was incredibly satisfying, the most satisfying out of any of my dalliances, probably because my needs for love were already taken care of, and I had satisfied my need for exploration.
but now, even if its with someone that I do genuinely care about and feel comfortable with, that need for love is not being satisfied, I still have that hole in me looking to be filled..... and since I never take as a lover someone who I could actually see myself dating seriously.... there is no chance of that hole being filled with these people who I occasionally share my (and their) bed with.
I've written already on that hole, and how I believe that you need to be able to fill that hole with love for yourself, you can't depend on someone else to do it....
was I wrong?, is it possible to give yourself that?, or am I just in a darker place right now than I was then, it does feel that way, so much going on and I'm stressing out over my life and all the choices I need to be making right now (job, future, money, etc) and I am falling into a procrastination routine, getting scared...
all I know is that when that hole is filled, anything is possible and things are worth fighting for, when it is empty, nothing seems truly worthwhile, as if everything is a distraction
and he is still invading my thoughts non stop, almost like it's getting worse instead of better.... fucking hell....
but it's human to want to be loved, to want to be wanted, to want to have that special someone who you can let into your heart completely, and they can let you into theirs.... does it have to be about filling some need that you are *supposed* to be able to fill yourself?, can someone really fill that themselves?
more thought.... and more meaningless sex.... is required
I've confused myself
and for the prudish out there, you're probably going to want to skip this....
I connected with my first lover just a few days before I had my first real day with my ex, slept with two new people in the span of five days, something very new for me coming from a life of monogamy and long term relationships. I even had an experience with both of them one night halfway through the relationship, and it was amazing, not to mention the two more hours of great sex when my ex and I got back to his place, spurred by the lust that had pervaded the evening.
Taking on lovers while in a relationship can truly be a beautiful thing, hope I get to experience again at one point
I picked up another one two days after getting dumped, opened the door to a friend who I knew was interested in me, I was correct, and the tantric experience occurred.
The week after, at a birthday party, I pick up a cute queer couple (both boys) and have played with one so far with a date set for the two of them soon. Met another couple (boy/girl this time) who want to explore.
The week after had a threesome with my first lover and another girlfriend of his
Chatting on OKC with another two potentials
a good female friend and I keep meaning to explore but circumstances keep fucking it up
Spending a lot of time talking with a great guy online who lives 3000km away, if he were here, he would join the ranks... or maybe be brought to the front of the ranks, impossible to say, but it's something I think of....
all wonderful experiences to be certain, and I'm looking forward to repeating them and furthering all of these explorations
and while I am enjoying myself
I do feel empty sometimes about it all, almost ambivalent..... I'm finally exploring sexuality like I should have twenty years ago, which is a great thing, but it does fixate in my mind what I don't have.... a steady partner.... someone to cuddle with all the time, as opposed to from time to time
also, the fact that I can find friends with benefits fairly easily also reminds me that finding an actual date is not the same thing..... in reality.... I've only had one real date since transition which was with my ex, and which turned into a real relationship almost immediately..... I also haven't been turning people down either
dating while trans..... ugh
so what am I getting from my lovers?, what needs are being met?, or what is it all distracting me from?..... how healthy is it?
why do I often leave a session with a feeling of missing out on something
what am I really searching for?
the sex is always great, while we're playing, no matter what the play happens to be, I am *into* it, I'm not distracted, I'm loving it. It's on the way home afterwards where that feeling of being left wanting creeps in, as if this isn't really what I want.... I do want it, but it's like its missing the mark somewhere.....
prior to this year I've only had sex with people I loved, and who loved me in return, so there is a definite connection in my soul between physical intimacy and love. The aforementioned threesome with my ex was incredibly satisfying, the most satisfying out of any of my dalliances, probably because my needs for love were already taken care of, and I had satisfied my need for exploration.
but now, even if its with someone that I do genuinely care about and feel comfortable with, that need for love is not being satisfied, I still have that hole in me looking to be filled..... and since I never take as a lover someone who I could actually see myself dating seriously.... there is no chance of that hole being filled with these people who I occasionally share my (and their) bed with.
I've written already on that hole, and how I believe that you need to be able to fill that hole with love for yourself, you can't depend on someone else to do it....
was I wrong?, is it possible to give yourself that?, or am I just in a darker place right now than I was then, it does feel that way, so much going on and I'm stressing out over my life and all the choices I need to be making right now (job, future, money, etc) and I am falling into a procrastination routine, getting scared...
all I know is that when that hole is filled, anything is possible and things are worth fighting for, when it is empty, nothing seems truly worthwhile, as if everything is a distraction
and he is still invading my thoughts non stop, almost like it's getting worse instead of better.... fucking hell....
but it's human to want to be loved, to want to be wanted, to want to have that special someone who you can let into your heart completely, and they can let you into theirs.... does it have to be about filling some need that you are *supposed* to be able to fill yourself?, can someone really fill that themselves?
more thought.... and more meaningless sex.... is required
I've confused myself
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
The Future
is almost here
house needs to be up on the market in 5 weeks time, some work to do on it, nothing dreadful thankfully
the condo needs to be tweaked, a few fixes, lots of paint, some shelving and storage
a few things to buy, a lot to sell
......
