A word caught inside my throat, spinning in my mind, sneaking out here and there
Unknown if it is caught, heard, noticed
......a feeling......
familiar, yet..... new in many ways
so many new feelings, experiences, some built on the old, some.... not
I can't always tell when a need is true, or manufactured.... part of truth.... or part of old expectations
why?
does the word want to appear due to insecurity?, due to wanting that illusion of control... no.... not control.... guarantee?, even though we all know nothing is guaranteed
I enjoy each day, each moment, as it should be
each moment is the only real thing there is in reality.... the past is history and the future is a mystery as they say
no matter the words said, the promises exchanged, it carries no guarantee, no certainty, those are all illusions, dreams, hopes to stay in the now, the now that is so beautiful
my now has changed so much in the past year, my certainties, the promises, the should-have-beens, all dashed against the rocks
so does it make sense for the word to surface?.... I know what is real right now, what will it do?.... I feel that word in every interaction, yet speaking it..... oh lord.... what will it bring with it?
yet it does surface, and it shall continue to do so
.... and once it is said..... which it eventually will be....
what will happen then?
but of course now, I am looking to a future I want, and again, how many of my wants are true, and how many are borne out of fear and a need to hold on to the now?, or even to recreate the path that I had struggled for for so long.... it's said that life is what happens while plans are being made and worked towards
I know how destructive living for the future can be.... been there, done that, doesn't work
but the word.....
oh...... wait.....
perhaps.....
just perhaps..... it doesn't need to carry anything more than the feeling that is the now. The now is the only real truth after all
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, so if in the now, the word is true, then why not share it aside from the obvious fear that it will change the now, confuse the now, yet it is part of the now, in every touch, every look, every message
is it real
and I'm holding it in.... I should know better by now not to hold things in
Monday, 3 February 2014
Monday, 6 January 2014
Synchronicity.... part 2
He walked by me, my tree, my friends and my hoops countless times, yet we didn't know
I spent the summer in his neighborhood, we must have seen each other, yet at the time, two strangers, not knowing the other existed, not knowing what was in store
---------------------
He wasn't available
I was wounded and bleeding
---------------------
the fates said no
---------------------
We remained strangers
---------------------
time passed, the fates, waited
---------------------
A stranger moves to the city, our city, not the city where I was raised, and not the city where he was born, but our city nonetheless
---------------------
He was available
I was healing
---------------------
the fates raised an eyebrow and took note
---------------------
She met us both individually, with an idea for each, an idea that bore no fruit, rolls of the dice, snake eyes
yet
she saw something
she felt something
she said something
the gears were set, events were put in motion
---------------------
the fates smiled and raised a hand
---------------------
the clock struck midnight on my thirty fifth year of life
contact was made
a meeting
then silence
---------------------
the fates giggled, toyed, grinned, and cast the dice
---------------------
a click
a message
a meeting
a connection
a kiss
an adventure
begins
---------------------
the dice crash to the floor and the fates cover the pips
and laugh
---------------------
the clock strikes midnight on the year
Synchronicity
I spent the summer in his neighborhood, we must have seen each other, yet at the time, two strangers, not knowing the other existed, not knowing what was in store
---------------------
He wasn't available
I was wounded and bleeding
---------------------
the fates said no
---------------------
We remained strangers
---------------------
time passed, the fates, waited
---------------------
A stranger moves to the city, our city, not the city where I was raised, and not the city where he was born, but our city nonetheless
---------------------
He was available
I was healing
---------------------
the fates raised an eyebrow and took note
---------------------
She met us both individually, with an idea for each, an idea that bore no fruit, rolls of the dice, snake eyes
yet
she saw something
she felt something
she said something
the gears were set, events were put in motion
---------------------
the fates smiled and raised a hand
---------------------
the clock struck midnight on my thirty fifth year of life
contact was made
a meeting
then silence
---------------------
the fates giggled, toyed, grinned, and cast the dice
---------------------
a click
a message
a meeting
a connection
a kiss
an adventure
begins
---------------------
the dice crash to the floor and the fates cover the pips
and laugh
---------------------
the clock strikes midnight on the year
Synchronicity
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
2013.... thank you
It's been one hell of a year, probably the biggest in my 36 years on this little blue marble we all call home.
I've managed to make it through in one piece, but without the people who have supported me, challenged me, loved me, even hated me and forced me to reexamine myself, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've been struggling with some pretty scary thoughts over the past few years, thoughts I don't really want to get into, because I don't want to scare anyone, but suffice it to say, they have passed.
I've fought, cried, lashed out in anger, explored, cried (yes it needs repeating), died time and time again, dreamed, hoped, lost and loved and lost again, plodded through the darkness, and held on to the light.
I've allowed myself to open up, live my truth, be the person I always claimed to be, the person that others have always seen in me yet I never had the courage to believe them.
Once I allowed myself to truly believe, to have faith, not in some mystical sky fairy, but true faith, which can only be in yourself, my life, finally, truly began.
