Another ending, another fork

I fell in love with you because you treated me like gold, except when you weren't being distant and grouchy, which I now understand was you avoiding talking about things we should have been talking about.

I wish you hadn't shown me your family and travel albums so early, and let me into your private life so easily. That you hadn't shown me your childhood video's the day after you supposedly wanted to pull the reins on everything. I wish you had never mentioned taking me to Argentina one day, which you said less than a month after we had been seeing each other. That you hadn't told me I was being silly for asking if I could spend the night, that I should assume I'm always welcome. That you hadn't shown how caring and observant you were by getting me that yoga mat. That you hadn't kept saying that it sucked that we were so far apart because you wanted to see me all the time. That you hadn't given me your keys, christ I wish you had never done that so early, that's a huge step in any relationship and we obviously weren't ready for it. That you hadn't become so affectionate with your text messages at random times, you have no idea how much those lifted my heart, and when you disappeared and ignored my messages, how much it confused and hurt me. I wish that after I told you that i was in love with you that you were honest with me about how you felt, or at least not made love to me for three fucking hours while telling me how lucky and happy you felt to be with me while you were inside me. I wish you hadn't taken me to incredibly expensive restaurants. I wish you hadn't gotten me the absolute perfect Valentine's gift, all the while you were thinking of ending it, ending us.

I wish you had said "Dawn, I need time to think about everything, lets talk or lets take a weekend off OK?".... funny thing is I wasn't even going to see you this weekend, too busy.

To me, these are actions of someone who loves me, maybe not yet fully, maybe they don't know it yet, but this is love in action. I learned a long time ago not to pay too much attention to words but to listen to actions, and that is what you were telling me.

In the beginning I tried to never assume anything, that we were a full couple, that I was always welcome, that you wouldn't be there to miss me when I go on a business trip, and each time I voiced it you told me to stop being silly. If you were never sure, why lead me on?

When I told you I loved you, I knew this was soon for you, I knew you were still scared of me being nothing more than a rebound for you, but I was so completely OK, more than OK, I was happy, more happy than you realize at the way you responded to me, I was never expecting a giant "I love you too" back from you. I knew you weren't there yet, but I couldn't hold it in any more, I was getting sick from ignoring the way I felt, and I needed you to know, that's how I am, I can't hold things in, because every time I have in my life I have regretted it. I'm having a really hard time not blaming myself for the way this turned out, that I should have waited, that I should have backed off, but how could I?, how could I with the relationship that we had built together.

How could I not fall in love with you?

I'm further along the healing path than you are, and yes, I know what I want, or at least right now I think I do but for me, that's good enough, the only way to really find out if what you want is true is by living it, and doing it, and that's what I was doing. I love the routine, especially that what we had wasn't really a standard boring couples routine, hell, we only saw each other once or twice a week. We did our own thing, had our own interests, as well as our shared interests, we never got in each others way when one of us wanted to pursue our own things, or see our own friends, we never made each other feel guilty or less than for wanting to do things without our partner, those are the evil parts of routine, and I've lived them all, and I'll never live them again, and with you, those evil parts simply weren't an issue. But if you're going to be with someone long term, living with someone, etc, how can there not be a modicum of routine?, and since there will be, shouldn't it be comfortable and loving?

Out of all the decisions you could have made, I can't understand the one you chose, unless you're simply lying to me about having been as into me as you said and you've just been acting like you have been.... but I don't think you're that good of an actor, and I think I read you well..... I just don't always listen to what I read, yes, my head was in the clouds. I've never experienced a relationship like I did with you.

I wish you had had the balls to actually talk to me before you let it get to this point for you. You've broken my heart regardless, it would have been less if this was discussed earlier, and maybe something could have been salvaged.

I miss you, and for the time being, I still love you.

But I'll heal, and like I always do, I'll move on.

Chasers

In our world, and by that I mean the world, the reality, that trans people live within, there is a group of people called "chasers".... or "tranny chasers" if you want to be crude about it. Predominantly men (at least in my experience), who are attracted to pretty much only trans women, for whatever reasons they may have.