I've moved a number of times since I've been on my own, and there have been a number of things that I've been lugging with me for almost fifteen years now. Memories, movies (couple hundred), books (even more), old gaming systems (why???), all things that I used to define myself by. I won't be able to bring most of it with me this time
and I'm really OK with that... all I feel I need are my clothes, hoops and staves, instruments, and music. The only reason I even need the Xbox is for Rocksmith which is really helping me re-learn the bass and guitar, but even that will lose its necessity soon.
OK or not, it's still scary
I'll have a decent chunk of change in my pocket, and a very cheap place to live in for at least a year, and for the first time in my life I'll have no debt, no *need* to maintain my type of income. If I had two years in the condo, I would probably be able to live there without working for that whole period of time
and this gives me a new freedom in my life which I've never had before, the freedom to actually do what I want
exhilarating, and terrifying at the same time
........
I've never been paid well at the company that I work, yes the work is interesting and I learn a lot, but comparatively the pay sucks. I got fed up this year, and threatened HR with a pay-me-more-NOW-or-lose-me, still waiting to hear if anything will be done about that or if I'm just going to be ignored again, but even if they give me what I want, bump my pay by 15%, maybe a new title, is that what I really want?.... will it magically make me happy here?
I know that I don't want to be in this building for the next thirty years, doing the same stuff, putting up with the same shit. For a while now, I've had the same thought about my entire industry (engineering by the way). We don't really do anything useful except for making old rich white men richer.
So if they give me what I'm demanding, will I even bother staying?, maybe a few extra months to rack up some more coin, but that means missing my summer, and the thought of having a summer off, oh my, what a wonderful thought....
am I just going to walk away?, from here, from the entire industry?, flush my degree down the toilet?
do I have the strength to do it, and actually go after something I want?
but what do I want?
that's always a tricky one....
.......
People ask me why do I want to leave the industry.
At the root of it, I don't feel like I'm doing anything useful or meaningful with my life, and as I age, this is becoming more and more important. Sometimes I get that satisfaction that I crave by helping others deal with issues, by putting on my healer mantle, listening to people in need, guiding them to new possibilities, new perceptions of their situation, but the next day I'm back in a cubicle farm, feeling stifled, feeling held back.
I never look forward to going to work.... ever.... and that sucks.... getting up each day to go in is a chore.... I skip out early often out of sheer boredom or frustration..... which means that I have to make up hours on the weekend which just means that I spend less of my time doing what I want. I'm not motivated enough to even do my eight hours, and as a punishment I have to force that same motivation on days when I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, which makes everything even shittier.
Ugh.....
.......
If I become a therapist, or social worker, or whatever, will I be able to easily get up in the morning looking forward to doing what I'm being paid to do?. That is a huge question that is on my mind.
If I jump in with both feet, will it be worth it in the long run?, or will I end up in the same place that I am now?, always bored, looking for something new, looking for a distraction....
Is the problem really what I do?, or is it this environment that I've been stagnating in for thirteen years? (not like the company I worked at as an intern during University was any better), or is it my perception of things?.
Every now and then I do enjoy my work, and I leave the building feeling satisfied, but it's always due to overcoming some huge obstacle, fixing some nefarious bug that has been causing us problems. It makes me feel like I've spent my time productively.... am I chasing a pipe dream wanting that feeling every day?.... am I being greedy?
but even the day after that I have a good day, I still don't want to get up. The only time that I feel driven for an extended period of time is when I'm in the field, because out there *everything* that I do is useful, is appreciated, and of course, being and working somewhere strange is one hell of a distraction.... but after a couple weeks of being out there, it starts to lose its magic, lose its appeal, and I just long to leave....
I'm very worried that after a few weeks of being a therapist I'll start to feel the same way.... after dumping my old life, my old degree, my old home.... sure I could get back into the engineering game, but finding a good job in this world as a trans woman?.... not really looking forward to trying that
......
I tell myself that I had the same fears when I decided to transition, and this type of life change that I'm contemplating now is just as big of a transition. I was scared that Dawn would be just as miserable as he was, that I would come to the conclusion that changing genders wasn't what I actually needed....
thankfully, in that regard, I have nothing to regret.... a scary plunge for sure, but one that I know was the right thing to do....
and I'm one of those people that isn't 100% sure of anything at all, this is probably the only decision that I've made in my life which I have no doubt about....
fear is holding me back here, lack of that constant paycheck, loss of private medical insurance, but its not like I'll be destitute or anything, just I'll have to be careful, and not sit there and let life go by, I need to get up and go after something, anything, either becoming a therapist, or upping my skills and knowledge in the game that I'm already in.... something else I've never really done, which is going to make finding a new engineering job for this trans woman even tougher
I'll need a job at one point
.......
What to do..... ?
......