But without all of you, I would still be a shell of a man, a sad and broken creature, you've all made this possible. Yes it was my fight, but no one, no one at all can make it in this crazy life without others, be they strong and true friends, or random strangers who happen to throw a droplet of love your way.
Following is a list, a wall of names, some real, some pseudonyms.
I love you, and thank you all.
Andra, Andre, Audre, Billie, Brynn, Carina, Carlos, Caroline, Cass, Cid, Chuck, Christina, Danny, Davey, David, Dawn, Denyse, Derek, Doanna, Eric, Em, Ejaz, Eve, Francis, Gab, Gabby, Gen, Gianni, Hada, Indy, Jasmine, Jeff, Jem, Jen, Jenn, JJ, Joe, Juli, Laurence, Kahlan, KittyKat, Linda, Lisa, Luis, Marie-Eve, Mark #1, Mark #2, Marty, Masha, Manifesting Magic, Mariusz, May, Michael, Michel, Myron, nameless guitar man, Natalie, Nicole, Nina, Obsidian Kingdom, Open Mind, Patty, Paul, Rachel, Rainbow, Ray, Richard (english version), Richard (french version), Ricky, Robert, Samira, Santosh, Shirley, Stephanie, Sophie #1, Sophie #2, Suhail, Susan, Suzel, The Doctor, Therese, Tina, Twyla, Vincent
as well as every nameless person who treated me well, smiled instead of scorned, accepted, opened their minds and their hearts
and last, but definitely not least, my old family and Becca.....
and... of course..... Phil
I raise a glass to all of you, to the world, and to this devastating, yet wonderful year
Here's to 2014
peace
Dawn
I've managed to make it through in one piece, but without the people who have supported me, challenged me, loved me, even hated me and forced me to reexamine myself, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've been struggling with some pretty scary thoughts over the past few years, thoughts I don't really want to get into, because I don't want to scare anyone, but suffice it to say, they have passed.
I've fought, cried, lashed out in anger, explored, cried (yes it needs repeating), died time and time again, dreamed, hoped, lost and loved and lost again, plodded through the darkness, and held on to the light.
I've allowed myself to open up, live my truth, be the person I always claimed to be, the person that others have always seen in me yet I never had the courage to believe them.
Once I allowed myself to truly believe, to have faith, not in some mystical sky fairy, but true faith, which can only be in yourself, my life, finally, truly began.
But without all of you, I would still be a shell of a man, a sad and broken creature, you've all made this possible. Yes it was my fight, but no one, no one at all can make it in this crazy life without others, be they strong and true friends, or random strangers who happen to throw a droplet of love your way.
Following is a list, a wall of names, some real, some pseudonyms.
I love you, and thank you all.
Andra, Andre, Audre, Billie, Brynn, Carina, Carlos, Caroline, Cass, Cid, Chuck, Christina, Danny, Davey, David, Dawn, Denyse, Derek, Doanna, Eric, Em, Ejaz, Eve, Francis, Gab, Gabby, Gen, Gianni, Hada, Indy, Jasmine, Jeff, Jem, Jen, Jenn, JJ, Joe, Juli, Laurence, Kahlan, KittyKat, Linda, Lisa, Luis, Marie-Eve, Mark #1, Mark #2, Marty, Masha, Manifesting Magic, Mariusz, May, Michael, Michel, Myron, nameless guitar man, Natalie, Nicole, Nina, Obsidian Kingdom, Open Mind, Patty, Paul, Rachel, Rainbow, Ray, Richard (english version), Richard (french version), Ricky, Robert, Samira, Santosh, Shirley, Stephanie, Sophie #1, Sophie #2, Suhail, Susan, Suzel, The Doctor, Therese, Tina, Twyla, Vincent
as well as every nameless person who treated me well, smiled instead of scorned, accepted, opened their minds and their hearts
and last, but definitely not least, my old family and Becca.....
and... of course..... Phil
I raise a glass to all of you, to the world, and to this devastating, yet wonderful year
Here's to 2014
peace
Dawn
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Synchronicity
Life has a way of handing you things when you need them. Life also has a way of handing you shit when you don't need it at all, almost like a temptation to keep fucking yourself over.
In my experience, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, especially the people who are supposed to be safe people for you, the better things become, and suddenly life can start handing you gifts. When you continue to repress who you are, you end up with people around you who aid in that repression, who, while appearing to be your friends, act as barriers towards your evolution.
I had a family for the past ten years that I thought loved me, and in a way they did, but they only loved the person they needed me to be, the angry, sullen, boy. I lied about who I was, which was my fault, but once the veil was lifted they demanded that those lies continue, but I wasn't able to hold them in anymore. They could not accept my happiness, my truth.
For a long time I thought losing them was punishment, but as difficult as it is, and as difficult as it continues to sometimes be (that fucking kitchen window) I have accepted that as much as it hurt and tore at me, it was a blessing. I could not have flourished while under their watchful, demanding, controlling, humiliating, conformist eyes. Even now I know that members in their family lie daily, trying to be OK, trying to show everyone that they are the same as they always were, that they are just the same as the rest, and they suffer for it, and unless they break those chains, they will continue suffering, their lies become them.