Now, the vast majority (again, in my experience) are fetishistic about us. They aren't interested in actually dating us, they don't want to take us home to meet their parents, they aren't willing to hold our hands while we walk through the city in broad daylight. They hang around tranny bars, eye-ing us as we chat with our friends, then try to awkwardly, and creepily, hit on us, hoping for a quick fuck.

And in all honesty, it grosses me out.

It makes me think of guys who are into *really* big women, they lust after them, want to fuck them, but they don't dare tell anyone about it. Their friends point and laugh at a fat chick and they go along with it, to appear normal, to appear like they are just like everyone else, but when they get home, or are lying in bed jerking off late at night, all they can think of is a great big woman with them. They fuck them in secret, then feel guilty about it, hate themselves. It's a closet like any other when you're attracted to a type of person that society deems "wrong" or "ugly" or "unfavorable"

And us trans women fit the same bill unfortunately for much of society.

So that's the majority of chasers, closeted men, ashamed of their desires, ashamed of what they are attracted to, not able to be honest about what they want... so when I meet someone who actually *is* open about their wants, who is confident enough to be with a woman like me openly and honestly, why does it still turn me off?

In a recent facebook post I briefly talked about this, my statement was that yes I happen to be a trans woman, but I don't want someone being attracted to me simply for that. I want them them to be attracted to me and not care about my trans status. A guy who is an open and honest chaser replied how is that different than someone being attracted to someone for their strength, or their intelligence, or their joie-de-vivre.

He did have a point, or at least I thought so at the time, I've let this whole thing stew in my head for a bit before sitting down to write it out.

Here's the way I look at it. Strength is a desirable aspect, because a person could just as easily be weak. Intelligence is a desirable aspect because a person could just as easily be an idiot. Being trans shouldn't be a desirable aspect because.... well.... it just is, its not an aspect of who the person is, it is simply what the person is. I could be a strong trans person or a weak trans person, a smart one or a stupid one, a happy one or a depressed one, but in all possibilities I am still trans.

Another parallel could be being only attracted to Asian woman, or Black women, you're not primarily attracted to *who* they are, but instead, *what* they are. I see traits such as strength, intelligence, positivity, as who someone is, not what someone is. When the *what* takes precedence over the *who*, that's where I begin to have a problem with the whole thing.

Someone I know and care for deeply used to be a very very big dude, he was happily married to a man for a good number of years, but at one point the big dude simply had to lose the weight, or die. Pretty cut and dry. He did it, worked hard, took care of himself, and dropped half of his body weight in a remarkably short period of time, and what happens?, his husband leaves him, he couldn't find him attractive anymore as a thin guy and couldn't stay married to him. As if *what* he was was more important than *who* he was. And that seriously pisses me off.

What if I ended up with an open and honest chaser, then did the surgery, then went stealth, would they no longer see me as a transsexual thus destroying their own fetishistic attraction to me?. 

If someone finds me attractive and wants to be with me, it has to be for who I am, not what I am. I don't want to be seen as an object, I want to be seen as a person who that person admires and respects. The fact that my history is a little different than most women, and that my body may be a little different than most women, well, I don't want that to matter. Our bodies all change over time, maybe I'll get bottom surgery one day, although right now I have zero interest in it, and if I do, I want the person who is with me to not care one way or another, and only care about the way that I feel about myself.