What do I want?
house needs to be up on the market in 5 weeks time, some work to do on it, nothing dreadful thankfully
the condo needs to be tweaked, a few fixes, lots of paint, some shelving and storage
a few things to buy, a lot to sell
......
I've moved a number of times since I've been on my own, and there have been a number of things that I've been lugging with me for almost fifteen years now. Memories, movies (couple hundred), books (even more), old gaming systems (why???), all things that I used to define myself by. I won't be able to bring most of it with me this time
and I'm really OK with that... all I feel I need are my clothes, hoops and staves, instruments, and music. The only reason I even need the Xbox is for Rocksmith which is really helping me re-learn the bass and guitar, but even that will lose its necessity soon.
OK or not, it's still scary
I'll have a decent chunk of change in my pocket, and a very cheap place to live in for at least a year, and for the first time in my life I'll have no debt, no *need* to maintain my type of income. If I had two years in the condo, I would probably be able to live there without working for that whole period of time
and this gives me a new freedom in my life which I've never had before, the freedom to actually do what I want
exhilarating, and terrifying at the same time
........
I've never been paid well at the company that I work, yes the work is interesting and I learn a lot, but comparatively the pay sucks. I got fed up this year, and threatened HR with a pay-me-more-NOW-or-lose-me, still waiting to hear if anything will be done about that or if I'm just going to be ignored again, but even if they give me what I want, bump my pay by 15%, maybe a new title, is that what I really want?.... will it magically make me happy here?
I know that I don't want to be in this building for the next thirty years, doing the same stuff, putting up with the same shit. For a while now, I've had the same thought about my entire industry (engineering by the way). We don't really do anything useful except for making old rich white men richer.
So if they give me what I'm demanding, will I even bother staying?, maybe a few extra months to rack up some more coin, but that means missing my summer, and the thought of having a summer off, oh my, what a wonderful thought....
am I just going to walk away?, from here, from the entire industry?, flush my degree down the toilet?
do I have the strength to do it, and actually go after something I want?
but what do I want?
that's always a tricky one....
.......
People ask me why do I want to leave the industry.
At the root of it, I don't feel like I'm doing anything useful or meaningful with my life, and as I age, this is becoming more and more important. Sometimes I get that satisfaction that I crave by helping others deal with issues, by putting on my healer mantle, listening to people in need, guiding them to new possibilities, new perceptions of their situation, but the next day I'm back in a cubicle farm, feeling stifled, feeling held back.
I never look forward to going to work.... ever.... and that sucks.... getting up each day to go in is a chore.... I skip out early often out of sheer boredom or frustration..... which means that I have to make up hours on the weekend which just means that I spend less of my time doing what I want. I'm not motivated enough to even do my eight hours, and as a punishment I have to force that same motivation on days when I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, which makes everything even shittier.
Ugh.....
.......
If I become a therapist, or social worker, or whatever, will I be able to easily get up in the morning looking forward to doing what I'm being paid to do?. That is a huge question that is on my mind.
If I jump in with both feet, will it be worth it in the long run?, or will I end up in the same place that I am now?, always bored, looking for something new, looking for a distraction....
Is the problem really what I do?, or is it this environment that I've been stagnating in for thirteen years? (not like the company I worked at as an intern during University was any better), or is it my perception of things?.
Every now and then I do enjoy my work, and I leave the building feeling satisfied, but it's always due to overcoming some huge obstacle, fixing some nefarious bug that has been causing us problems. It makes me feel like I've spent my time productively.... am I chasing a pipe dream wanting that feeling every day?.... am I being greedy?
but even the day after that I have a good day, I still don't want to get up. The only time that I feel driven for an extended period of time is when I'm in the field, because out there *everything* that I do is useful, is appreciated, and of course, being and working somewhere strange is one hell of a distraction.... but after a couple weeks of being out there, it starts to lose its magic, lose its appeal, and I just long to leave....
I'm very worried that after a few weeks of being a therapist I'll start to feel the same way.... after dumping my old life, my old degree, my old home.... sure I could get back into the engineering game, but finding a good job in this world as a trans woman?.... not really looking forward to trying that
......
I tell myself that I had the same fears when I decided to transition, and this type of life change that I'm contemplating now is just as big of a transition. I was scared that Dawn would be just as miserable as he was, that I would come to the conclusion that changing genders wasn't what I actually needed....
thankfully, in that regard, I have nothing to regret.... a scary plunge for sure, but one that I know was the right thing to do....
and I'm one of those people that isn't 100% sure of anything at all, this is probably the only decision that I've made in my life which I have no doubt about....
fear is holding me back here, lack of that constant paycheck, loss of private medical insurance, but its not like I'll be destitute or anything, just I'll have to be careful, and not sit there and let life go by, I need to get up and go after something, anything, either becoming a therapist, or upping my skills and knowledge in the game that I'm already in.... something else I've never really done, which is going to make finding a new engineering job for this trans woman even tougher
I'll need a job at one point
.......
What to do..... ?
......
What do I want?
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