But as you become honest with yourself, and you start to show people your truth, life can reward you. You find yourself surrounded by people who encourage you to be you, who refuse to hold you back, and who will listen to your soul crying out in confusion and agony, and not judge you for it. They may not know or understand your specific needs, but they will do whatever they can to hold you through your storm, and try to give you everything they can, and if you start to once again evolve, and change, they will celebrate those changes, and not believe that it has anything to do with them. They will be your roots, your strength as you forge your new path, as you actually, for perhaps the first time ever, begin to live your life for you. Not for your family, or your religion, or your culture, or your boss, or your partner, or your children, but for you. Whoever you happen to be.
I recently got over an addiction that I have been ... enjoying?.... maybe not the right word, but it was fun for a long time.... anyway.... it's one that I have been dealing with for ten years now. In a surge of clarity, a couple of weeks ago now, I was done. Today I sat down to read the lyrics of an album of a group I recently discovered, and found that the words mirrored so many of the struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, including that addiction. It was my story, if I had read this a month ago, it *could* have been my story, but now, it actually is. It was a gift to me, to see my struggles mirrored in another, and from the way that the album culminates, I have hope that the one(s) who wrote this have succeeded as well in their journeys. Discovering this, at this moment, is a gift.
Synchronicity.
I've always loved to write, as I'm sure some readers can tell, yet it has always been a personal thing for me (yes I know blogs are public, but its not like I'm writing a column in the newspaper or anything). I've longed to write for a public audience, but always had fear that I wouldn't be good enough, my words wouldn't be "correct", and out of the blue I meet a man who gives me an opportunity to actually write so that people can read my words, just hands it to me on a silver platter, he wants me to share my views and experiences, and instead of being afraid of not being good enough, or him not liking my writing (even though he said he was blown away by my blog), I grabbed it, and I'm going to keep on it, I'm going to do this. Why did I meet this man now?, what made him contact me out of the blue at this exact time?, I'll never know, but I like to think that it's because I'm at a place where I can actually handle this challenge.
Synchronicity.
At the end of a tough day, which came at the end of a tough week, which came at the end of a tough month or three, when I had finally had enough of feeling that things were against me, I receive a completely random gift in my mailbox. A handwritten, personalized, thank you note, from an up-and-coming group in Europe that I have been following for a number of months now, just to thank me for writing such a glowing review of their work. Such a simple act can make the world a brighter place, can be a light in the darkness for someone. As always, the timing was superb. Another event, a message on a dating site, from someone who lives thousands of miles away, just to say "damn girl, you really seem like you're doing it right and I needed to tell you that, you seem like an awesome person", he would gain nothing from sending this message, and due to our geographical differences it's not like he's going to get a thank-you-screw out of it, but he did it, again, at the right time. A gift, a truly random gift.
Synchronicity.
I've always been a nerd, lets face it, I'm a huge bloody geek (D&D, M:TG, Doctor Who, BUFFY!!!!, Firefly!!!!, video games!, sorry, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings still both suck) and yet I never let that show in me, I kept it hidden from everyone who didn't know me well, and I'd try not to hang around with too many other nerds, I didn't want people seeing that, I didn't want to be judged, or seen as lesser than. I got over myself, and suddenly realized that I reallllllly like nerdy guys, and I'm going to be so proud walking hand in hand with one one day (hopefully soon....). No shame, no guilt, one of the greatest things about us nerds is that the strong ones aren't afraid to be seen different, aren't afraid of being our wonderful nerdy selves. And as luck would have it, I met a couple of them, and they're amazing, and I'm so proud of their nerdyness, and I can't wait to see one in particular again..... If I had met them even six months ago, I would have been afraid to even talk about them, like the person I want to be with isn't good enough in societies eyes, is too different, is too weird, but now?, oh lord do I love their strength, and find it mirrored in myself and I want to soak myself in it.
Synchronicity.
Live life honestly, and only you know if you're actually being honest or not, and yes, being honest with one's self is one of the most difficult things that one person can do, but I promise, if you do, you'll be rewarded, in so many ways. You probably don't even realize what is actually possible, I know I didn't.
Peace
Dawn
In my experience, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, especially the people who are supposed to be safe people for you, the better things become, and suddenly life can start handing you gifts. When you continue to repress who you are, you end up with people around you who aid in that repression, who, while appearing to be your friends, act as barriers towards your evolution.
I had a family for the past ten years that I thought loved me, and in a way they did, but they only loved the person they needed me to be, the angry, sullen, boy. I lied about who I was, which was my fault, but once the veil was lifted they demanded that those lies continue, but I wasn't able to hold them in anymore. They could not accept my happiness, my truth.
For a long time I thought losing them was punishment, but as difficult as it is, and as difficult as it continues to sometimes be (that fucking kitchen window) I have accepted that as much as it hurt and tore at me, it was a blessing. I could not have flourished while under their watchful, demanding, controlling, humiliating, conformist eyes. Even now I know that members in their family lie daily, trying to be OK, trying to show everyone that they are the same as they always were, that they are just the same as the rest, and they suffer for it, and unless they break those chains, they will continue suffering, their lies become them.