I want someone to date me, the woman, Dawn.... not Dawn the transsexual.... Dawn the chick "with a little extra"... just Dawn. Strong, intelligent, anxious, paranoid, obsessive, impulsive, creative, competitive, nerdy, fire spinning crazy woman that I am. I'm not a fetish, I'm a person.

and so far, so good

Cyclical Meanderings.......... part 4

A word caught inside my throat, spinning in my mind, sneaking out here and there

Unknown if it is caught, heard, noticed

......a feeling......

familiar, yet..... new in many ways

so many new feelings, experiences, some built on the old, some.... not

I can't always tell when a need is true, or manufactured.... part of truth.... or part of old expectations

why?

does the word want to appear due to insecurity?, due to wanting that illusion of control... no.... not control.... guarantee?, even though we all know nothing is guaranteed

I enjoy each day, each moment, as it should be

each moment is the only real thing there is in reality.... the past is history and the future is a mystery as they say

no matter the words said, the promises exchanged, it carries no guarantee, no certainty, those are all illusions, dreams, hopes to stay in the now, the now that is so beautiful

my now has changed so much in the past year, my certainties, the promises, the should-have-beens, all dashed against the rocks

so does it make sense for the word to surface?.... I know what is real right now, what will it do?.... I feel that word in every interaction, yet speaking it..... oh lord.... what will it bring with it?

yet it does surface, and it shall continue to do so

.... and once it is said..... which it eventually will be....

what will happen then?

but of course now, I am looking to a future I want, and again, how many of my wants are true, and how many are borne out of fear and a need to hold on to the now?, or even to recreate the path that I had struggled for for so long.... it's said that life is what happens while plans are being made and worked towards

I know how destructive living for the future can be.... been there, done that, doesn't work

but the word.....

oh...... wait.....

perhaps.....

just perhaps..... it doesn't need to carry anything more than the feeling that is the now. The now is the only real truth after all

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, so if in the now, the word is true, then why not share it aside from the obvious fear that it will change the now, confuse the now, yet it is part of the now, in every touch, every look, every message

is it real

and I'm holding it in.... I should know better by now not to hold things in

Synchronicity.... part 2

He walked by me, my tree, my friends and my hoops countless times, yet we didn't know

I spent the summer in his neighborhood, we must have seen each other, yet at the time, two strangers, not knowing the other existed, not knowing what was in store

---------------------
He wasn't available

I was wounded and bleeding
---------------------

the fates said no

---------------------

We remained strangers

---------------------

time passed, the fates, waited

---------------------

A stranger moves to the city, our city, not the city where I was raised, and not the city where he was born, but our city nonetheless

---------------------
He was available

I was healing
---------------------

the fates raised an eyebrow and took note

---------------------

She met us both individually, with an idea for each, an idea that bore no fruit, rolls of the dice, snake eyes

yet

she saw something

she felt something

she said something

the gears were set, events were put in motion

---------------------

the fates smiled and raised a hand

---------------------

the clock struck midnight on my thirty fifth year of life

contact was made

a meeting

then silence

---------------------

the fates giggled, toyed, grinned, and cast the dice

---------------------

a click

a message

a meeting

a connection

a kiss

an adventure

begins

---------------------

the dice crash to the floor and the fates cover the pips

and laugh

---------------------

the clock strikes midnight on the year

Synchronicity

2013.... thank you

It's been one hell of a year, probably the biggest in my 36 years on this little blue marble we all call home.

I've managed to make it through in one piece, but without the people who have supported me, challenged me, loved me, even hated me and forced me to reexamine myself, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've been struggling with some pretty scary thoughts over the past few years, thoughts I don't really want to get into, because I don't want to scare anyone, but suffice it to say, they have passed.

I've fought, cried, lashed out in anger, explored, cried (yes it needs repeating), died time and time again, dreamed, hoped, lost and loved and lost again, plodded through the darkness, and held on to the light.

I've allowed myself to open up, live my truth, be the person I always claimed to be, the person that others have always seen in me yet I never had the courage to believe them.

Once I allowed myself to truly believe, to have faith, not in some mystical sky fairy, but true faith, which can only be in yourself, my life, finally, truly began.

But without all of you, I would still be a shell of a man, a sad and broken creature, you've all made this possible. Yes it was my fight, but no one, no one at all can make it in this crazy life without others, be they strong and true friends, or random strangers who happen to throw a droplet of love your way.

Following is a list, a wall of names, some real, some pseudonyms.