But as you become honest with yourself, and you start to show people your truth, life can reward you. You find yourself surrounded by people who encourage you to be you, who refuse to hold you back, and who will listen to your soul crying out in confusion and agony, and not judge you for it. They may not know or understand your specific needs, but they will do whatever they can to hold you through your storm, and try to give you everything they can, and if you start to once again evolve, and change, they will celebrate those changes, and not believe that it has anything to do with them. They will be your roots, your strength as you forge your new path, as you actually, for perhaps the first time ever, begin to live your life for you. Not for your family, or your religion, or your culture, or your boss, or your partner, or your children, but for you. Whoever you happen to be.
I recently got over an addiction that I have been ... enjoying?.... maybe not the right word, but it was fun for a long time.... anyway.... it's one that I have been dealing with for ten years now. In a surge of clarity, a couple of weeks ago now, I was done. Today I sat down to read the lyrics of an album of a group I recently discovered, and found that the words mirrored so many of the struggles that I have been dealing with for a long time, including that addiction. It was my story, if I had read this a month ago, it *could* have been my story, but now, it actually is. It was a gift to me, to see my struggles mirrored in another, and from the way that the album culminates, I have hope that the one(s) who wrote this have succeeded as well in their journeys. Discovering this, at this moment, is a gift.
Synchronicity.
I've always loved to write, as I'm sure some readers can tell, yet it has always been a personal thing for me (yes I know blogs are public, but its not like I'm writing a column in the newspaper or anything). I've longed to write for a public audience, but always had fear that I wouldn't be good enough, my words wouldn't be "correct", and out of the blue I meet a man who gives me an opportunity to actually write so that people can read my words, just hands it to me on a silver platter, he wants me to share my views and experiences, and instead of being afraid of not being good enough, or him not liking my writing (even though he said he was blown away by my blog), I grabbed it, and I'm going to keep on it, I'm going to do this. Why did I meet this man now?, what made him contact me out of the blue at this exact time?, I'll never know, but I like to think that it's because I'm at a place where I can actually handle this challenge.
Synchronicity.
At the end of a tough day, which came at the end of a tough week, which came at the end of a tough month or three, when I had finally had enough of feeling that things were against me, I receive a completely random gift in my mailbox. A handwritten, personalized, thank you note, from an up-and-coming group in Europe that I have been following for a number of months now, just to thank me for writing such a glowing review of their work. Such a simple act can make the world a brighter place, can be a light in the darkness for someone. As always, the timing was superb. Another event, a message on a dating site, from someone who lives thousands of miles away, just to say "damn girl, you really seem like you're doing it right and I needed to tell you that, you seem like an awesome person", he would gain nothing from sending this message, and due to our geographical differences it's not like he's going to get a thank-you-screw out of it, but he did it, again, at the right time. A gift, a truly random gift.
Synchronicity.
I've always been a nerd, lets face it, I'm a huge bloody geek (D&D, M:TG, Doctor Who, BUFFY!!!!, Firefly!!!!, video games!, sorry, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings still both suck) and yet I never let that show in me, I kept it hidden from everyone who didn't know me well, and I'd try not to hang around with too many other nerds, I didn't want people seeing that, I didn't want to be judged, or seen as lesser than. I got over myself, and suddenly realized that I reallllllly like nerdy guys, and I'm going to be so proud walking hand in hand with one one day (hopefully soon....). No shame, no guilt, one of the greatest things about us nerds is that the strong ones aren't afraid to be seen different, aren't afraid of being our wonderful nerdy selves. And as luck would have it, I met a couple of them, and they're amazing, and I'm so proud of their nerdyness, and I can't wait to see one in particular again..... If I had met them even six months ago, I would have been afraid to even talk about them, like the person I want to be with isn't good enough in societies eyes, is too different, is too weird, but now?, oh lord do I love their strength, and find it mirrored in myself and I want to soak myself in it.
Synchronicity.
Live life honestly, and only you know if you're actually being honest or not, and yes, being honest with one's self is one of the most difficult things that one person can do, but I promise, if you do, you'll be rewarded, in so many ways. You probably don't even realize what is actually possible, I know I didn't.
Peace
Dawn
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
dreams
I dreamed about you last night, first time in a long time that happened.
I was me, not him, and you looked at me.
you saw me, something you haven't done in months.
and I saw you, and you were beautiful as you've always been, and always will be
I got to spend time with my old family, see the children and hold them, watch them play, spend time with my old brother, hold my old sister in my arms, my old parents smiling
as it was a dream, events were muddled, as is standard. I kissed someone, a woman, not you, but a memory of you, an image, an avatar
I got to see you laugh, and smile.... I hope you still do these days.... I hope the days are brighter for you
stuck in memories today, the beach, the white dress, the gatherings, your laugh
sometimes I wish we could go back, even though I know the same thing would happen at one point, I was inevitable.... useless fantasies... grasping at illusions
I long to reach out, but I mustn't
I've been here before, I know what needs to be done, what needs to continue happening.... sometimes though.... I want to break the rules
something I'm quite used to doing.... breaking the rules
I play guitar and think of us, I play our song, no one knows that it is such, but I consider it to be, and I play it well, and remember, and suffer, and try to detach while a part of me still holds on, and wonders
the view from the kitchen window never changes
I need to change the window
I need to leave
I've rebooted in so many ways, but not all
I'll always miss you
I was me, not him, and you looked at me.
you saw me, something you haven't done in months.
and I saw you, and you were beautiful as you've always been, and always will be
I got to spend time with my old family, see the children and hold them, watch them play, spend time with my old brother, hold my old sister in my arms, my old parents smiling
as it was a dream, events were muddled, as is standard. I kissed someone, a woman, not you, but a memory of you, an image, an avatar
I got to see you laugh, and smile.... I hope you still do these days.... I hope the days are brighter for you
stuck in memories today, the beach, the white dress, the gatherings, your laugh
sometimes I wish we could go back, even though I know the same thing would happen at one point, I was inevitable.... useless fantasies... grasping at illusions
I long to reach out, but I mustn't
I've been here before, I know what needs to be done, what needs to continue happening.... sometimes though.... I want to break the rules
something I'm quite used to doing.... breaking the rules
I play guitar and think of us, I play our song, no one knows that it is such, but I consider it to be, and I play it well, and remember, and suffer, and try to detach while a part of me still holds on, and wonders
the view from the kitchen window never changes
I need to change the window
I need to leave
I've rebooted in so many ways, but not all
I'll always miss you
Friday, 22 November 2013
changes
I was trying to write a title which made people sing that David Bowie song, Changes.... as in... ch ch ch ch chhaaaanges!
anyways...
One question that I get often from interested folks is, quite simply, what are all the changes that your body and personality have gone through since starting hormones?, how long did they take to occur?, when did I start feeling them?
I remember back when I was searching, questioning, and googling obsessively for any information I could find out "teh trans", that stories like this always got my attention, and I would seek them out, always wondering... what if those amazing things that happened to her could also happen to me?, is it common what they are going through?, what are the chances that it could happen to me as well!?
The day I started hormones was pretty intense, not only due to the new drugs in my system, after all, after an hour its not like anything had changed internally, but simply because of the emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time due to my ex's feelings about it all. Even with all of that craziness though, I noticed changes almost immediately. How could you know that the changes were due to the hormones you may ask?. On day one, they were probably psychological, sure... the calm that I felt in my soul, even with things imploding around me, that couldn't have been a physical reaction to the drugs, it was just my psyche finally relaxing, knowing that the journey has actually started. We almost all experience a new sense of calm from almost the moment that we start.
But the second day, I got home and Becca wasn't there yet, and I actually felt in a pretty good mood, so I went down to play some drums on RockBand. I banged on those damn things for a good hour, demolishing most of my high scores, and I realized only once I was too tired to continue (plus, Becca had gotten home by then), that I had not lost my cool once during the whole session. People who know me know how I can get with video games, especially those that I consider myself damn good at.... I get *mad* when I screw up... or I should say... I used to get mad when I screwed up. But during that whole hour, I didn't curse once, didn't get frustrated and slam the sticks on the pads once, I was calm. Again, hormones?, lack of testosterone?, a mental well being that I hadn't felt in who-knows-how-long?, I'll never really know.
The weird stuff started happening on day 2. I recall noticing that morning in the shower that I didn't have the mess of lost hair that I usually do after washing it, my hair had stopped breaking off... neat. That evening while eating dinner with Becca, I recall munching on my salad marveling at a new and interesting flavour that I had never tasted before.... I commented on it to her, I described the flavour, she looked at me and said "that's arugula... you hate that stuff", but all of a sudden, it was downright yummy. I noticed that weekend that I also found green and red peppers delicious, something I had hated my entire life. I had never heard of hormones changing ones taste buds before, but there you have it!, I even enjoy coriander now believe it or not.
Cooked fish still tastes like shit though.... sorry....
On day 3, I didn't wash, Becca and I spent that whole Saturday talking, crying, pleading, explaining, dealing.... and sometime in the afternoon, in the middle of some discussion, I ran my hands though my hair (as I continuously do) and realized that it wasn't greasy. I realized that I didn't stink (those who knew me in my previous life knew what a greasy mofo I was, ugh), my skin was smooth, my scalp was smooth, my hair was soft, my skin was softer than it had ever been before. This wasn't all in my mind either, Becca agreed once I brought it up and she checked for herself.
People are still shocked at the softness and smoothness of my skin, sure *he* was never rugged, but he never had skin like this either.
The next changes that I realized were again psychological, I could sleep. Life going to hell in a handbasket, but I could sleep. I've ground my teeth twice since I started my transition... and prior to that I'd wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth at least twice a week for most of my life. I could also get up in the morning without fighting my self to do so, the depression was fading (never quite left, but so much more manageable now).