I love you, and thank you all.

Andra, Andre, Audre, Billie, Brynn, Carina, Carlos, Caroline, Cass, Cid, Chuck, Christina, Danny, Davey, David, Dawn, Denyse, Derek, Doanna, Eric, Em, Ejaz, Eve, Francis, Gab, Gabby, Gen, Gianni, Hada, Indy, Jasmine, Jeff, Jem, Jen, Jenn, JJ, Joe, Juli, Laurence, Kahlan, KittyKat, Linda, Lisa, Luis, Marie-Eve, Mark #1, Mark #2, Marty, Masha, Manifesting Magic, Mariusz, May, Michael, Michel, Myron, nameless guitar man, Natalie, Nicole, Nina, Obsidian Kingdom, Open Mind, Patty, Paul, Rachel, Rainbow, Ray, Richard (english version), Richard (french version), Ricky, Robert, Samira, Santosh, Shirley, Stephanie, Sophie #1, Sophie #2, Suhail, Susan, Suzel, The Doctor, Therese, Tina, Twyla, Vincent

as well as every nameless person who treated me well, smiled instead of scorned, accepted, opened their minds and their hearts

and last, but definitely not least, my old family and Becca.....

and... of course..... Phil

I raise a glass to all of you, to the world, and to this devastating, yet wonderful year

Here's to 2014

peace

Dawn

Synchronicity

Life has a way of handing you things when you need them. Life also has a way of handing you shit when you don't need it at all, almost like a temptation to keep fucking yourself over.

In my experience, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, especially the people who are supposed to be safe people for you, the better things become, and suddenly life can start handing you gifts. When you continue to repress who you are, you end up with people around you who aid in that repression, who, while appearing to be your friends, act as barriers towards your evolution.

I had a family for the past ten years that I thought loved me, and in a way they did, but they only loved the person they needed me to be, the angry, sullen, boy. I lied about who I was, which was my fault, but once the veil was lifted they demanded that those lies continue, but I wasn't able to hold them in anymore. They could not accept my happiness, my truth.

For a long time I thought losing them was punishment, but as difficult as it is, and as difficult as it continues to sometimes be (that fucking kitchen window) I have accepted that as much as it hurt and tore at me, it was a blessing. I could not have flourished while under their watchful, demanding, controlling, humiliating, conformist eyes. Even now I know that members in their family lie daily, trying to be OK, trying to show everyone that they are the same as they always were, that they are just the same as the rest, and they suffer for it, and unless they break those chains, they will continue suffering, their lies become them.

But as you become honest with yourself, and you start to show people your truth, life can reward you. You find yourself surrounded by people who encourage you to be you, who refuse to hold you back, and who will listen to your soul crying out in confusion and agony, and not judge you for it. They may not know or understand your specific needs, but they will do whatever they can to hold you through your storm, and try to give you everything they can, and if you start to once again evolve, and change, they will celebrate those changes, and not believe that it has anything to do with them. They will be your roots, your strength as you forge your new path, as you actually, for perhaps the first time ever, begin to live your life for you. Not for your family, or your religion, or your culture, or your boss, or your partner, or your children, but for you. Whoever you happen to be.

I recently got over an addiction that I have been ... enjoying?.... maybe not the right word, but it was fun for a long time.... anyway.... it's one that I have been dealing with for ten years now. In a surge of clarity, a couple of weeks ago now, I was done. Today I sat down to read the lyrics of an album of a group I recently discovered, and found that the words mirrored so many of the struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, including that addiction. It was my story, if I had read this a month ago, it *could* have been my story, but now, it actually is. It was a gift to me, to see my struggles mirrored in another, and from the way that the album culminates, I have hope that the one(s) who wrote this have succeeded as well in their journeys. Discovering this, at this moment, is a gift.

Synchronicity.