Speaking of sleeping, I do have to get up more often to pee now.... yes, a woman's bladder is smaller than a man's, and that, as with most things, is controlled by hormones. My frakin bladder has shrunk....
It's impossible to say when each step occurred, these things don't just happen overnight, you just notice it at one point. A few weeks in, my chest started to hurt, I'd feel pressure, sensitivity, the feeling of something moving under my nipples, the sensation of things popping and bursting under there. It didn't last long, and it took a few months until things started happening visually, but I felt the work starting very early.
I never noticed my curves changing, but I'm the same weight I was when I started, yet I've gone from an L/XL, size 11 to 13, down to a medium, wearing sizes 7/9. My bust has gone from a 38 to a 36 (bloody godsend that, because 38A doesn't exist!), and I look better in my skinny jeans than I ever have. Weird thing is I have a good friend taking my measurements every couple of months, and the raw numbers have barely changed.... yet I see the changes in my wardrobe.... go figure. Oh, and I look fucking killer in a bikini, so that is pretty awesome.
The next big difference I noticed was strength, and I started being bothered by it after about a month, month and a half. First time I noticed this was getting kitty litter. It's an 18kg box, and I was used to just grabbing it with one hand and lugging it into the house.... but no.... no more of that. I need to stand in front of the damn thing now, use both hands, and lift with my legs to make sure I don't hurt anything.... and I'm in the best shape of my life. Go figure...
At around the 3 or 4 month mark, I recall looking at myself in the mirror and being shocked by the changes. This is around the time I wrote the post saying sorry to the old me. My face has been shifting, almost imperceptibly, but when you look at a picture of the old me with the new me right next to him, it's quite different.... the same.... yet different. It doesn't take much to make a face look different, half a millimeter here, a tiny shift there, and it can soften your entire look. Impossible to say where the changes have occurred, but clear that they have.
At around that time as well my breasts really started to feel pain, as though I had a golf ball under each nipple covered in broken glass. I still sleep on my stomach, but I tuck my arms under me to reduce the pressure on my chest. Now, at eight months in, I have actual little breasts, the feeling, the shape, the way they move slightly out of sync with the rest of my body, the feeling is surreal.
so, what have we covered... hair, smells, tastes, skin, strength, boobs, curves, face..... ok.... just one thing left to discuss.
for those who really don't need to know this.... you can skip the next two paragraphs
to all the rest of you...
For people who have never owned and operated a penis, a little lesson which will assist in illustrating. The damn things really do have a mind of their own, a man really can't control what its going to do as he goes about its day, it will shift, swell, move around (no, not that literally) as the blood rushes in and drains from it a gazillion times a day. I no longer have to deal with any of that, the T blockers have essentially removed its brain (ooh, good analogy, just came up with that). I am now in complete control of it, if I need to use it, I still can, just takes longer, and for someone like me, that's pretty fucking awesome. I don't have to worry about a bulge suddenly occurring under a tight skirt, I can even get away with wearing a bikini bottom with a bit of inventive placement, essentially, I don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore, it's just... there.
Other changes have occurred to it as well, you shrink in size, you can't get 100% hard (maybe around 75 I'd guess at), the "boys" will eventually disappear for the most part as you lose about 50% of size per year, and I'm following what is normal for all of that. The sensitivity I've lost down there, while a touch worrying at first, has been replaced with an enourmous gain in sensitivity throughout the rest of my body, and once I started to realize that, and start to explore my new system, I found that this way is wwaaaaayyyy better (at least for me!). My whole body has become an erogenous zone, not just the obvious parts, breasts, neck, thighs, but everything... My brain has accepted the nervous rewiring very well, I've found new ways of receiving pleasure, I can have what I consider to be a "female" orgasm now, in that it is my whole body reacting as if its riding a wave, it isn't a kaboom-done cutoff point like ejaculating always was for me as a man (oh, ok, I'm done now, time for a sandwich!). The first man I was with post hormones was sweet enough to hold me as my body shook for (what felt like) twenty minutes after we were together, I had never experienced anything like that before, yet in a way, I had, but from his point of view. I've lay there in bed holding a quivering woman against me as she let her system relax after a mind shattering orgasm... and now it was me in that position.... beautiful, surprising, and amazing.
so... T.M.I.?.... seriously, if you've been reading my words up to this point, you really shouldn't be surprised.
so there you have it, I think I covered it all, probably forgot something as is standard for me, but yup. Only 8 months under my belt, can't wait to see what the next year brings (c'mon B cups!!!!!, w00t!!!)
thanks for listening
anyways...
One question that I get often from interested folks is, quite simply, what are all the changes that your body and personality have gone through since starting hormones?, how long did they take to occur?, when did I start feeling them?
I remember back when I was searching, questioning, and googling obsessively for any information I could find out "teh trans", that stories like this always got my attention, and I would seek them out, always wondering... what if those amazing things that happened to her could also happen to me?, is it common what they are going through?, what are the chances that it could happen to me as well!?
The day I started hormones was pretty intense, not only due to the new drugs in my system, after all, after an hour its not like anything had changed internally, but simply because of the emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time due to my ex's feelings about it all. Even with all of that craziness though, I noticed changes almost immediately. How could you know that the changes were due to the hormones you may ask?. On day one, they were probably psychological, sure... the calm that I felt in my soul, even with things imploding around me, that couldn't have been a physical reaction to the drugs, it was just my psyche finally relaxing, knowing that the journey has actually started. We almost all experience a new sense of calm from almost the moment that we start.
But the second day, I got home and Becca wasn't there yet, and I actually felt in a pretty good mood, so I went down to play some drums on RockBand. I banged on those damn things for a good hour, demolishing most of my high scores, and I realized only once I was too tired to continue (plus, Becca had gotten home by then), that I had not lost my cool once during the whole session. People who know me know how I can get with video games, especially those that I consider myself damn good at.... I get *mad* when I screw up... or I should say... I used to get mad when I screwed up. But during that whole hour, I didn't curse once, didn't get frustrated and slam the sticks on the pads once, I was calm. Again, hormones?, lack of testosterone?, a mental well being that I hadn't felt in who-knows-how-long?, I'll never really know.
The weird stuff started happening on day 2. I recall noticing that morning in the shower that I didn't have the mess of lost hair that I usually do after washing it, my hair had stopped breaking off... neat. That evening while eating dinner with Becca, I recall munching on my salad marveling at a new and interesting flavour that I had never tasted before.... I commented on it to her, I described the flavour, she looked at me and said "that's arugula... you hate that stuff", but all of a sudden, it was downright yummy. I noticed that weekend that I also found green and red peppers delicious, something I had hated my entire life. I had never heard of hormones changing ones taste buds before, but there you have it!, I even enjoy coriander now believe it or not.
Cooked fish still tastes like shit though.... sorry....
On day 3, I didn't wash, Becca and I spent that whole Saturday talking, crying, pleading, explaining, dealing.... and sometime in the afternoon, in the middle of some discussion, I ran my hands though my hair (as I continuously do) and realized that it wasn't greasy. I realized that I didn't stink (those who knew me in my previous life knew what a greasy mofo I was, ugh), my skin was smooth, my scalp was smooth, my hair was soft, my skin was softer than it had ever been before. This wasn't all in my mind either, Becca agreed once I brought it up and she checked for herself.
People are still shocked at the softness and smoothness of my skin, sure *he* was never rugged, but he never had skin like this either.
The next changes that I realized were again psychological, I could sleep. Life going to hell in a handbasket, but I could sleep. I've ground my teeth twice since I started my transition... and prior to that I'd wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth at least twice a week for most of my life. I could also get up in the morning without fighting my self to do so, the depression was fading (never quite left, but so much more manageable now).
Speaking of sleeping, I do have to get up more often to pee now.... yes, a woman's bladder is smaller than a man's, and that, as with most things, is controlled by hormones. My frakin bladder has shrunk....
It's impossible to say when each step occurred, these things don't just happen overnight, you just notice it at one point. A few weeks in, my chest started to hurt, I'd feel pressure, sensitivity, the feeling of something moving under my nipples, the sensation of things popping and bursting under there. It didn't last long, and it took a few months until things started happening visually, but I felt the work starting very early.
I never noticed my curves changing, but I'm the same weight I was when I started, yet I've gone from an L/XL, size 11 to 13, down to a medium, wearing sizes 7/9. My bust has gone from a 38 to a 36 (bloody godsend that, because 38A doesn't exist!), and I look better in my skinny jeans than I ever have. Weird thing is I have a good friend taking my measurements every couple of months, and the raw numbers have barely changed.... yet I see the changes in my wardrobe.... go figure. Oh, and I look fucking killer in a bikini, so that is pretty awesome.
The next big difference I noticed was strength, and I started being bothered by it after about a month, month and a half. First time I noticed this was getting kitty litter. It's an 18kg box, and I was used to just grabbing it with one hand and lugging it into the house.... but no.... no more of that. I need to stand in front of the damn thing now, use both hands, and lift with my legs to make sure I don't hurt anything.... and I'm in the best shape of my life. Go figure...
At around the 3 or 4 month mark, I recall looking at myself in the mirror and being shocked by the changes. This is around the time I wrote the post saying sorry to the old me. My face has been shifting, almost imperceptibly, but when you look at a picture of the old me with the new me right next to him, it's quite different.... the same.... yet different. It doesn't take much to make a face look different, half a millimeter here, a tiny shift there, and it can soften your entire look. Impossible to say where the changes have occurred, but clear that they have.
At around that time as well my breasts really started to feel pain, as though I had a golf ball under each nipple covered in broken glass. I still sleep on my stomach, but I tuck my arms under me to reduce the pressure on my chest. Now, at eight months in, I have actual little breasts, the feeling, the shape, the way they move slightly out of sync with the rest of my body, the feeling is surreal.
so, what have we covered... hair, smells, tastes, skin, strength, boobs, curves, face..... ok.... just one thing left to discuss.
for those who really don't need to know this.... you can skip the next two paragraphs
to all the rest of you...