I've always loved to write, as I'm sure some readers can tell, yet it has always been a personal thing for me (yes I know blogs are public, but its not like I'm writing a column in the newspaper or anything). I've longed to write for a public audience, but always had fear that I wouldn't be good enough, my words wouldn't be "correct", and out of the blue I meet a man who gives me an opportunity to actually write so that people can read my words, just hands it to me on a silver platter, he wants me to share my views and experiences, and instead of being afraid of not being good enough, or him not liking my writing (even though he said he was blown away by my blog), I grabbed it, and I'm going to keep on it, I'm going to do this. Why did I meet this man now?, what made him contact me out of the blue at this exact time?, I'll never know, but I like to think that it's because I'm at a place where I can actually handle this challenge.

Synchronicity.

At the end of a tough day, which came at the end of a tough week, which came at the end of a tough month or three, when I had finally had enough of feeling that things were against me, I receive a completely random gift in my mailbox. A handwritten, personalized, thank you note, from an up-and-coming group in Europe that I have been following for a number of months now, just to thank me for writing such a glowing review of their work. Such a simple act can make the world a brighter place, can be a light in the darkness for someone. As always, the timing was superb. Another event, a message on a dating site, from someone who lives thousands of miles away, just to say "damn girl, you really seem like you're doing it right and I needed to tell you that, you seem like an awesome person", he would gain nothing from sending this message, and due to our geographical differences it's not like he's going to get a thank-you-screw out of it, but he did it, again, at the right time. A gift, a truly random gift.

Synchronicity.

I've always been a nerd, lets face it, I'm a huge bloody geek (D&D, M:TG, Doctor Who, BUFFY!!!!, Firefly!!!!, video games!, sorry, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings still both suck) and yet I never let that show in me, I kept it hidden from everyone who didn't know me well, and I'd try not to hang around with too many other nerds, I didn't want people seeing that, I didn't want to be judged, or seen as lesser than. I got over myself, and suddenly realized that I reallllllly like nerdy guys, and I'm going to be so proud walking hand in hand with one one day (hopefully soon....). No shame, no guilt, one of the greatest things about us nerds is that the strong ones aren't afraid to be seen different, aren't afraid of being our wonderful nerdy selves. And as luck would have it, I met a couple of them, and they're amazing, and I'm so proud of their nerdyness, and I can't wait to see one in particular again..... If I had met them even six months ago, I would have been afraid to even talk about them, like the person I want to be with isn't good enough in societies eyes, is too different, is too weird, but now?, oh lord do I love their strength, and find it mirrored in myself and I want to soak myself in it.

Synchronicity.

Live life honestly, and only you know if you're actually being honest or not, and yes, being honest with one's self is one of the most difficult things that one person can do, but I promise, if you do, you'll be rewarded, in so many ways. You probably don't even realize what is actually possible, I know I didn't.

Peace

Dawn

dreams

I dreamed about you last night, first time in a long time that happened.

I was me, not him, and you looked at me.

you saw me, something you haven't done in months.

and I saw you, and you were beautiful as you've always been, and always will be

I got to spend time with my old family, see the children and hold them, watch them play, spend time with my old brother, hold my old sister in my arms, my old parents smiling

as it was a dream, events were muddled, as is standard. I kissed someone, a woman, not you, but a memory of you, an image, an avatar

I got to see you laugh, and smile.... I hope you still do these days.... I hope the days are brighter for you

stuck in memories today, the beach, the white dress, the gatherings, your laugh

sometimes I wish we could go back, even though I know the same thing would happen at one point, I was inevitable.... useless fantasies... grasping at illusions

I long to reach out, but I mustn't

I've been here before, I know what needs to be done, what needs to continue happening.... sometimes though.... I want to break the rules

something I'm quite used to doing.... breaking the rules

I play guitar and think of us, I play our song, no one knows that it is such, but I consider it to be, and I play it well, and remember, and suffer, and try to detach while a part of me still holds on, and wonders

the view from the kitchen window never changes

I need to change the window

I need to leave

I've rebooted in so many ways, but not all

I'll always miss you