For people who have never owned and operated a penis, a little lesson which will assist in illustrating. The damn things really do have a mind of their own, a man really can't control what its going to do as he goes about its day, it will shift, swell, move around (no, not that literally) as the blood rushes in and drains from it a gazillion times a day. I no longer have to deal with any of that, the T blockers have essentially removed its brain (ooh, good analogy, just came up with that). I am now in complete control of it, if I need to use it, I still can, just takes longer, and for someone like me, that's pretty fucking awesome. I don't have to worry about a bulge suddenly occurring under a tight skirt, I can even get away with wearing a bikini bottom with a bit of inventive placement, essentially, I don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore, it's just... there.
Other changes have occurred to it as well, you shrink in size, you can't get 100% hard (maybe around 75 I'd guess at), the "boys" will eventually disappear for the most part as you lose about 50% of size per year, and I'm following what is normal for all of that. The sensitivity I've lost down there, while a touch worrying at first, has been replaced with an enourmous gain in sensitivity throughout the rest of my body, and once I started to realize that, and start to explore my new system, I found that this way is wwaaaaayyyy better (at least for me!). My whole body has become an erogenous zone, not just the obvious parts, breasts, neck, thighs, but everything... My brain has accepted the nervous rewiring very well, I've found new ways of receiving pleasure, I can have what I consider to be a "female" orgasm now, in that it is my whole body reacting as if its riding a wave, it isn't a kaboom-done cutoff point like ejaculating always was for me as a man (oh, ok, I'm done now, time for a sandwich!). The first man I was with post hormones was sweet enough to hold me as my body shook for (what felt like) twenty minutes after we were together, I had never experienced anything like that before, yet in a way, I had, but from his point of view. I've lay there in bed holding a quivering woman against me as she let her system relax after a mind shattering orgasm... and now it was me in that position.... beautiful, surprising, and amazing.
so... T.M.I.?.... seriously, if you've been reading my words up to this point, you really shouldn't be surprised.
so there you have it, I think I covered it all, probably forgot something as is standard for me, but yup. Only 8 months under my belt, can't wait to see what the next year brings (c'mon B cups!!!!!, w00t!!!)
thanks for listening
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
an excercise
I walk into the room as she does. We sit across from each other.
- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?
She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing
- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.
- but still...
- I know... shut up.
She thinks for a while
- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?
We grin
- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....
...
- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....
- yeah, I get it
- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....
...
- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to
- well... what are you alluding to then?
She fidgets again
- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.
- ya don't say
- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.
- oh?
- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....
- held back...
- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk
- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend
- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...
- with?
- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.
- very cool
- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.
- of course
- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on
I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting
- feel better?
- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on
- what's that?
- boobs
- pardon?
- you heard me... boobs!
...
- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.
- ya don't say.....
- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...
- okaaaaay....
- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!
- ok, enough
- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!
we look at each other... laughing
- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks
- anytime
I get up from the mirror
- so, what's up?. Been a little silent lately?
She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing
- life's slowed down. I dunno...... the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.
- but still...
- I know... shut up.
She thinks for a while
- the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I'm out and about, I'm good, but I've been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don't I?
We grin
- I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn't where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn't who I now was.... I wouldn't have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I'm less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn't changed....
...
- But here's the thing. And I'm already doing it while talking to you, I'm being cryptic, I'm holding back. People read, this whole experiment became... successful?, I'm not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don't know the ears that will hear, and because of that.....
- yeah, I get it
- and it's not even that many ears that I'm worried about. A certain few. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they're still listening... well... shit. So yeah....
...
- see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don't feel the same urge to talk about it.... it's just life isn't it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that.... but I still need to talk... and I do that through my words, I guess I'm floundering as to what to talk about... other than the type of stuff I've already alluded to
- well... what are you alluding to then?
She fidgets again
- sex sex sex sex sex.... hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it's just mindblowing.
- ya don't say
- Oh I do!, ha!. I'm not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I've been avoiding as well.
- oh?
- yeah... feelings... I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I'm sure they, in a way, know... cause... well... things work out that way... often... with me.... ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different... so well... I just....
- held back...
- yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I'm broke), I think it's been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now... ever since the housewarming... it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk
- good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still... it's on the mend
- for the time being, I'm not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I'm somewhat distracted again...
- with?
- as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships... it'll be an interesting experience, that's for sure.
- very cool
- yeah, see, that's one thing I won't really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.
- of course
- events together, experiences, as I've always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I'm paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on
I just notice now that it's been a little while since she stopped fidgeting
- feel better?
- yeah, I guess... oh.... another thing I've held back on
- what's that?
- boobs
- pardon?
- you heard me... boobs!
...
- I have them, and it's fucking wonderful!.
- ya don't say.....
- heheheheh... I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them... every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they've grown, obsessing...
- okaaaaay....
- oh shut up, I'm allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra's, fill an A cup, yay!
- ok, enough
- hahahahahahahahhahaha.... yeah... see?... I do feel a little silly but... fuck it... boobs!
we look at each other... laughing
- yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks
- anytime
I get up from the mirror
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